Sunday, April 3, 2022
Two Star Movies Vol. 9
1. "Harper"(1966) Rotten Tomatoes is wrong. Paul Newman's private eye(based on a 1949 novel) is one of the few films from his '60s peak that isn't worth revisiting. TV director Jack Smight did almost nothing with his star's charisma or William Goldman's screenplay. The abrupt, unsatisfactory ending left me in stunned silence.
2. "The Organization"(1971) Speaking of torpid movie star turns, I give you Sidney Poitier's third assigment as Detective Virgil Tibbs. Yes, there were two sequels to "In the Heat of the Night", that nobody on Earth remembers.
3. "The Stepford Wives"(1975) There are two film versions of Ira Levin's 1972 novel, and they both suck. This one boils down to a Brit director(Bryan Forbes) that doesn't know how to entertain, and a bland Katharine Ross proving that she was ill-equipped for leading lady status.
4. "The Rescuers"(1977) Disney animation was in the doldrums in the 1970s, a relatively-fruitless era that nearly led to a hostile takeover of Walt's company(imagine that). It certainly didn't help that Bianca and Bernard debuted the same summer as "Star Wars". In fairness, a 1990 sequel would enhance their reputations to the point where most people couldn't even tell the two films apart by now.
5. "Hard Country"(1981) Remember when Jan-Michael Vincent was supposed to be a big star? Don't feel bad, neither does anyone else. At least this forgotten redneck romance gave us a beautiful blonde with big dreams, by the name of Kim Basinger.
6. "Halloween II"(1981) Forty years later, Jamie Lee Curtis and the hospital-set sequel to John Carpenter's 1978 classic are looking better than ever, after so many poor attempts to cash in on the public's devotion to horror icon Michael Myers. "HII" was met with disdain by most critics, and can only really be enjoyed by the genre's famously-undemanding enthusiasts.
7. "One From the Heart"(1982) Teri Garr and Raul Julia had potential that was never fully realized, thanks in part to the profound failure of this musical misfire that dealt a serious blow to the career of famed director Frances Ford Coppola and his ambitious upstart Zoetrope Studios. The self-indulgent "Heart" has none, and earned a mere $630,000 on a $26 million budget.
8. "Videodrome"(1983) It has to be noted that a brunette post-punk 'Deborah' Harry never made it in the movies. Director David Cronenberg was clearly aiming for another cult hit, but this doesn't belong in the same class as "Scanners" and "The Fly", even with a sleazy, young(er) James Woods at it's center.
9. "Revenge of the Nerds"(1984) I'm not one to punish old movies for not meeting the moral standards of today, but this cult comedy isn't aging well at all. Firstly, there's nothing wrong with being a 'nerd', they rule the world. Secondly, I think there's a sexual assault here that's played for laughs. And finally, I never really found it funny to begin with.
10. "All of Me"(1984) Steve Martin hadn't really found his footing yet as a mature film star, as Lily Tomlin's ghost has him stuck between his early goofball shtick and the much more rewarding "Roxanne"/"Parenthood"/"Father of the Bride" era. The late Carl Reiner directed Martin here for the fourth and final time.
11. "National Lampoon's European Vacation"(1985) A red-hot Chevy Chase admitted that he didn't really want Amy Heckerling directing the second installment of his John Hughes-scripted franchise. For once, the asshole was right. It just wasn't a good fit, and "EV" is significantly less fun than the much-more popular first and third films(but better than 1997's "Vegas Vacation").
12. "Murphy's Law"(1986) I just can't get through a two-star movie blog without a gray-haired, pistol-packing Charles Bronson and his Cannon Films paycheck burning a hole in his pocket. A terrible script and Kathleen Wilhoite's annoying sidekick killed what should have been a straightforward assignment for Bronson's longtime director J. Lee Thompson.
13. "Back to School"(1986) Rodney Dangerfield never starred in a good movie. I took off my nostalgia glasses and was stunned by the stupidity of his biggest hit. An underused Robert Downey Jr. should have played his uncomfortable son, what a missed opportunity.
14. "The Bedroom Window"(1987) Steve Guttenberg's total lack of anything even remotely resembling serious acting ability is the reason this otherwise competent Curtis Hanson thriller hasn't been discussed since Reagan was President. A bad break for Elizabeth McGovern, who had some momentum.
15. "Harry and the Hendersons"(1987) Rick Baker's Oscar-winning make-up is the only reason to respect this achingly-obvious, would-be blockbuster that takes more than a page or two from the "E.T." playbook(Spielberg's Amblin Entertainment produced). But I recently revisited Jon Lithgow's family and their sitcom-like antics with a friendly Sasquatch and decided that I just can't do it.
16. "The Running Man"(1987) An unskilled TV director(Paul Michael Glaser) kept this deadly game show from joining the ranks of Arnold Schwarzenegger classics. A rewatch revealed a dull, drab execution of a can't-miss premise, that makes it the one prime Arnie actioner that I'll probably never return to.
17. "Breaking In"(1989) What happened to Burt Reynolds in the '80s? I was hoping this heist comedy would be a bright spot for the beleaguered star that seemingly slid further down the movie star ranks with each passing year. I'm not pleased to report that it was not. This time he took Casey Siemaszko down with him.
18. "Sibling Rivalry"(1990) Kirstie Alley was one of the most famous women in America in 1990. The "Look Who's Talking" star was cashing in on her short-lived clout in Carl Reiner's throwaway sex comedy about an extramarital affair gone horribly wrong. Sam Elliot's horndog dies in a hotel room. So does the movie. Jami Gertz steals her scenes as Alley's hip younger sister.
19. "Diggstown"(1992) Louis Gossett Jr. is as aging fighter lured into a grueling gauntlet by a con-man manager(James Woods), a far-fetched premise that feels less so when one peeks at the current state of boxing. "Bad News Bears" director Michael Ritchie was similarly passed his prime when he crafted this underwhelming underdog story.
20. "Robin Hood: Men in Tights"(1993) Former comedy king Mel Brooks was feeling as old and out-of-touch as his subject matter, in this limp spoof that looks for laughs in Sherwood Forest, and finds none. Cary Elwes and Amy Yasbeck bring some energy to Brooks' tired material, but the most memorable part of "Tights" was it's title.
21. "Love Affair"(1994) Real-life married couple Warren Beatty and Annette Bening had no chemistry whatsoever in this stilted remake of the 1939 romantic drama. Katharine Hepburn's final performance and Conrad Hall's lighting couldn't class things up enough for the awards consideration that Beatty was obviously after. Talk about an affair to forget.
22. "Congo"(1995) This dumb, second-rate Michael Crichton adaptation was hastily produced to pounce on the "Jurassic Park" crowd exactly two summers later. Needless to say, Frank Marshall's African gorillas didn't have the same appeal as Spielberg's dinosaurs. Tim Curry and Ernie Hudson both have annoying accents, and the FX-filled finale is only moderately-exciting.
23. "Last Man Standing"(1996) Bruce Willis was shooting blanks in this Walter Hill Western that looked good on paper and in advertising material. Actually watching it is another story. The movie doesn't really have one, and Hill never nails down the proper tone. Christopher Walken is wasted in a villain role.
24. "Batman & Robin"(1997) What would you say if I told you that Joel Schumacher's Waterloo, which famously pitted an overwhelmed TV actor named George Clooney against Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy, is actually the best movie on this list by sheer virtue of the fact that it's one of the most talked about films of the last 25 years?
25. "Nutty Professor II: The Klumps"(2000) Speaking of latex and unloved sequels, that brings us to Eddie Murphy. I think we all felt good about Sherman Klump and his cheerfully vulgar family in '96. Four summers later, the first film's heart was replaced by a series of lame, gross-out gags more obnoxious and off-putting that Buddy Love himself. Janet Jackson adds nothing to the pitiful product except the inescapable, deceptively-sweet soundtrack contribution "Doesn't Really Matter".
26. "The Ring"(2002) Naomi Watts and a blue tint couldn't save this inexplicably-popular remake of the 1998 Japanese horror film of the same name. At least director Gore Verbinski ran with the momentum to launch the "Pirates of the Caribbean" series.
27. "The Core"(2003) The Bore, is more like it. An enviable cast(Aaron Eckhart, Hilary Swank, Delroy Lindo, Stanley Tucci) is led straight to the bargain bin in one of the 'most scientifically inaccurate films ever made'. On top of not being entertaining at all, that's one dubious distinction.
28. "Alexander"(2004) Oliver Stone's worst movie finds a blonde Colin Farrell looking like a poor man's Russell Crowe(fortunately, the Irish stud fully recovered from his early career follies). One good battle scene can't overcome a bloated three-hour runtime or the overacting of Angelina Jolie, Val Kilmer, and Anthony Hopkins. Although, some will argue that Stone's ancient Greek epic was redeemed by the robust sales of FOUR separate DVD releases that I won't be bothering with.
29. "The Brave One"(2007) A gon-toting Jodie Foster is out for revenge in this weak reimagining of the "Death Wish" formula. Director Neil Jordan("The Crying Game") seems confused- is this just a fun shoot-'em-up or were there deeper aspirations here? And what the hell happened to Terrence Howard??
30. "The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3"(2009) John Travolta's over-the-top villainy is almost enough to give this busy remake of the 1974 thriller a passing grade. I just wish that Tony Scott(in his second-to-last film) hadn't felt the need to direct the shit out of every moment with his breathless, super-slick visual style. His 5x leading man Denzel Washington is relatively subdued as a heroic subway dispatcher.
31. "The Ghost Writer"(2010) Roman Polanski is irrelevant, and it has nothing to do with a 45-year old sex crime conviction. Critics were polite, but this political thriller that pits Ewan McGregor against Pierce Brosnan is a guaranteed cure for insomnia.
32. "Somewhere"(2010) Sophia Coppola kinda sucks, and her fourth movie goes nowhere. This wildly self-indulgent attempt to replicate the melancholy magic of "Lost in Translation" is likely to frustrate casual viewers with it's slow-moving reminder that fame and success doesn't always equal happiness. Coppola's budget constraints probably stuck her with Stephen Dorff as a depressed bad-boy actor, and he simply isn't compelling enough to carry a movie as uneventful as this one.
33. "Men in Black 3"(2012) Josh Brolin does a good Tommy Lee Jones impression. Sadly, that's the only positive I have to report on this belated threequel. A ten-year gap did not lead to a creative renaissance for Will Smith and director Barry Sonnenfeld, with a 1969-set time travel storyline that only reminded me how much better "Back to the Future" was at this sort of thing.
34. "Hercules"(2014) Summer fun with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson and Brett Ratner? Not quite. The Scorpion King was really testing my patience with his aggressive box office-baiting around this time. What must have felt like a slam dunk for studio suits was a deadening slog for anyone with half a brain, and the since-reviled Ratner has yet to direct another film.
35. "The Visit"(2015) Two stars isn't always a bad thing. M. Night Shyamalan was literally fighting for his once-great career when he personally ponied up the funds($5 million) for a make-or-break horror comedy about two teenagers and their creepy grandparents. Against all odds, this flawed found-footage film made money, allowing it's rejuvenated writer-director to reclaim a modicum of respect.
36. "The House"(2017) Have we finally had our fill of Will Ferrell? His crass underground casino was his lowest-grossing lead role in a long time, despite an advantageous summer release and an 88 minute in-and-out runtime. Amy Poehler shouldn't be lowering herself like this. Film comedy is dead.
37. "Charlie's Angels"(2019) There's never been a good "Charlie's Angels" movie. With that being said, Kristen Stewart and Naomi Scott bring some youthful girl power appeal to the predictable proceedings. An $18 million domestic box office total was a devastating blow to this franchise's future prospects and the big-screen ambitions of director/co-star Elizabeth Banks.
38. "6 Underground"(2019) Michael Bay's 14th film was made for Netflix, and is such an fast, loud, overblown, relentless, hyperactive stunt-show, that it's action set-pieces, while technically sound, are rendered empty and meaningless for anyone that still cares about story and character. Ryan Reynolds is a vigilante billionaire with a steady stream of jokes to remind you not to take a minute of it seriously.
39. "F9"(2021) Or Fast 9 From Outer Space. The series' worst installment since 2009 couldn't possibly please anyone other than it's most loyal followers. Vin Diesel, aren't you rich enough yet? How many houses and cool cars does one guy need?? Vote with your wallets, people.
40. "Marry Me"(2022) The nitwit version of "Notting Hill" has Jennifer Lopez looking great at age 51 and...that's about it. Her pampered pop star(a real acting stretch) finds unlikely love with Owen Wilson's unassuming nice guy. At least it was free with my Peacock subscription.
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