Two Star Movies Vol. 7

1. "Rollerball"(1975) James Caan is an extreme sports star forced to compete in a corporate dystopia. Norman Jewison's sci-fi drama is nowhere near as cool or fun as it sounds. They just didn't know how to make movies like this yet.

2. "Heroes"(1977) Henry Winkler was no hero in this unconvincing drama about an oddball Vietnam vet that proved The Fonz's place was on the small screen. Sally Field and Harrison Ford play his girlfriend and best friend, and both would soon be way better than this.

3. "Some Kind of Hero"(1982) Speaking of unconvincing Vietnam veterans failing to re-adjust, a semi-serious Richard Pryor went over like a lead balloon, confusing his fans with an awkward and erratic mix of styles and tones. With all due respect to the late Margot Kidder, years of hard living had also begun to telegraph a career decline that she was never able to reverse.

4. "Airplane II: The Sequel"(1982) This doomed follow-up to "the funniest movie of all time" isn't as bad as you remember(if you remember it at all, which most don't). Robert Hays and Julie Hagerty are back, the ZAZ team were not. Maybe I just have a soft spot for movies the whole world forgot.

5. "Stayin' Alive"(1983) The Sylvester Stallone-directed sequel to "Saturday Night Fever" can't ever be called a good movie with a clear conscience. I also believe it needs to be seen and talked about, especially John Travolta's brief devotion to physical fitness and the lost potential of Finola Hughes and THAT LAST TWENTY MINUTES. You'll thank me.

6. "Against All Odds"(1984) This noirish mystery romance had a lot going for it- a bearded Jeff Bridges, James Woods, a would-be starlet in Rachel Ward, and a hot director(Taylor Hackford). So, why is it boring as hell and not on anybody's radar today? The Phil Collins-fronted soundtrack is the only part of it with any pop culture currency.

7. "Death Wish 3"(1985) The best "Death Wish" sequel is kind of like being the tallest midget or the smartest retard. An aging Charles Bronson blows up a NYC street gang in a brainless effort to match what Stallone and Schwarzenegger were doing(with FAR greater success). Liam Neeson took notes.

8. "Target"(1985) An overworked Gene Hackman couldn't liven up this flat-footed thriller, that he presumably pumped out as a favor to his "Bonnie and Clyde" director Arthur Penn. You probably couldn't find me somebody who remembers it if I gave you a year to.

9. "River's Edge"(1987) Some critics(including Siskel and Ebert!) were enthusiastic about this grim fact-based drama about the shocking murder of a teenage girl and her peer group's reluctance to reveal the truth. But in my not-so-humble opinion, hack director Tim Hunter's TV movie-style execution is the reason it doesn't have much of a reputation anymore, despite a 21 year old Keanu Reeves and a gonzo Crispin Glover performance.

10. "Batteries Not Included"(1987) My research shows that Steven Spielberg was associated with ONE failure during his epic '80s blockbuster run(his list of producing credits is as long as his storied directorial output). Cute flying saucers couldn't counter an uninspired director(Matthew Robbins) and a lack of interesting human characters. The all-important youth demographic just couldn't relate to an elderly couple, even if they're played by the real-life team of Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy.

11. "Cocktail"(1988) Is this the greatest two-star movie ever made? Tom Cruise's cocky, bed-hopping Manhattan bartender briefly had me thinking I wanted to be one(okay, maybe it was just the bed-hopping part). This movie is ridiculous. I've seen it twenty times.

12. "Three Men and a Little Lady"(1990) Another love-hate cable mainstay, "Little Lady" was a lazy extended sitcom that no one preferred over the hugely-successful 1987 original. It's also as harmless as five-year old Mary, with a stop-the-wedding happy ending for Tom Selleck and Nancy Travis. They should've made a third.

13. "The Butcher's Wife"(1991) A blonde Demi Moore botched her Southern accent in this wretched romcom that barely registered with audiences despite her exploding post-"Ghost" popularity. Jeff Daniels, Mary Steenburgen, and Frances McDormand were rendered powerless.

14. "Honeymoon in Vegas"(1992) While we're on romantic comedy blunders, I should've skipped the nuptials of Nick Cage and Sarah Jessica Parker. This appealing pair was on the rise, but a funny premise can only be stretched so far, no matter how many Elvis impersonators are involved.

15. "Flesh and Bone"(1993) Dennis Quaid, Meg Ryan, and James Caan tried hard in rural Texas, to no avail, in this uninvolving oh-so-serious one-note drama from writer-director Steve Kloves, that contains none of the joy of his breakthrough debut "The Fabulous Baker Boys".

16. "D2: The Mighty Ducks"(1994) Emilio Estevez wants us to be excited about his MD revival on Disney+. I, for one, am not. "D2"(cute title) was already a dogshit extension of a movie that was only ever mildly-amusing in the first place.

17. "Beverly Hills Cop III"(1994) Speaking of slack sequels, Eddie Murphy reprised his most famous role with none of the energy or electricity that made Detroit cop Axel Foley an '80s box office phenom. Disinterested director John Landis("Coming to America") couldn't even call iconic composer Harold Faltermeyer to liven things up. Do we really want #4?

18. "Vampire in Brooklyn"(1995) We might as well get Eddie Murphy's other mid-'90s flop out of the way. His long-haired blood-sucker sucks, and could have been a career-killing situation if "The Nutty Professor" hadn't been his next movie(director Wes Craven was similarly saved by "Scream" the following year).

19. "Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead"(1995) Andy Garcia is a smooth criminal, and he's joined by the eccentric likes of Christopher Lloyd, Christopher Walken, William Forsythe, and Steve Buscemi. This imitation indie crime flick is just praying to be mistaken for the works of Quentin Tarantino. Director Gary Fleder and writer Scott Rosenberg insist they weren't influenced by "Reservoir Dogs" and "Pulp Fiction". I don't believe them.

20. "Crash"(1996) James Spader and Holly Hunter get turned on by automobile collisions. As adventurous as I like to think I am, this is just not something I can get behind. Writer-director David Cronenberg says 'fuck you' to mainstream moviegoing tastes, and I'm saying 'fuck you' right back.

21. "Volcano"(1997) "Dante's Peak" was better. That's my verdict in the dueling disaster movie debate of 1997. Special effects(which aren't that special) were starting to push real actors like Tommy Lee Jones into the background, a worrying trend that still shows no signs of abating.

22. "EDTV"(1999) Ron Howard's worst movie makes Matthew McConaughey a 24/7 reality TV star, a high-concept premise explored much more intelligently in "The Truman Show", released just eight months earlier.

23. "Finding Forrester"(2000) "You're the man now, dog". A nearly-retired Sean Connery's trailer-friendly delivery of that immortal line wasn't enough to sell me on this Gus Van Sant Oscar bait. I just didn't buy the relationship between his reclusive author and bland Bronx teen Rob Brown.

24. "Evolution"(2001) My millionth viewing of "Ghostbusters" was way more enjoyable than watching Ivan Reitman try to relive June 1984 with David Duchovny, Orlando Jones, Sean William Scott, and Julianne Moore(not her fault). Sometimes, summer "fun" is anything but.

25. "Moonlight Mile"(2002) A 20 year old Jake Gyllenhaal just wasn't there yet as a grown-up lead in this unrealistic drama about a young man's bond with his dead girlfriend's parents. Writer-director Brad Silberling's semi-autobiographical tale rang true to Roger Ebert(four stars), but not to me, even with the dependable presence of Dustin Hoffman and Susan Sarandon.

26. "Daredevil"(2003) Ben Affleck was blind, and his fans wished they were, in this Marvel flop that could only hope to piggyback off the success of Sam Raimi's "Spider-Man". Jennifer Garner's Electra somehow got a spin-off, Colin Farrell's Bulls-Eye was a backwards step, and director Mark Steven Johnson still doesn't ring a bell.

27. "House of D"(2004) A rapidly-declining David Duchovny proved an inadequate writer-director in this obscure coming-of-age indie that grossed less than $400,000 on a $6 million budget. Anton Yelchin was good as the teenage version of Duchovny's character during the '70s set flashback story, but Robin Williams gave into his tendency for annoying overacting as his mentally-challenged pal.

28. "Domino"(2005) Tony Scott was a crowd-pleasing poet that put his visually-arresting stamp on 16 films, most of which are entertaining. The OTT adventures of Keira Knightley's 100-pound bounty hunter was a major miscalculation during his waning years, when we needed as many distractions from President Bush as we could get. I'll watch "Top Gun" and "True Romance" a hundred more times before I'll revisit this.

29. "The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause"(2006) Tim Allen makes it a trilogy and takes on Martin Short's malevolent Jack Frost in this Christmas crap that might make you regret your earlier support of Scott Calvin. The 1994 original was a December delight, the dopey "Escape Clause" is strictly for the elementary schoolers in your life.

30. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"(2008) Here's a real heartbreaker. I shouldn't have to tell any middle-aged movie obsessive how hard it was to see Harrison Ford hide in the fridge in the '50s and bond with his greaseball son Shia LaBeouf(to his credit, he publicly admitted the movie sucked). Cate Blanchett couldn't even pull "Crystal Skull" to a passing grade. The CGI-filled Indy 4 ironically edges out "1941" as Steven Spielberg's worst film, and makes the "Star Wars" prequels feel like paradise.

31. "Knowing"(2009) It's the end of world, and Nick Cage knows it. This moody sci-fi horror thriller spends most of it's two-hour runtime in the slightly-below-average range, before turning bonkers, which is where it's sliding star now seems most comfortable.

32. "Stone"(2010) Robert De Niro made too many movies. Edward Norton doesn't have that problem, but that didn't stop him from overacting to an embarrassing degree as an inmate with cornrows in this dour drama that sank like a stone with critics and audiences. This pair shared the screen much more agreeably in 2001's "The Score".

33. "Pitch Perfect"(2012) I know I'm not the target audience for Anna Kendrick's capella girl group, nor am I a man who dismisses female-led movies. But if you told me in 2012 that this pitchy, imperfect musical comedy would start a franchise, I'd ask you incredulously who would possibly go for that.

34. "Godzilla"(2014) I was bored to tears by Gareth Edwards' monster movie, which kicked off a summer that really tested my patience for corporate FX-driven filmmaking. The box office indicates that I'm not alone- Godzilla '14 finished with $200 million in the U.S., one of the lowest totals ever for a $90 million+ opening.

35. "Everybody Wants Some!!"(2016) Richard Linklater's spiritual sequel to "Dazed and Confused" seems to be picking up similar steam as a breezy hang-out movie. I might have been able to join that movement if Zoey Deutch had the starring role. Blake Jenner has good looks and little else, and his bozo baseball buddies made me glad that 1980 wasn't a year I could actively participate in.

36. "The Book of Henry"(2017) I don't remember a god-damn thing about this movie. Naomi Watts is in it. That's all I've got. Legend has it "Jurassic World" director Colin Trevorrow was fired from "Star Wars" when ticket sales were non-existent.

37. "The Public"(2018) Homeless people spend a lot of time at the library. On really cold nights, they should be allowed to sleep there. It's good-hearted bums vs. uncaring bureaucrats, in Emilio Estevez's well-meaning but unconvincing dramady, which makes him 0-7 as an actor-director.

38. "Tenet"(2020) Chris Nolan's career took it's first hit with this incomprehensible sci-fi actioner that profoundly failed to ease the pain of a pandemic-plagued population. The "Dark Knight" director doubles down on the narrative gymnastics of "Inception", while instilling a James Bond vibe, minus the entertainment value present in those films. In my view, John David Washington just doesn't have the charisma or presence of his old man. A big budget disaster of "Heaven's Gate"/"Waterworld" proportions.

39. "French Exit"(2020) Michelle Pfeiffer is one of my favorite actresses. I take no pleasure in reporting that this dreary indie was never going to win her the elusive Oscar she probably should have won thirty years ago. The one-time Susie Diamond tried to give life to this broke, eccentric widow, but director Azazel Jacobs and writer Patrick deWitt are simply not big-league talents. Lucas Hedges lets her down here as well.

40. "Wonder Woman 1984"(2020) Twenty-twenty was a tough year. We didn't need Diana Prince making it even harder. This plodding, joyless sequel has forced me to seriously question Gal Gadot's acting ability and the blockbuster-crafting capabilities of the previously-lauded Patty Jenkins. Where was the '80s music?! Where was Zack Snyder's team?? One of the biggest disappointments of the century.