Two Star Movies Vol. 8

1."Out of the Blue"(1980) Dennis Hopper was still on drugs when he directed and starred in this obscure indie drama about a troubled teenage girl(Linda Manz) and her alcoholic ex-con father. This is the kind of nihilistic stuff that would soon go extinct, in an industry gravitating toward upbeat crowd-pleasers. It was for the best.

2. "Author!, Author!"(1982) Al Pacino was woefully miscast as a NYC playwright/single parent in director Arthur Hiller's lukewarm dramady that was obviously aiming for "Kramer vs. Kramer" vibes, without ever coming close. Fortunately for film fans, big Al came back with a vengeance(and a big pile of cocaine) the following year.

3. "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"(1982) No wonder musicals went out of style. I'm assuming the only way this Burt Reynolds-Dolly Parton combo sold so many tickets in July/Aug '82 is because "E.T." was always sold out.

4. "The Evil That Men Do"(1984) Let's talk about the evil that Charles Bronson did. The taciturn tough guy starred in 13 movies in the 1980s, and unless you're a film freak that unearths relics like this at 4 a.m., you can't name a single one.

5. "Stick"(1985) Speaking of late-night time wasters, Burt Reynolds is back as director and star of this dull Elmore Leonard adaptation about a sullen criminal that made it really clear why he didn't stick around at a leading man level. You see what I did there.

6. "Big Trouble in Little China"(1986) I know I sound like an asshole, but I'm not REALLY a big Kurt Russell-John Carpenter guy. This cult actioner with it's sloppy sci-fi elements was never part of my childhood, and an adult viewing couldn't convert me. I'm here to remind '80s fantasy film buffs that summertime audiences stayed away for good reason.

7. "Wisdom"(1986) Emilio Estevez got too ambitious. Charlie's much-more stable brother still lacked the wisdom to know that he couldn't write, direct, AND star in this clunky "Bonnie and Clyde" clone with his real-life beau Demi Moore, who ended things soon after seeing it.

8. "The Couch Trip"(1988) With Dan Aykroyd, Walter Matthua, and Charles Grodin in a comedy directed by Michael Ritchie, this should've been a humorous home run. What we got was a curiously-inconspicuous flop that's currently one of a billion choices on free streaming sites.

9. "Q&A"(1990) Nick Nolte's depraved detective livens up this otherwise overlong and unexciting police drama from legendary director Sidney Lumet("12 Angry Men", "Serpico", "Network"). We spend too much time with a colorless Timothy Hutton as a young NY lawyer, proving the Oscar curse is real.

10. "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"(1992) Blonde also-ran Kristy Swanson would really like you to remember HER high-school heroine once in a while. The film version of "Buffy" is mostly forgotten and rightfully so. Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn't even respect it.

11. "Rising Sun"(1993) Sean Connery, in all his sexy sixty-something year old glory, and a surging Wesley Snipes are mismatched cop partners investigating the Yakuza in Los Angeles. This should've been a keeper. Instead, Philip Kaufman's poorly-paced thriller has little to offer beyond it's big-name allure, which included Michael "Jurassic Park" Crichton, scripting the action that never comes.

12. "Robocop 3"(1993) The departure of original star Peter Weller and a PG-13 rating killed the public's interest in the cyborg Detroit crimefighter than once captivated every kid in the country. A lazy cash-grab that didn't actually make any, "Robo 3" looked like something the Sy-Fy channel would serve up, with a minuscule budget to match.

13. "Junior"(1994) Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito, and director Ivan Reitman reunited for this flat, one-joke comedy about the world's first pregnant man(Oscar winner Emma Thompson tagged along, too). Why the trio didn't make a timely sequel to the much-more popular "Twins" instead, I'll never know.

14. "Under Siege 2: Dark Territory"(1995) Steven Seagal's non-existent acting ability seriously hurt this otherwise serviceable summer sequel. The self-proclaimed martial arts master and all-around asshole made no effort WHATSOEVER to turn his trainbound Navy Seal hero Casey Ryback into an interesting or relatable character. The result- no Under Siege 3.

15. "Space Jam"(1996) Michael Jordan is basketball's GOAT, and the most famous athlete of the 1990s. This 88-minute ego stroke however, proved that MJ was as bad at acting as he was great at winning championships for the Bulls, despite the best efforts of Bugs Bunny and Bill Murray. I'll take "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" any day.

16. "Absolute Power"(1997) This political thriller(there's a murder directly involving the President!) broke Clint Eastwood's Clinton-era hot streak, and has to go down as one of his most dispiriting directorial efforts. The "Unforgiven" Oscar winner just couldn't seem to muster much enthusiasm for William Goldman's script, even with Gene Hackman and Ed Harris on the set. His longtime musical composer Lennie Niehaus let him down here as well.

17. "The Saint"(1997) Val Kilmer is NOT a comedian. Or an action star. Or a leading man. That's my main takeway from this lame film version of the '60s TV show. Tom Cruise must have laughed his ass off.

18. "Out to Sea"(1997) Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthua were a great comedy duo. Just not in this movie. "Grumpy Old Men" on a cruise ship, was a pitch that went over better in the studio boardroom than it did at the box office ticket counter.

19. "Flubber"(1997) I'm starting to think that 1997 was not one of the all-time great movie years. That lovable workaholic Robin Williams rarely passed on a paycheck, even when childish crap chipped away at the respectability of his brand(oddly enough, he won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for "Good Will Hunting" just a few months later).

20. "Snake Eyes"(1998) "Scarface" director Brian De Palma began his long, slow slide into irrelevance with this convoluted thriller, and his partner-in-crime Nic Cage wasn't that far behind. If I hadn't made written note of the fact that I watched this movie, I might never have remembered it.

21. "54"(1998) Hey, I thought this place was supposed to be fun. A lightweight cast and a lousy director(Mark Christopher) failed to do much with the world-famous NYC discoteque that lives in late-'70s infamy. There was definitely a good movie in here somewhere.

22. "Dr. T & the Women"(2000) Venerable director Robert Altman veered wildy from semi-serious to semi-comedic, failing to hit either mark, as Richard Gere's gobsmacked gynecologist deals with various female entanglements. Helen Hunt, Farrah Fawcett, Shelley Long, Kate Hudson, Laura Dern, and Liv Tyler are the ladies in his orbit. None got the expected career boost.

23. "Proof of Life"(2000) The tabloid-friendly love affair that reportedly developed between Russell Crowe and Meg Ryan totally overshadowed the kidnapping thriller from which it came. Taylor Hackford's ambiguous ending was appreciated(did these two belong together?), but the two hours that preceded it just doesn't get a passing grade. Sadly, it was all downhill from here for Ryan.

24. "The Transporter"(2002) Jason Statham sucks, and should have never been a movie star with a franchise. Listen to his signature flick's terrible musical score and tell me I'm wrong. I know Frank Martin is fearless and knows how to fight, but so does every other big-screen bad-ass. U.S. audiences are supposed to be smarter than this.

25. "Daddy Day Care"(2003) Eddie Murphy, the foul-mouthed '80s phenom, became a full-on family friendly movie star with this one. Honestly, I didn't hate this movie as much as I thought I would. That's not an endorsement, Eddie.

26. "Be Cool"(2005) I think John Travolta forgot how sometime around the new millenium(ahem, "BATTLEFIELD EARTH"). F. Gary Gray's belated sequel to "Get Shorty" found JT just barely hanging on to his A-list membership. A reunion with Uma Thurman could only remind us of the long-gone glory days.

27. "V for Vendetta"(2006) Remember when the last name 'Wachowski'(even if only in a writing/producing capacity) actually meant something? "V" was based on a dark dystopian comic book, like we needed another one of those. Natalie Portman shaved her head for nothing.

28. "Lonely Hearts"(2006) John Travolta's back with bad hair and depleted acting skills, for this 1940s-set indie detective dud. James Gandolfini didn't need a partner to track down Jared Leto and Salma Hayek's serial-killer couple.

29. "Two Lovers"(2008) Joaquin Phoenix quit acting for four years(unless you count his now-infamous 2010 "doc") following the release of this dour indie drama about a depressed New Yorker pining hopelessly for Gwyneth Paltrow. The best movie on this list is still strangely unsatifying, unless director James Gray intended to leave viewers stranded in the friend zone.

30. "The Ward"(2010) John Carpenter's last directorial effort can be classified as a guilty pleasure, which is consistent with just about every movie he's ever done that isn't called "Halloween". A fresh-faced Amber Heard suffers inside a haunted insane asylum. Johnny Depp probably enjoyed it.

31. "Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon"(2011) Not as dumb as Transformers 2. That's the nicest thing I have to say about Michael Bay's third straight sensory assault, that inexplicably became the year's second highest-grosser(behind Harry Potter). Shia LeBeouf's new beau Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is actually a worse actress than Megan Fox. If every movie was like this, I wouldn't like movies.

32. "The Expendables 2"(2012) Just fast forward to the last twenty minutes of Sylvester Stallone's sequel, to see him blow away every bad guy in sight with Arnold and Bruce, before kicking Jean Claude Van-Damme's ass. You won't miss anything.

33. "A Good Day to Die Hard"(2013) The fifth and final(?) installment in the blockbuster franchise was a heartbreaker for longtime fans that first fell in love with iconic supercop John McClane a quarter-century earlier. Bruce Willis offers a half-hearted reprisal of his most famous role, Jai Courtney is worthless as his CIA agent son, and hack director John Moore never makes us care about their miserable mission in Moscow.

34. "Pain and Gain"(2013) Michael Bay's messy, overly-busy directing style deflates this bizarre true story of bodybuilding kidnappers in 1990s Miami. The macho charms of Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson could have been something to see in the hands of a storyteller with more restraint. I mean, literally anybody.

35. "Dumb and Dumber To"(2014) Just when you thought Harry and Lloyd couldn't possibly be any dumber, they go and soil the memory of their classic 1994 comedy that I'm now less likely to watch tonight(sorry, Jeff Daniels but it's true). Damn those fucking Farrelly brothers. History may recognize this as the end of the road for the once-hysterical Jim Carrey.

36. "Green Room"(2015) The talented Anton Yelchin died less than a year after the release of the drab, unpleasant indie thriller about a punk rock band battling a skinhead gang(led by a villainous Patrick Stewart) in the Pacific Northwest. Writer-director Jeremy Saulnier never had a hit film, and never will.

37. "Fist Fight"(2017) I'm challenging Ice Cube and Charlie Day to a fight. I'm challenging ANYBODY that thinks this is comedy(a genre I hate in the 21st Century btw) to read a book, go to class, and get a god-damn clue.

38. "Booksmart"(2019) The heartland hates Hollywood. Professional "critics" championed this obnoxious teen comedy about best friends(Kaitlyn Dever, Beanie Feldstein) having the kind of crude misadventures usually reserved for their male counterparts. First-time director Olivia Wilde resorted to a desperate social media plea when the film's target audience failed to show up on opening weekend(they still didn't come). Either I'm getting old, or this just isn't funny.

39. "The Kitchen"(2019) Melissa McCarthy, Elizabeth Moss, and Tiffany Haddish run the streets in the most unconvincing crime drama you'll ever come across. I'm not sexist, I'm also not scared of this trio(not in the physical sense, at least). Domhall Gleeson's dirty accomplice is the only plus.

40. "Motherless Brooklyn"(2019) Writer-director-star Edward Norton nursed his adaptation of Johnathan Lethem's 1999 novel for twenty years. It was a massive waste of his time and talent. An admirable recreation of 1950s New York and a nice cast(Bruce Willis, Willem Dafoe, Alec Baldwin) couldn't save this overlong, overplotted bore. Norton's distracting lead performance as a detective with Tourette's, doesn't help.