The 0 Greatest Sports Movies

How many "Rocky" movies will make the list? Spoiler alert- all of them.

Death to Vin Diesel

   It has to be considered a small victory that the man pictured above failed to top the U.S. box office last weekend(thanks, M. Night Shyamalan). Is the public finally putting it's foot down? I can't imagine a semi-literate person over the age of twelve being entertained by "The Return of Xander Cage". This is an ugly attempt to turn "XXX" into a "Fast"-style franchise, and we can't let it go down. Don't let all those hip-hop songs and hot girls distract you from the truth, that your time and money is being wasted. "The Fate of the Furious" comes out in April and the trailer is currently posing the question- is Dom Terretto a bad guy? I don't know, but Vin Diesel has been a bad guy for his entire career. His marble mouth and porn star name has been polluting cinema for over fifteen years now. Spielberg didn't know what he started when he gave this bald bozo a break in "Saving Private Ryan". The putrid "Pitch Black" was semi-popular, and the rest is history. He may be Groot, he's also quite possibly the worst actor to ever achieve major stardom in Hollywood. When I think of actors that suck, Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme spring to mind. But even a broken clock is right twice a day, and "Under Siege" and "Timecop" are both better than any movie with Vin's name above the title. Diesel makes Stallone look like De Niro(the 1973-1995 version). Keanu Reeves? Back off, he made "Point Break", "Speed", and "The Matrix". The first film I just named provided the basis for the whole "F&F" phenomenon that is directly to blame for his regrettable rise. 9/11 wasn't the only tragedy to take place in 2001. I can't wait for cars to drive themselves. Then maybe this clown will be removed from the driver's seat.

   I AM exaggerating for comedic effect when I say that I hope Diesel suffers the same fate as his buddy Paul Walker. However, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that he does actual harm to society. How many times have you exceeded the speed limit to mimic this meathead? Even if you haven't, I guarantee that someone you know has. Great movies are scarcely seen, while Diesel's bank account swells to $185 million. This guy is a drug pusher. Nobody should profit from pain. Make no mistake, Vin's vacuous output causes it. Parents and teachers can't counter the aura of a cool celebrity. Kids flock like flies to shit whenever someone 'cool' comes on the scene. Diesel isn't cool, though. He's a 49 year old with fake tattoos. He isn't even the most jacked guy in his own franchise("ROCKY, ROCKY"). I'm wondering why people are shocked that Donald Trump is President. We live in a world where the seventh installment of "Fast and the Furious" made well over $1 billion. That money should go straight to the government. It should go to the homeless. People are eating dirt in third world countries while Vin Diesel is buying cars and shopping for a private jet.



   Vin still thinks that Riddick is a sci-fi icon as evidenced by his online rallying for a fourth film. We have to set him straight on that. Diesel has never been a draw outside of the wildly inflated film series that inexplicably launched him to the A-list. If there was a God, he'd be fixing my breaks. The collective intelligence of early 21st Century youth has been compromised because we failed to put the breaks on this beady-eyed asshole. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a pretentious prick that only watches art-house movies. I've seen every "Lethal Weapon", "Die Hard", and "Rambo". I don't object to good old-fashioned escapism. But those movies are decades-old and featured legitimate talents. They were serious enough to keep me from feeling like a complete moron. Not so with Mr. Diesel. Schwarzenegger put a gym on every street corner in America. Bruce Lee brought martial arts into the mainstream. What's Vin's legacy? An untold number of car wrecks and missing brain cells. Hold onto yours and think twice about funding this fraud.

Franchise Review- Star Trek 1994-2002

   I

"Star Trek Generations"(1994)

Franchise Review- Star Trek 1979-1991

   I. Let me start by saying that I am NOT a Trekkie, so I'm approaching these films from the position of neutral observer. Objectivity becomes difficult when you've been knee-deep in mythology for decades. That makes me uniquely qualified to judge the quality of the "Trek" movies without the emotional attachments that the hardcore fan-base brings.

"Star Trek: The Motion Picture"(1979)
Contrary to popular opinion, I've determined that the original "Trek" movie is among the best ones for one very simple reason- IT ACTUALLY FEELS LIKE A MOVIE. Let's face it, "Trek" can get pretty stagy and claustrophobic.

"Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan"(1982)
I can't imagine a 2010s teenager taking Ricardo Mantalban and his man-boobs seriously. This is where being a Trekkie becomes a detriment.

"Star Trek III: The Search for Spock"(1984)
Christopher Lloyd's Klingon boss is among the saga's better villains

"Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home"(1986)

"Oh, shit. It's the Bat signal".

"Star Trek V: The Final Frontier"(1989)

"Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country"(1991)

The Christmas Comedy Conundrum

   Christmas brings many 'gifts' that we didn't ask for. The impending winter months are depressing enough without Hollywood leaving at least two lumps of coal in my stocking every year without fail. We're a LONG way away from "Home Alone 1 and 2". I'm leaving the fireplace on if Billy Bob Thornton tries to come down the chimney a third time. Tim Allen got a trilogy, but Angelina's alcoholic ex husband sure-as-hell won't. I'd rather sit home and stare at the wall than attend Jason Bateman's "Office Christmas Party". "Love the Coopers"? I didn't even LIKE the Coopers. Fuck the Coopers. Did Vince Vaughn actually think I'd want to spend "Four Christmases" with him after "Fred Claus"?! If you had the misfortune of spending a "Christmas with the Kranks", you know exactly what I'm talking about. I vaguely recall Jonathan Taylor Thomas mimicking his TV dad in a Santa suit. I apologize for the reminder.

Bah Humbug. Steve Martin reached his nadir in 1994's "Mixed Nuts".

   All this Christmas crap calls attention to a much larger problem- the comedy film genre is every bit as disposable as the horror genre(and a lot scarier), and it's never been more painfully clear than in the early 21st Century. These movies have ZERO staying power, and are designed specifically to separate undemanding young idiots from their expendable income during the first two weekends of release. They might as well not even exist after that. I know what you're thinking- Chevy Chase hung up too many lights in '89 and we all had a great time. But Ben Affleck barely survived Christmas in 2004, and "Deck the Halls" and "Jingle All the Way" are among THE worst films I have ever seen. Remember when Michael Keaton turned into a snowman? It took him fifteen years to get thawed out.

Ernest DIDN'T save Christmas, we had a good one in spite of him.

    The movies I've mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg. This subgenre is as ugly as your uncle's reindeer sweater and less appetizing than your aunt's Christmas cookies that she got for 75% off on December 26th. I might become a Jehovah's Witness if one more witless extended sitcom with a holiday theme gets hauled into theaters. Many of these films have the nerve to inject a half-hearted message about togetherness and family values, after 90 minutes of junior high school jokes written "The Night Before" by a snickering Seth Rogen. Do me a favor and keep developing minds away from this shite if you want their futures to be merry and bright. I believe the profits of every movie that scores below 40% on RT should be turned over to the government. To tell you the truth, I never really cared all that much for that blonde BB gun brat, either. He's looking better with each passing year, though.

   For the record, the greatest Christmas movie of all time stars a barefoot Bruce Willis and a whole lot of blood and bullets. 'Yippee Kai Yay'.