The Christmas Comedy Conundrum

   Christmas brings many 'gifts' that we didn't ask for. The impending winter months are depressing enough without Hollywood leaving at least two lumps of coal in my stocking every year without fail. We're a LONG way away from "Home Alone 1 and 2". I'm leaving the fireplace on if Billy Bob Thornton tries to come down the chimney a third time. Tim Allen got a trilogy, but Angelina's alcoholic ex husband sure-as-hell won't. I'd rather sit home and stare at the wall than attend Jason Bateman's "Office Christmas Party". "Love the Coopers"? I didn't even LIKE the Coopers. Fuck the Coopers. Did Vince Vaughn actually think I'd want to spend "Four Christmases" with him after "Fred Claus"?! If you had the misfortune of spending a "Christmas with the Kranks", you know exactly what I'm talking about. I vaguely recall Jonathan Taylor Thomas mimicking his TV dad in a Santa suit. I apologize for the reminder.

Bah Humbug. Steve Martin reached his nadir in 1994's "Mixed Nuts".

   All this Christmas crap calls attention to a much larger problem- the comedy film genre is every bit as disposable as the horror genre(and a lot scarier), and it's never been more painfully clear than in the early 21st Century. These movies have ZERO staying power, and are designed specifically to separate undemanding young idiots from their expendable income during the first two weekends of release. They might as well not even exist after that. I know what you're thinking- Chevy Chase hung up too many lights in '89 and we all had a great time. But Ben Affleck barely survived Christmas in 2004, and "Deck the Halls" and "Jingle All the Way" are among THE worst films I have ever seen. Remember when Michael Keaton turned into a snowman? It took him fifteen years to get thawed out.

Ernest DIDN'T save Christmas, we had a good one in spite of him.

    The movies I've mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg. This subgenre is as ugly as your uncle's reindeer sweater and less appetizing than your aunt's Christmas cookies that she got for 75% off on December 26th. I might become a Jehovah's Witness if one more witless extended sitcom with a holiday theme gets hauled into theaters. Many of these films have the nerve to inject a half-hearted message about togetherness and family values, after 90 minutes of junior high school jokes written "The Night Before" by a snickering Seth Rogen. Do me a favor and keep developing minds away from this shite if you want their futures to be merry and bright. I believe the profits of every movie that scores below 40% on RT should be turned over to the government. To tell you the truth, I never really cared all that much for that blonde BB gun brat, either. He's looking better with each passing year, though.

   For the record, the greatest Christmas movie of all time stars a barefoot Bruce Willis and a whole lot of blood and bullets. 'Yippee Kai Yay'.