Forrest Gump vs. Pulp Fiction vs. The Shawshank Redemption

   There's a relatively small number of movies that everyone's seen and(most) everyone loves. Each decade produces a handful of such titles that go on to become cultural landmarks. We know the characters as well as we know members of our own family. We can recite all the dialogue. We abruptly stop our channel-surfing when we come across them on cable(which is a lot). But what happens when a trio of movies all fitting that description are released in the same year?

   I have to start off by saying that 1994 was a tremendous year for movies. One of the best I've ever witnessed. Most people don't pay much attention to the Academy Awards. They tend to lean toward artsy stuff that doesn't represent the viewing habits of the vast majority. Well, 1994 was NOT one of those years. The public was much more invested than usual. I don't think it's an exaggeration to call that year the fiercest, most nail-biting Oscar battle in history. We had not one, not two, but THREE movies up for Best Picture that could have easily won. The two films that lost are SO beloved that many wish we could go back and correct some sort of grave injustice. The Oscars are really a double-edged sword with the winners often facing the wrath of angry online 'critics' that love to toss around demeaning labels such as "safe" and "overrated"(just ask "Titanic"). Revisionist history comes into play in an attempt to tear down these 'inferior' films and replace them with that overlooked gem that we weren't intelligent or daring enough to fully embrace at the time. In a way, the arrogant attitudes of such film fans is every bit as pretentious and narrow-minded as those stodgy, invisible elder statesman that they claim to despise within the Academy.

   On the Fourth of July weekend in 1994, "Back to the Future" director Robert Zemeckis released "Forrest Gump". The film was a genuine phenomenon, that did the kind of business usually unseen outside of heavily-hyped, FX-laden extravaganzas. As a matter of fact, I don't recall "Forrest" getting any hype at all besides some very enthusiastic reviews, and we all know that actual professional critics don't have much of a hold over the average Joe(he's too busy looking at the sports pages). Tom Hanks was hot and was coming off a Best Actor win for "Philadelphia", but this was a true word-of-mouth hit, which means a whole bunch of people see a movie and really like it and they tell all their family and friends and they really like it and so on and so forth. I explain this because it so rarely happens in a day and age where the opening weekend is everything. The point being that this Southern simpleton earned his success. Bubba Gump Shrimp is a worldwide restaurant chain for god's sake. How many dramas gross $329 million domestically? That's how much "Guardians of the Galaxy" made this past summer, with the benefit of twenty years of inflation. Basically, Forrest kicks Star-Lord's ass. Bill Murray and Michael Keaton were reportedly up for the role, but I can't imagine anyone other than Hanks pulling this off with nearly the same results. He was the greatest actor of the Clinton era, and that's not up for debate. 'The Nicest Guy In Hollywood' somehow managed to cover all the bases and appeal to absolutely EVERYBODY. He coached baseball, romanced Meg Ryan(twice), took us to outer space, stormed the beaches of Normandy, and voiced Woody in "Toy Story"(twice). I swear, if Hanks had run for President in '96, he would have had a shot at winning that, too and I'm only half- joking.

   Zemeckis scored big with his favorite leading man yet again in 2000's "Cast Away", and should really be more famous considering his contributions("Who Framed Roger Rabbit", "Death Becomes Her", "The Polar Express", "Flight"). He's every bit as tech savvy as James Cameron and much more diverse than Peter Jackson. Maybe he should have grown a beard. 

"Gump" vs. "Pulp" is like good vs. evil. Light vs. dark. A mysterious, glowing briefcase vs. a box of chocolates. Thirty years of 20th century Americana vs. three days in the sordid lives of Los Angeles lowlifes. You can go for a run with Tom Hanks or do the twist with John Travolta. Apparently, your choice says a lot about you as a person. Could a movie featuring a heroin overdose, anal rape, and 265 uses of the "f" word REALLY take down the feel-good movie of the decade? In the fall of 1994, it seemed entirely possible. We're talking about a foul-mouthed high school dropout vs. Spielberg's most skilled apprentice. Quentin Tarantino's masterpiece received an orgasmic critical reaction in October, instantly catapulting it's brash writer-director into the stratosphere. His blistering breakthrough "Reservoir Dogs" got people talking. "PF" had them shouting from rooftops.

   Travolta was in the doghouse when he got that fateful call from QT. I mean, literally. He was on the set of "Look Who's Talking Now"(the one with the dogs). Quentin reminded us how talented and charismatic the man was. Six years later, JT would make us forget all over again in "Battlefield Earth", but we're not getting into any of that. This is a celebration of the biggest pre-Robert Downey Jr. comeback the industry had ever seen, as Travolta's resurgence saw him headlining hits like "Get Shorty", "Broken Arrow", and "Face/Off". But no one has ever benefitted from Tarantino's gutter poetry more than Sam Jackson. Before he put on that jheri-curled wig, he was the computer guy in "Jurassic Park" and an incompetent getaway car driver in "Goodfellas". He was looking like a bit player for life, until Tarantino handed him a few pages of awesomely embellished Bible passages. We have Jules Winfield to thank for SLJ appearing in approximately 4,867 movies since he blew away Brett and his big brain in that apartment, making him the biggest box office actor of all time.

   I don't see Tarantino ever taking the top prize at the Oscars(he has picked up two statues for screenwriting). It doesn't matter, though. I can't think of another director with a more devoted following, and not winning preserves his all-important 'cool' factor.

   Wait a second, who invited these guys? A movie about the friendship between two men that ISN'T about them trying to get laid? What do ya mean, they don't shoot anybody?! Talk about a dark horse. This is where revisionist history starts to come into play. "The Shawshank Redemption" was released on September 23(sandwiched in between "Gump" and "Pulp") and totally bombed. This Stephen King adaptation barely broke even with $28 million, an abysmal figure even by 1994 standards. But the critics were very supportive, leading to seven Academy Award nominations. It won NONE. Home video business was strong, however as Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman were given a warm welcome in living rooms across America. What happened next was truly astounding. In June 1997, Frank Darabont's crowning achievement premiered on TNT. The result was record-breaking ratings. Naturally, they showed the film again. And again. And again. And again. And again. A 2004 Sunday Times article reported that no more than two months pass without an airing of "Shawshank" on the Turner networks. I first got acquainted with "Red" Redding and discovered the cathartic joy of Andy Dufresne's prison break during this endless loop and I know you did as well.

   "Shawshank" currently sits at number one on IMBD's Top 250 and has for a while("The Godfather" is a close second). Empire magazine's voters ranked it the fourth greatest movie of all time in two separate polls taken in 2008 and 2014. Morgan Freeman can accurately be described as a national treasure at this point, with his dignified presence, quiet authority and soothing vocals seemingly present in countless documentaries and commercials. We'd all have this man narrate our life stories if we could afford it. "It's a Wonderful Life" has a reason to be concerned if this flick gets any more popular. "The Wizard of Oz" and "Citizen Kane" are hardly safe anymore.

   Darabont never scaled these heights again, although "The Green Mile" was a well-received hit in '99(oh, Hanks was in that one, too). He seems to have a knack for bringing the literary works of Stephen King to life on the big screen and wants to do it some more. He can count me in.


   There are certainly compelling arguments to be made in each direction, but there can only be one winner on Hollywood's biggest night and you're looking at him. I honestly feel that Zemeckis beats Tarantino and Darabont and Hanks beats Travolta and Freeman. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it, but there's really no losers here(well, except for Bubba, Zed and the Warden). There are no wrong answers, either. We all win when films this iconic get produced and the ONLY reason anyone thinks to compare them is because they were all released in a three month span. They all take up permanent residence on my DVD rack because sometimes I'm in the mood to see(or hear) Forrest's horny principal banging Sally Field and other days I'd rather see Butch and his annoying French girlfriend ride away on that chopper. Listening to Mozart with Andy is occasionally more appealing than listening to another legless Lt. Dan rant or picking up pieces of Marvin's skull, but Pumpkin and Honey Bunny are more lively breakfast companions than Heywood and Brooks. Some days I'd rather play ball with Red then ping pong with Forrest, and when I've had all I can take of Jenny's head games, I've been driven to snort cocaine(or heroin) with Mia Wallace. I could watch Andy tunnel his way to freedom again right now, but later on I might get a craving for shrimp or a $5 shake. You get the idea.

1989- The Greatest Summer Movie Season Ever?

  
   The summer movie season, as we know it today, officially began with the release of Steven Spielberg's monumental "Jaws" in 1975. Nearly every summer since has been a heated battle for box office supremacy as a rapid succession of action-packed spectacles vie for your hard-earned dollars. With each passing year it gets a harder to find the films that actually deserve it, which got me thinking- what IS the greatest summer movie season ever?

   According to my research, there are quite a few contenders(1982, 1984, 1988, 1990, 1993, 1994, 2002, 2004, 2008), but ONE summer stands a little taller than all the rest. The summer of '89 was nirvana for a nine year old, and the adults didn't have it too bad either as I later discovered once my tastes had matured a bit. So let's get down to business because there's PLENTY of it. Join me as I journey back to the crackling climax of the most fun decade in film history.

   You can have Robert Downey Jr. and Michael Bay's CGI robots. I'll take Harrison Ford on horseback, galloping after a tank filled with Nazis in the desert any day of the week. Don't let "Crystal Skull" cloud your judgment. Indiana Jones is the greatest hero of the 1980s without question, and Ford is the decade's premier leading man. His third and final(I'm still in denial) adventure got the season started off right on Memorial Day weekend. I was there with my family and it was two hours of pure cinematic bliss. "Raiders" will always get more respect and deservedly so. That unforgettable 1981 romp has sheer novelty on it's side, but I'll be damned if "Last Crusade" isn't it's equal. We got an action sequence for every mode of transportation and Sean Connery's casting was a stroke of genius. The moment the original 007 bellows "Junior!" for the first time(at roughly the 47 minute mark, that's how many times I've seen it), you're in movie heaven.

   The holy grail is the ultimate artifact and Indy was the ultimate source for pure summer escapism. "LC" feels like the end of an era in retrospect, and while I love the '90s for entirely different reasons, Scorsese and Tarantino had us rooting for the bad guys and there was a noticeable shortage of swashbuckling. Spielberg got more 'serious', tackling historical passion projects like 'Schindler's List", "Saving Private Ryan" and "Lincoln", while "Jurassic Park" went down as his last truly great popcorn flick(although I'm partial to "Minority Report "). Our greatest living director undoubtedly enhanced my childhood and countless others, and I'd like to take this opportunity to thank him for making me the man I am today. And Harrison Ford's three-day old beard, of course. Dr. Jones is always welcome in my living room. The 1930s version, that is.

   I love how diverse this summer was. That's the late, great Robin Williams pictured above celebrating one of his earliest triumphs, "Dead Poets Society". Back in Robin's heyday, 'good' movies weren't limited to that rigid Oct-Dec Oscar bait block. Now you're hard-pressed to find a worthwhile drama any other time of year. You can practically disregard everything that comes out between January and April, but that's a discussion for another day. Anyway, there were actually smart entertainment options for adults interested in more than just explosions and FX. That's something I sorely miss.

   The unorthodox, inspirational Mr. Keating more than held his own against extremely formidable fantasy fare with $96 million in ticket sales, eventually earning four Academy Award nominations including Best Picture. The Captain lost to "Driving Miss Daisy", but this film was still an absolute victory. Seize the day. Robin sure did.

   Five years earlier, Bill Murray became a permanent movie star and Dan Aykroyd became a temporary one, in Ivan Reitman's supernatural comedy sensation "Ghostbusters". I mentioned 1984 being a stellar summer for that very reason(along with first runner-up "Temple of Doom") which made 1989 a banner year for devotees of several '80s properties. But apparently it wasn't so easy getting this foursome back in proton packs. Supposedly, a mandatory meeting was held in early 1988 with all the key players to find out who or what was stopping everyone else in the room from making a massive pile of $$$. That meeting ended with studio top brass demanding that the sequel be in production within six months. That sort of pressure usually doesn't translate to quality or creativity, so we basically got the same movie all over again. I know a lot of people that weren't complaining, though.

   It just took too long to get "GBII" made. If it had come out in 1986 or '87, the box office could've been doubled and we wouldn't have been subjected to a decade of endless rumors and speculation about a third film because it would've been out in '89! THAT'S how you roll out a franchise, folks. This shit has to be done in a timely fashion. The GB craze was over by the early '90s(even the animated series concluded in '91) and there weren't nearly as many people humming Ray Parker's immortal theme song on their way to work. Both films became a permanent fixture on cable and I know I stopped my channel-surfing more than once when I saw that dancing toaster, but Dan Aykroyd's voice was the only one crying out for a trilogy. The reason can be found directly below.

   The most financially successful movie that Steven Spielberg and George Lucas had nothing to do with opened on June 23, 1989. You couldn't escape this bad-ass logo that year if you wanted to, and why would you? You see, things were quite a bit different then. Superheroes movies weren't released once a month, there wasn't this coldly calculated 'Cinematic Universe' crowding up the multiplex, swallowing up the expendable incomes of a generation that wasn't even alive when Michael Keaton kick-started a sub-genre by whispering two words("I'm Batman"). I know that Chris Reeve took flight more than a decade earlier, but the "Superman" series crapped out a couple of years before, casting serious doubt on the long-term viability of the whole superhero thing. Tim Burton deserves the credit(or the blame, depending on your point-of-view) for getting this ball rolling. "Batman" wasn't just a movie. It was a mass-merchandised pop culture event with unprecedented hype, and you could feel it in the air. It HAD to been seen, or you were getting excluded from conversations about the Batmobile, Nicholson's OTT Clown Prince of Crime and Kim Basinger's luscious blonde locks(okay, maybe I'm alone on that one). A climate like this will NEVER be recreated because superhero movies AREN'T special anymore. Blame Marvel for that.

"You got $60 million? But I'm the hero".

   This film's popularity just can't be overstated. There were only two possible choices for Halloween that year, and it's impact can still be felt more than a quarter-century on. Sure, the first set of Bat flicks didn't progress the way they were supposed to during the Clinton administration thanks to that shameful Schumacher and parasitic WB execs, and there's a tendency to bestow savoir status on Chris Nolan. But as great as "The Dark Knight" was, let's not forget where it all began.

   Every summer has a sleeper hit and you're looking at it. Long before Pixar and DreamWorks went to war, a non-animated family film could still draw a big crowd, and "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" did just that. Joe Johnston's high-concept hit was an agreeable back-up plan for many parents that were secretly glad "Batman" was sold out because they heard about the Joker's hand-buzzer. Little kids were unafraid of Rick Moranis who was on quite a roll(more on that later) and Wayne Szalinski was the kookiest scientist this side of Doc Brown. "Honey" managed to land among the top twenty-five highest grossers of the entire decade without ever taking the top spot at the box office, ultimately becoming the most successful live action Disney film ever circa 1989. Those are some impressive credentials.

   While not exactly a classic, the film seems to be fondly remembered by my age group(the '92 sequel "Honey, I Blew Up the Kid", not so much) for it's giant Cheerios, perilous blades of grass and that cute ant(admit it, you cried).

   I'd just like to take a moment and show some love for "The Karate Kid Part III", because it's so ludicrously entertaining.  Daniel-san and Mr. Miyagi's swan song was released on June 30 and took a worse beating at the box office than Daniel took from 'karate's bad boy' Mike Barnes, in that tense tournament finale, thanks to the two abovementioned blockbusters. Terry Silver couldn't compete with Jack's Joker or that scary painting in "GBII", but he's still a slime-ball for the ages. Thomas Ian Griffith's pony-tailed, malevolent force of nature more than made up for Daniel's incessant whining(no wonder clay-making cutie Jessica Andrews only wanted to be a platonic pal).  His private karate lessons are the reason my viewings of this movie has reached the triple digits, and I'm unashamed of that. If a man can't see, he can't fight.

   Anybody that shits on "KKIII", and there were MANY pompous critics that did just that(a wholly unjust 16% on RT) is missing out on a delicious slice of '80s awesomeness. Just kick back and enjoy this film next time you come across it on cable(I'll bet it's on right now) because it was the last time a story such as the elaborate revenge plot cooked up by that California crime syndicate known as the Cobra Kai dojo would ever be deemed acceptable to a mass audience.

   Now would be a good time to mention that 1989 was the year that the buddy cop movie peaked. Sorry, Tango & Cash, but this is the duo I turn to when I'm in need of a fix. If Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon shot people, they still wouldn't hold a candle to Gibson and Glover. Timothy Dalton's dull second Bond outing "License to Kill" didn't stand a chance. James Cameron's underwater epic "The Abyss" was largely ignored. That's how serious this summer was. Riggs and Murtaugh's explosive encore blasted onto screens in mid-July, knocking the Dark Knight out of the number one spot at the box office, and stayed there for three weeks. Did I mention it was rated R? It's easy to see why I'm so nostalgic for this era, because there was literally something for EVERYONE.

   This film's robust box office(it was third for the year behind "Batman" and "Indy") secured Mel Gibson's position on the A-list, allowing him the freedom(no pun intended) to step behind the camera for his 1995 masterpiece "Braveheart". Mel's ex-wife and his seven or eight kids should be extremely grateful that the multiple gunshot wounds Riggs suffered at the bottom of that ship in the rip-roaring finale weren't fatal, because "LW3" and "4" ended up bolstering all of their bank accounts, too. What I'm trying to say is that the winning formula of action and laughs("They FUCK you at the drive-thru") was perfected right here, and as long as the "Lethal" family stuck to it(they did), the only bomb was on Murtaugh's toilet.

The greatest romantic comedy not called "Annie Hall" dropped in late July to pose the eternal question- can men and women ever really be just friends?  Yes and no, according to director Rob Reiner and screenwriter Nora Ephron in their career-defining collaboration. This may honestly be the best film of the year, if I put aside my aging fan-boy allegiances. Billy Crystal has never had a better showcase for his sardonic wit and Meg Ryan has never managed to be more appealing despite her MANY appearances in the genre. Just think about how overwhelming it was for theater patrons between May-August to look up at the marquee and see all of these titles. You could watch Riggs go ballistic on a boat or have lunch with Sally Albright. You weren't regretting either decision.

 How adorable was Meg Ryan in '89? This is the Meg I choose to remember before Russell Crowe and some nameless plastic surgeon ruined our relationship. We weren't even able to stay friends. That's how bad things got. Fortunately, film is forever and I can relive the good times whenever I want. Ditto for Rob Reiner.

   Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan weren't the sole source of laughs in 1989. Steve Martin was the hottest comedic performer of this era not named Eddie Murphy, and he extended his late '80s hot streak("Roxanne", PT&A") in Ron Howard's humorous look at uh, parenthood from every conceivable angle. The comedy landscape has become increasingly dire in recent years, as evidenced by this past summer's slate("Neighbors", "Sex Tape", "Tammy", "Let's Be Cops"). I'm not trying to take some puritanical stance here, but all this crass crap really leaves me yearning for inoffensive family-friendly comedies like "Parenthood" and "Uncle Buck"(that John Candy classic came out in mid-August). This film boasted an ensemble that included Mary Steenburgen, Dianne Wiest, Jason Robards, Tom Hulce, Keanu Reeves and (yes) Joaquin Phoenix. They all contributed to the $100 million box office total(the magic number in those days). Wait a minute, I'm forgetting someone...

   How hot was Rick Moranis in '89? "Parenthood" made it a hat trick for the bespectacled SCTV graduate who had not one, not two, but THREE $100 million hits that summer. I know what you're thinking- how was this comedic titan allowed to retire so quietly? The answer can be found in 1996's "Big Bully", one of the few films that can be seen in it's entirety on YouTube(as of this writing), so check out his "funny" feud with Tom Arnold sometime.

Actually,... DON'T.

   So, there you have it. You know it was a hellacious summer when Brian De Palma's "Casualties of War" is an afterthought. This Sean Penn-Michael J Fox face-off would have been a definite highlight of any other year. Oh, and speaking of MJF...

   I know I'm cheating here, because Marty and Doc made they're long-awaited return on Thanksgiving Eve. My point is, forget the summer. Was 1989 THE greatest movie YEAR EVER??

Franchise Review- A Nightmare on Elm Street

   It's the 30th anniversary of everyone's favorite fedora-wearing, razor-clawed child killer. Freddy Krueger is a pop culture icon. I can't say I'm happy to report that, but it's true. He's appeared in nine films(so far) since his entry into the pop culture landscape on November 9, 1984. It's Halloween(just go with it), so please join me as I recap his silver screen history. I can't do it alone.

"A Nightmare on Elm Street"(1984)
Wes Craven passed up the life on an East Coast college professor to enter the uncertain world of filmmaking in the early 1970s, beginning his industry training with a behind-the-scenes stint in pornography(which is fitting in a way). After turning heads with micro-budgeted horror hits like "The Last House on the Left" and "The Hills Have Eyes", a newspaper article about Cambodian refugees having disturbing nightmares(a few actually died in their sleep) provided the jumping-off point for Craven's career-defining creation. Robert Englund is relatively subdued and humorless in his first stint as the embodiment of evil(that's a compliment), ultimately achieving the kind of nasty notoriety not seen since the early days of Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. Krueger killed a future A-list hearthrob named Johnny Depp in his debut flick. That has to count for something.

   There's only two films in this felonious franchise that can be discussed with anything that remotely resembles reverence, and 1984's "Elm Street" is certainly one of them. Coupled with 1978's seminal "Halloween", it's now regarded as the high watermark of a rather dubious slasher cycle(I'm looking at you, Jason). The fact is that Craven never wanted Krueger to join his hockey mask-wearing counterpart as an ominous omnipresence. But in the wake of their first real revenue in nearly a decade, the fledging New Line Cinema(aka The House That Freddy Built) didn't really care what Wes wanted.

"A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge"(1985)
This first in a LONG line of sequels was clearly rushed into production to capitalize on the first film's surprising success, which was par for the course in the land of '80s horror. Strike while the iron is hot(or cold, no matter). Freddy is apparently out for revenge if the title is to be believed, odd considering the lack of continuity and returning cast members in this sophmore outing. The bastardization of Craven's initial concept began with this film's curious homosexual subtext(females NEED to star in these things, it isn't rocket science). At least we rarely remember our dreams. For proponents of quality cinema, Krueger would become a recurring nightmare.

"A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors"(1987)
"Welcome to prime time, bitch"! Freddy's greatest line? It sure set the tone for what was to come. There's a few reasons why this third installment is the most tolerable of the lot, and arguably equal to the original. Wes Craven returned to script the concluding chapter in the sinister saga(or so he thought!) and brought Heather Langenkamp back with him to mentor a fresh crop of traumatized teens. Chuck Russell is a competent director(he would later help further Jim Carrey's cause in "The Mask") and an 18 year old Patricia Arquette is the best actress to ever grace this series. We even get "Larry" Fishburne thrown in for good measure, and some creative special effects, while a $45 million gross(on a $4.5 million budget) meant that there was no end in sight.

"A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master"(1988)
Robert Englund takes center-stage and a new batch of young victims are once again made up entirely of disposable unknowns in this inexplicably popular Renny Harlin-directed debacle. This was the first "Nightmare" to be given a summer release, presumably based on the strength of the third film, and a three-week stay at the top of the box office marks "The Dream Master" as Freddy's pop culture peak. This grisly goodwill tour led to TV appearances, video games, fan mail AND groupies(according to Englund). It's hard to believe there was a time when we thought these movies were scary. It's even harder to believe there was a time when we thought they were good.

"A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child"(1989)
"What I can't figure out is how he's getting in when I'm awake?!" I can't figure it out, either. Freddy is still a malevolent jokester and the cringe-worthy acting is getting increasingly tough to take. Fortunately, the paying public was coming to their senses, and 1989 was looking like the end of the road for the unholy trifecta of slasher villains, as "Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Meyers" and "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan" were both rejected that same year. Unfortunately, as long as there's a lowest common denominator to exploit, the powers-that-be behind these pitiful productions have zero qualms about doing so.

"Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare"(1991)
Okay, no more Mr. Nice Guy. Fuck you, Freddy. The '80s are over and I've had more than my fill of your scarred skin and witless one-liners. The title of your sixth atrocity doesn't fool me. You're not DEAD, asshole and this isn't the FINAL anything and not even your dumbest teen victims were buying into this fake farewell. You were only ever mildly amusing during the best of times, and Hannibal Lecter and Max Cady would both wipe the floor with your skinny ass. Whew. Needless to say, "Freddy's Dead" was D.O.A. in the fall of '91, and only his disapproving creator was capable of a resuscitation.

"Wes Craven's New Nightmare"(1994)
After expressing his dislike for the bombastic, overly comedic nature of the bulk of the sequels(he had no real involvement in 2, 4, 5, and 6), Wes Craven was lured back to the director's chair for a tenth anniversary attempt to restore some of Freddy's lost luster. Did he succeed? Sort of. Original heroine Heather Langenkamp resurfaces(as herself) to protect her son from a darker, more elusive Freddy as he terrorizes the cast and crew responsible for his films(they deserve it). This new cerebral take is admirable, and in retrospect feels like a dry run for his forthcoming self-aware "Scream" series, which reignited the whole genre in the late '90s. However, ticket sales didn't reflect Craven's efforts to ACTUALLY put out a decent product, and 1994's filmgoers had more important matters at hand(ahem, "Pulp Fiction").

"Freddy vs. Jason"(2003)
Here we go. This is the smack-down we waited ten years for. Well, that's not true. I wasn't waiting. That teaser at the conclusion of 1993's appropriately-titled "Jason Goes To Hell" set the stage for this joint venture which, let's face it, was the only way these two characters were making it to the 2000s. It's every bit as soul-crushing as the majority of their solo outings as the twin titans of trash seem to be competing for new victims that include Kelly Rowland of "Destiny's Child" fame and Jason Ritter(son of John). I'm proud to say that this nostalgia-driven cash-grab didn't get any of mine.

"A Nightmare on Elm Street"(2010)
Is nothing sacred? If you don't detect my sarcasm and you think the "Nightmare" series is, I strongly suggest you expand your horizons. I don't hate this inevitable remake because it doesn't offend me any more than the genre's usual offerings, but I'm also grateful that a nondescript Jackie Earle Haley won't be taking another stab at sleeping teens. Katie Cassidy was well-cast(translation: she's a hot young blonde). Rooney Mara, as surviving good girl Nancy, said she disliked the experience so much that she considered giving up on her acting career before it ever really started.  Is the ensuing carnage REALLY any worse than the old school Englund flicks? No, but we're talking about a pretty low bar. Freddy will always be present in my nightmares. Just not in the way that Wes Craven intended.

Twelve Directors That Completely Lost It

   Directing is arguably the toughest job in Hollywood. The first thing I learned as a budding cinephile is that the director is, in most cases, primarily responsible for the critical success or failure of a film. Your favorite actors and actresses can only look as good as the director allows them to be. Those scenes that stick in your memory are usually the result of a director making the right choice on the set or in the editing room. A great director doesn't move forward until every aspect of the production feels just right and there's only a select few that the general public can instantly identify, from deceased masters like Hitchcock and Kubrick to their present day counterparts Spielberg and Scorsese. Savvy movie fans anticipate each new offering from David Fincher and the Coen bros. If you've got a few hours to kill, they'll give you an exhausting breakdown of Woody Allen's output over the years. You probably know somebody that thinks Chris Nolan is God's gift to 21st century cinema and that Tarantino's talky lowlifes and non-linear antics changed the game between 1992-94.

   Every director secretly dreams of amassing a similarly devoted following among moviegoers. This is a list of filmmakers that once had greatness within arm's reach or at least a legitimate shot at it. For varied reasons that I'll try my best to explain, it didn't happen. Every guy on this list directed one film that you love. Maybe more. Then their worlds came crashing down. Here are twelve directors that completely lost it.



Frances Ford Coppola
Alright, let's jump right into this- "The Godfather", "The Conversation", "The Godfather Part II" and "Apocalypse Now". If I have to explain the virtues of any those films, then I'm wondering how you even stumbled onto this article. The fact that Coppola hasn't given us ONE film that even comes close to that celebrated quartet indicates that he blew his wad on Brando and Pacino and should have retired as a mythical, god-like figure in 1979. Instead, he burned studio money on losers like "One from the Heart", "Rumble Fish" and "The Cotton Club". The story goes that Frances piled up some debts in the mid-'80s and artistic integrity became secondary. That's what presumably led to commercial fare like the Kathleen Turner vehicle "Peggy Sue Got Married", while occasional Oscar bait like "Gardens of Stone" and "Tucker: The Man and His Dream" missed the mark. As for "The Godfather Part III".....uh, I liked it. "Bram Stoker's Dracula" didn't suck thanks to a prime Gary Oldman, but "Jack" was a real head-scratcher in 1996 that even the biggest admirers of the late, great Robin Williams don't seem to have any affection for. "The Rainmaker" was an undistinguished John Grisham adaptation in '97 that represents his last attempt to appeal to the masses. Since then Coppola has preferred the secluded safety and no-pressure environment of 'personal' projects that nobody even knows the existence of. Btw, I could have added Sophia to this list without any objections.

William Friedkin
Few filmmakers start their careers with two time-honored classics and then go on to produce inexcusable trash. Well, that's the story of Billy Friedkin. "The French Connection" won Best Picture in 1971 and Gene Hackman's Popeye Doyle predates Dirty Harry in the storied annals of tough movie cops. People still talk about that car chase through real traffic. "The Exorcist" still tops every list of scariest movies ever made, and Linda Blair spewing pea soup is as iconic as a Norman Bates shower interruption. It would take this entire blog to figure out exactly what happened after that. "Sorcerer" had NO chance against "Star Wars" in '77 and Friedkin admitted to being demoralized by it's abject failure.  He then delivered one of 1980's worst movies- the much-maligned "Cruising". Al Pacino looked as uncomfortable making this controversial cop thriller as the average viewer felt watching it, with more offensive homosexual stereotypes than you can shake a stick at(sorry) and he followed it up with a Chevy Chase comedy(WTF?). "To Live and Die In L.A." was a brief return to form in 1985, but "Rampage" and "The Guardian" both vanished without a trace. 1995's "Jade" was the last straw, a lurid byproduct of "Basic Instinct" that resulted in his permanent removal from any list of great directors. He kept working though, turning out unexceptional thrillers like "Rules of Engagement" and "The Hunted". Critics have been unusually kind to him in recent years, but don't call "Bug" and "Killer Joe" a comeback.



John Carpenter
Another '70s sensation, Carpenter worked wonders with small budgets, starting with "Assault on Precinct 13" and is widely acknowledged as the grandfather of the modern slasher movie. His much-imitated masterpiece "Halloween" cost $320,000. It grossed over $47 million in 1978 and gave Jamie Lee Curtis a movie career. He oversaw a few of the sequels while Ronald Reagan was in office and simultaneously began a long and fruitful relationship with Kurt Russell. The duo gave us "Escape From New York", "The Thing" and "Big Trouble in Little China"- all beloved cult classics in some circles. He even managed to make something out of "They Live" with wrestler 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper. Carpenter's luck ran out in the '90s, though. "Memoirs of an Invisible Man" starring Chevy Chase(is he bad luck or something?) was a sci-fi comedy that's been pretty invisible since it's underwhelming theatrical release in the summer of '92. Then this fool started proudly stamping his name on films that most directors would try to disown. "John Carpenter's In the Mouth of Madness", "John Carpenter's Village of the Damned". "John Carpenter's Vampires" and "John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars". There was nary a profit in sight. "Escape From L.A." was a pathetic encore for Snake Plissken that arrived at least ten years too late. His last film to date was 2010's "The Ward". I don't remember it either.

Martin Brest
Although never a household name, the Bronx-born Brest was was behind the camera on 1984's "Beverly Hills Cop", the mega-hit that launched Eddie Murphy into the stratosphere(he was also behind the desk at the Beverly Hills hotel in the film's closing scene). Four years later, he sent Robert De Niro and Charles Grodin on a "Midnight Run". It's safe to say the man knew his way around an action comedy. He seemingly cemented his rep when he guided Al Pacino to his only Academy Award for Best Actor in 1992's "Scent of a Woman", but "Meet Joe Black" was a ponderous, two hour and fifty minute snooze-fest in 1998 that could have ruined Brad Pitt if Tyler Durden hadn't been in his immediate future. Brest doesn't have a future thanks to "Gigli". The infamous flick that united Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez sold way more tabloids than movie tickets and has since become a synonym for cinematic awfulness. Someone had to take the blame and Brest was the easiest person to punish in this scenario. He was reportedly difficult to work with at various points and now the industry bigwigs had the excuse that they may have been looking for to show him the door. He hasn't worked since 2003. It doesn't seem fair, but two mega-flops in less than five years may be an unforgiveable offense. Brest could just be an example of an above-average director who got really lucky in the first half of his career.




John McTiernan
Action movie buffs will always have a soft spot for this NY native. He broke through the ranks via one of the manliest movies of all time, the franchise-starting 1987 Arnold Schwarzenegger classic "Predator". Oh, speaking of action franchises, maybe you heard of the one with Bruce Willis. That's right, McTiernan was behind the camera capturing all that glorious carnage in the Nakatomi building on Christmas Eve in 1988 for which we are all eternally grateful. He returned for the best of the "Die Hard" sequels(1995's "With A Vengeance") which arguably gives him co-ownership over John McClane with Mr. "Moonlighting" himself. He even got the ball rolling for Jack Ryan in 1990's "The Hunt For Red October". I wish I could stop there, but there's no getting around "Last Action Hero". I don't hate that movie, but it's a fact that this mega-hyped Arnie vehicle got devoured by "Jurassic Park" in the summer of '93 and the Austrian Oak hasn't returned his phone calls since. The moderate success of "The Thomas Crown Affair" remake in 1999 couldn't be basked in for long, with his Antonio Banderas starrer "The 13th Warrior" flat-lining that same year. "Rollerball" was a costly futuristic flop in 2002 and the dull military drama "Basic" didn't fare much better in 2003. On top of his greatly diminished ability to entertain audiences, McTiernan was implicated in a Hollywood wiretapping scandal and actually spent a year in federal prison following a series of lengthy, distracting court battles. He's a free man now and is reportedly prepping a "Top Gun"-type film with John Travolta. I hope that works out for him(it won't).




Renny Harlin
Many will take exception with the implication that Renny Harlin ever approached greatness, but here me out. The blonde from Finland got his feet wet calling the shots on "A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master", which was the highest-grossing horror film of the '80s for what it's worth. As I alluded to earlier, John McTiernan was unable to take the reigns for John McClane's second outing, so Harlin stepped in and delivered a solid summer sequel with "Die Hard 2: Die Harder". That same year, "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane", starring Andrew 'Dice' Clay, was an early sign of trouble. In my opinion, Renny made the best non-Rocky/Rambo Stallone movie ever in 1993, which was called "Cliffhanger". He was settling into a nice role as one of the go-to guys for '90s action, but his ambition may have exceeded his talent. A healthy ego mixed with a huge budget is a recipe for disaster if you're name isn't James Cameron, which brings me to "Cutthroat Island". Pound for pound, that 1995 pirate adventure is the biggest box office flop in motion picture history. It lost $100 million, bankrupted Carolco studios and banished his real life leading lady Geena Davis from the A-list. Talk about taking the wind out of a guy's sails. The couple's next collaboration, 1996's "The Long Kiss Goodnight", got a much better reception, but almost anything would have and it couldn't stop the divorce papers. "Deep Blue Sea" and "Driven", released in '99 and '01, both got a mixed response if we're being generous. But then he took a shit on the legacy of "The Exorcist" in a 2004 prequel and was reduced to fringe thrillers like "Mindhunters" and "The Covenant". His return to 'old school' action territory in 2009 resulted in the terrible "12 Rounds" starring WWE champ John Cena. At this point, any studio green-light has to be considered a victory for Geena Davis' ex.



Jan de Bont
This Dutch cinematographer is a true Hollywood vet that worked his way up the ladder on countless films and I guarantee that his expert lighting enhanced the pleasure of watching each and every one of them. When he finally got his chance to be the main man in 1994, he took us on an unforgettable ride aboard a Los Angeles city bus with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock, insuring that fresh-faced duo's continued presence on the silver screen. He followed that blistering breakthrough with "Twister", an-even-more massive hit that kicked the summer of '96 off right. It looked like explosive-filled escapism had a new name and it was Jan de Bont. Not so fast. "Speed 2: Cruise Control" was set aboard a SLOW cruise ship and is easily one of the most reviled sequels this side of "Batman & Robin". Fox executives were surely left weeping at the loss of the franchise that might have been. I hope Jan talked to Renny Harlin before he made any extravagant purchases because "The Haunting" didn't put him back in anyone's good graces two years later. "Lara Croft: The Cradle of Life" marked the end of his professional life and it didn't take a genius to keep the lens locked on a 27 year old Angelina Jolie. The movie biz is a fickle beast and I don't think de Bont was planning on an early retirement. Sadly, I may be the only one that noticed it.




Joel Schumacher
I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but this was just totally unavoidable. You already know why this guy is on here and so does your grandma who doesn't know anything about movies. I still have to point out that Joel S. made a handful of very watchable films before he took that fateful call from Warner Bros sometime in the fall of 1993, a day that will live in infamy. But his work on "St. Elmo's Fire", "The Lost Boys", "Falling Down" and "The Client" seems to have been forgotten in the wake of the Bat-astrophe that got fan-boys' blood boiling. They wanted his long, grey-haired head on a stick. Schumacher could tell George Lucas a thing or two about irate theater patrons. He gave Mathew McConaughey his first close-up in "A Time To Kill", a fact rarely acknowledged since George Clooney pulled that credit card out of his utility belt. He tried to restore his rep with "8 MM", "Flawless", "Phone Booth" and "The Number 23". Unforgiving audiences were having none of it. Look, it's been almost twenty years and the Caped Crusader is alive and well, don't you think it's time we give this poor bastard a break? No? Sorry, Joel, I tried.




Rob Reiner
From 1984 to 1992, Archie Bunker's son-in-law directed "This Is Spinal Tap", "The Sure Thing", "Stand By Me", "The Princess Bride", "When Harry Met Sally", "Misery" and "A Few Good Men". Each one of those films is either a modern classic or a cult favorite and Reiner was starting to look like a legend in the making. His winning streak came to an abrupt and screeching halt with 1994's "North". For those blissfully unaware, Reiner led a twelve year old Elijah Wood and a large supporting cast through the worst project that most of them would ever be a part of in this alleged 'comedy'. Critics tore it apart and audiences ignored it altogether. If there was ever a film that represented a seismic shift in the public's perception of a director, "North" is it and Reiner has yet to offer an apology or an explanation. He bounced back momentarily with 1995's "The American President", but everything he's done since has been a VERY mixed bag- "Ghosts of Mississippi", "The Story of Us", "Alex & Emma", "Rumor Has It...", "The Bucket List", "And So It Goes". A considerably less impressive list of credits to put it gently. What the hell happened to Rob Reiner?! The world may never know.




Oliver Stone
This one hurts, too. I include Oliver Stone with mild trepidation. From 1986 to 1991, he was the best director on the planet. "Platoon", "Born on the Fourth of July", and "JFK" is his holy trifecta and are all indisputably great movies. The fearless provocateur also managed to crank out "Salvador" and "Wall Street" during this highly productive period. Stone seemed to be effortlessly operating on an artistic level that few filmmakers ever come close to. It's a pace that may have been impossible to maintain. "Heaven & Earth", the third chapter in his 'Vietnam trilogy', brought Stone back down to earth when it failed to match his prior acclaim in 1993. Then came "Natural Born Killers". One of the most polarizing films to ever hit the mainstream, half the public hailed the Woody Harrelson-Juliet Lewis killing spree as another Stone masterpiece. The other half walked out when Rodney Dangerfield showed up. He forged ahead in the mid-to-late '90s with the mostly respectable trio of "Nixon", U Turn", and "Any Given Sunday" but his previously strong support from the critics was noticeably absent. Stone reached his nadir with 2004's "Alexander". I wish I could omit the Colin Farrell-starring historical epic from his resume because it's unquestionably one of the most misguided films of the 2000s. It's hard to knock a movie as well-intentioned as 2006's "World Trade Center", yet many came away wondering what the rabble-rousing, younger version of Stone would have done with a subject as potent as 9/11. He even took it easy on our much-maligned 43th President in 2008's "W", before orchestrating an unnecessary and anti-climactic encore for Gordon Gekko in 2010's "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps". "Savages" was a bit of depraved fun in 2012, but each new project he tackles makes it more clear that his best days are behind him.




M. Night Shyamalan
Here we go. You knew this one was coming. M Night just may be the poster boy for directorial decline. He fell so far that many people have decided that they don't like "The Sixth Sense" anymore. In Night's defense, I remember the summer of '99 and this guy had us ALL seeing dead people. That flick made more money that year than any movie not called "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace" and had Newsweek proclaiming him the next Spielberg. He quickly reunited with Bruce Willis for 2000's "Unbreakable" and many were using that word to describe Shyamalan. "Signs" starring Mel Gibson did big business back when people were still willing to pay to see Mel Gibson, but Night's trademark shock endings were becoming a double-edged sword. You see, you can't really shock people after they've spent an hour and forty-five minutes EXPECTING a shock of some sort. You'd think an A-list director would know something like that. Shyamalan mistakenly believed that a 'clever' twist could make up for an otherwise unsatisfying viewing experience, a theory proven incorrect by 2004's "The Village". But Night's ego was such that no critic or studio suit could tell him how to make a movie, which led to the equally unpopular "Lady in the Water" in 2006. Just when it seemed like things couldn't get any worse, "The Happening" happened in 2008. This man went from genius to joke in less than ten years, and asking someone if they like M Night Shyamalan now is like asking someone if they like the Ebola virus. "The Last Airbender" was intended to be the first in a trilogy in 2010, but there wasn't a person on the planet willing to go along with that. I could delve into why "After Earth", featuring Will Smith and his son Jaden, was one of 2013's least-loved films but we've passed the point of redundancy. I wish I could end this on an optimistic note, but you or I are probably more likely to craft a worthwhile contribution to the art of cinema than this one-time wunderkind.

*Updated Feb 2017
Hey, I can admit when I'm wrong. "Split" is a big hit that reminded us what we loved about Shyamalan. He was always talented. I'll be rooting for him.




Kevin Smith
So, you thought we couldn't sink any lower than Shyamalan? Guess again. This fat fuck is the grand finale. I swear, I'm not enjoying this(remember, I sat through most of these movies). Kevin Smith famously maxed out multiple credit cards, sold his comic book collection and turned $30,000 into $3 million in 1994 with his foul-mouthed film festival breakthrough "Clerks". That deserves respect, as does 1997's "Chasing Amy", the definitive high point of his '90s heyday. "Mallrats" and "Dogma" have some scattered devotees, and I'll even go against my better judgment and admit to(mostly) enjoying "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back". But Smith lost his indie cred cool a LONG time ago and fell flat on his face when he entered the land of big budget mainstream studio comedies. This jersey-wearing jackass shat out "Jersey Girl", Zack and Miri Make a Porno" and "Cop Out" to completely dispel any notion that he was ever a top tier filmmaker. Ironically, Silent Bob seems to have talked his way into high-profile jobs while not learning a thing that could have made one of them work. I envy anyone that didn't compulsively force themselves to suffer through his subsequent horror outings "Red State" and "Tusk" because they had a movie blog to write. In recent years, Smith has managed to parlay his professional fan-boy status into a popular podcast and paid speaking engagements where he discusses actors and directors way more successful and relevant than him and mega-hits that he will(thankfully) never be a part of.

2014- The Worst Summer Movie Season Ever?

   It's the first week of September and the summer is unofficially over. Thank God. Don't get me wrong, I love warm weather and barbecues and the beach(well, maybe not the beach) and everything that the summer represents. Summer means fun. Unless you like going to the movies. If you're a regular filmgoer with a working brain, a trip to the theater has gradually become a less than pleasurable experience between the first week of May and the last week of August. Admit it. You made that long walk back to your car, staring at the ground, wondering how Michael Bay raped your wallet AGAIN. I'll resist the urge to turn this into a Bay-bashing blog, even though his fourth "Transformers" raked in over $1 billion worldwide and he's already announced a sequel to "TMNT". That would be too easy and there are plenty of other culprits. Maybe you shelled out to take a date to one of this summer's "comedies". If that's the case, I hope you at least got laid. When the fifth "Spider-Man" and the sixth "X-Men" are the most appealing options at the ticket counter, there's something seriously wrong. I know what you're thinking- "Planet of the Apes" was pretty good, and so was "22 Jump Street". Big f'n deal. I remember a time when you raced to the multiplex because you just HAD to see that great film that your family and friends were talking about or else you would be excluded from the conversation. Now you drag yourself there because you know deep down that you've seen everything, but you still have to find material for your blog.

   Let's talk about the Fourth of July weekend. Some earth-shattering cinematic events have taken place on or around the date that America celebrates it's independence. There are obvious examples like "Independence Day", one of the highest grossing films of the '90s. You may not know that "Terminator 2" and "Forrest Gump" both came out on the 4th. So did "Back to the Future". So, what did 2014 bring us? Drumroll, please. The answer is pictured directly above. "Tammy". That's right. Are you freaking kidding me?!?! TAMMY?!?!?!?! There's no need to even go any further. I've proven my point. July's box office average was down 30% this year. That's cause for concern. In twenty years, we've gone from a Tom Hanks Oscar winner to Melissa McCarthy sticking up a fast food restaurant. It's fitting in a way. Many movies today are the equivalent of fast food. The best reviewed film of the year so far is Richard Linklater's "Boyhood". It's got a 99% approval rating on RT, but only got a limited release this summer while dopey action vehicles like "Hercules" and "Lucy" were playing everywhere. Am I the only one bothered by this gross lack of diversity? Is there some sort of conspiracy in place, trying to lower our intelligence?

   Here are the cold, hard facts. For the first time since 2001, not one movie this summer passed the $300 million mark in the U.S. "Guardians of the Galaxy" was a late summer smash that will probably get there. Stallone's luck ran out with "The Expendables III" and the belated "Sin City" sequel totally bombed. There's ample proof that this was the most depressing summer movie season since 1975(give yourself a pat on the back if you knew that's the year "Jaws" came out). Spielberg recently made a gloomy prediction about the industry based on a glut of uninspired, under-performing would-be blockbusters. Jeffrey Katzenberg moaned that the movie biz is stagnant, and we won't see any real change for the remainder of the decade. The superhero genre will continue it's stranglehold over the marketplace in the coming years, with Marvel and DC engaged in a fight to the death. The slate for 2015-16 won't contain many surprises. Original creations like "Ghostbusters' and "Gremlins", which both topped the charts in 1984, aren't likely to appear. We'll see more huge opening weekends followed by a 60% drop off in the second week. Nothing will linger in the memory for too long, because each film is indistinguishable from the last. Cities will get destroyed, there will be a lot of cheap laughs, and the DVD will be on shelves in three months. That's how long "E.T." was number one at the box office, and it wasn't based on a comic book or a young adult novel. The thought of that happening now is funnier than anything that happened in "Sex Tape" and more far-fetched than "Let's Be Cops". Next year I'm going to the beach.