The 80 Greatest Characters of the '80s

   I love the '80s. So do you, according to my feedback. Say what you will about Ronald Reagan's stay in the White House, but this decade was jam-packed with superior entertainment. From Yoda's private lessons with Luke to Keaton in a cape and cowl, you simply won't find an era in film more flat-out fun than this one.

   I made a few simple rules before I compiled this list- a) all characters had to have originated in the '80s(sorry, Ripley) or at least the version in question, b) no characters totally based on real people(sorry, Jake LaMotta) and c) only two characters per actor(it's only fair). Gordon Gekko taught me that time is money, so let's get down to business. Here's my list of the 80 greatest characters of the '80s.

80(tie). Bobo Fett- "Empire Strikes Back", "Return of the Jedi"(1980, 1983)
I felt an obligation to include this wildly popular intergalactic bounty hunter, even though his screen time is VERY limited in George Lucas' space opera. That hardly mattered to franchise fanatics. Here's hoping Disney gives him more to do.

80(tie). Mahoney- "Police Academy 1-4"(1984, 1985, 1986, 1987)
Steve Guttenberg's smart-ass cop caused a lot of laughter in this LONG-running collection of comedies. Well, maybe not a lot. Maybe not even laughter. More like a weak smile or two. Either way, the Gutt was an '80s superstar.

79. Johnny Five- "Short Circuit", Short Circuit II"(1986, 1988)
Screw you, Chappie. There's only so much room for lovable robots in film and we've already made way for WALL-E . Johnny Five is alive, but could only thrive for two years before ending up in the vast scrap heap of our collective consciousness. Still, this precocious piece of military hardware had his moments.

78. Pinhead- "Hellraiser", Hellraiser II: Hellbound"(1987, 1988)
He looks cool. That's all.

77. Inigo Montoya- "The Princess Bride"(1987)
His name is Mandy Patinkin, and even our great grandkids will know what the six-fingered man did to this Spaniard swordsman's father.

76. Clubber Lang- "Rocky III"(1982)
Before there was Mike Tyson, there was this Chicago-bred bad-ass. Clubber is the definition of ornery. If one of those sledgehammer-like haymakers don't get to you, his cruel schoolyard taunts will. He doesn't seem to like or respect anyone as far as I can tell. Lang is the polar opposite of the amiable Italian Stallion and Mr. T owes his entire, ahem acting career to him.

75. Sgt. Hartman- "Full Metal Jacket"(1987)
The first forty-five minutes of Stanley Kubrick's blistering take on Vietnam is the stuff of legend and it doesn't contain one second of combat. That's because R Lee Ermey's dastardly drill instructor is scarier than flying bullets. His in-your-face insults make chaotic gunfire look like a pleasant experience. I know I wasn't the only one pulling for Pvt. Pyle.

74. Connor MacLeod- "Highlander"(1986)
Chris Lambert's immortal Scotsman often goes overlooked when the heroes of his genre are discussed(it could be that "Quickening" crap). Come to think of it, he's lucky to be on here at all. Connor has been battling The Kurgan for centuries in various forms of media since he first swung his sword in this high-concept climate. There should have been only one.

73. Johnny Castle- "Dirty Dancing"(1987)
He's wild. He showed Jennifer Grey's 'Baby' Houseman the time of her life. And nobody puts her in the corner. Find me an 80's female that didn't fall for Patrick Swayze's sweaty dance instructor. It's like looking for an early 21st Century tween uninterested in "Twilight".

72. Roy Batty- "Blade Runner"(1982)
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time...like tears in rain...Time to die".

71. Duckie- "Pretty In Pink"(1986)
John Cryer can credit his scene-stealing turn as Molly Ringwald's reluctant best friend for much of his showbiz staying power. The lovelorn, outrageously attired Duckie was stuck in the friend zone before that was even an official term, but Cryer had the last laugh with a ten-year run on "Two and a Half Men". Have you seen Andrew McCarthy lately?

70. Pee Wee Herman- "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", "Big Top Pee Wee"(1985, 1988)
Paul Reubens has Tim Burton to thank for giving his wacky man-child such an auspicious debut as he searched the USA for his beloved bike(his circus stint isn't remembered quite as fondly). Pee Wee was a permanent fixture throughout the '80s, but the party ended(or began?) in that Florida porn theater. Maybe it was for the best.

69. Karl- "Caddyshack"(1980)
Bill Murray is basically a national treasure at this point, but I'm here to talk about his humble beginnings. The recent SNL grad's dimwitted groundskeeper makes a strong case for a big screen career by stealing Harold Ramis' much-loved golf comedy with a only a handful of scenes and an animatronic gopher. You can have all those Wes Anderson flicks, I'll take that Baby Ruth bar any day.

68. Michael Dorsey/Dorothy Michaels- "Tootsie"(1982)
Dustin Hoffman delivered the most memorable drag act since "Some Like It Hot" in Sydney Pollack's critically lauded crowd-pleaser. There's nothing hot about Dorothy, but that doesn't stop her from becoming a soap opera sensation. Michael became a better man when he was a woman if you can understand that. Jessica Lange did. No Dorsey, no Doubtfire, it's as simple as that.

67. Ray Stantz- "Ghostbusters", Ghostbusters II"(1984, 1989)
Dan Aykroyd's career elicits mixed emotions("Dragnet", anyone?), but his preoccupation with the paranormal resulted in a bona-fide pop culture phenomenon. You're familiar with 'Ghostbusters" even if you didn't grow up with it, and he's the heart of the whole enterprise. Danny got a b-j from a ghost, and we would have gotten "III" in the early '90s if it were up to him. It's finally becoming a reality thanks to his tireless dedication to the brand he co-created(R.I.P. Harold Ramis). Go get her, Ray.

66. Ash- "The Evil Dead", "Evil Dead II"(1981, 1987)
A cult hero if there ever was one, Bruce Campbell built up a noticeable following, battling zombies in a remote cabin and parodying all of his conventional counterparts in Sam Raimi's micro-budgeted horror franchise. That's groovy.

65. CD Bales- "Roxanne"(1987)
Steve Martin's small town fire chief has a big nose and a poetic soul and is frankly, too good for Daryl Hannah's shallow astronomer. He's heard every big nose joke in the book and makes short work of any idiot that tries to think of a new one. CD remains Martin's most endearing role.

64. Cousin Eddie- "National Lampoon's Vacation/Christmas Vacation"(1983, 1989)
Randy Quaid may have been Oscar nominated in the '70s, but he'll always be Chevy Chase's flaky rural relative. His scene-stealing Eddie is unemployed and taught his daughter how to French kiss. The '89 holiday season really sealed the deal, though. "The shitter was full" is going on this guy's tombstone.

63. Sophie Zawistowski- "Sophie's Choice"(1982)
This Polish immigrant and concentration camp survivor was forced to choose which one of her kids would live(sorry, nothing funny here). When people refer to Meryl Streep as the greatest actress who ever lived, this is what they're talking about.

62. Frances Galvin- "The Verdict"(1982)
Paul Newman's alcoholic ambulance-chaser deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as Luke, Butch Cassidy and "Fast" Eddie Felson whenever his legendary career is discussed. Frances is looking for redemption in Sidney Lumet's courtroom drama. Newman never needed it. Do yourself a favor and give Galvin another look.

61. Rupert Pupkin- "The King of Comedy"(1983)
This delusional, talentless, fame-obsessed wannabe is just as frightening as Travis Bickle and Max Cady in some circles. Bobby D's total commitment to a character that should be committed is Marty's most under-sung effort with his(once) favorite leading man.

60. The Marquis de Merteuil- "Dangerous Liasons"(1988)
She's a virtuoso of deceit. Glenn Close governed over the least boring costume drama in film history with steely perfection. The Marquis has ice water running through her veins and matches Malkovich's maliciousness every step of the way. That's no small feat. No woman has ever wiped off make-up more memorably.

59. Sally Albright- "When Harry Met Sally..."(1989)
Meg Ryan became the romantic comedy queen opposite Billy Crystal in Rob Reiner's crowning achievement. She maintained her box office viability playing slight variations of WASP princess Sally for several years after. I think we'd all like to have lunch with her.

58. Ralphie- "A Christmas Story"(1983)
This bespectacled blonde BB gun-obsessed brat became a permanent holiday fixture and I'm still not sure how it happened(I'm more of a Kevin McCallister man myself). I won't deny him a spot on this list, though.

57. Jimmy Malone- "The Untouchables"(1987)
Nobody ever graduated to the role of elder statesman with more grace than original 007 Sean Connery. He taught Kevin Costner how to do it the Chicago Way in Brian DePalma's Prohibition era hit, while nabbing the Supporting Actor Oscar and extending his career by at least a decade in the process.

56. John Bender- "The Breakfast Club"(1985)
John Hughes' coolest creation not named Ferris Bueller, Judd Nelson's juvenile delinquent will leave you wondering why he didn't do more. He surely got with teen queen Molly Ringwald soon after that fateful day-long detention, and when Bender triumphantly pounds his fist up in the air at the conclusion, we're throwing ours up right along with him.

55. Col. Trautman- "Rambo" trilogy(1982, 1985, 1988)
"You don't seem to want to accept the fact that you're dealing with an expert in guerilla warfare, a man who's the best with guns, with knives, with his bare hands. A man trained to ignore pain, to ignore weather, to live off the land, and to eat things that would make a billy goat puke. In Vietnam his job was to dispose of enemy personnel. To kill! Period! Win by attrition. Well, Rambo was the best". Kirk Douglas couldn't have delivered those lines any better. The late Richard Crenna was cinema's ultimate hype man.

54. Gizmo- "Gremlins"(1984)
He may be a poor man's E.T., but this cute fur-ball had his moments. They mostly involved wreaking havoc all over sleepy suburbia. You're not supposed to get him wet or feed him after midnight. I think we're all glad Zach Galligan didn't listen. Something tells me we'll be seeing Joe Dante's crazy critter(s) again.

53. "Josh Baskin- "Big"(1988)
Tom Hanks laid the groundwork for his epic '90s run with his flawless portrayal of a twelve year old trapped in a man's body. He loses a few points for foolishly giving up a sick apartment, a dream job and true love to dick around with best bud Billy for a few more years.

52. Ivan Drago- "Rocky IV"(1985)
Sylvester Stallone may be psychic. He accurately predicted the total dominance of Russians in heavyweight boxing twenty years before it actually took place when he delivered Balboa's most fearsome foe. Dialogue was never really Dolph's thing, so it worked out nicely for everyone(except for Apollo, of course). Long live the Siberian Bull.

51. Chris Chambers- "Stand By Me"(1986)
The last two decades in film might look very different if River Phoenix had lived(would Leo DiCaprio had enjoyed the same earth-shattering success?). We'll never know, but Joaquin Phoenix's older brother made his most lasting impression as the reflective ringleader of Rob Reiner's coming-of-age tale.

50. George McFly- "Back to the Future"(1985)
Crispin Glover would like you to know that he wasn't hanging upside down in old-man make-up during the 2105 portion of "Part II". I would like him to know that Bob Zemeckis' masterpiece is the ONLY reason anyone knows his name.

49. Uncle Buck- "Uncle Buck"(1989)
He never went to college. He doesn't even have a job. John Hughes unleashed John Candy's professional ne'er do well on sleepy suburbia and gave the beloved big guy his greatest screen role. Buck just BARELY beats Del Griffith for this slot because well, it's harder to laugh at a homeless widower.

48. Aurora Greenway- "Terms of Endearment"(1983)
This uptight Houston matriarch nabbed Shirley MacLaine the Best Actress Oscar that she probably should have won in 1960 for "The Apartment". Her fondness for this role led to a needless 1996 sequel("The Evening Star"). Family members and would-be suitors rarely live up to Aurora's lofty standards. She's a lifelong pain in Debra Winger's ass. At least Jack killed that bug up hers.

47. Frank Drebin- "The Naked Gun"(1988)
Leslie Nielsen made deadpan comedy an art form as the outrageously oblivious, wildly inept centerpiece of this improbable franchise-starter from the "Airplane!" team of Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker. We love Lt. Drebin, even though he hangs out with OJ, because he DID pull in Priscilla. He's an awesome umpire, too.

46. Chucky- "Child's Play"(1988)
This demonic doll definitely joined that rather dubious list of slasher icons after a quarter century of witty one-liners and creative kills. The guilty pleasure began when he started terrorizing young owner Andy, and as long as there's an audience for cheap and cheesy horror(like recent pretender "Annabelle"), Chucky can always count on a revival.

45. The Predator- "Predator"(1987)
Legend has it that James Cameron made some suggestions to Stan Winston about the presentation of this alien beast. He's one ugly you-know-what with those mandibles and dreadlocks. Fortunately, he's only visible when he's giving Arnie a shit kicking in the third act.

44. Spicoli- "Fast Times At Ridgemont High"(1982)
Sean Penn is about as serious as it gets and has two Oscars to show for it. That's why it's endlessly amusing to see where it all began for the future star of "Milk" and "Mystic River" in Amy Heckerling's seminal teen comedy. There are a million Spicolis out there. You might even be one. "Fast Times" captured a time when stoners were fresh and funny.

43. Irwin Fletcher- "Fletch", "Fletch Lives"(1985, 1989)
Chevy Chase has called Irwin Fletcher his favorite role and the best representation of his real life personality, but don't hold that against him. If this wisecracking investigative reporter is your favorite offering of his, I commend you on your choice. The movie gods have thus far disallowed a much-discussed third film to materialize with a new star. Some things should just be left alone, and I'm definitely not alone in not wanting to see another actor identify himself as Ted Nugent or Dr. Rosenpenis.

42. Frank Booth- "Blue Velvet"(1986)
David Lynch and Dennis Hopper are an eternally eerie combination. Typecasting was simply unavoidable for the "Easy Rider" star after sucking nitrous oxide and dry-humping Isabella Rossellini. In other words, he ended up playing a lot of lunatics. I heard he was a method actor.

41. Zod- "Superman II"(1981)
I may be cheating a bit here, but we only got a brief glimpse of this Kryptonian super-villain in '78. Terence Stamp can now rest assured that "Man Of Steel" and Michael Shannon didn't replace him in the public consciousness. He took over Earth in about three days and acted incredibly pompous while doing so. We still kneel before his Zod.

40. Snake Plissken- "Escape From New York"(1981)
Kurt Russell and John Carpenter may have been a poor man's Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg, but Plissken is still a memorable bad-ass who doesn't give a fuck about the President. Someone please tell me why Snake didn't get a timely sequel/franchise in an era when nearly EVERY popular hero got one. I'm waiting. Kurt could've cracked the top 20 in an alternate reality.

39. Susie Diamond- "The Fabulous Baker Boys"(1989)
Her immortal take on Catwoman/Selina Kyle may have a legion of fawning fan-boys(myself included), but this slinky songbird is generally considered the peak of Michelle Pfeiffer's ethereal hotness and that's REALLY SAYING SOMETHING. Jeff Bridges' hard-hearted piano man never stood a chance.

38. Jack Walsh- "Midnight Run"(1988)
I've long maintained that this gruff bounty hunter is one of De Niro's finest characterizations outside of a Scorsese film. Watch his cross country trek with Charles Grodin again and tell me I'm wrong. Sure, he's a heavy smoker with a very limited wardrobe, but Bob gave Walsh depth that wasn't on the page.

37. Biff Tannen- "Back to the Future", Back to the Future Part II"(1985, 1989)
Ah, Biff. Tom Wilson never got the credit he deserved for the malevolent fun he brought to Hill Valley's worst resident(he should've gotten a Supporting Actor nom in '89). Whether he's a cane-wielding codger or a crazed cross between Donald Trump and Elvis Presley, Biff is never NOT an asshole. Don't ask him about that manure truck.

36. Jabba the Hut- "Return of the Jedi"(1983)
This disgusting blob put Solo on the run and apparently rules Tatooine. He put Leia in that gold bikini and surrounds himself with freaky yes-men and Muppet rejects. We'll probably get a detailed backstory from Disney.

35. The Emperor- "Return of the Jedi"(1983)
I promise not to suck off George Lucas too much more here, but we might as well get this old creep out of the way. Vader's boss made a memorable debut in '83. He spends most of his time sitting in his throne room, basking in his evilness. His fingertip Force lightning would have surely fried Luke if Anakin hadn't conveniently located his conscience.

34. Kyle Reese- "The Terminator"(1984)
John Connor's father may be a tough-as-nails soldier from the future, but he's a romantic at heart. Michael Biehn does expository dialogue in a speeding car better than anyone I've ever seen, and would quickly rejoin James Cameron for "Aliens". The overly-jacked Jai Courtney was a joke. That bum's pants always bothered me a bit, though.

33. Arthur Bach- "Arthur", "Arthur 2: On The Rocks"(1981, 1988)
Forget Russell Brandt. This tipsy millionaire belongs to the late Dudley Moore. The diminutive Brit was responsible for 1981's biggest comedy hit which nabbed multiple Academy Award nods. I still get together with Arthur for a drink every so often, whether it's through cable or my double-sided DVD and it's always a pleasurable reunion. Yes, I own a copy of "Arthur 2" and I doubt you're in any position to judge.

32. Deckard- "Blade Runner"(1982)
Is he a replicant? The mere fact that this question still lingers over thirty years later is enough to justify the presence of Harrison Ford's hard-boiled 2019 detective. He's dragged out of retirement to retire some renegade androids in Ridley Scott's rain-soaked dystopia and nobody does world-weariness and reluctant heroism better the world's most famous former carpenter. It's too bad Sean Young won't live...

31. Mick Dundee- "Crocodile Dundee", "Crocodile Dundee II"(1986, 1988)
One of the 1980s unlikeliest champions, Paul Hogan's rugged Outback hero adapted to that jungle called Manhattan rather quickly. Rambo wasn't the only one brandishing a huge knife and I'm not entirely sure who would win in a fight. Okay, Rambo would, but it wouldn't be a completely one-sided affair. Don't forget that Dundee took down a Columbian drug cartel in his second outing(hey, it was the '80s). We chose not to accompany him to Los Angeles in '01, but Mick will always be a top pick as far as this celluloid age is concerned.

30. Alex Forrest- "Fatal Attraction"(1987)
Glenn Close gave us the greatest flesh-and blood female character of the entire decade and should have a Best Actress Oscar to show for it(sorry, Cher). Speaking of blood, you can see even more of hers on the DVD's highly disturbing alternate ending that would have surely cost Paramount $100 million if it had reached theaters. The fate of that poor bunny was traumatic enough. Nearly thirty years later, cinema's preeminent stalker still won't be ignored.

29. Jessica Rabbit- "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"(1988)
The sexiest cartoon character ever? Few will argue that point. She's not bad, she's just drawn that way. You can thank Bob Zemeckis for taking a break from figuring out the space time continuum to oversee the illustration of this gorgeous creature. And Kathleen Turner(she's better heard than seen). Someone please explain to me how Roger pulled this off.

28. Jason Vorhees- "Friday the 13th" series(1980, 1981, 1982, 1984, 1985, 1986, 1988, 1989)
This indestructible, machete-wielding mass murderer has appeared in books, comics, video games and has been referenced and parodied in various entertainment mediums since he first started tearing through Crystal Lake. His hockey mask is a widely recognized symbol in pop culture. Jason is a film icon if there ever was one. His movies are terrible, though.

27. Freddy Krueger- "A Nightmare on Elm Street" series(1984, 1985, 1987, 1988, 1989)
Wes Craven's disfigured dream stalker may be the most entertaining member of the unholy trifecta of '80s horror villains(Michael Meyers brings up the rear). Armed with razor-sharp claws and bad puns, there's just no escaping him in or out of your dreams. Freddy got fan mail, his own TV show, magazine covers and even scored groupies according to Robert Englund. Not bad for a child killer with an ugly striped shirt and third degree burns.

26. Beetlejuice- "Beetlejuice"(1988)
Michael Keaton's ghost with the most is one of two reasons we never forgot about him during his long, 21st century pre-"Birdman" drought(the other will be discussed a little later). He so completely dominates every moment he appears in Tim Burton's cult comedy that we don't even realize that he isn't even in it that much. Let's get going with that sequel, boys in case there is no afterlife.

25. Mr. Miyagi- "The Karate Kid" trilogy(1984, 1986, 1989)
Man, I could have really used Pat Morita's sage handyman/martial arts master during MY tough teen years. He gives Daniel-san a yellow '47 Ford convertible and all the skills necessary to kick the crap out of borderline psychopathic tormenters on both sides of the globe. Who's down for a 1940s-set prequel that details what this pint-sized powerhouse was doing in Okinawa?

24. Clark Griswold- "National Lampoon's Vacation" series(1983, 1985, 1989)
Fletch is funny and all, but this square middle-class American Dad is the reason future generations will know the name Chevy Chase. That Cosby mess might make him the greatest fictional father of the 1980s. Clark just wants everything to go right. Nothing ever does. Who can't relate to that? We're going to see him as a grandpa later this year. It HAS to be better than that time he took us to Vegas, right?

23. Jack Torrance- "The Shining"(1980)
Jack Nicholson's most iconic role? A bold statement for sure, but it may be entirely true. An abusive alcoholic with very questionable writing skills, Torrance hated his wife and son before he ever got to that hotel. Just try changing the channel(or sleeping soundly) after watching poor Shelly Duvall get a lengthy lecture about the importance of moral and ethical principals after finding out what he's been typing. A meddlesome Scatman Crothers takes an axe in the midsection to cap off the most horrific night since those priests visited Linda Blair. Stephen King didn't like the movie. He couldn't be any more alone if he wintered at the Overlook.

22. Roger Murtaugh- "Lethal Weapon", "Lethal Weapon 2"(1987, 1989)
Shane Black wrote this LAPD vet as a weathered white guy in the original script until Richard Donner was blown away by the white-hot Gibson-Glover chemistry in an audition. It wouldn't be long before we were blown away, too. Riggs may have put that hollow-pointed bullet to bad use, if not for his sturdy, stable partner. Danny doesn't get enough credit for grounding the over-the-top action. He's getting it now. He's NOT too old for this shit.

21. Raymond Babbitt- "Rain Man"(1988)
Tom Cruise's card-counting older brother is the reason you have a mild understanding of autism, as well as the reason Dustin Hoffman scored a legacy-securing second Best Actor Oscar. He's counting 246 toothpicks in this picture after annoying his superstar bro over breakfast. Okay, so he isn't the best travel companion and is practically a walking ad for K-Mart and Judge Wapner, but he sure proved his worth in that casino. In the end, we can't really blame Tom for trying to keep him.

20. Hans Gruber- "Die Hard"(1988)
Alan Rickman should have a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for introducing a better class of criminal(he wasn't even nominated!) to a genre that would be forever better because of it. John McTiernan's beloved benchmark was only his second movie and Rickman's refined rogue was the perfect foil for ol' Bruce(we'll get to him). But don't let his intelligence or nice manners fool you. Just because he reads Time magazine and appreciates men's fashion doesn't mean he won't blow your brains out. I could list all the cerebral psychos that Hans inspired, but I'm sure you have other things to do. His brother's an asshole, too.

19. Doc Brown- "Back to the Future" trilogy(1985,1989,1990) Christopher Lloyd's mad scientist is a manic delight. Has ANY actor ever embraced a role more? I figure he spent a year in 2015-16 doing that hover conversion himself and getting his spleen and colon replacement done. Einstein(not the dog) wishes he was as resourceful as Emmett. Try imagining someone else meeting Marty in the parking lot of the Twin Pines mall. That may have seriously altered history.

18. Murphy/Robocop- "Robocop 1 and 2"(1987,1990)
Peter Weller will always have a place in the hearts of sci-fi action film buffs for his bionic crime-fighter, the second most celebrated cyborg of the 1980s(more on that later). That's all the more impressive considering the two shit sequels, terrible TV show and redundant remake that didn't do the character any favors. Yes, Murphy's legacy is firmly rooted in the Reagan era, yet we still regularly revisit Paul Verhoeven's violent futuristic fantasy. Dead or alive. The choice is yours.

17. Sarah Connor- "The Terminator"(1984)
Action extraordinaire James Cameron specializes in fierce female leads, and it all started with Linda Hamilton's iron-willed waitress/warrior/mother of the future. Sarah's muscled-up, gun-toting exploits in '91 are the real reason she ranks this high, but she found a strength she never knew she had during that wild weekend with Reese in 1984. He wasn't the only one in love with her.

16. Maverick/Pete Mitchell- "Top Gun"(1986)
A 24 year old Tom grinned his way through Tony Scott's hour and 50 minute Navy recruitment video and became a global phenomenon the likes of which is only seen every ten years or so. Long before he left his credibility on Oprah's couch and became the poster boy for Scientology and starred in numerous films of questionable quality("Knight and Day", anyone?), Tom Cruise was really f'n cool. Attention Paul Walker enthusiasts- this guy was a REAL movie star. Nobody seems to know what that means anymore. He bedded Kelly McGillis back when that was something to brag about, and fearlessly faced down a half-naked Val Kilmer. He popularized Aviator sunglasses, rides a motorcycle and plays volleyball shirtless just in case you needed any more reasons to hate him. Just kidding, Tom. We're still waiting on that sequel.

15. Gordon Gekko- "Wall Street"(1987)
Greed may not be good, but it sure felt right thanks to the oily charm of Michael Douglas in Oliver Stone's prophetic morality tale. Gekko quickly corrupted Charlie Sheen(not that that's hard to do)and an army of genuine white collar creeps as he rattled on about a million dollars being a day's pay. We might all be persuaded to part ways with our morals in the face of this grinning beast in suspenders with slicked-back hair. Jordan Belfort may have recently stolen the crown, but Gekko will always be the first wolf of Wall Street.

14. The Joker- "Batman"(1989)
Nicholson forever raised the bar for big screen villainy in Tim Burton's blockbuster game-changer. As a matter of fact, the three time Oscar winner bookended the '80s with TWO indelible portraits of over-the-top evil that might make him the GOAT. That $60 million salary was a small price to pay for such reliable lunacy. Jack's Joker killed his boss, his girlfriend, his best friend and at least fifty anonymous Gothamites. That we know of. I'm smiling just thinking about it. Eat your heart out, Heath.

13. Peter Venkman- "Ghostbusters", Ghostbusters II"(1984, 1989)
Where would Bill Murray be today if John Belushi had strapped on his proton pack instead as series co-creator Dan Aykroyd had originally envisioned? Would he have still gone into business for himself, leaving ALL of his peers in the dust? It's a valid question. The first "GB" was so damn popular, Bill went into hiding for a few years to safeguard his artistic integrity. He came out of exile for the inevitable sequel(and "Scrooged") to provide that lesser-loved '89 film with it's few highlights. Proceeding with a LONG-gestating third installment proved impossible without Venkman's delightful detachment, which means we have permission to blame Bill if things don't work out with Paul Feig's female foursome in 2016.

12. Axl Foley- "Beverly Hills Cop", "Beverly Hills Cop II"(1984, 1987)
I'm proud to say that I remember when Eddie Murphy was sitting on top of the world right next to Michael Jackson and that's why Kevin Hart can kiss my ass. Foley is a force of nature and the reason I forgive "Pluto Nash" and "Norbit" because he brought more fun(and more $$$) that just about anybody we've seen onscreen before or since. The first "Cop" was the highest-grossing R-rated movie for nearly twenty years. JUDGE REINHOLD became a household name for god's sake. What do you think it was like for Eddie?! No crooked Beverly Hills businessman or snooty desk clerk is safe when the pride of the Detroit Police Department rolls into town, and if Jerry Bruckheimer gets his way(he usually does), Foley will get a fourth outing in a year or two. He'd better have Harold Faltermeyer and Taggart in tow.

11. E.T.- "E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial"(1982)
The most benevolent outer space visitor in motion picture history raked in $399 million domestically IN 1982. Let that sink in for a moment. Hollywood knew no greater success until Jim Cameron made that boat movie. We don't know whether E.T. is old or young or male or female, but that's just the brilliance of Spielberg. This poor, misguided Harry Potter generation surely missed out because the bearded movie maestro packed more magic into two hours than that eight film franchise could manage in approximately twenty hours(jeez, HP, I have a LIFE I'd like to get back to!). I wonder what happened to Elliot after saying good-bye to his special friend as John Williams' magnificent score swelled in the background. As great as this movie is, I'm glad we never found out.

10. "Ferris Bueller- "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"(1986)
Alright, we're getting to the head of the class. The power and influence of John Hughes really can't be overstated. It's still being felt today, and Mathew Broderick's fourth wall-breaking titan of truancy still has yet to be matched in the annals of teen movies and television. Zack Morris? Total wannabe. Cher Horowitz? Nice try. Napoleon Dynamite? Please. Ferris is literally too cool for school. He turns Chicago into his own personal playground where no parade or fancy restaurant is off limits. He's seventeen and he's practically untouchable and every adult is lame and/or stupid and that's why a sequel wouldn't have worked. Ferris preached the importance of leisure and every word was the gospel truth. You can ignore it if you want, but life moves pretty fast...

9. Bruce Wayne/Batman- "Batman"(1989)
Christian Bales's Bat has got nothing on the original Dark Knight played by the incomparable Michael Keaton. He's arguably crazier and more dangerous than the colorful rogues gallery he faces on a nightly basis. Just ask Johnny Gobbs. As Bruce Wayne, he's a tad antisocial, but Kim Basinger didn't seem to mind. I'm guessing she attended several sleepovers at Wayne Manor which considerably increases his cool factor. Would Tobey Maguire and Robert Downey Jr. have EVER been asked to play superheroes if Keaton hadn't kicked open that door in '89? I don't think so. We're still not over the fact that he didn't get to suit up for a third time. Time to get that "Batman Beyond" petition going, people.

8. Yoda- "Empire Strikes Back", "Return of the Jedi"(1980, 1983)
The success or failure of the follow-up to the biggest movie of all time hinged on the public's willingness to accept a puppet as the mythical Jedi Grand Master. I'd say it worked out just fine. The CGI Yoda did a bunch a backflips and wielded a light-saber, but most of us prefer the sage, stationary swamp-dweller we first met in May 1980. He looks good for 800 and is said to have trained nearly every Jedi in the "SW" universe. Wow. His speech patterns are uniquely his own and Frank Oz deserves much acknowledgment for landing this green-skinned goliath in the good graces of the entire known galaxy.

7. John McClane- "Die Hard"(1988)
Here we go. Is he the coolest movie cop of all time?(don't answer that yet). Bruce Willis wasn't supposed to become an A-list movie star. It just happened when the overachieving New Jersey native threw on a filthy wife-beater in a role that Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Burt Reynolds and Richard Gere all turned down(thanks, guys). It's because of Bruce that McClane actually resembles a real person compared to all of his skull-crushing counterparts. He bleeds. He sweats. He swears. We gave him all the love that Holly wouldn't give in return, and an unfortunate 2013 trip to Moscow couldn't dull our devotion to this barefoot bad-ass. Now if I could only remember his catchphrase.

6. Martin Riggs- "Lethal Weapon", "Lethal Weapon 2"(1987, 1989)
Mad Mel blasted his way onto the upper echelon of leading men in his signature role, with all due respect to Max and a certain Oscar-winning Scottish freedom fighter. You just can't beat Riggs. I mean, two drug cartels, the Triad and virtually every lowlife scumbag in L.A. tried. Dirty Harry who? That was the reaction of stunned audiences after getting their first glimpse of this vicious Vietnam vet in '87. He beat McClane into the cinema by about 16 months, so it was a horse race between the two, but Riggs is an expert marksman and practiced jiu-jitsu long before the UFC existed. Then there's that mullet. And those eyes. Unimaginative WB execs will sign off on a remake sooner or later. Good luck to whoever gets a shot at the title 'cause they'll need it.

5. Marty McFly- "Back to the Future" trilogy(1985,1989,1990) The average '80s kid watched "BTTF" more times than Michael J. Fox's skateboarding teen hero was late for school or let out a shocked/exasperated look(which was A LOT). He beats all eight Goonies and every other youngster the Reagan era produced(Ferris never traveled through time). Admit it, you briefly considered wearing a red life jacket because Marty rocked one. He's probably the last guy to make double denim look cool. I've known plenty of guys that would have plowed Lea Thompson anyway. Not Marty. He tore up the stage at the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance and he's the reason you STILL want a hoverboard. Heck, when I was ten years old, I wanted to BE Marty McFly and well, I never really grew up.

4. The Terminator- "The Terminator"(1984)
Once upon a time, Arnie was an Austrian weightlifter with an uncertain future in movies and Jim Cameron was a heavily restricted rookie with a barely-there budget. One movie changed that. More specifically, one gun-toting, leather-clad killer cyborg from a hellish fictional future that looks human(or at least as human as Arnold Schwarzenegger looked in the early '80s). The T-800 would be prominently featured on ANY list of greatest characters, not just one dedicated to a single decade or movies themselves for that matter. That's just the way it is. He can't be bargained with or reasoned with and ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP EVER if Hollywood has it's way. Yeah, I hate to trot out his overused mantra, but Arnold is indeed back in 2015's "Terminator Genisys", and if I sat through "Salvation", he can count on me this summer.

3. John Rambo- "Rambo" trilogy(1982, 1985, 1988)
Sylvester Stallone's OTHER defining character needs no introduction anywhere in the civilized world. Heck, even parts of the world with no running water or electricity know who Rambo is, and he'd probably be more comfortable there. If Brian Dennehy had just let him get something to eat, none of this would've ever happened. Rambo stands for something and that's pure mindless fun of the loud, explosion-filled 1980s variety. If you haven't seen all his adventures, you're probably not a heterosexual male. Reagan namedropped him, not to imply some sort of Republican symbolism. He's practically a superhero by the time he arrives in Afghanistan and never needed CGI or a fake muscle suit to get the job done. Sure, Rambo's style became passé as we entered the '90s, but nothing lasts forever. He reminded us all how wussified we'd become on his 2008 trip to Burma and Sly is planning one more round. Bring on "Last Blood".

2. Tony Montana- "Scarface"(1983)
We've finally arrived at the first runner-up, although I doubt he'd be happy with settling for second place. It must have seemed impossible pre-1983 for Al Pacino to ever top his towering work as ice-cold crime boss Michael Corleone in those Coppola flicks. Enter Oliver Stone, Brian De Palma and a mountain of white powder and the rest is history. Pacino's fire-breathing, coke-snorting Cuban kingpin and his little friend left us with little memory of Paul Muni's exploits in 1932. He didn't come to Miami to wash dishes and don't bring up the Diaz brothers. A true antihero, there isn't much Montana could do to turn off appreciative viewers even after doing just that to nearly everyone around him. Tony's mug has been plastered on countless posters and t-shirts. The hip-hop community has turned him into some sort of dastardly deity, universally embracing his aggressive consumption of money and power, morals be damned. The world is still his.

1. Indiana Jones- "Raiders of the Lost Ark", "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom", "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"(1981, 1984, 1989)
There was never any question in my mind about who was taking the top spot. Captain Jack Sparrow can go to hell. I feel bad for anybody that doesn't count Ford in a fedora as one of their earliest childhood memories. This rugged, timeless symbol of movie masculinity firmly established Harrison as the premier leading man of the 1980s. The numbers don't lie. Cinema's two superpowers(Spielberg and Lucas, for any laymen out there) sure weren't fooling around when they got together to create a hero. They called on Han Solo himself. James Bond is really the only guy you could place higher and he happens to be Indy's dad. Whether it was booby-trapped caves, traitorous sidekicks, giant boulders, Nazis, snakes, large insects, a Thuggee cult, fire, rats, more Nazis, a nuclear blast, old age, or a Soviet army, there was simply nothing the durable Dr. Jones couldn't handle. "Crystal Skull" sucked, there's no way around it. But Elvis got fat, Babe Ruth bombed on the Braves, Muhammad Ali lost his last two fights, Gretzky didn't give much to the Rangers and Jordan shouldn't have went to the Wizards. You get the idea. Disney owns him now(as part of the "SW" acquisition), and a Ford-less fifth film is all but guaranteed. Someone will have to tell me how that goes.

R.I.P. Mike Nichols 1931-2014

  Renowned director Mike Nichols died of a heart attack on November 19th in his Manhattan apartment at age 83. If you're not familiar with his life's work, you should be, but at least you're reading this, which means that you're willing to learn. He's one of the most versatile filmmakers ever to grace the industry with the rare ability to alternate between comedy and drama. His movies were ABOUT people(what a novelty!) and their problems, and many of them championed women, that-all-too-often ignored demographic that only makes up half the Earth's population. The German-born renaissance man was among a small, select group of people to win an EGOT(Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony). An honorable mention goes out to his 2003 miniseries "Angels in America", but this blog will focus on the sizeable cinematic contributions of a man whose fifty-plus year commitment to the arts will be sorely missed.

"Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"(1966)
Nichols was perhaps the hottest director in the American theatre when he was given the chance to direct the film version of Edward Albee's celebrated Tony award-winning play, making him ideally suited to this claustrophobic story and it's verbal fireworks. Elizabeth Taylor may have been the most towering screen presence of the 1960s. For all the uneducated youngsters out there, the brunette bombshell succeeded Marilyn Monroe at the peak of a career that spanned five decades. A 33 year old Liz gained thirty pounds to play the frumpy, fifty-something year old Martha, and may have started the trend that would see some of the world's most desirable women trading their luscious looks for major critical acclaim. Her volatile relationship with real-life husband Richard Burton was deservedly selected for preservation by the Library of Congress in 2013.

   The film was nominated for a staggering thirteen Academy Awards on top of it's financial success, with Taylor winning her second Best Actress Oscar(the first was for 1960's "Butterfield 8"). The late Sandy Dennis also took home Best Supporting Actress. I know that many people are allergic to older films, but there's some seriously good acting/writing on display here.

"The Graduate"(1967)
Is there a more iconic image in late '60s cinema? The answer is a definite 'no'. Mike Nichols' built his legacy off the back of this landmark coming-of-age comedy about a hapless college grad named Benjamin Braddock. He's played by Dustin Hoffman, one of the finest actors to ever step on a film set, and we have Nichols to thank for the discovery of this immense talent. Ya see, guys that look like Hoffman were rarely given the spotlight in the era of prototypical headliners like Marlon Brando and Paul Newman. Actually, they NEVER were, so Nichols must be credited for opening the floodgates for a whole crop of unconventional leading men. The late Anne Bancroft(only six years older than Hoffman!) will always be best known as the seductive, unhappily married Mrs. Robinson.

   Simon & Garfunkel's soundtrack played no small part in this film's zeitgeist-shattering success. It's more than a movie, it's a cultural snapshot and Benjamin's melancholic malaise still resonates. That closing bus ride? Still one of the best endings of all time.

"Catch-22"(1970)
A 36 year old Alan Arkin leads a large, eclectic cast in this scattershot, episodic WWII-set comedy based on the Joseph Heller novel. There's a steady stream of mildly amusing gags in the first half until a tonal shift in the third act attempts to turn it into a more straightforward story of men at war. There's some fun to be had in pointing out the parade of big names from yesteryear that pop up in small roles- Martin Balsam, Jack Gilford, Art Garfunkel, Buck Henry, Bob Newhart, Martin Sheen, Jon Voight, Orson Welles, Bob Balaban, Norman Fell and Charles Grodin.

   "Catch-22" was overlooked at the time of it's release, which would be a recurring theme in Nichols' career. "MASH" and "Patton"  were both released the same year, receiving the majority of the critics' praise(the latter won Best Picture), but recent reappraisals of the film have been much more positive.

"Carnal Knowledge"(1971)
Nichols hooked up with another budding icon for this daring(at the time) examination of 20th century sexual politics. A brash Jack Nicholson seized the opportunity to stand at the forefront of Tinsel-town, unveiling the cavalier cocks-man persona that can be found in the DNA of nearly every characterization he's given us since his frank discussions about the opposite sex with timid best pal Art Garfunkel. Anne Margaret's Best Supporting Actress nomination as Nicholson's downtrodden girlfriend is proof that she was more than just a kittenish sex symbol, and proof that Nichols could bring out the best in any performer.

   Men and women's attitudes towards each other really don't change all that much throughout the course of history. That's why I feel that "Knowledge" has a chance of getting passed down to unborn viewers in 2071.

"The Day of the Dolphin"(1973)
As skilled as Nichols was in the director's chair, he wasn't infallible. Nobody is. Spielberg made "1941", and Mike Nichols made a 'serious' movie about talking dolphins to begin his inevitable cooling-off period. The late George C. Scott stars as a brilliant scientist that trains dolphins to communicate with humans. He's soon fending off shady government types that want to use his magnificent mammals to assassinate the President. A lighter touch may have made these proceedings more digestible. Instead this is a strangely somber, downbeat film livened occasionally by an Oscar-nominated musical score and some admittedly nice underwater footage.

   "Dolphin" swam into theaters ONE week before that seminal shocker known as "The Exorcist", and the ticket-buying masses predictably picked Satan as the safer entertainment option in December of 1973. However, George C. Scott and/or dolphin enthusiasts might like it.

"The Fortune"(1975)
Nichols produced back-to-back losers with "Dolphin" and this frantic farce that must have sounded much better on paper. Jack Nicholson and Warren Beatty are dimwitted 1920s con men who go to outrageous lengths to bilk a wealthy young heiress(Stockard Channing in her breakout role). With all due respect to these two legendary lotharios, they are NOT comedians and their desperate mugging is often painful to watch. I guess Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon were too busy. The scant 84 minute running time could only mean one thing- an embarrassed Nichols sat in the editing room and realized that the movie just doesn't work.

   "The Fortune" sure didn't make one in the summer of "Jaws", and will go down as a lowlight for everyone except Channing(Nicholson has never discussed it despite his loyalty to Nichols). The director found solace in theatre and television in the late '70s-early '80s, with his future in feature films in serious doubt.

"Silkwood"(1983)
Nichols returned to the movie biz after an eight year sabbatical, and it took a headline-grabbing, real-life tragedy and the best actress in the world(as she was fast becoming known) to get him back behind the lens. Meryl Streep more than did justice to the memory and legacy of Karen Silkwood, a chemical technician and labor union activist who died mysteriously in 1974 after raising concerns about the health and safety of workers in an Oklahoma nuclear facility. History tends to forget that Cher was once a rather prominent actress during this period. Her Oscar-nominated turn as Streep's sullen sister signaled a temporary career change for the pop icon, while Kurt Russell furthered his cred as her blue-collar boyfriend.

   "Silkwood" is easily one of the top ten films of 1983. MN painted an authentic portrait of working-class, small town drudgery to end a lengthy hiatus that put him back on the shortlist of Hollywood's most dependable directors.

"Heartburn"(1986)
Is it even possible to make a bad movie that stars the two most nominated actors in history? That being said, neither of this dynamic duo's combined 31 Academy Award nods came courtesy of this middle-aged meet-cute comedy/drama based on an early Nora Ephron screenplay. Jack and Meryl get married in the first act after a whirlwind courtship that begins at a mutual friend's wedding, and it isn't long before she's pregnant and he's renovating a Washington townhouse. But this union doesn't stay as sunny and upbeat as the opening scenes suggest. This film is based on Ephron's own stormy 1970s marriage to reporter Carl Bernstein of Watergate fame. Did she accept his lying and philandering for the sake of the kids and his enviable social status?

   Nicholson and Streep are always watchable, but this is a curiously flat and disappointing effort from a trio we'd come to expect much more from over the years. Audiences were in the tight grip of populist entertainment at the time(James Cameron's super sequel "Aliens" crushed it at the box office) and to make matters worse, the critics weren't even enthused(50% approval rating on RT). Only Carly Simon's soundtrack contribution "Coming Around Again" had any real staying power.

"Biloxi Blues"(1988)
Mathew Broderick squares off with Christopher Walken in this upbeat film version of the middle chapter in playwright extraordinaire Neil Simon's semi-autobiographical stage trilogy("Brighton Beach Memoirs" and "Broadway Bound" are the bookends if anyone cares). It's easy to see why Nichols was attracted to the buoyant Benjamin Braddock-like journey of 20 year old Eugene Morris Jerome, and Broderick has never been this appealing outside of Bueller as the journalistic Army recruit whisked away to a life-altering boot camp in 1945 Mississippi. Walken has a well-earned reputation for being uniquely intimidating and his humorously hard-assed drill sergeant certainly bolsters it.

   "Blues" doesn't break any new ground, but it won't leave you singing them either. It was a minor hit, well-received at the time, yet ignored today whenever 1980s cinema is discussed. There was simply too much giant franchise-friendly entertainment filling up the multiplex for more modest films to leave a lasting impression. However, you're about to meet one that did...

"Working Girl"(1988)
Remember when Melanie Griffith was supposed to be big deal? That idea didn't last long, but the baby-voiced blonde has Nichols to thank for her short stay on the A-list that began with this minor classic, the most successful of the women-in-the-workplace comedies produced during Reagan's run in the White House. Carly Simon and that chill-inducing opening shot of the Manhattan skyline sets the tone as Griffith's Staten Island secretary simultaneously unseats Sigourney Weaver's Wall Street witch and makes breathy banter with Harrison Ford's handsome hotshot. She starts up with the 1980s premier leading man after kicking Alec Baldwin's unfaithful ass to the curb. Melanie must wish it was still 1988 every single day.

   This film received six Academy Award nominations including Best Picture and Director. Unfortunately for Nichols and company, "Rain Man" also came out in '88 and Dustin Hoffman's lovable, card-counting idiot savant just wouldn't be denied the top prizes at the Shrine Auditorium that year(which MN was partially responsible for in an EXTREMELY roundabout way). Nevertheless, "Girl" is about to be released on Blu-ray rather coincidentally, and if you can get past Joan Cusack's hair, it remains a pleasing affair.

"Postcards from the Edge"(1990)
Meryl Streep headlines her third Mike Nichols production, atoning for "Heartburn" with her lightest and loosest performance circa 1990, a refreshing break from her usual Oscar baiting(that could be the reason she DID get nominated for the ninth time and deservedly so). Carrie Fisher will never be as famous for her writing as she is for her gold bikini and hulking hair buns, but she did do a lot of it, starting with the semi-autobiographical novel from which this film is based, chronicling the downward spiral of a drug-addled actress and the love/hate relationship with her showbiz veteran mother. Shirley MacLaine ably fills that role with an affectionate send-up of Debbie Reynolds. Most of the situations are played for laughs, as Nichols resists the urge to explore the darker implications of the material which could have left us with a heavy-handed drama. Those tend to go either way.

   "Postcards" is a polished showcase for the critically-lauded ladies pictured above, thanks to the deft writing/direction that makes it more than worthy of a revisit. Dennis Quaid, Gene Hackman and Richard Dreyfus appear briefly in supporting roles.

"Regarding Henry"(1991)
Harrison Ford reunited with Nichols for this would-be tearjerker about a NYC lawyer struggling to regain his memory and mobility after narrowly surviving a bullet to the head from John Leguizamo. No, he doesn't scour the streets, seeking revenge. He does, however, learn how to love(and read)all over again in cloying fashion. Ford was still in the process of proving that he could do more than just duke it out with Nazis and Stormtroopers, and he wanted an Oscar worse than Indy wanted that golden idol at the beginning of "Raiders". Sadly, it was not to be. The action icon seemingly gave up on that quest after this film's underwhelming critical and commercial reception and quickly went back to doing what he does best(running, jumping, fighting, falling) as Jack Ryan and Dr. Richard Kimble.

   This may sound like a really negative review, but "Henry" does have it's merits. As awards bait, it fails, but I'll bet your Mom loved it. Mine did. We can't completely disregard the opinions of all the Moms out there. The perennially underrated Annette Bening continued her quiet ascent as Ford's long-suffering wife, and here's a fun fact- future "Star Wars" director J.J. Abrams wrote the screenplay.

"Wolf"(1994)
There was a brief period where top tier directors were taking a stab at horror(think "Bram Stoker's Dracula" and "Interview with the Vampire"). You only need to take one look at today's offerings to see that those days are long over. Jack Nicholson, surpassing Streep as Nichols' most frequent collaborator, is effectively subdued as an aging Manhattan book editor whose life dramatically improves after a snowy drive through Vermont puts him on the receiving end of a werewolf bite. The ever-alluring Michelle Pfeiffer makes the most of her aloof love interest role, and James Spader can play a back-stabbing corporate creep in his sleep. The violent third act may resort to genre conventions, but this is an otherwise intelligent and sophisticated take on the vaunted werewolf mythology.

   "Wolf" had the misfortune of getting released the same day as O.J. Simpson's infamous white bronco ride, a television event that curtailed it's opening weekend. Then Tom Hanks' magnus opus "Forrest Gump" arrived, killing it's box office chances in July. But film is forever, and the hairy Will Randle found a permanent home in the cable TV afterlife.

"The Birdcage"(1996)
As we all know, the late, great Robin Williams left our mortal coil a mere three months before Nichols, so I get to kill two birds with one stone here. Williams' energy and comedic abilities were unquestionable, but he was wise enough to play the straight man(no pun intended) and allow Nathan Lane to take center-stage in this boisterous and witty remake of "La Cage aux Follies". Robin's restraint, aside from THAT trailer-friendly outburst, was a pleasant surprise during his '90s heyday and Lane's queen is indeed a scream. Gene Hackman(his obits can't be far off) and Dianne Wiest add a touch of class to the proceedings as the gay duo's ultra-conservative future in-laws.

   This film has fun with gay AND straight stereotypes, and it's $124 million domestic box office haul definitely furthered the mainstreaming of homosexuality in entertainment. That has to be considered a victory.

"Primary Colors"(1998)
John Travolta, still bathed in his post-"Pulp Fiction"/pre-"Battlefield Earth" glow, does his best Bill Clinton impersonation in this topical drama based loosely on the rise of the charismatic Southern Democratic who moved into the White House in 1993. The film came off as a backhanded tribute to our 42nd President in the wake of the burgeoning Lewinsky scandal, but it does contain some involving insights into backstage political life. Kathy Bates is the standout in a supporting cast that includes Emma Thompson, Billy Bob Thornton and Maura Tierney.

   Unfortunately for Nichols and company, "Titanic" was in the midst of it's monumental box office run in March of '98(damn that James Cameron!) and the voter turnout was soft for JT's would-be Commander and Chief(sound familiar?). But the public has a history of ignoring politically-themed projects anyway, so I can't say that things would have turned out much different otherwise.

"What Planet Are You From?"(2000)
Every noteworthy director has one or two black marks on their resume, and this broad supernatural sex comedy sticks out like a sore thumb in the Nichols oeuvre("Dolphin" and "The Fortune" were forgotten by all but hardcore movie buffs by this time). Garry Shandling, who also wrote the screenplay, stars as a socially awkward alien sent to Phoenix, Arizona to mate with an Earth woman. Annette Bening(God bless her) may be the sole saving grace in this silly set-up, while other talented players like Ben Kingsley, Greg Kinnear and John Goodman all look as if they realized halfway through that the movie was doomed.

   "Planet" produces a few cheap laughs and I didn't find it an altogether excruciating experience, but it bombed with a capital B only a few short months into the new millennium with a $14 million gross on a budget of $60 million.

"Closer"(2004)
Nichols rebounded by returning to his roots for this brutal relationship drama based on an award-winning play. He's clearly right at home in "Virginia Woolf?/Carnal Knowledge" territory of small scale drama that focuses entirely on a select group of characters. This is the kind of movie that few mainstream directors have the guts to make nowadays. God forbid an audience is made to feel uncomfortable. Jude Law was definitely the flavor of the month(six movies in 2004!) which put him in intimate contact with Julia Roberts and Natalie Portman. Clive Owen takes part in the emotional warfare, landing his breakout role as Jude's Brit rival for the affections of these two lovely Oscar winners.

   You might not be able to take your eyes off Portman who is better here than she is in any "Star Wars" prequel filmed around the same time(way to go, George Lucas). Her and Owen were both nominated in the Supporting categories, furthering Nichols' rep as the ultimate actor's director.

"Charlie Wilson's War"(2007)
Only a director of Nichols' caliber could get Tom Hanks in a hot tub with a bevy of topless beauties. 'The Nicest Guy In Hollywood' enjoys a bit of depravity as the randy Texas Congressman drawn to the plight of the Afghan people during their war with the Soviets in 1980. I doubt Julia Roberts needed much convincing to play the Texas socialite who supports his newfound nobility. It takes quite a performer to steal the screen away from two megastars, but that's exactly what the recently departed Philip Seymour Hoffman does in his Oscar-nominated role as a nervy American spy whose had people trying to kill him for 24 years. People that know how(how much do we miss this guy?). From Hoffman to Hoffman, Mike Nichols employed some of the best actors in the world for nearly half a century.

   How many filmmakers can boast of a forty-year career behind the camera? Charlie Wilson was overshadowed by Anton Chigurh and Daniel Plainview during the '07 awards season, but this was a fitting farewell that deserves another look. I know I've said that more than once on here. R.I.P. Mike.

Comedy Sequels Are No Laughing Matter

   Just when you thought Harry and Lloyd couldn't possibly be any dumber, they go and make "Dumb & Dumber To". Nostalgic feelings for a time when Jim Carrey was actually funny resulted in a $38 million opening weekend despite a 25% approval rating on RT. I'm afraid the Farrelly bros. formula has been abused far too often in the twenty years since this crude duo were first unleashed on a rather genteel comedy landscape WAY back in 1994. The original was lightning in a bottle. If it had been released any other year with any other pair, it fails and fails miserably. But audiences were ready for lowbrow toilet humor. They sure got it.

   Let's be honest, comedy sequels rarely work. There's a reason we never saw Ferris Bueller or Cher Horowitz in college. The sight of Dustin Hoffman or Robin Williams dressed in drag wouldn't have been nearly as much fun a second time. I started feeling sick after my third slice of "American Pie", and seven "Police Academy" movies was the equivalent of police brutality. I'm not trying to trash every comedy sequel. Most of us are glad we met Mini-Me and Goldmember(well, maybe not Goldmember). We had a nice time with Kevin McCallister in NY and a great Christmas with the Griswalds. But then there's the little matter of the Wolfpack turning into those party guests that stay long after everyone else has left, eventually falling asleep on your couch at 4 am. Nobody wants to deal with that, and nobody needed to see Bradley Cooper and company in Bangkok.

   This blog will take a look at several one-off attempts at comedy franchising and the decidedly mixed results. Just to make one thing clear, a franchise consists of three or more films. Anything less is just a sequel to a successful film.

"Horrible Bosses 2"(2014)
Wow, I didn't have to look far for another example. Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis and Charlie Day were an unlikely hit in 2011, delivering broad laughs as they plotted to kill their boss caricatures. They were REALLY lucky they got away with it the first time.

   This needless sequel contains more cheap laughs and wildly implausible situations, and your appreciation level for the varied talents of the trio pictured above is the real determining factor. For me, a little Charlie Day goes a long way. Jennifer Aniston is back because she's Jennifer Aniston, and I guess the idea of her playing a man-eating, sex-crazed slut is supposed to be funny in itself. I'm sure Kevin Spacey and Jamie Foxx were paid handsomely to reappear, while a villainous Christoph Waltz joins the list of slumming Oscar winners. It isn't horrible, but don't mistake that for an endorsement. You have to pick your battles in life, and we were all too busy renouncing Harry and Lloyd to notice these three bozos breaking in the back door.

"Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde"(2003)
The 2001 original was a pleasant surprise that launched Reese Witherspoon. I wasn't expecting to fall for her cheery ditz Elle Woods as she improbably made her way through Harvard Law, but that's exactly what happened. It was "Clueless" meets "My Cousin Vinny", and proof that you should never judge a book by it's cover. But I decided to break things off on the Fourth of July weekend in 2003 when she showed up on Capitol Hill to save her pet Chihuahua's birth mother. Reese pocketed a paycheck equal to the first film's entire budget, and Sally Field and Bob Newhart presumably signed on without seeing a script(or at least, I hope). Even Luke Wilson looks slightly embarrassed. Memo to everyone involved- when your movie's plot is this insultingly stupid, YOU DON"T HAVE A MOVIE.

   Witherspoon wisely put away her pink ensemble and bounced back with a Best Actress Oscar win for 2005's "Walk The Line". She'll get nominated again this year for "Wild". Let's hope she never does anything this wild ever again.

"Nutty Professor II: The Klumps"(2000)
Has any comedian ever squandered more of the public's trust than Eddie Murphy? With all due respect to the latex-wearing wunderkind, the answer is no, I'm afraid. Eddie was flirting with irrelevance("Vampire In Brooklyn", anyone?) going into his ribald 1996 remake of the 1963 Jerry Lewis classic that scored a career-saving sum of $128 million domestically in the summer of "Independence Day". However, Murphy has apparently never heard the word 'overkill' nor does he believe in having too much of a good thing(more on that later) because he donned the fat suit again four years later as the brilliant but obese Sherman Klump and all the members of his cheerfully vulgar family. The first film's message about being happy with yourself is replaced by a series of lame, gross-out gags more obnoxious and off-putting than Buddy Love himself. I knew I had no interest in a "Nutty III" the moment I saw Larry Miller violated by a giant hamster. Nobody stepped in to inform the future "Norbit" star that none of this was particularly funny. Murphy was indeed headed down a dark path.

   "Nutty II" made money, but after a hefty $42 million opening weekend, malnourished viewers weren't sitting down for any more meals with the Klump clan. Janet Jackson added almost nothing to the pitiful proceedings(where was Jada?) besides her inescapable, deceptively sweet soundtrack contribution "Doesn't Really Matter".

"Blues Brothers 2000"(1998)
Oh, lord. Where do I begin? How about the title and the fact that the movie was released in 1998. The untimely death of original star John Belushi sixteen years earlier should have been an insurmountable roadblock. Did I mention that the first film came out in 1980? That's the year I was born. Sure, it was successful, but was there any human being on the planet wanting for a sequel the year I graduated high school?! Not according to the pathetic box office tally. Most of the films on this list are comedy gold compared to this calamity.

   Dan Aykroyd and director John Landis went back to the well in a desperate attempt to resuscitate their dying careers, while the normally reliable John Goodman was certainly blackmailed into accepting this gig on his way to the set of "The Big Lebowski". Unfortunately, whenever Aykroyd really has his heart set on an idea, it's usually a bad one.

"Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls"(1995)
Jim Carrey is revealed to be a repeat offender as we turn back the clock. This Canadian cut-up was the hottest comedic performer of the Clinton era, and it's all because the first "Ace" dropped the same year as "D&D"("The Mask" made it a hat trick). Appreciative young moviegoers were literally willing to accept ANYTHING Jim Carrey did by 1995 and he took full advantage of that.

   His inauguration as the wacky pet detective was a make-or-break-type scenario, and he's clearly reveling in that film's shocking success a year later as the ensuing anarchy made Adam Sandler's big screen career possible. The Africa-set "Ace 2" also cleaned up at the holiday box office, but Carrey must have felt some guilt afterwards. It wasn't long before he started making movies like "The Truman Show", "Man on the Moon" and "The Majestic" in a futile effort to transition into a Tom Hanks-style leading man. The existence of "Dumb & Dumber To" indicates that his crisis of conscience is over and Brentwood property taxes must be pretty high. So go ahead and make Ace Ventura 3, Jim. I dare you.

"City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold"(1994)
Billy Crystal peaked as cinema's unlikeliest cowboy in the immensely enjoyable and resonant 1991 comedy hit that filled more theater seats than his iconic courtship of Meg Ryan two years earlier. Everyone's favorite Academy Awards host was really rolling back then, and he got to watch co-star Jack Palance pick up the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his memorable role as grizzled trail-boss Curly. Comedy is typically treated as inferior to drama, which makes any sort of recognition on Hollywood's biggest night a rare and special occurrence. Lightning wouldn't strike twice, however.

   Grown-ups loved the original's sharp exploration into various forms of mid-life crisis. This far less sophisticated sequel seems to be aimed at teenagers with it's contrived treasure map plot and the shameless reappearance of Palance as Curly's identical twin brother Duke. The late Bruno Kirby's absence is never explained(he hated the script), completely ignoring the firm friendship that was established the first time around. Jon Lovitz wasn't a bad substitute, though as Crystal's boorish brother and Daniel Stern gamely reprises his role as lovable loser Phil. I must admit that their antics push the film into guilty pleasure territory and caused me to stop my channel-surfing more than once. But that doesn't change the fact that Billy's stock(and the box office totals) both took a noticeable drop.

"Wayne's World 2"(1993)
I can't blame Wayne and Garth for wanting to put on a rock concert. When Mike Myers and Dana Carvey first brought their head-banging alter egos to the big screen in '92, the results were a surprise box office smash that reconfirmed the relevance of SNL. It's impossible not to think of this duo whenever Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" comes blaring on the radio. Trust me, this flick was popular and the public didn't have to wait long for an encore.

   Christopher Walken replaces Rob Lowe as Wayne's buttoned-up adversary in this fast-tracked follow-up, and a host of cameos indicates that just about everyone wanted to join the party. Unfortunately, "WW2" sold significantly fewer tickets during the holidays in '93, temporarily making Myers wary of the sequel business(Shrek and Austin Powers would later cure any such fears). Some of the gags work, some don't, but any movie that boasts appearances by Heather Locklear AND Kim Basinger can't be all bad.

"Three Men and a Little Lady"(1990)
Here's a quick history lesson- Tom Selleck, Ted Danson and Steve Guttenberg were all household names when they shared parental duties(and a ludicrously spacious Manhattan apartment) in their hugely successful family comedy "Three Men and a Baby". You couldn't avoid Magnum, Malone and Mahoney as they struggled to change diapers, buy the right baby food and sing lullabies in 1987 if you tried, and why on earth would you want to? It was the highest grossing film of the year, believe it or not, and director Leonard Nimoy(Spock!) even threw in a superfluous drug dealer subplot for good measure. A sequel, as they say, was inevitable.

   That long-standing urban legend about a ghost boy haunting the "Baby" set was much more entertaining than anything that happened once Mary became a 'little lady'(that infamous "ghost" sighting at the window was a cardboard cut-out of Danson in case anybody is STILL wondering). Our heroes head to England to stop her mother(Nancy Travis) from marrying the wrong guy in this extended sitcom that the public had a much easier time avoiding as the '90s got underway. There's been some recent talk of a third film titled "Three Men and a Bride". Some may scoff at that notion, but we live in a world with seven "Fast & Furious" movies(so far). Go for it, guys.

"Another 48 Hrs."(1990)
Eddie Murphy is no stranger to sequels. They say he's made more than anyone in the modern era. Even if that's hyperbole, the upcoming "Beverly Hills Cop IV" will nudge him closer to that dubious distinction. Considering how hot the brash SNL alum was in the '80s, it's safe to say that we would have lapped up a second helping of Akeem and Billy Ray Valentine, too if Murphy had felt like giving it to us.

   His first pairing with Nick Nolte was a December hit in 1982 that got the ball rolling on Eddie's world domination. It was as impressive a film debut as you'll ever see, and producing a sequel was as simple as sending Axel F back to Beverly Hills, which brings me to an interesting point. The action genre is definitely the most sequel-friendly and this film really belongs more in that category. Critics usually don't take kindly to continuations that don't really have to work for it, and were quick to throw out the 'lazy rehash' tag when faced with a new set of villains and not much else. That's where "Another 48 Hrs." does deliver, though. I don't need to watch "Sons of Anarchy" to see scary, gun-toting bikers because "Cherry" Ganz and co. are right here. Not to mention an absurd amount of broken glass. Director Walter Hill must have been going for the world record. Seriously, somebody needs to start the "Another 48 Hrs."/broken glass drinking game. I can't believe that doesn't exist yet.

   Nolte and Murphy are no Gibson and Glover, but they're a better tag team than Chan and Tucker and Smith and Lawrence in my opinion. Whenever I come across the crusty Jack Cates and the irascible Reggie Hammond rollicking through San Fran in that piece-of-shit, sky-blue Cadillac on late night cable, I'm usually down for their impromptu fistfights and politically incorrect insults.

"Caddyshack II"(1988)
I may have spoken too soon when I handed "Blues Brothers 2000" the label of 'biggest travesty' on this list. It's like comparing a punch in the face to a kick in the nuts. In a perfect world, you never have to experience either one. But we both know that this is far from a perfect world. There's never been a kind word spoken about "Caddyshack II". As a matter of fact, it's considered so unholy and evil that it's barely been spoken of AT ALL in the last 25-plus years.

   You'd be hard-pressed to find a more iconic comedy than the late, great Harold Ramis' directorial debut, also released in 1980, coincidentally. Bill Murray proved his cinematic worth in his largely improvised role of Karl the groundskeeper and Rodney Dangerfield lobbed several of his trademark zingers. Who doesn't grin at the sight of that animatronic gopher dancing to 1980s soundtrack king Kenny Loggins? Chevy Chase was the only original cast member willing to sell his soul and a significant chunk of his respectability to this lazy, laugh-free enterprise eight years later(1989's "Fletch Lives" didn't do his comic legacy any favors, either btw). Dan Aykroyd does some early reputation-ruining of his own in a cringe-inducing attempt to fill the void left by his old pal Murray. Speaking of voids, are there any Jackie Mason fans out there? I didn't think so.

"Arthur 2: On the Rocks"(1988)
If you're under the age of 30, this is Dudley Moore and Liza Minnelli. If you were alive and aware of things when Ronald Reagan was President, you should know that this pint-sized Brit and Judy Garland's daughter got together in 1981 and delivered a crowd-pleasing smash that received four Oscar nominations, for which it won two(Best Supporting Actor John Gielgud and Best Original Song). Warner Bros. understandably thought that audiences would show up for a few more drinks with the tipsy title character, but like most drunks, his charm wears off after a while. Seven years to be exact.

   For the record, July 1988 is the third worst month in sequel history, behind July 1987("Superman IV", "Jaws: The Revenge") and June 1997("Batman & Robin", "Speed 2: Cruise Control"). You see, "Arthur 2" and "Caddyshack II" were both released in a two week span. Yikes. Fortunately, John McClane came to our rescue that summer and took out poor Arthur faster than that blonde terrorist with feet smaller than his sister. The reviews were savage and Moore's leading man days were officially numbered. However, I feel the need to point out that a recent cycle on STARZ/Encore revealed that this film isn't AS bad as it's reputation suggests. Yes, it's tired and unnecessary, but hardly excruciating. The characters are still likable enough and Arthur's hallucinatory visit from his late butler Hobson was(dare I say) touching. But that all-too brief exchange couldn't make up for an otherwise drab and lifeless affair. I should probably wrap this up now. I don't want to give Russell Brandt any ideas.