I can't believe I'm feeling nostalgic for the "Star Wars" trilogy that wasn't even meant for me. They're perhaps the most divisive films ever made, generating a crazed contempt from obsessive fan-boys that was wildly disproportionate to the gargantuan profits that poured into the pockets of the man that "raped your childhood". Bashing the prequels became a favorite pastime of movie geeks in the 2000s, but it didn't stop George Lucas from becoming a multibillionaire. Never before have the voices of dissent meant so little. That clever, bearded bastard knew that this thing was MUCH bigger than the thirty-something set that would never approve of Jar Jar Binks(they got a vitriolic head start on those cuddly Ewoks), but would still pay up to see the rest of the saga unfold, and they would bring their impressionable offspring that wouldn't care about Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman's eye-rolling romance because Yoda is surprisingly mobile and somebody will be swinging a lightsaber any minute now.
It's time for a fresh critical reevaluation of "Episodes I-III" as we prepare to face the mass-merchandised madness ALL OVER AGAIN starting with the Dec 18th release of "The Force Awakens". Strive for objectivity and remember this, WHOEVER you are- "Star Wars" doesn't belong to you.
"Star Wars: Episode I- The Phantom Menace"(1999)
The most hyped film in history was released on May 19, 1999. I remember it like it was yesterday. You couldn't escape "Wars" if you wanted to, from the moment that buzz-building trailer dropped on Thanksgiving Eve 1998, promising Force fanatics an EPIC exploration of the Old Republic replete with shiny CGI and colorful creatures from all corners of the galaxy(be careful what you wish for). What do you mean, you didn't camp out for a month to hear about the Trade Federation's response to the taxation of trade routes? Didn't you see that double-bladed lightsaber?? I know, there's too much Jar Jar, and too little of that bad-ass space devil Darth Maul. But the pod-race and Duel of the Fates were worth the price of admission alone, instantly joining the T-1000 and the T-Rex on the list of the decade's most stunning FX achievements, while Liam Neeson was everything a seasoned Jedi Knight should be. Alas, it wasn't enough.
"TPM" was the second biggest moneymaker of the '90s behind "Titanic", AND the second movie to feel the full wrath of keyboard warriors(how ya doin', "Batman & Robin"?). This won't be a popular stance, but George Lucas is the author of the "SW" universe, and if he says that Anakin Skywalker was a bushy-haired brat that can't act, then who are YOU to say otherwise? The man just got too insulated and powerful. He told the story he wanted to tell with INSURMOUNTABLE expectations, it just wasn't the story that Jedi junkies had been writing in their heads for 16 years. Let's stop this nonsense once and for all about "Menace" being "one of the worst movie of all time", that dubious distinction is reserved for titles like "Battlefield Earth" and the latter-day works of Adam Sandler. "Episode I" WASN"T EVEN the worst movie released in the summer of '99(what's up, "Wild Wild West"?). It wasn't the cinematic Second Coming, but neither was "The Matrix" with the benefit of hindsight, so please just halt the hateful hyperbole when it comes to this movie and think about the kids. I'll bet you were one when you first fell in love with "Star Wars".
"Star Wars: Episode II- Attack of the Clones"(2002)
Lucas forged ahead, unfazed by the bombastic backlash swelling online(although he did give Binks the boot) as Anakin is transformed from a precocious slave boy into a temperamental teen torn between love and an outdated Jedi moral code. Opponents of Hayden Christensen's acting often neglect to mention Mark Hamill's lack of Oscar nominations(I like the guy, but it's true). Ewan McGregor was starting to look like Alec Guinness, and I don't recall too many complaints about his swashbuckling Ben Kenobi. The late Christopher Lee's commanding turn as Count Dooku was an effective villain that should have had a greater presence(alongside Maul!) in "Episodes II and II" to point out one of George's less frequently cited errors. Sam Jackson has a cool purple lightsaber, and Mace Windu is the Jon Jones of Jedi. The film is a visual feast(or at least it was in '02) and the climactic battle scenes deliver, yet too many of the criticisms of "Episode I" still apply.
"Clones" is the only "SW" film to NOT rank as it's year's highest grosser(Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man swung away with that title). However, there was an even larger threat looming over Lucas' empire- an upstart Peter Jackson was showing moviegoers the correct way to do a fully CG character and his lush New Zealand landscapes stood in stark contrast to LucasFilm's sterile greenscreening. "LOTR" indeed stole the hearts of fantasy film buffs and won Oscars that Lucas' PT could only dream about(ironically, "The Hobbit" trilogy was met with a similar lack of reverence). I wouldn't call it an attack of the clones, but Lucas was hardly alone in the land of excessive film franchising as each passing year made it a little harder to impress a 21st century populace with a plethora of pyrotechnics to choose from.
"Star Wars: Episode III- Revenge of the Sith"(2005)
The fourth best "SW" movie(so far) and the best of the prequels was a lot closer to what the saga's notoriously nitpicky fan-base had in mind when it's controversial creator revealed that he was ready to tell the tragic tale of a young Anakin Skywalker(this was when he REALLY started tinkering with the OT that only matched about 50% of his TRUE vision). The lambasted Lucas should've used that precious time to punch up his dialogue which wasn't any easier to digest, but he was never Woody Allen or Quentin Tarantino and we don't walk into "SW" expecting dazzling wordplay. Ian McDiarmid rose above these verbal restrictions as the sinister, scheming architect of Anakin's fall from grace, his Emperor providing much of the connective tissue between "Sith" and the "Star Wars" of my youth. The lightsaber action rarely lets up before a demoralized Obi-Wan and Yoda take a 19-year hiatus as a hideously scarred Hayden suits up as Darth Vader(while diehards screamed "NOOOOO") and Natalie Portman's Padme pops out Luke and Leia to set the stage for "Episode IV".
"Episode III" took in $380 million to rule the summer '05 box office, while an exhausted Lucas told the media that the story was now complete. It's extremely unlikely that he meant it, but at age 61, it was even more unlikely that he'd have the stamina to follow through on the once-promised Episodes VII-IX. "No more Star Wars", the gray-haired grump proclaimed, as if he were deliberately trying to disappoint his disciples one last time. An animated "Clone Wars" TV series satisfied the hunger until the most earth-shattering announcement since ol' Darth admitted he was a deadbeat dad- the 2012 Disney acquisition. Now the whole world waits for J.J. Abrams to atone for those pesky prequels with "The Force Awakens". A slew of standalone adventures are already being planned. But will they really be THAT much better? Is my age group still hoping for another "Empire Strikes Back"? Will the prequel supporters(yes, there is such a thing) finally GET how integral Harrison Ford is to the proceedings? There's one thing I do know- the kids are gonna love it.
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