Franchise Review- Friday the 13th

   Thirty-five years ago, a hockey-mask wearing killer began slaughtering bad actors pretending to be teenagers. Actually, that's not true, Jason's mother got the grisly cycle started(thanks, "Scream"). My feeling is that "Friday the 13th" is THE worst franchise this side of "Police Academy", and possibly the worst franchise in the history of Hollywood. That covers A LOT of ground. The next time you're feeling nostalgic about the 1980s, remember this- almost every year of that decade saw the release of a "Friday" film(1983 and '87 were both spared). It's Halloween, so please join me as I recap Jason Voorhees' lamentable legacy. I can't do it alone.

Horror fun fact- Betsy Palmer piled up bodies as Jason's maniacal mother.

"Friday the 13th"(1980)
Wes Craven apprentice Sean S. Cunningham, inspired by the shocking success of John Carpenter's 1978 landmark "Halloween", became the first and most successful in a long line of imitators, and is the father of the "Friday" franchise. Cunningham essentially took a catchy title and eight young novices(it's Kevin Bacon!) into the woods with half-a-million dollars and set the tone for an entire genre. The '80s was the best AND worst of times for horror fans- you were guaranteed MANY more visits from your favorite fictional killer until the death toll devolved into unintentional comedy. Filmmakers with talent approaching that of Hitchcock or Kubrick would rarely consider "a scary movie" after Freddy turned up for the fifth time. They had reputations to think about.

   Adrienne King is no Jamie Lee Curtis, but this series never needed a signature heroine. The closing shot of Jason's decomposed body coming out of that water("He's still there") may have been worth the price of a 1980 movie ticket alone, and is the single best moment in all twelve(so far) films. "Friday" made almost as much money as "The Shining" that summer(sigh), and Jack Nicholson's salary dwarfed it's entire budget. Guess which one is my favorite horror movie.

"Friday the 13th Part 2"(1981)
The second "Friday" begins with a recap of the first film's finale, like "Halloween II" which it beat into theaters by exactly six months(who copied who?), to pad out an-already scant 87 minute running time. Amy Steel replaces Adrienne King as the obligatory Final Girl(these names won't get any more familiar), while Steve Miner kicks off a revolving door of dirt-bag directors. Jason wears unintimidating overalls and a burlap sack over his head, clearly illustrating the hasty production process. I love how he effortlessly kills everyone in sight for a half-hour, only to fumble around and forget how to do so in the third act. I guess those eyeholes weren't big enough.

   Utterly incompetent filmmaking couldn't keep indiscriminant youths from dropping $22 million on this mess. With a $1.2 million budget, it was good news for enterprising Paramount execs that eyed a profitable product unburdened by expectations of actual quality. There was simply no way of knowing what we were in for.

"Friday the 13th Part III"(1982)
Jason, now sporting his iconic hockey mask, tears through more terrified teens to take the title of cinema's preeminent killer(MM took seven years off and FK wasn't around yet). Steve Miner is the only director to sit at the helm of more than one "Friday", and he brings the bloodshed in 3-D way before anyone knew who James Cameron was. "III" removed "E.T." from the top spot at the box office for one weekend in late August, so that's something "Friday" fanatics can gloat about(if there is such a thing). Like Michael Jackson, Madonna and Michael J. Fox, you soon wouldn't be able to escape Jason if you tried, such was the character's cultural omnipresence. An real machete to the throat was starting to look more appealing.

"Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter"(1984)
Did those Paramount pornographers REALLY intend to conclude the Crystal Lake saga in 1984? Despite fierce opposition from critics, it seems highly unlikely. False advertising aside, film buffs may have fun pointing out the presence of Corey Feldman and Crispin Glover. Unfortunately, there's nothing else to see here. Director Joseph Zito was reportedly hostile toward the cast and crew. He saved his greatest hostility for the audience. Are brutal murders entertaining? This terrible movie thinks so.

"Friday the 13th: A New Beginning"(1985)
The foul fifth entry arrived in theaters eleven months after the fourth, wasting no time in exposing the insincerity of that film's title. Masochistic viewers would be mistreated to a halfway house horror show in the wilderness with a mysterious NEW killer carrying on Jason's carnage- an attempt to 'freshen' things up that resulted in a lower box office tally than the last two. It turned out that creativity(if you can call it that) had no place in this slasher-thon, and mildly retarded teens had become rather attached to the real Jason and his stupid hockey mask. There was enough blood and breasts to make up for his relative absence if we're judging "A New Beginning" on it's own shallow terms, and a(then) series high body count. That's presumably why "V"(unlike the previous 'final' chapter) would sadly live up to it's name.

"Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives"(1986)
A returning Jason is established as a supernatural force for the first time(sequels forever!!!), so at least we don't have to wonder how he keeps coming back. The pre-credits 007 homage was an admittedly clever touch, a sly acknowledgment that Jason now occupied a similar place in pop culture as the suave superspy. The awfulness of these films was becoming irrelevant because the studio knew what they were doing- keep it under 90 minutes, the budget under $5 million, quadruple that at the ticket counter and you come out a winner. That's capitalism, and it does have a downside. A fast food diet can be dangerous, and you don't want to shut your brain off TOO much. It might not come back on. Some people shouldn't be allowed to vote.

"Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood"(1988)
The ludicrousness reaches new levels with the introduction of a female psychic protagonist(Lar Park Lincoln) with telekinetic powers. A mildly interesting idea executed as excruciatingly as you'd expect. Hulking stuntman Kane Hodder makes his debut behind the mask, and would wear it for the next three installments(he's the only man to play the role more than once). Hodder agreed to be set on fire for a full forty seconds, a Hollywood record at the time(I needed something nice to say). Twenty years before Marvel, "The New Blood" got the summer of '88 started off all wrong. Thank God for Rambo and Roger Rabbit.

"Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan"(1989)
Let's get one thing straight right off the bat, Jason doesn't really 'take' Manhattan. It's way too expensive to film there, so most of this bullshit takes place on a boat. We're in NYC for approximately twenty minutes(including an ugly opening credits montage). "Part VIII" bombed thanks partly to "Batman", indicating that the public was ready to part ways with Jason(AND Freddy/Michael Myers) as their decade of destruction drew to a close. Oh, if only that had been the case. The sewer-set finale finds the hockey-masked hellion covered in raw sewage. How incredibly fitting.

"Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday"(1993)
Now I'm really pissed. "The Final Friday", huh? Just like it was "The Final Chapter" and "The Final Nightmare"?! Fuck you. I'll watch "Jurassic Park" 900 times before I'll endure this ninth visit from Voorhees again. I don't know if Jason went to hell, but I sure did. You don't know what pain is, till you've seen Richard Gant possessed by the spirit of Jason after eating his heart. The '80s sequels had a sleazy charm. This is one of the biggest pieces of shit I've ever seen in my life.

"Jason X"(2002)
You thought it was over, didn't you? Nine years is a long time. It turns out Jason was just taking a little nap. If toxic Tinsel-town suits have their way, he might ACTUALLY make it to the year 2455. You'd be hard-pressed to find a more desperate endeavor than this early 21st Century revival. Every negative description in existence applies to "X", along with ones that haven't even been invented yet. I think it's supposed to be pronounced "Jason Ten", but this monstrosity doesn't deserve to have it's name said correctly. Anyone that sees the comedic value in this futuristic folly has a better sense of humor than I do. This is probably the worst movie of 2002. Maybe the worst movie of all time.

"Freddy vs. Jason"(2003)
Okay, here's the backstory- Paramount saw "Friday" as a dying property after "Manhattan", so they dumped the rights which were promptly picked up by New Line Cinema(Freddy's home). This smack-down was teased at the end of "Jason Goes to Hell", and it took ten years to come to frightening fruition and is every bit as pathetic as one of the pitiful pair's solo outings. If you funded this joint resurrection, then we're probably not going to get along very well. At least Hollywood hasn't booked a rematch.

"Friday the 13th"(2009)
History repeats itself as Jason rises from the grave yet again, nearly thirty years after his inaugural massacre. We have Rob Zombie's '07 "Halloween" remake(and the "Saw" series) to blame for "Friday" getting a fresh coat of paint. A new slate of attractive nobodies(that weren't even alive in 1980) are served up before Mrs. Voorhees' violent offspring. Michael Bay was behind the scenes for this rancid 're-imaging'(money is his middle name), which scared some business away from Liam Neeson's "Taken". It sucks, but you knew that already. Still, there's something strangely comforting about the fact that Jason's still out there. We've come this far, and today's kids should know what that hockey mask means. Their kids should know, too. James Bond has twenty-five films, so this unlikely icon has more work to do. See you next time, Jason.