1. "Windows"(1980)
Ever wonder why Talia Shire's career never went much further than her recurring role as Balboa's better half? This ludicrous thriller from "Godfather" cinematographer Gordon Willis(go figure) should clear things up.
2. "Neighbors"(1981)
Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi clash in the longest SNL sketch of all time. Maybe that 'comic genius' label gets tossed around too liberally. I'd move out of any neighborhood that this pitiful pair resides in.
3. "Rhinestone"(1984)
Sylvester Stallone turned down "Beverly Hills Cop" to take singing lessons with Dolly Parton to the amusement of absolutely NO ONE in this painfully unfunny comedy. Critics delivered a knockout blow every time Sly left his comfort zone, no wonder Rocky/Rambo kept coming back.
4. "Howard the Duck"(1986)
Perhaps the most infamous release of the 1980s, "Star Wars" head honcho George Lucas was the driving force behind the first Marvel movie ever(don't worry, they recovered). "Howard" laid a massive egg at the box office, as a teary-eyed Lea Thompson gave up hope of ever being more than Marty McFly's mom.
5. "A Fine Mess"(1986)
This aptly-titled comic misfire from Blake Edwards("Breakfast at Tiffany's") finds Ted Danson and Howie Mandel on the run from bad guys for reasons you aren't likely to remember or care about.
6. "Barfly"(1987)
Mickey Rourke is a drunk. A really unpleasant one. And this movie is bad, too.
7. "Poltergeist III"(1988)
The concurrent death of child star Heather O'Rourke(she became very ill during production) lent an eerie subtext to the concluding chapter of this haunted house trilogy. With respect to Carol Anne, it's the only reason the cheap and cheesy "III" is even a morbid curiosity. Most of the original cast wisely stayed away from a high-rise reenactment of their 1982 hit, and the public followed suit.
8. "Fresh Horses"(1988)
Teen queen Molly Ringwald fell flat on her face in her first foray into more 'adult' material. She looks lost without John Hughes in this morose melodrama, while the momentary fame of costar Andrew McCarthy(faring no better) remains a mystery.
9. "No Holds Barred"(1989)
Pro wrestling champ Hulk Hogan plays...a pro wrestling champ in this sweaty debacle that probably set the pseudo-sport back about ten years in the eyes of the mainstream media. The big boot/leg drop never hurt this much.
10. "Little Monsters"(1989)
Who knew Fred Savage was capable of such savagery? The dumbest kids in the world didn't even want to hang with his blue Beetlejuice wannabe. That's Howie Mandel again, and this blog is the most attention he's gotten in over ten years.
11. "Backtrack/Catchfire"(1990)
It's ironic that Jodie Foster's worst movie is sandwiched in between her two Oscar-winning triumphs("The Accused", "The Silence of the Lambs"). She never should have gotten in bed with Charlie Sheen OR Dennis Hopper(her uncompromising director/costar). Thank God for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
12. "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane"(1990)
Andrew 'Dice' Clay parlayed his fleeting popularity into this pathetic vehicle about a leather-clad, wisecracking detective. Dice's macho persona is even more off-putting offstage, while director Renny Harlin proves that you can't polish a turd.
13. "Hudson Hawk"(1991)
Bruce Willis lost a chunk of his credibility as a singing cat burglar in this terrible turkey that should go down in the history books as HIS "Waterworld"(it was actually a bigger failure). From a distance, "Hawk" looked like a surefire summer hit. Get a little closer, and the smell of shit is overpowering. I'm getting neaseous just thinking about it.
14. "V.I. Warshawski"(1991)
A tough-talking Kathleen Turner permanently parted ways with the A-list in this wildly ill-conceived action comedy. "Warshawski" was intended to be the start of a franchise, but there wasn't a moviegoer in the country, male or female, willing to go along with that. Feminism has it's follies.
15. "Child's Play 3"(1991)
Killer doll Chucky wears out his welcome in a military school that's tougher than the real thing. Hollywood's laziness and lack of imagination when it came to 'scary' movies had left the genre unbearable. Speaking of...
16. "Leprechaun"(1993)
Warwick Davis did more harm than good as evidenced by this highly dubious attempt to create another horror icon. There's no pot of gold here, only a young Jennifer Aniston in her first film gig. She barely made it out alive.
17. "On Deadly Ground"(1994)
Steven Seagal(who also directed) gets environmentally conscious opposite Michael Caine(slumming in the pre-Nolan days) in this dreadful actioner that confused his fans with a closing four-minute speech about pollution that would make Al Gore proud. Deadly indeed.
18. "Mother's Boys"(1994)
A villainous Jamie Lee Curtis wants her kids back, and I want the hour and 36 minutes that it took to watch this wretched thriller back. My four-hundredth basic cable viewing of "Fatal Attraction" was infinitely more fun.
19. "Blankman"(1994)
Damon Wayans' movie career was a complete joke. The "In Living Color" clod is lucky he ever got to appear in front of a camera again after the release of this dire superhero parody. It made Jim Carrey's job that much easier.
20. "Bushwacked"(1995)
Daniel Stern disappeared after this dopey flick about a fugitive posing as a kids' camp counselor. You can only watch Marv get mauled so many times.
21. "Mr. Wrong"(1996)
I'm glad the daytime talk show thing worked out for Ellen DeGeneres. Because watching her play it straight in the most excruciating romantic comedy imaginable just felt all wrong.
22. "Striptease"(1996)
Demi Moore has a bodacious bod and little else to offer voyeuristic viewers in this vacuous vanity project. Somehow, Demi became the highest-paid actress in this world until the public learned to avoid her gimmicky star vehicles like the plague. Less is more.
23. "Freeway"(1996)
A 20 year old Reese Witherspoon clearly had potential, but this nasty indie didn't deserve to catch a rising star with it's revolting "Little Red Riding Hood" redo. This is why Kiefer Sutherland retreated to television.
24. "Beverly Hills Ninja"(1997)
I know this won't be a popular opinion, but MAYBE Chris Farley's drug-fueled demise at age 33 wasn't such a bad thing.
25. "Steel"(1997)
Worst superhero movie of all time? Mr. Freeze and George Clooney's Bat nips have got nothing on NBA superstar Shaquille O'Neal in a shoddy, shopworn iron man suit. I had a really hard time getting through all 97 minutes.
26. "Home Alone 3"(1997)
This wholly unnecessary third entry tried to squeeze a few more bucks out of the "Home Alone" brand with a cast that wouldn't cut it on a bottom-of-the-barrel sitcom(except for a 12 year old ScarJo, of course). Bushy-haired brat Alex D. Linz couldn't make anyone forget about Macauley Culkin. You just can't go home again.
27. "Major League: Back to the Minors"(1998)
I would call this(in-name-only) continuation of the baseball comedy series a cash-grab if it had actually made some. With Scott Bakula heading up a roster that DOESN'T include Charlie Sheen and Tom Berenger, this is a minor league effort in every way.
28. "Holy Man"(1998)
Ahh, Eddie Murphy. I can't decide which of his movies is the most embarrassing. This unholy comedy sits somewhere between "Pluto Nash" and "Meet Dave" in the rancid rankings. It got to a point where we only wanted to hear his voice if it was coming out of an animated donkey. I hope the money was worth it.
29. "Wild Wild West"(1999)
A jubilant Will Smith wears out his Fourth of July welcome in Barry Sonnenfeld's woeful film version of the '60s TV show. From Smith's lame hip-hop theme song to the numerous gadgets and forced comedic bits to the giant mechanical spider that appears at the climax, "West" is the textbook definition of would-be 'blockbuster' bullshit.
30. "Reindeer Games"(2000)
A 26 year old Ben Affleck wasn't quite there yet in his first leading man role. An ancient John Frankenheimer doesn't do him any favors in the kind of paint-by-the-numbers thriller that was fast becoming passé as we entered the new millennium.
31. "Vanilla Sky"(2001)
I'm hesitant to include this Tom Cruise-Cameron Crowe reunion because I'd classify it as an interesting failure(the crowd-pleasing "Jerry Maguire" couldn't be more further removed). Still, I can't think of another movie that started as promisingly and ended as erroneously as this lucid nightmare.
32. "2 Fast 2 Furious"(2003)
Okay, let me get this straight- the first "Fast" sequel was shite, and they STILL made parts 3,4,5,6,7,8? That's not how it's supposed to work. I'm not getting in ANY vehicle that Paul Walker is driving. You shouldn't, either.
33. "Hollywood Homicide"(2003)
Harrison Ford has bland hunk Josh Hartnett to blame for this buddy cop bomb that typified his 2000s slump. Or maybe Hartnett has old man Ford to blame for killing his movie career before it ever really began. You decide.
34. "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle"(2003)
If the audience enjoyed watching Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu as much as they appear to be enjoying themselves onscreen, "Angels" would be awesome. It's the exact opposite of that. I'd like to throttle McG for making summer escapism seem so insidious. This trio did the devil's work.
35. "Godsend"(2004)
This dreary, critically-reviled thriller(4% on RT) finds Robert De Niro making one of his high-priced extended cameos as a shady doctor offering to clone the dead son(Cameron Bright) of a grieving couple(Greg Kinnear, Rebecca Romijn). Spoiler alert- the clone is evil! So is this movie.
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| "I'm a 'serious' actress". |
36. "Birth"(2004)
Nicole Kidman looks as depressed as I felt watching this dour drama about a widow tormented by the possibility that a ten-year old boy(the creepy Cameron Bright again) MAY be the reincarnation of her dead husband. The ridiculousness of that premise paired with the pretentiousness of it's execution makes "Birth" the most egregious of Oscar bait.
37. "Christmas with the Kranks"(2004)
Why is nearly every Christmas comedy an outright calamity? Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis decide to skip the holidays. That's fine, because the world is skipping out on the Kranks during every holiday movie marathon from here to eternity.
38. "Waiting..."(2005)
Let's be honest, Ryan Reynolds was a total clown until Marvel came calling. I've been told that this is an accurate depiction of the restaurant business. It's time to abolish that archaic tipping ritual.
39. "Elizabethtown"(2005)
Orlando Bloom botches a rare starring role(he wouldn't get another one), and Kirsten Dunst ruins the "manic pixie dream girl" for everybody(thanks, Nathan Rabin) in this Cameron Crowe crap that forced a reevaluation of his standing as a top-tier filmmaker.
40. "Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction"(2006)
A 48 year old Sharon Stone should have been paid to keep her legs crossed, instead of trying(in vain) to revive her sagging career in this criminally careless sequel to her sexed-up 1992 breakthrough. Michael Douglas and every respectable leading man in Hollywood ran a million miles away from it.
41. "The Marine"(2006)
WWE superstar John Cena muscles his way into the movies in the most pedestrian piece-of-shit actioner I've ever seen. Oh, wait, he made me go "12 Rounds" a couple years later. Never mind.
42. "Georgia Rule"(2007)
I would have rather Jane Fonda stayed retired than add an epilogue to her acting career that included playing the loathsome Lindsay Lohan's grandmother. Speaking of retirement, it's something Garry Marshall should have thought about before senility robbed the "Pretty Woman" director of the ability to select projects worthy of our precious time and money.
43. "Captivity"(2007)
Torture porn gets taken to a level that left me yearning for the subtly and restraint of the "Saw" franchise. Elisha Cuthbert kissed any chance of a healthy film career good-bye the moment she agreed to be violated by this Z grade production. Roland Joffe, shame on you.
44. "Rush Hour 3"(2007)
We've got a lot of lousy threequels on here. Chris Tucker(and his car radio) and Jackie Chan's mismatched cop duo were only ever mildly amusing in the first place. NINE years earlier. Brett Ratner should be banned from the land of big budget studio filmmaking.
45. "Street Kings"(2008)
Keanu Reeves needed to be cuffed for this putrid police procedural that should have been enough to deny David Ayer the director's chair. A dishonorable mention must go to Forest Whitaker for overacting to a degree that demanded Razzie consideration.
46. "The Spirit"(2008)
Comic book legend Frank Miller deserves a dressing-down for this baffling adaptation of the 1940s superhero strip. Sam Jackson hams it up as the evil Octopus in an aggressively awful display of style over substance. How this got greenlit is beyond me.
47. "Jennifer's Body"(2009)
Teenage girls are terrifying, in more ways than one. It didn't take long for Megan Fox to be exposed as a talentless sham in this cringe-inducing horror-comedy from "Juno" screenwriter Diablo Cody. Amanda Seyfried should choose her friends more carefully.
48. "From Paris with Love"(2010)
A bald John Travolta caps off a catastrophic decade("Battlefield Earth" dropped ten years earlier) with this junky thriller that saw his movie star status get completely revoked. I don't think I could sit through it again at gunpoint.
49. "You Again"(2010)
Sigourney Weaver and Jamie Lee Curtis head up this agonizing all-girls comedy that I began erasing from my memory bank before the end credits were over. Critic Richard Roeper called it the worst film of 2010. Sounds about right.
50. "Trespass"(2011)
Nick Cage and Nicole Kidman are a married couple in this trashy home invasion thriller that arrived in theaters about twenty years too late. Joel Schumacher's final film lost $30 million, and contains little trace of the talent that "The Lost Boys" director once possessed.
51. "This Means War"(2012)
Reese Witherspoon is torn between hunky CIA pals Chris Pine and Tom Hardy(both hoping nobody remembers this, sorry, fellas). "War" is one of those movies that hopes at least half the audience is female and/or dumb as hell. Director by(who else?) McG.
52. "Saving Christmas"(2014)
The unintentional hilarity of Kirk Cameron's religious zealotry(and a scant 80 minute runtime) is the only thing keeping me from calling this one of the worst movies I've ever seen. That 0% on RT was no accident.
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| I feel the same way, ladies. |
53. "Hot Pursuit"(2015)
Reese, if I hadn't seen "Walk the Line", I'd think you were the worst actress out there. Imagine "Midnight Run" with loads of estrogen and none of the entertainment value. Nothing hot about this pursuit.
54. "Vacation"(2015)
Ed Helms, of "Hangover" fame, is the timid adult version of Rusty Griswald, and he's been hired to drag us kicking and screaming through another "Vacation". A swim through raw sewage and a giant ball of pubic hair had John Hughes and Harold Ramis rolling over in their graves.
55. "Central Intelligence"(2016)
The Rock is a crock, and 'intelligence' is the last word that could be used to describe any cinematic endeavor involving Dwayne Johnson and the hapless Kevin Hart. These two make "Twins" look Oscar-worthy.
56. "Masterminds"(2016)
Zach Galifianakis thinks that being a fat, bearded idiot is funny in itself(I disagree). Kristin Wiig and Kate McKinnon are both losing my support as quickly as they got it. The masterminds of this redneck rodeo belong in movie jail.
57. "Why Him?"(2016)
Why is James Franco's career so maddeningly inconsistent? There's no way his tattooed, foul-mouthed millionaire-miscreant is a success at anything, much less making us laugh. Welcome to the movie biz, Bryan Cranston.
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| "Ha, ha, you paid to see this". |
58. "XXX: Return of Xander Cage"(2017)
Vin Diesel is poison, he's a drug pusher, and impressionable youth need to be kept far away from his product. He represents pure evil, a cynical, soulless moneymaking machine that doesn't care how many developing minds are damaged for the sake of commerce.
59. "Fifty Shades Darker"(2017)
When I see fifty people paying to see a "Fifty Shades" sequel, I'm slightly embarrassed on behalf of the whole human race.
60. "Rough Night"(2017)
You can say that again. Scarlet Johansson stars in this classless comedy about a bachelerette party that results in a dead male stripper(somebody got paid to come up with that). Just what the world needed, "Weekend at Bernie's" for women. Comedy is dead.
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