60 Movies That Suck Dick Vol. 5

"Movies are binary. They either work or they don't".- George Lucas

1. "The Big Boss"(1971) Martial arts legend Bruce Lee made four movies in his too-short life. At least two of them are nearly unwatchable. I'm not trying to upset his large loyal fanbase, but have any of them ACTUALLY SEEN this lately?

2. "Pocket Money"(1972) Paul Newman made some boring movies, that can only be unearthed by a deep dive into his filmography(Lee Marvin, I'm looking at you too). This cowboy crud from his "Cool Hand Luke" director Stuart Rosenberg, is like watching paint dry.

3. "Paradise Alley"(1978) Was "Rocky" a fluke? That's the question critics and audiences couldn't help pondering, as they stumbled out of writer/director/star Sylvester Stallone's wildly inept attempt to replicate his historic 1976 Oscar winner, with a ham-fisted 1940s wrestling storyline. "Alley" belongs in one, buried under a pile of rubble. A resilient Stallone would, of course, fight back, but the honeymoon was over.

4. "Bloodline"(1979) A 49 year old Audrey Hepburn was flirting with irrelevance in this odious, obscure thriller that never gets mentioned when her iconic career is discussed. Hollywood's fairest lady only made four movies in the last 25 years of her life. You're looking at the worst one.

5. "The Hollywood Knights"(1980) This woeful "American Graffiti" wannabe was wiped off the face of the Earth by "The Empire Strikes Back" over the 1980 Memorial Day weekend(how poetic). There's only ONE reason this movie deserves ANY attention- a 21 year old Michelle Pfeiffer is stunningly beautiful in her film debut.

6. "Friday the 13th Part 2"(1981) Jason Vorhees kicks off his killing spree in unintimidating overalls and a burlap sack over his head(his maniacal mother started the cycle one year earlier). Horror buffs should try watching a good movie for a change. This is utterly incompetent filmmaking.

7. "Losin' It"(1983) A 19 year old Tom Cruise showed no potential whatsoever, and neither did director Curtis Hanson for that matter, in this terrible teen comedy. Life is just too short to find out if Tom and his buddies lose their virginity in Tijuana with "Cheers" star Shelley Long in tow.

8. "Body Double"(1984) Brian De Palma needed to give his cinema-soaked brain a break once in a while. One year after his masterpiece "Scarface", came this awful Hitchcock knockoff that would quickly be forgotten by all but his diehard fans. The weak Craig Wasson is no one's idea of a leading man. Melanie Griffith's porn star is the only plus.

9. "Dune"(1984) Speaking of celebrated directors taking a dump on their good names, I give you David Lynch's dire adaptation of Frank Herbert's 1965 novel. One of the biggest failures of the mid-'80s, Siskel and Ebert were united in their hatred for the "Heaven's Gate" of sci-fi epics. Here's a hot take- the 2021 remake isn't THAT much better.

10. "Code of Silence"(1985) Chuck Norris can't act. I'll take Stallone in "Cobra" and the worst episode of "Miami Vice" over this crap cop movie and it's anemic screenplay anyday. Director Andrew Davis("Under Siege", "The Fugitive") would rebound.

11. "The Money Pit"(1986) It's amazing that Tom Hanks found himself a two-time Oscar winner less than a decade after this dismal extended sitcom. Shelley Long, on the other hand, should have been happy on hers. "Pit" is a steaming pile of shit.

12. "Ishtar"(1987) An argument can be made that this notorious flop set female directors back by about ten years(the talented Elaine May never worked again). Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman had more fun fumbling around Morocco than anyone in America had watching them do it. The press had a field day beating up on the overpaid pair in the summer of '87, making "Ishtar" shorthand for costly star-driven debacles.

13. "Cousins"(1989) Ted Danson takes a break from bartending to romance Isabella Rossellini. His wife Sean Young sneaks off with William Petersen. I don't want to shit on the late Joel Schumacher, but this rotten relationship drama really doesn't work on any level. So, why did I sacrifice two hours of sleep to watch it?

14. "Crazy People"(1990) Don't let this picture fool you. The once-hot Dudley Moore seemed totally deflated by this poorly scripted comedy about an ad executive that mingles with mental patients, his last lead role in a movie(multiple health problems forced the "Arthur" star into an early retirement by the mid-'90s). A fading Daryl Hannah wouldn't fare that much better during the Clinton years.

15. "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey"(1991) The 1989 original had a goofy charm. Then they had to go and ruin it with a wretched sequel that sends the Wyld Stallions(Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter) on a witless romp through the afterlife. In fairness, William Sadler picked up cult status as Death, in a movie that feels like it for me. More on Bill and Ted later.

16. "Raising Cain"(1992) Brian De Palma is back with a nonsensical psychological thriller about split personalities that gave John Lithgow an excuse to overact(not that he ever needed one). The 'New Hollywood' leader has had a wildly up-and-down directorial career. More on that later.

17. "Super Mario Bros."(1993) We might as well get Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo out of the way. Even as a 13 year old Nintendo addict on a summer high, I wasn't going for this. Perhaps the most infamous release of the early '90s, "SMB" gutted every kid in the country with it's putrid production design, incompetent direction, and total lack of anything that resembled the video game's appeal. Thank the movie gods for "Jurassic Park".

18. "Blank Check"(1994) Eleven-year old Brian Bonsall("Family Ties") was a charmless Macauley Culkin clone in this badly-directed Disney dreck about the misadventures of a temporarily rich tyke. His kissing scene with '90s babe Karen Duffy generated mild controversy, but the biggest offense was the film itself.

19. "Baby's Day Out"(1994) Speaking of family film failures, writer-producer John Hughes really thought he could unleash an indestructible infant on his beloved Chicago and beat up more bumbling bad guys(Joe Mantegna, Joey Pants) "Home Alone"-style, and summertime audiences would just eat it up. They did not. A comedic sea change would force the formerly-powerful Hughes from public view by year's end.

20. "Bogus"(1996) What a fitting title for this Whoopi Goldberg bullshit, that features fat Frenchman Gerard Depardieu as a child's imaginary friend, an idea that not one kid in the country went for. Norman Jewison's baffling comic fantasy didn't even open in the top ten, an embarrassment for all involved.

21. "Bulletproof"(1996) Salt-N-Pepa produced a bangin' underrated single("Champagne") for this film's soundtrack. That's the only good thing that came out of the 85-minute buddy movie bollocks, in which Adam Sandler and Damon Wayans annoy each other, and the audience most of all. Despite his limited cinematic credentials, director Ernest Dickerson still regrets making it.

22. "Anaconda"(1997) An annoyingly-accented Jon Voight parted ways with his senses long before his far-right social media activity put him out to pasture. Jennifer Lopez continued her big-screen rise, via this film's undeserved box office success. Don't buy into this killer snake's cult classification, it's easily one of the worst films of 1997.

23. "The Other Sister"(1999) Julliette Lewis goes full retard and loses her "NBK" cool factor in Garry Marshall's miserable drama. "Sister" wants you to feel good and does the exact opposite. The normally-kind Roger Ebert gave it one-star.

24. "The 13th Warrior"(1999) How did John McTiernan, the architect of "Predator" and the two best "Die Hard" movies, fail so profoundly with this punishing Michael Crichton adaptation? The "Jurassic Park" author was deeply involved to the detriment of Touchtone Pictures. Antonio Bandaras' Muslim hero was shelved for a year of retooling after disastrous test screenings, only to take his place among the biggest bombs of all time.

25. "I Dream of Africa"(2000) When I dream of Kim Basinger, it's never because of this sedate Oscar bait that no one has seen or thought of in over twenty years. The title tells you everything you need to know about this snoozefest. Hugh Hudson("Chariots of Fire") directs for the second-to-last time.

26. "Bless the Child"(2000) Bad year for Basinger. The beautiful Oscar winner never could carry a film, and her two 2000 turds made that strikingly clear. Director Chuck Russell("The Mask") pits her against a Satanic cult in a movie that went straight to hell.

27. "Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles"(2001) Paul Hogan was a decade past his expiration date when he revived his '80s Outback hero for the most unnecessary threequel ever created. Don't do what I did, and drag a loved one along to watch him in "Los Angeles" in a misguided trip down memory lane.

28. "Swordfish"(2001) Joel Silver's producing hubris and Halle Berry's beautiful breasts weren't enough to save this woeful would-be blockbuster, that's operating under the mistaken belief that a long-haired John Travolta is still really cool(a long seven years after "Pulp Fiction") and that computer hacking was a solid foundation for summer fun. It's not, and Hugh Jackman would wisely stick with Wolverine after this.

29. "Full Frontal"(2002) Steve Soderbergh's pointless, plotless showbiz experiment is what you get from an unshackled filmmaker with too much confidence in his abilities, and too little regard for his audience(unsurprisingly, "FF" totally failed to find one). Here's Julia Roberts, merely doing her "Erin Brockovich" director a big favor.

30. "Femme Fatale"(2002) We might as well go all in on the Brian De Palma bashing. Rebecca Romijn was badly exposed in this pretentious Euro trash, and I don't mean her sexy striptease. I mean, she can't act. Antonio Bandaras was rendered powerless, and sensible viewers never looked forward to another De Palma film.

31. "Freddie vs. Jason"(2003) Freddy and Jason finally throw down, ten years after it was teased in 1993's "Jason Goes to Hell". That's one of the worst films in existence. "Bride of Chucky" director Ronny Yu's rancid crossover isn't far behind.

32. "In the Cut"(2003) Congratulations to writer-director Jane Campion on "The Power of the Dog". Oscar recognition seemed far out of reach when considering her last major release, an erroneous erotic thriller that was marketed as a potential comeback for a brunette Meg Ryan. It wasn't, and the since-semi-retired romcom queen has yet to make another worthwhile film.

33. "The Forgotten"(2004) This junky, aptly-titled sci-fi thriller didn't deserve the time and talent of Julianne Moore, nor did it deserve Gary Sinise(in an embarrassingly small role). Somehow, "The Forgotten" made money, around the same time we reelected George W. Bush. I guess it makes sense.

34. "Saw II"(2005) The '04 original can be classified as a guilty pleasure. But the problem with that is, you get pathetic garbage like this a year later, and that's something I can't condone with a clear conscience. The "Saw" cycle is one of the more unfortunate developments of the 2000s decade.

35. "The Wicker Man"(2006) There's no way I'm getting through this list without an appearance from Nicolas Cage's crazy ass. Holy shit. Some people actually enjoy Nic's nutzoid I.R.S.-abating acting style and choices. I, for one, do not.

36. "Planet Terror"(2007) The Robert Rodriguez half of "Grindhouse" was an ugly, misguided flop that greatly overestimated the public's affection for zombies and low-budget '70s-style trash. This would thankfully be the last time the rabid Rose McGowan was positioned to be a star. Quentin Tarantino's "Death Proof" went down much better.

37. "Paranormal Activity"(2007) This micro-budgeted indie franchise-starter was an unexpectedly big horror hit, and I couldn't care less. Never underestimate the power of clever advertising and internet hype. Inexperienced actors in a grainy bedroom, ripping off "The Blair Witch Project" is not my idea of a good time.

38. "Aliens vs Predator: Requiem"(2007) The Brothers Strause? Are you fucking kidding me?! I hope you like these two slimy sci-fi legends, because there's not ONE human character to latch onto. The FX are fine, but who gives a shit.

39. "Wanted"(2008) James McAvoy's office drone joins a secret society of superheroes, headed by Anjelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. Just watch "The Matrix" instead. Let's be glad this shitty adaptation of the short-lived graphic novel never got a sequel. Russian export Timur Bekmambetov has no real talent in my view.

40. "Paul Blart: Mall Cop"(2009) I can't believe we got two god-awful movies about galleria security guards in the first half of 2009. Kevin James kicked things off, with slapstick antics that wouldn't work on a seven-year old, to foil a heist/hostage situation. Incredulously, this film made $183 million worldwide.

41. "Observe and Report"(2009) I would say that Seth Rogen's psycho mall cop isn't aging well, if he was ever even funny to begin with. When you get your ass kicked by Paul Blart, you've made one foul comedy.

42. "The Last Airbender"(2010) Movies that the whole world hates are actually pretty rare. M. Night Shyamalan made it happen, with his Nickelodeon adaptation that I didn't care about for one minute. A trilogy was planned and immediately scrapped, I'll take that as a small victory.

43. "Get the Gringo"(2012) A grizzled Mel Gibson couldn't make fans forget his many controversies in this arbitrary actioner with a who-cares plot and a straight-to-DVD stench. I'll watch "Lethal Weapon 3" thirty more times before I'll sit through this Mexico-set mess again.

44. "Vamps"(2012) I'll bet you didn't even know that Alicia Siverstone and her "Clueless" writer-director Amy Heckerling reunited for this repugnant horror comedy that vanished without a trace mere weeks after it's fall release. It was a depressing reversal of fortune for the duo that once had the MTV generation firmly in their corner.

45. "White House Down"(2013) I like dumb-ass action as much as the next guy, but there's no joy to be had with this deadly-derivative thriller designed solely to separate summertime audiences from their expendable incomes. Director Roland Emmerich instructed Channing Tatum to make like John McClane and Jamie Foxx to act like Obama, while blowing up Washington again(with boring, weightless CGI, of course).

46. "Fifty Shades of Grey"(2015) Dakota Johnson is attractive and likable. I wanted to say something nice. Author E.L. James wrestled a significant amount of creative control away from demoralized director Sam Taylor-Johnson, who says she regrets making "Grey" her first(and to date last) big studio film. I've seen Skinemax movies from the early '90s that were better than this.

47. "Blackhat"(2015) Director Michael Mann only made ONE bad film, and it's also one of his last. That's a damn shame. What the FUCK is this movie even about?! Chris Hemsworth, fatally miscast as a computer hacker, is proof that we don't have real movie stars anymore.

48. "Pee Wee's Big Holiday"(2016) Paul Reubens lobbied for years to resurrect his manic man-child for a trilogy outing, before a rapidly-expanding Netflix answered his prayers. As an '80s fanboy, I was glad. Then I saw the movie. There wasn't one laugh or even smile to be gleaned from this not-so-big adventure. Be careful what you wish for.

49. "Dark Crimes"(2016) Jim Carrey's worst movie finds the fabled funnyman sulking around with a scruffy beard and a pretentious air as a Polish detective on a sordid case that I've already deleted from my memory. A 0% on Rotten Tomatoes and non-existent ticket sales made this slow-moving, one-note slog a career-killer for it's once-mighty star.

50. "Cult of Chucky"(2017) If you're in the cult of Brad Dourif's killer doll, I'm here to help, because he was only fun the first two times we saw him. When you see his malevolent smile on your Peacock menu in October, don't do what I did, keep scrolling by.

51. "Terminal"(2018) The beauty and talent of Margot Robbie(and a rare Mike Myers sighting) couldn't redeem this empty, insidious indie thriller, that desperately wanted to play to an underground film community looking for a 'hip' alternative to "Avengers: Infinity War". Writer-director Vaughn Stein doesn't even have a Wikipedia page. That's unlikely to change.

52. "Stuber"(2019) This abysmal action-comedy gets one-and-a-half stars. Big Dave Batista has gotta do better than this if he wants to hang around Hollywood with fellow WWE legend Dwayne Johnson. When Kamail Nanjiani pulls up in an Uber, please read a book instead.

53. "Good Boys"(2019) I'm predicting that Jacob Tremblay won't be particularly proud one day of his association with producer Seth Rogen. Hey, let's do "Superbad" with twelve year olds. I wouldn't let my kids near this pitiful excuse for a comedy and I'm no humorless puritan.

54. "Cats"(2019) Taylor Swift will have to wait for another big budget springboard. Tom Hooper's stupefying film version of the 1981 stage musical only made $27 million domestically on a $95 million budget, leaving online commentators calling for the return of his Oscars for "The King's Speech". Andrew Lloyd Webber reportedly warned Universal that their CGI plans were "ridiculous".

55. "Bad Boys for Life"(2020) I'm confused by all the love and respect that awaited this belated threequel(most critics hated "BBII" way back in 2003). Richard Roeper, why the about-face? Martin Lawrence doesn't do ONE THING in this movie to help Big Will out with the poorly-written bad guys. Covid created a world where "For Life" became the biggest hit of the year by default, another reason that 2020 won't be remembered at all fondly.

56. "Dolittle"(2020) A strangely-lifeless performance from Robert Downey Jr. sank this redundant reimagining of the eccentric animal doctor, that was better rendered by Eddie Murphy and Rex Harrison. This is what happens when you do nothing but Marvel movies for twelve years.

57. "Inheritance"(2020) I love Lily Collins and her eyebrows, but this ludicrous, little-seen thriller was a backwards step for the budding brunette star. Fortunately for her A-list prospects, the pandemic didn't even give it a chance to bomb badly at the summer box office.

58. "Bill and Ted Face the Music"(2020) It took FIFTEEN years to get Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter back in their time-hopping phone booth(the popularity of "John Wick" pushed #3 over the finish line). What a huge waste of time and energy for internet supporters and screenwriters Chris Matheson and Ed Solomon. Admittedly, I'm no big "B&T" fan, but did anyone come to "Music" with more than a morbid curiosity? Did anyone actually enjoy it?? I didn't think so.

59. "The War with Grandpa"(2020) Robert De Niro just can't stay away from dreck. A year after "The Irishman" reminded us of the good old days, the 76 year old acting legend squared off with his grandson in this excruciating extended sitcom. A geriatric Christopher Walken waited forty years to reunite with his "Deer Hunter" costar under the worst conditions imaginable. In this war, we all lose.

60. "The Woman in the Window"(2020) Joe Wright's twisty Netflix thriller was all wrong. I once would have thought it impossible to produce a worthless movie with Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, and Julianne Moore. Turns out it's very possible. Covid was a good cover for almost two years' worth of rewrites and reshoots. It sounds like this poor "Woman" was cursed from the start.