I made a few simple rules before I compiled this list- a) all characters had to have originated in the '80s(sorry, Ripley) or at least the version in question, b) no characters totally based on real people(sorry, Jake LaMotta) and c) only two characters per actor(it's only fair). Gordon Gekko taught me that time is money, so let's get down to business. Here's my list of the 80 greatest characters of the '80s.
80(tie). Bobo Fett- "Empire Strikes Back", "Return of the Jedi"(1980, 1983)
I felt an obligation to include this wildly popular intergalactic bounty hunter, even though his screen time is VERY limited in George Lucas' space opera. That hardly mattered to franchise fanatics. Here's hoping Disney gives him more to do.
80(tie). Mahoney- "Police Academy 1-4"(1984, 1985, 1986, 1987)
Steve Guttenberg's smart-ass cop caused a lot of laughter in this LONG-running collection of comedies. Well, maybe not a lot. Maybe not even laughter. More like a weak smile or two. Either way, the Gutt was an '80s superstar.
79. Johnny Five- "Short Circuit", Short Circuit II"(1986, 1988)
Screw you, Chappie. There's only so much room for lovable robots in film and we've already made way for WALL-E . Johnny Five is alive, but could only thrive for two years before ending up in the vast scrap heap of our collective consciousness. Still, this precocious piece of military hardware had his moments.
78. Pinhead- "Hellraiser", Hellraiser II: Hellbound"(1987, 1988)
He looks cool. That's all.
77. Inigo Montoya- "The Princess Bride"(1987)
His name is Mandy Patinkin, and even our great grandkids will know what the six-fingered man did to this Spaniard swordsman's father.
76. Clubber Lang- "Rocky III"(1982)
Before there was Mike Tyson, there was this Chicago-bred bad-ass. Clubber is the definition of ornery. If one of those sledgehammer-like haymakers don't get to you, his cruel schoolyard taunts will. He doesn't seem to like or respect anyone as far as I can tell. Lang is the polar opposite of the amiable Italian Stallion and Mr. T owes his entire, ahem acting career to him.
75. Sgt. Hartman- "Full Metal Jacket"(1987)
The first forty-five minutes of Stanley Kubrick's blistering take on Vietnam is the stuff of legend and it doesn't contain one second of combat. That's because R Lee Ermey's dastardly drill instructor is scarier than flying bullets. His in-your-face insults make chaotic gunfire look like a pleasant experience. I know I wasn't the only one pulling for Pvt. Pyle.
74. Connor MacLeod- "Highlander"(1986)
Chris Lambert's immortal Scotsman often goes overlooked when the heroes of his genre are discussed(it could be that "Quickening" crap). Come to think of it, he's lucky to be on here at all. Connor has been battling The Kurgan for centuries in various forms of media since he first swung his sword in this high-concept climate. There should have been only one.
73. Johnny Castle- "Dirty Dancing"(1987)
He's wild. He showed Jennifer Grey's 'Baby' Houseman the time of her life. And nobody puts her in the corner. Find me an 80's female that didn't fall for Patrick Swayze's sweaty dance instructor. It's like looking for an early 21st Century tween uninterested in "Twilight".
72. Roy Batty- "Blade Runner"(1982)
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time...like tears in rain...Time to die".
71. Duckie- "Pretty In Pink"(1986)
John Cryer can credit his scene-stealing turn as Molly Ringwald's reluctant best friend for much of his showbiz staying power. The lovelorn, outrageously attired Duckie was stuck in the friend zone before that was even an official term, but Cryer had the last laugh with a ten-year run on "Two and a Half Men". Have you seen Andrew McCarthy lately?
70. Pee Wee Herman- "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", "Big Top Pee Wee"(1985, 1988)
Paul Reubens has Tim Burton to thank for giving his wacky man-child such an auspicious debut as he searched the USA for his beloved bike(his circus stint isn't remembered quite as fondly). Pee Wee was a permanent fixture throughout the '80s, but the party ended(or began?) in that Florida porn theater. Maybe it was for the best.
69. Karl- "Caddyshack"(1980)
Bill Murray is basically a national treasure at this point, but I'm here to talk about his humble beginnings. The recent SNL grad's dimwitted groundskeeper makes a strong case for a big screen career by stealing Harold Ramis' much-loved golf comedy with a only a handful of scenes and an animatronic gopher. You can have all those Wes Anderson flicks, I'll take that Baby Ruth bar any day.
68. Michael Dorsey/Dorothy Michaels- "Tootsie"(1982)
Dustin Hoffman delivered the most memorable drag act since "Some Like It Hot" in Sydney Pollack's critically lauded crowd-pleaser. There's nothing hot about Dorothy, but that doesn't stop her from becoming a soap opera sensation. Michael became a better man when he was a woman if you can understand that. Jessica Lange did. No Dorsey, no Doubtfire, it's as simple as that.
Dan Aykroyd's career elicits mixed emotions("Dragnet", anyone?), but his preoccupation with the paranormal resulted in a bona-fide pop culture phenomenon. You're familiar with 'Ghostbusters" even if you didn't grow up with it, and he's the heart of the whole enterprise. Danny got a b-j from a ghost, and we would have gotten "III" in the early '90s if it were up to him. It's finally becoming a reality thanks to his tireless dedication to the brand he co-created(R.I.P. Harold Ramis). Go get her, Ray.
66. Ash- "The Evil Dead", "Evil Dead II"(1981, 1987)
A cult hero if there ever was one, Bruce Campbell built up a noticeable following, battling zombies in a remote cabin and parodying all of his conventional counterparts in Sam Raimi's micro-budgeted horror franchise. That's groovy.
65. CD Bales- "Roxanne"(1987)
Steve Martin's small town fire chief has a big nose and a poetic soul and is frankly, too good for Daryl Hannah's shallow astronomer. He's heard every big nose joke in the book and makes short work of any idiot that tries to think of a new one. CD remains Martin's most endearing role.
64. Cousin Eddie- "National Lampoon's Vacation/Christmas Vacation"(1983, 1989)
Randy Quaid may have been Oscar nominated in the '70s, but he'll always be Chevy Chase's flaky rural relative. His scene-stealing Eddie is unemployed and taught his daughter how to French kiss. The '89 holiday season really sealed the deal, though. "The shitter was full" is going on this guy's tombstone.
63. Sophie Zawistowski- "Sophie's Choice"(1982)
This Polish immigrant and concentration camp survivor was forced to choose which one of her kids would live(sorry, nothing funny here). When people refer to Meryl Streep as the greatest actress who ever lived, this is what they're talking about.
62. Frances Galvin- "The Verdict"(1982)
Paul Newman's alcoholic ambulance-chaser deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as Luke, Butch Cassidy and "Fast" Eddie Felson whenever his legendary career is discussed. Frances is looking for redemption in Sidney Lumet's courtroom drama. Newman never needed it. Do yourself a favor and give Galvin another look.
61. Rupert Pupkin- "The King of Comedy"(1983)
This delusional, talentless, fame-obsessed wannabe is just as frightening as Travis Bickle and Max Cady in some circles. Bobby D's total commitment to a character that should be committed is Marty's most under-sung effort with his(once) favorite leading man.
60. The Marquis de Merteuil- "Dangerous Liasons"(1988)
She's a virtuoso of deceit. Glenn Close governed over the least boring costume drama in film history with steely perfection. The Marquis has ice water running through her veins and matches Malkovich's maliciousness every step of the way. That's no small feat. No woman has ever wiped off make-up more memorably.
59. Sally Albright- "When Harry Met Sally..."(1989)
Meg Ryan became the romantic comedy queen opposite Billy Crystal in Rob Reiner's crowning achievement. She maintained her box office viability playing slight variations of WASP princess Sally for several years after. I think we'd all like to have lunch with her.
58. Ralphie- "A Christmas Story"(1983)
This bespectacled blonde BB gun-obsessed brat became a permanent holiday fixture and I'm still not sure how it happened(I'm more of a Kevin McCallister man myself). I won't deny him a spot on this list, though.
57. Jimmy Malone- "The Untouchables"(1987)
Nobody ever graduated to the role of elder statesman with more grace than original 007 Sean Connery. He taught Kevin Costner how to do it the Chicago Way in Brian DePalma's Prohibition era hit, while nabbing the Supporting Actor Oscar and extending his career by at least a decade in the process.
56. John Bender- "The Breakfast Club"(1985)
John Hughes' coolest creation not named Ferris Bueller, Judd Nelson's juvenile delinquent will leave you wondering why he didn't do more. He surely got with teen queen Molly Ringwald soon after that fateful day-long detention, and when Bender triumphantly pounds his fist up in the air at the conclusion, we're throwing ours up right along with him.
55. Col. Trautman- "Rambo" trilogy(1982, 1985, 1988)
"You don't seem to want to accept the fact that you're dealing with an expert in guerilla warfare, a man who's the best with guns, with knives, with his bare hands. A man trained to ignore pain, to ignore weather, to live off the land, and to eat things that would make a billy goat puke. In Vietnam his job was to dispose of enemy personnel. To kill! Period! Win by attrition. Well, Rambo was the best". Kirk Douglas couldn't have delivered those lines any better. The late Richard Crenna was cinema's ultimate hype man.
54. Gizmo- "Gremlins"(1984)
He may be a poor man's E.T., but this cute fur-ball had his moments. They mostly involved wreaking havoc all over sleepy suburbia. You're not supposed to get him wet or feed him after midnight. I think we're all glad Zach Galligan didn't listen. Something tells me we'll be seeing Joe Dante's crazy critter(s) again.
53. "Josh Baskin- "Big"(1988)
Tom Hanks laid the groundwork for his epic '90s run with his flawless portrayal of a twelve year old trapped in a man's body. He loses a few points for foolishly giving up a sick apartment, a dream job and true love to dick around with best bud Billy for a few more years.
52. Ivan Drago- "Rocky IV"(1985)
Sylvester Stallone may be psychic. He accurately predicted the total dominance of Russians in heavyweight boxing twenty years before it actually took place when he delivered Balboa's most fearsome foe. Dialogue was never really Dolph's thing, so it worked out nicely for everyone(except for Apollo, of course). Long live the Siberian Bull.
51. Chris Chambers- "Stand By Me"(1986)
The last two decades in film might look very different if River Phoenix had lived(would Leo DiCaprio had enjoyed the same earth-shattering success?). We'll never know, but Joaquin Phoenix's older brother made his most lasting impression as the reflective ringleader of Rob Reiner's coming-of-age tale.
50. George McFly- "Back to the Future"(1985)
Crispin Glover would like you to know that he wasn't hanging upside down in old-man make-up during the 2105 portion of "Part II". I would like him to know that Bob Zemeckis' masterpiece is the ONLY reason anyone knows his name.
49. Uncle Buck- "Uncle Buck"(1989)
He never went to college. He doesn't even have a job. John Hughes unleashed John Candy's professional ne'er do well on sleepy suburbia and gave the beloved big guy his greatest screen role. Buck just BARELY beats Del Griffith for this slot because well, it's harder to laugh at a homeless widower.
48. Aurora Greenway- "Terms of Endearment"(1983)
This uptight Houston matriarch nabbed Shirley MacLaine the Best Actress Oscar that she probably should have won in 1960 for "The Apartment". Her fondness for this role led to a needless 1996 sequel("The Evening Star"). Family members and would-be suitors rarely live up to Aurora's lofty standards. She's a lifelong pain in Debra Winger's ass. At least Jack killed that bug up hers.
47. Frank Drebin- "The Naked Gun"(1988)
Leslie Nielsen made deadpan comedy an art form as the outrageously oblivious, wildly inept centerpiece of this improbable franchise-starter from the "Airplane!" team of Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker. We love Lt. Drebin, even though he hangs out with OJ, because he DID pull in Priscilla. He's an awesome umpire, too.
46. Chucky- "Child's Play"(1988)
This demonic doll definitely joined that rather dubious list of slasher icons after a quarter century of witty one-liners and creative kills. The guilty pleasure began when he started terrorizing young owner Andy, and as long as there's an audience for cheap and cheesy horror(like recent pretender "Annabelle"), Chucky can always count on a revival.
45. The Predator- "Predator"(1987)
Legend has it that James Cameron made some suggestions to Stan Winston about the presentation of this alien beast. He's one ugly you-know-what with those mandibles and dreadlocks. Fortunately, he's only visible when he's giving Arnie a shit kicking in the third act.
44. Spicoli- "Fast Times At Ridgemont High"(1982)
Sean Penn is about as serious as it gets and has two Oscars to show for it. That's why it's endlessly amusing to see where it all began for the future star of "Milk" and "Mystic River" in Amy Heckerling's seminal teen comedy. There are a million Spicolis out there. You might even be one. "Fast Times" captured a time when stoners were fresh and funny.
43. Irwin Fletcher- "Fletch", "Fletch Lives"(1985, 1989)
Chevy Chase has called Irwin Fletcher his favorite role and the best representation of his real life personality, but don't hold that against him. If this wisecracking investigative reporter is your favorite offering of his, I commend you on your choice. The movie gods have thus far disallowed a much-discussed third film to materialize with a new star. Some things should just be left alone, and I'm definitely not alone in not wanting to see another actor identify himself as Ted Nugent or Dr. Rosenpenis.
42. Frank Booth- "Blue Velvet"(1986)
David Lynch and Dennis Hopper are an eternally eerie combination. Typecasting was simply unavoidable for the "Easy Rider" star after sucking nitrous oxide and dry-humping Isabella Rossellini. In other words, he ended up playing a lot of lunatics. I heard he was a method actor.
41. Zod- "Superman II"(1981)
I may be cheating a bit here, but we only got a brief glimpse of this Kryptonian super-villain in '78. Terence Stamp can now rest assured that "Man Of Steel" and Michael Shannon didn't replace him in the public consciousness. He took over Earth in about three days and acted incredibly pompous while doing so. We still kneel before his Zod.
40. Snake Plissken- "Escape From New York"(1981)
Kurt Russell and John Carpenter may have been a poor man's Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg, but Plissken is still a memorable bad-ass who doesn't give a fuck about the President. Someone please tell me why Snake didn't get a timely sequel/franchise in an era when nearly EVERY popular hero got one. I'm waiting. Kurt could've cracked the top 20 in an alternate reality.
39. Susie Diamond- "The Fabulous Baker Boys"(1989)
Her immortal take on Catwoman/Selina Kyle may have a legion of fawning fan-boys(myself included), but this slinky songbird is generally considered the peak of Michelle Pfeiffer's ethereal hotness and that's REALLY SAYING SOMETHING. Jeff Bridges' hard-hearted piano man never stood a chance.
38. Jack Walsh- "Midnight Run"(1988)
I've long maintained that this gruff bounty hunter is one of De Niro's finest characterizations outside of a Scorsese film. Watch his cross country trek with Charles Grodin again and tell me I'm wrong. Sure, he's a heavy smoker with a very limited wardrobe, but Bob gave Walsh depth that wasn't on the page.
37. Biff Tannen- "Back to the Future", Back to the Future Part II"(1985, 1989)
Ah, Biff. Tom Wilson never got the credit he deserved for the malevolent fun he brought to Hill Valley's worst resident(he should've gotten a Supporting Actor nom in '89). Whether he's a cane-wielding codger or a crazed cross between Donald Trump and Elvis Presley, Biff is never NOT an asshole. Don't ask him about that manure truck.
36. Jabba the Hut- "Return of the Jedi"(1983)
This disgusting blob put Solo on the run and apparently rules Tatooine. He put Leia in that gold bikini and surrounds himself with freaky yes-men and Muppet rejects. We'll probably get a detailed backstory from Disney.
35. The Emperor- "Return of the Jedi"(1983)
I promise not to suck off George Lucas too much more here, but we might as well get this old creep out of the way. Vader's boss made a memorable debut in '83. He spends most of his time sitting in his throne room, basking in his evilness. His fingertip Force lightning would have surely fried Luke if Anakin hadn't conveniently located his conscience.
34. Kyle Reese- "The Terminator"(1984)
John Connor's father may be a tough-as-nails soldier from the future, but he's a romantic at heart. Jai Courtney really has his work cut out for him, because Michael Biehn does expository dialogue in a speeding car better than anyone I've ever seen. That bum's pants always bothered me a little bit, though.
33. Arthur Bach- "Arthur", "Arthur 2: On The Rocks"(1981, 1988)
Forget Russell Brandt. This tipsy millionaire belongs to the late Dudley Moore. The diminutive Brit was responsible for 1981's biggest comedy hit which nabbed multiple Academy Award nods. I still get together with Arthur for a drink every so often, whether it's through cable or my double-sided DVD and it's always a pleasurable reunion. Yes, I own a copy of "Arthur 2" and I doubt you're in any position to judge.
32. Deckard- "Blade Runner"(1982)
Is he a replicant? The mere fact that this question still lingers over thirty years later is enough to justify the presence of Harrison Ford's hard-boiled 2019 detective. He's dragged out of retirement to retire some renegade androids in Ridley Scott's rain-soaked dystopia and nobody does world-weariness and reluctant heroism better the world's most famous former carpenter. It's too bad Sean Young won't live...
31. Mick Dundee- "Crocodile Dundee", "Crocodile Dundee II"(1986, 1988)
One of the 1980s unlikeliest champions, Paul Hogan's rugged Outback hero adapted to that jungle called Manhattan rather quickly. Rambo wasn't the only one brandishing a huge knife and I'm not entirely sure who would win in a fight. Okay, Rambo would, but it wouldn't be a completely one-sided affair. Don't forget that Dundee took down a Columbian drug cartel in his second outing(hey, it was the '80s). We chose not to accompany him to Los Angeles in '01, but Mick will always be a top pick as far as this celluloid age is concerned.
30. Alex Forrest- "Fatal Attraction"(1987)
Glenn Close gave us the greatest flesh-and blood female character of the entire decade and should have a Best Actress Oscar to show for it(sorry, Cher). Speaking of blood, you can see even more of hers on the DVD's highly disturbing alternate ending that would have surely cost Paramount $100 million if it had reached theaters. The fate of that poor bunny was traumatic enough. Nearly thirty years later, cinema's preeminent stalker still won't be ignored.
29. Jessica Rabbit- "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"(1988)
The sexiest cartoon character ever? Few will argue that point. She's not bad, she's just drawn that way. You can thank Bob Zemeckis for taking a break from figuring out the space time continuum to oversee the illustration of this gorgeous creature. And Kathleen Turner(she's better heard than seen). Someone please explain to me how Roger pulled this off.
28. Jason Vorhees- "Friday the 13th" series(1980, 1981, 1982, 1984, 1985, 1986, 1988, 1989)
This indestructible, machete-wielding mass murderer has appeared in books, comics, video games and has been referenced and parodied in various entertainment mediums since he first started tearing through Crystal Lake. His hockey mask is a widely recognized symbol in pop culture. Jason is a film icon if there ever was one. His movies are terrible, though.
27. Freddy Krueger- "A Nightmare on Elm Street" series(1984, 1985, 1987, 1988, 1989)
Wes Craven's disfigured dream stalker may be the most entertaining member of the unholy trifecta of '80s horror villains(Michael Meyers brings up the rear). Armed with razor-sharp claws and bad puns, there's just no escaping him in or out of your dreams. Freddy got fan mail, his own TV show, magazine covers and even scored groupies according to Robert Englund. Not bad for a child killer with an ugly striped shirt and third degree burns.
26. Beetlejuice- "Beetlejuice"(1988)
Michael Keaton's ghost with the most is one of two reasons we never forgot about him during his long, 21st century pre-"Birdman" drought(the other will be discussed a little later). He so completely dominates every moment he appears in Tim Burton's cult comedy that we don't even realize that he isn't even in it that much. Let's get going with that sequel, boys in case there is no afterlife.
25. Mr. Miyagi- "The Karate Kid" trilogy(1984, 1986, 1989)
Man, I could have really used Pat Morita's sage handyman/martial arts master during MY tough teen years. He gives Daniel-san a yellow '47 Ford convertible and all the skills necessary to kick the crap out of borderline psychopathic tormenters on both sides of the globe. Who's down for a 1940s-set prequel that details what this pint-sized powerhouse was doing in Okinawa?
24. Clark Griswold- "National Lampoon's Vacation" series(1983, 1985, 1989)
Fletch is funny and all, but this square middle-class American Dad is the reason future generations will know the name Chevy Chase. That Cosby mess might make him the greatest fictional father of the 1980s. Clark just wants everything to go right. Nothing ever does. Who can't relate to that? We're going to see him as a grandpa later this year. It HAS to be better than that time he took us to Vegas, right?
23. Jack Torrance- "The Shining"(1980)
Jack Nicholson's most iconic role? A bold statement for sure, but it may be entirely true. An abusive alcoholic with very questionable writing skills, Torrance hated his wife and son before he ever got to that hotel. Just try changing the channel(or sleeping soundly) after watching poor Shelly Duvall get a lengthy lecture about the importance of moral and ethical principals after finding out what he's been typing. A meddlesome Scatman Crothers takes an axe in the midsection to cap off the most horrific night since those priests visited Linda Blair. Stephen King didn't like the movie. He couldn't be any more alone if he wintered at the Overlook.
22. Doc Brown- "Back to the Future", "Back to the Future Part II"(1985, 1989)
Christopher Lloyd's mad scientist is a manic delight that still pops up in commercials to this day. I figure he spent at least nine months in 2015-16 getting that hover conversion and spleen and colon replacement done. Einstein(not the dog) wishes he was half as resourceful as Emmett. Try imagining anyone else in the role. That may have seriously altered history.
21. Roger Murtaugh- "Lethal Weapon", "Lethal Weapon 2"(1987, 1989)
He was white in the original script until Richard Donner was blown away by the white-hot Gibson-Glover chemistry in an audition. It wouldn't be long before we were blown away, too. Riggs may have put that hollow-pointed bullet to bad use, if not for his sturdy, stable partner. His wife is in the Rock 'n' Roll HOF and he's NOT too old for this shit.
20. Raymond Babbitt- "Rain Man"(1988)
Tom Cruise's card-counting older brother is the reason you have a mild understanding of autism, as well as the reason Dustin Hoffman scored a legacy-securing second Best Actor Oscar. He's counting 246 toothpicks in this picture after annoying his superstar bro over breakfast. Okay, so he isn't the best travel companion and is practically a walking ad for K-Mart and Judge Wapner, but he sure proved his worth in that casino. In the end, we can't really blame Tom for trying to keep him.
19. Hans Gruber- "Die Hard"(1988)
Alan Rickman should have a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for introducing a better class of criminal(he wasn't even nominated!) to a genre that would be forever better because of it. John McTiernan's beloved benchmark was only his second movie and Rickman's refined rogue was the perfect foil for ol' Bruce(we'll get to him). But don't let his intelligence or nice manners fool you. Just because he reads Time magazine and appreciates men's fashion doesn't mean he won't blow your brains out. I could list all the cerebral psychos that Hans inspired, but I'm sure you have other things to do. His brother's an asshole, too.
18. Murphy/Robocop- "Robocop"(1987)
Peter Weller will always have a place in the hearts of sci-fi action film buffs for his bionic crime-fighter, the second most celebrated cyborg of the 1980s(more on that later). That's all the more impressive considering the two shit sequels, terrible TV show and redundant remake that didn't do the character any favors. Yes, Murphy's legacy is firmly rooted in the Reagan era, yet we still regularly revisit Paul Verhoeven's violent futuristic fantasy. Dead or alive. The choice is yours.
17. Sarah Connor- "The Terminator"(1984)
Action extraordinaire James Cameron specializes in fierce female leads, and it all started with Linda Hamilton's iron-willed waitress/warrior/mother of the future. Sarah's muscled-up, gun-toting exploits in '91 are the real reason she ranks this high, but she found a strength she never knew she had during that wild weekend with Reese in 1984. He wasn't the only one in love with her.
16. Maverick/Pete Mitchell- "Top Gun"(1986)
A 24 year old Tom grinned his way through Tony Scott's hour and 50 minute Navy recruitment video and became a global phenomenon the likes of which is only seen every ten years or so. Long before he left his credibility on Oprah's couch and became the poster boy for Scientology and starred in numerous films of questionable quality("Knight and Day", anyone?), Tom Cruise was really f'n cool. Attention Paul Walker enthusiasts- this guy was a REAL movie star. Nobody seems to know what that means anymore. He bedded Kelly McGillis back when that was something to brag about, and fearlessly faced down a half-naked Val Kilmer. He popularized Aviator sunglasses, rides a motorcycle and plays volleyball shirtless just in case you needed any more reasons to hate him. Just kidding, Tom. We're still waiting on that sequel.
15. Gordon Gekko- "Wall Street"(1987)
Greed may not be good, but it sure felt right thanks to the oily charm of Michael Douglas in Oliver Stone's prophetic morality tale. Gekko quickly corrupted Charlie Sheen(not that that's hard to do)and an army of genuine white collar creeps as he rattled on about a million dollars being a day's pay. We might all be persuaded to part ways with our morals in the face of this grinning beast in suspenders with slicked-back hair. Jordan Belfort may have recently stolen the crown, but Gekko will always be the first wolf of Wall Street.
14. The Joker- "Batman"(1989)
Nicholson forever raised the bar for big screen villainy in Tim Burton's blockbuster game-changer. As a matter of fact, the three time Oscar winner bookended the '80s with TWO indelible portraits of over-the-top evil that might make him the GOAT. That $60 million salary was a small price to pay for such reliable lunacy. Jack's Joker killed his boss, his girlfriend, his best friend and at least fifty anonymous Gothamites. That we know of. I'm smiling just thinking about it. Eat your heart out, Heath.
13. Peter Venkman- "Ghostbusters", Ghostbusters II"(1984, 1989)
Where would Bill Murray be today if John Belushi had strapped on his proton pack instead as series co-creator Dan Aykroyd had originally envisioned? Would he have still gone into business for himself, leaving ALL of his peers in the dust? It's a valid question. The first "GB" was so damn popular, Bill went into hiding for a few years to safeguard his artistic integrity. He came out of exile for the inevitable sequel(and "Scrooged") to provide that lesser-loved '89 film with it's few highlights. Proceeding with a LONG-gestating third installment proved impossible without Venkman's delightful detachment, which means we have permission to blame Bill if things don't work out with Paul Feig's female foursome in 2016.
12. Axl Foley- "Beverly Hills Cop", "Beverly Hills Cop II"(1984, 1987)
I'm proud to say that I remember when Eddie Murphy was sitting on top of the world right next to Michael Jackson and that's why Kevin Hart can kiss my ass. Foley is a force of nature and the reason I forgive "Pluto Nash" and "Norbit" because he brought more fun(and more $$$) that just about anybody we've seen onscreen before or since. The first "Cop" was the highest-grossing R-rated movie for nearly twenty years. JUDGE REINHOLD became a household name for god's sake. What do you think it was like for Eddie?! No crooked Beverly Hills businessman or snooty desk clerk is safe when the pride of the Detroit Police Department rolls into town, and if Jerry Bruckheimer gets his way(he usually does), Foley will get a fourth outing in a year or two. He'd better have Harold Faltermeyer and Taggart in tow.
11. E.T.- "E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial"(1982)
The most benevolent outer space visitor in motion picture history raked in $399 million domestically IN 1982. Let that sink in for a moment. Hollywood knew no greater success until Jim Cameron made that boat movie. We don't know whether E.T. is old or young or male or female, but that's just the brilliance of Spielberg. This poor, misguided Harry Potter generation surely missed out because the bearded movie maestro packed more magic into two hours than that eight film franchise could manage in approximately twenty hours(jeez, HP, I have a LIFE I'd like to get back to!). I wonder what happened to Elliot after saying good-bye to his special friend as John Williams' magnificent score swelled in the background. As great as this movie is, I'm glad we never found out.
10. "Ferris Bueller- "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"(1986)
Alright, we're getting to the head of the class. The power and influence of John Hughes really can't be overstated. It's still being felt today, and Mathew Broderick's fourth wall-breaking titan of truancy still has yet to be matched in the annals of teen movies and television. Zack Morris? Total wannabe. Cher Horowitz? Nice try. Napoleon Dynamite? Please. Ferris is literally too cool for school. He turns Chicago into his own personal playground where no parade or fancy restaurant is off limits. He's seventeen and he's practically untouchable and every adult is lame and/or stupid and that's why a sequel wouldn't have worked. Ferris preached the importance of leisure and every word was the gospel truth. You can ignore it if you want, but life moves pretty fast...
9. Bruce Wayne/Batman- "Batman"(1989)
Christian Bales's Bat has got nothing on the original Dark Knight played by the incomparable Michael Keaton. He's arguably crazier and more dangerous than the colorful rogues gallery he faces on a nightly basis. Just ask Johnny Gobbs. As Bruce Wayne, he's a tad antisocial, but Kim Basinger didn't seem to mind. I'm guessing she attended several sleepovers at Wayne Manor which considerably increases his cool factor. Would Tobey Maguire and Robert Downey Jr. have EVER been asked to play superheroes if Keaton hadn't kicked open that door in '89? I don't think so. We're still not over the fact that he didn't get to suit up for a third time. Time to get that "Batman Beyond" petition going, people.
8. Yoda- "Empire Strikes Back", "Return of the Jedi"(1980, 1983)
The success or failure of the follow-up to the biggest movie of all time hinged on the public's willingness to accept a puppet as the mythical Jedi Grand Master. I'd say it worked out just fine. The CGI Yoda did a bunch a backflips and wielded a light-saber, but most of us prefer the sage, stationary swamp-dweller we first met in May 1980. He looks good for 800 and is said to have trained nearly every Jedi in the "SW" universe. Wow. His speech patterns are uniquely his own and Frank Oz deserves much acknowledgment for landing this green-skinned goliath in the good graces of the entire known galaxy.
7. John McClane- "Die Hard"(1988)
Here we go. Is he the coolest movie cop of all time?(don't answer that yet). Bruce Willis wasn't supposed to become an A-list movie star. It just happened when the overachieving New Jersey native threw on a filthy wife-beater in a role that Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Burt Reynolds and Richard Gere all turned down(thanks, guys). It's because of Bruce that McClane actually resembles a real person compared to all of his skull-crushing counterparts. He bleeds. He sweats. He swears. We gave him all the love that Holly wouldn't give in return, and an unfortunate 2013 trip to Moscow couldn't dull our devotion to this barefoot bad-ass. Now if I could only remember his catchphrase.
6. Martin Riggs- "Lethal Weapon", "Lethal Weapon 2"(1987, 1989)
Mad Mel blasted his way onto the upper echelon of leading men in his signature role, with all due respect to Max and a certain Oscar-winning Scottish freedom fighter. You just can't beat Riggs. I mean, two drug cartels, the Triad and virtually every lowlife scumbag in L.A. tried. Dirty Harry who? That was the reaction of stunned audiences after getting their first glimpse of this vicious Vietnam vet in '87. He beat McClane into the cinema by about 16 months, so it was a horse race between the two, but Riggs is an expert marksman and practiced jiu-jitsu long before the UFC existed. Then there's that mullet. And those eyes. Unimaginative WB execs will sign off on a remake sooner or later. Good luck to whoever gets a shot at the title 'cause they'll need it.
5. Marty McFly- "Back to the Future", Back to the Future Part II"(1985, 1989)
The average '80s kid watched "BTTF" more times than Michael J. Fox's skateboarding teen hero was late for school or let out a shocked/exasperated look(which was A LOT). He beats the shit out of all eight Goonies and every other youngster the Reagan era produced(Ferris never traveled through time). Admit it, you briefly considered wearing a red life jacket because Marty rocked one. He's probably the last guy to make double denim look cool. I know plenty of guys that would have plowed Lea Thompson anyway. Not Marty. He tore up the stage at the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance and he's the reason you STILL want a hoverboard. Heck, when I was ten years old, I wanted to BE Marty McFly and well, I never really grew up.
4. The Terminator- "The Terminator"(1984)
Once upon a time, Arnie was an Austrian weightlifter with an uncertain future in movies and Jim Cameron was a heavily restricted rookie with a barely-there budget. One movie changed that. More specifically, one gun-toting, leather-clad killer cyborg from a hellish fictional future that looks human(or at least as human as Arnold Schwarzenegger looked in the early '80s). The T-800 would be prominently featured on ANY list of greatest characters, not just one dedicated to a single decade or movies themselves for that matter. That's just the way it is. He can't be bargained with or reasoned with and ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP EVER if Hollywood has it's way. Yeah, I hate to trot out his overused mantra, but Arnold is indeed back in 2015's "Terminator Genisys", and if I sat through "Salvation", he can count on me this summer.
3. John Rambo- "Rambo" trilogy(1982, 1985, 1988)
Sylvester Stallone's OTHER defining character needs no introduction anywhere in the civilized world. Heck, even parts of the world with no running water or electricity know who Rambo is, and he'd probably be more comfortable there. If Brian Dennehy had just let him get something to eat, none of this would've ever happened. Rambo stands for something and that's pure mindless fun of the loud, explosion-filled 1980s variety. If you haven't seen all his adventures, you're probably not a heterosexual male. Reagan namedropped him, not to imply some sort of Republican symbolism. He's practically a superhero by the time he arrives in Afghanistan and never needed CGI or a fake muscle suit to get the job done. Sure, Rambo's style became passé as we entered the '90s, but nothing lasts forever. He reminded us all how wussified we'd become on his 2008 trip to Burma and Sly is planning one more round. Bring on "Last Blood".
2. Tony Montana- "Scarface"(1983)
We've finally arrived at the first runner-up, although I doubt he'd be happy with settling for second place. It must have seemed impossible pre-1983 for Al Pacino to ever top his towering work as ice-cold crime boss Michael Corleone in those Coppola flicks. Enter Oliver Stone, Brian De Palma and a mountain of white powder and the rest is history. Pacino's fire-breathing, coke-snorting Cuban kingpin and his little friend left us with little memory of Paul Muni's exploits in 1932. He didn't come to Miami to wash dishes and don't bring up the Diaz brothers. A true antihero, there isn't much Montana could do to turn off appreciative viewers even after doing just that to nearly everyone around him. Tony's mug has been plastered on countless posters and t-shirts. The hip-hop community has turned him into some sort of dastardly deity, universally embracing his aggressive consumption of money and power, morals be damned. The world is still his.
1. Indiana Jones- "Raiders of the Lost Ark", "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom", "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"(1981, 1984, 1989)
There was never any question in my mind about who was taking the top spot. Captain Jack Sparrow can go to hell. I feel bad for anybody that doesn't count Ford in a fedora as one of their earliest childhood memories. This rugged, timeless symbol of movie masculinity firmly established Harrison as the premier leading man of the 1980s. The numbers don't lie. Cinema's two superpowers(Spielberg and Lucas, for any laymen out there) sure weren't fooling around when they got together to create a hero. They called on Han Solo himself. James Bond is really the only guy you could place higher and he happens to be Indy's dad. Whether it was booby-trapped caves, traitorous sidekicks, giant boulders, Nazis, snakes, large insects, a Thuggee cult, fire, rats, more Nazis, a nuclear blast, old age, or a Soviet army, there was simply nothing the durable Dr. Jones couldn't handle. "Crystal Skull" sucked, there's no way around it. But Elvis got fat, Babe Ruth bombed on the Braves, Muhammad Ali lost his last two fights, Gretzky didn't give much to the Rangers and Jordan shouldn't have went to the Wizards. You get the idea. Disney owns him now(as part of the "SW" acquisition), and a Ford-less fifth film is all but guaranteed. Someone will have to tell me how that goes.
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