1. "Raw Deal"(1986)
You can say that again. Smack dab in the middle of Schwarzenegger's two defining masterworks("The Terminator", "Predator") came this generic Arnie actioner that was met with the same reception as Stallone's similarly underwhelming "Cobra" that very same year.
2. "The Great Outdoors"(1988)
John Candy and Dan Aykroyd's vacationing odd couple became a guilty pleasure for basic cable addicts for years after it's summer release. I just can't put this John Hughes/Howard Deutch collaboration in the same class as "Some Kind of Wonderful" or it's obvious inspiration("National Lampoon's Vacation"), even with talking raccoons and a bald-headed killer bear. Fun fact- this was Annette Bening's film debut.
3. "We're No Angels"(1989)
Double Oscar winners De Niro and Sean Penn only made one movie together. Unfortunately, it was this hardly angelic 'comedy' about a pair of charmless escaped convicts posing as priests in the 1930s.
4. "Funny About Love"(1990)
Gene Wilder's jew-fro was my sole source of enjoyment in this limp comedy directed by Leonard Nimoy(Spock!) about a political cartoonist's struggles with conception.
5. "The Rookie"(1990)
Clint Eastwood and Charlie Sheen were no Gibson and Glover in this buddy cop bomb that represents a low point for the taciturn tough guy(who also directed), as he merely went through the mechanical motions of an overworked genre.
6. "Mad Dog and Glory"(1993)
Bill Murray is a scary mobster and Robert De Niro is a timid New Yorker. The role reversal is supposed to be funny in itself. It isn't.
7. "The Chase"(1994)
Charlie Sheen was in the driver's seat for a lot of duds after his 1980s Oliver Stone-led peak("Platoon", "Wall Street"). Among them was this joyless joyride with Kristy Swanson, the would-be starlet scarcely heard from since.
8. "Being Human"(1994)
99.9% of the Earth's population has never seen or heard of this obscure Robin Williams oddity, strange considering it arrived about six months after his mega-hit "Mrs. Doubtfire".
 |
| Steve sees the box office numbers for "Ace Ventura". |
9. "A Simple Twist of Fate"(1994)
A morose Steve Martin watched his stock plummet in this dreary dramedy about a chilly recluse redeemed by the love of a small child, that coincided with the rapid rise of comedy's newest kingpin Jim Carrey.
10. "The Quick and the Dead"(1995)
Blonde beauty Sharon Stone as a pistol-packing, Old West outlaw? Right. This absurd vehicle was DOA, despite the presence of Gene Hackman doing a half-hearted "Unforgiven" reprisal. Notable ONLY for the early screen appearances of Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe.
11. "Bad Boys"(1995)
Will Smith and Martin Lawrence hitched a ride on the buddy cop bandwagon in this inexplicably popular Michael Bay production that contained all the future hallmarks of the director's shallow, bombastic style of vapid music video-like mayhem masquerading as entertainment.
 |
| "You're gonna have to fight another alien after this". |
12. "Copycat"(1995)
The talents of Sigourney Weaver and Holly Hunter couldn't save this derivative, aptly-titled serial killer thriller from unfavorable comparisons to the vastly superior "Seven" and "The Silence of the Lambs".
13. "Nick of Time"(1995)
A stone-cold Christopher Walken is the only plus in a lethargic thriller that plays out in real time(!) with little or no suspense, proving that Johnny Depp sucked plenty long before he sold his soul to Disney.
14. "The Crossing Guard"(1995)
Jack Nicholson was uncharacteristically ineffective under the unsteady direction of Sean Penn in this disappointing drama about a grieving father out for revenge on the drunk driver(David Morse) that killed his daughter.
15. "It Takes Two"(1995)
The Olson empire was built off the backs of eager-to-please parents and indiscriminate eight year old girls that just didn't know any better. Mary Kate and Ashley aggressively continued their cloying sitcom-style antics and it never should have been allowed to fly in a post-"Full House" world.
 |
| "I played Robin, ya know!" |
16. "The Chamber"(1996)
Gene Hackman's grizzled death row inmate couldn't salvage this second-rate Grisham flick OR make the bland, boyish blank slate known as Chris O'Donnell look like he belongs in the same frame as him.
17. "Jack"(1996)
Even die-hard fans of that late, great Robin Williams don't seem to have anything nice to say about this bewildering "Big" rip-off that was shockingly directed by the same man that gave us "The Godfather" and "Apocalypse Now"(Francis Ford Coppola, for any laymen out there).
18. "The Devil's Own"(1997)
Harrison Ford and Brad Pitt should have been a combustible, can't-miss pairing. Never underestimate the importance of a good script or a good Irish accent(sorry, Brad). Some excitement sure would've helped. Director Alan J. Pakula("All the President's Men") forgot some key ingredients in this anti-climactic superstar showdown.
19. "Addicted to Love"(1997)
Meg Ryan and Mathew Broderick are a pitiful pair conspiring to win back their exes. You'll wonder how they got them in the first place.
20. "The Jackal"(1997)
A villainous Bruce Willis periodically eased the pain of this dumb, routine remake of 1973's "The Day of the Jackal" as he squared off with Richard Gere for two tedious hours and four minutes.
21. "Great Expectations"(1998)
Keep your expectations low if you happen to come across Alfonso Cuaron's murky modernization of the Charles Dickens novel, because of a needless narration from Ethan Hawke and the fact that the only passion present in his romance with Gwyneth Paltrow can be found in the film's trailer. Not even a crazy De Niro extended cameo can inch me toward a recommendation.
22. "Message in a Bottle"(1999)
Kevin Costner carries on a sappy, slow-moving love affair with Robin Wright and puts the weepy works of Nicolas Sparks squarely on the map. In fairness, "Bottle" is one of the better movies on this list(R.I.P. Paul Newman), but don't mistake that for an endorsement.
23. "The Out of Towners"(1999)
Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn found themselves about seven years removed from their light-hearted heydays in this laugh-less, cringe-inducing remake of the 1970 Jack Lemmon comedy.
24. "The Story of Us"(1999)
Bruce Willis(no stranger to two star turkeys) and Michelle Pfeiffer(nearing the end of her radiant reign) break up and make up to the amusement of NO ONE in Rob Reiner's messy marriage deterrent that made "When Harry Met Sally..." look like a giant fluke.
25. "K-PAX"(2001)
The Oscar curse is real, just ask Kevin Spacey. This odious otherworldly visitor practically sums up his paltry post-"American Beauty" period that was startlingly devoid of worthwhile cinema. I couldn't wait for Scotty to beam him back up, while Jeff Bridges' sympathetic shrink belonged in a better movie.
26. "Sweet Home Alabama"(2002)
Will Reese Witherspoon's adorable Southern belle choose Patrick Dempsey's JFK Jr. wannabe or Josh Lucas' good ol' boy? The answer will be obvious to anyone that's ever seen a movie in this featherweight confection served up solely to further the "Legally Blonde" star's box office agenda.
27. "One Hour Photo"(2002)
Robin Williams made too many movies. I admired his creepy characterization of 'Cy the Photo Guy' much more than the vague, uneventful indie effort that it appeared in. "Taxi Driver" in a dark room, this is not.
 |
| "Sorry, Colin. They're saying it's Oliver Stone's worst movie". |
28. "Phone Booth"(2003)
Colin Farrell never really clicked with the movie-going masses despite having the Hollywood hype machine firmly behind him in the early '00s. Joel Schumacher's gimmicky thriller didn't help the cause, and will make you glad that phone booths(and his directing career) are a thing of the past.
29. "Along Came Polly"(2004)
Ben Stiller exhausted his put-upon persona in a year that made me regret my earlier support("Envy", "Starsky & Hutch") with a series of strained, desperate gross-out gags that should have been enough to deny Jennifer Aniston a movie career.
30. "Welcome to Mooseport"(2004)
Why, Gene, why? Hackman chose to call it a career after FIFTY years in front of the camera opposite Ray "I'm not a movie star" Romano in this weak, utterly forgettable comedy.
31. "The Family Stone"(2005)
Sarah Jessica Parker parlayed her "Sex and the City" success into a rather dubious big screen run which included(along with two "Sex" movies) this uncomfortable family reunion that tries the tricky balance of comedy AND drama, failing dismally at both.
32. "The Sentinel"(2006)
Why doesn't Hollywood know how to produce quality moderately-budgeted thrillers anymore? Throw "The Fugitive" and "In the Line of Fire" into a blender and add some dog shit and you've got Michael Douglas' aging Secret Service agent running from Kiefer Sutherland in this tiresome trip to the cliché factory.
 |
| "Would it have killed you to do Speed 2?" |
33. "The Lake House"(2006)
Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock exchange boring letters in this lifeless romantic drama that's not nearly as enjoyable as watching "Sleepless In Seattle" for the millionth time or watching the two stars have lunch together on the set.
34. "We Own the Night"(2007)
Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg own nothing as NYC brothers on opposite sides of the law in this clumsy crime drama that just didn't need to be made when so many stronger, similarly-plotted films already exist(ahem, "The Departed").
35. "Cheri"(2009)
Michelle Pfeiffer does some blatant Oscar baiting in this tepid period piece that lacks all the energy and electricity of her previous collaboration with "Dangerous Liasons" director Stephen Frears.
36. "Edge of Darkness"(2010)
I was immediately struck by how terrible a 53 year old Mel Gibson looked as a retired cop trying to solve his daughter's murder in his deadly-dull "comeback" vehicle whose title eerily preceded the once-mighty star's VERY public/private meltdown.
37. "Hot Tub Time Machine"(2010)
We're a LONG way away from Doc Brown's Delorean. Heck, I'll take Bill & Ted's phone booth over the foul foursome featured in this crass, crude comedy that(save for John Cusack) returned for an even more offensive and unwarranted 2015 sequel.
38. "Salt"(2010)
Angelina Jolie makes Sarah Connor look like Mary Poppins as an indestructible secret agent(yawn) in this non-franchise starter loaded with ludicrously OTT action and lazy spy movie tropes.
39. "Just Go with It"(2011)
I can't 'just go' with Adam Sandler, because I have a working brain and I always hate myself after I make the mistake of doing so. Jen Aniston will go with just about anybody(onscreen, that is).
40. "Larry Crowne"(2011)
Don't Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts look like they're having fun pretending to ride that motorized scooter? They were the only ones that enjoyed Tom's middle-aged adventures in college that seemed to indicate that the Hanks' brand of wholesomeness may have finally reached it's expiration date.
41. "Bad Teacher"(2011)
As of this writing, Cameron Diaz is the biggest box office actress of all time. If that doesn't bother you, it should.
42. "New Year's Eve"(2011)
I guarantee that the negotiations and scheduling meetings that took place to lock down the dozen-or-so stars that agreed to appear in Garry Marshall's sequel to his equally egregious "Valentine's Day" were infinitely more interesting and watchable than anything that happened in the film itself.
43. "To Rome with Love"(2012)
I don't recall any applause, only deafening silence in the empty theater in which I viewed this slight, scattershot Woody Allen effort that proves the bespectacled, workaholic writer-director could really benefit from a break every now and then.
44. "Bullet to the Head"(2013)
As a red-blooded, heterosexual American male over the age of 30, I feel a strong obligation to support the works of Sylvester Stallone. He makes that really difficult at least 80% of the time.
45. "Escape Plan"(2013)
See what I mean? Stallone and Schwarzenegger's prison break would have SURELY topped the box office for at least three weeks. IN 1990.
46. "Last Vegas"(2013)
Speaking of team-ups that took place about twenty years too late, Robert De Niro, Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman and Kevin Kline all used to get Academy voters to sit up and take notice in a previous cinematic age, but even the most undemanding viewers will have a hard time getting through this lame, geriatric version of "The Hangover".
47. "Sex Tape"(2014)
Sex tapes are never a good idea. Neither was this witless comedy in which Jason Segel gets naked again(ha, ha) and Cameron Diaz shamelessly collects another undeserved $15-20 million paycheck.
48. "The Judge"(2014)
Hey, RDJ, next time you get the urge to make a 'serious' movie with the likes of Robert Duvall, maybe get someone OTHER than the director of "Wedding Crashers".
49. "Inherent Vice"(2014)
Memo to Paul Thomas Anderson- You can't DELIBERATELY make a cult movie. That's something that just happens. I'm still not sure what Joaquin Phoenix's hippie/stoner 1970s detective was doing half the time, but I know what he DIDN'T do and that's entertain me.
50. "Focus"(2015)
Will Smith is a con man and the public is finally catching on, as evidenced by the lukewarm response to this twisty, criminally far-fetched caper, that's only occasionally livened by the presence of sexy sidekick Margot Robbie.
No comments:
Post a Comment