R.I.P. Gene Wilder 1933-2016

   Comedy legend Gene Wilder passed away yesterday at age 83 due to complications from Alzheimer's, a condition he kept from his legions of fans(including many small children) that he did not wish to upset. Gene stayed curiously out of the spotlight in his senior years. If you're under the age of 30, you probably only know him for the pristine image pictured here. His Willy Wonka is immortalized as the centerpiece of one of the great live-action family films(and there was nothing Tim Burton and Johnny Depp could do about it), but there's more to the man than that kooky candy-maker. He was Mel Brooks' muse, and was one half of Hollywood's
first interracial tag team with Richard Pryor. The mismatched pair paved the way for so many other dissimilar duos that it became easy to forget where it all began. It's about time you found out.

   Wilder was born Jerome Silberman to working-class parents in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. A 13 year old Gene, enthralled by his sister's stage acting, made the fateful decision to follow in her footsteps when he sought the guidance of her drama teacher. As a teenager he became increasingly involved in his local theater community, performing for the first time in a production of Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet", before graduating from high school in 1951. After college and a three-year stint in the Army, he moved to New York and resumed his showbiz aspirations. A name change and acceptance into Lee Strasburg's legendary Actors Studio(where Charles Grodin was a classmate) made him a fixture on the off-Broadway scene. A 30 year old Wilder met Mel Brooks in 1963. The popular playwright had multiple projects in mind, and promised to enlist Gene for a future collaboration. His big break into movies occurred as a hapless hostage in 1967's "Bonnie and Clyde", Arthur Penn's game-changing crime drama that launched the careers of Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway. Brooks finally came calling for "The Producers", a cult comedy that scored Wilder a Best Supporting Actor Oscar nomination in 1968.

   "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory" needs no introduction in 2016, but this Roald Dahl delight didn't make as much dough as you think in 1971. It took the cable/VHS era to get every kid in the country into that factory filled with Oompa Loompas a full decade later. Success would be much more immediate in the case of "Blazing Saddles" and "Young Frankenstein". The reputation of Mel Brooks rests almost entirely with his two 1974 triumphs, and Gene is a big reason for that. Wilder suggested that edgy stand-up sensation Richard Pryor should be his costar in 1976's "Silver Streak". The bathroom scene alone ensured that this wouldn't be a one-time meeting of cinema's most contrasting comedians. Four years later, "Stir Crazy"(directed by Sidney Poitier) put the odd couple in the clink and was an even bigger hit.

   Wilder's popularity had him working steadily in studio comedies with considerable creative control throughout the 1980s- "Hanky Panky", "The Woman in Red", "Haunted Honeymoon", "See No Evil, Hear No Evil". But Leonard Nimoy's "Funny About Love" and "Another You"(his fourth and final outing with Pryor) both bombed in the early '90s. An NBC sitcom titled "Something Wilder" lasted only one season in 1994-95. Perhaps realizing that age was an issue and that his style of comedy had passed it's expiration date, Gene was rarely seen onscreen for the last twenty-plus years. He came out of semi-retirement in 2003 for two episodes of TV's "Will & Grace"(for which he won an Emmy), but was otherwise content with the legacy of laughs he left behind. Thanks for the Golden Ticket, Gene.





Complete filmography(22 films in total, the highly successful ones are darkened)

"Bonnie and Clyde"(1967)
"The Producers"(1968)
"Start the Revolution Without Me"(1970)
"Quackser Fortune Has a Cousin in the Bronx"(1970)
"Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory"(1971)
"Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex*(But Were Afraid To Ask"(1972)
"Rhinoceros"(1974)
"Blazing Saddles"(1974)
"The Little Prince"(1975)
"Young Frankenstein"(1974)
"The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother"(1975)
"Silver Streak"(1976)
"The World's Greatest Lover"(1977)
"The Frisco Kid"(1979)
"Sunday Lovers"(1980)
"Stir Crazy"(1980)
"Hanky Panky"(1982)
"The Woman in Red"(1984)
"Haunted Honeymoon"(1986)
"See No Evil, Hear No Evil"(1989)
"Funny About Love"(1990)
"Another You"(1991)

August 1996- The Worst Movie Month Ever?

   It's recently come to my attention that August 1996 was an exceptionally mediocre movie month. If you're under age 30, you probably have no memory of the summer of "Independence Day". Roland Emmerich's FX-laden extravaganza was a phenomenon and the sixth highest-grossing film of the 1990s(behind "Titanic", "The Phantom Menace", "Jurassic Park", "Forrest Gump", and "The Lion King") out of approximately 3,022 releases. Competition was soft, however. None of the films featured here posed a threat to the rollicking rise of Will Smith. A jubilant Jeff Goldblum got a good laugh whenever he looked at the weekly box office results. Needless to say, President Bill Pullman had the best summer of his life.

   Now there have been plenty of bad movie months throughout history, but Aug '96 was particularly putrid as you're about to learn. Danny DeVito's "Matilda" is the only winner in this sorry slate. I can give Kevin Costner's "Tin Cup" and "A Very Brady Sequel" a pass if I'm having a good day. My generosity won't be extended to any of the terrible titles listed below. Now let's go back in time to when Clinton(Bill) was fighting to remain in the White House and I didn't really mind going back to school.

"Chain Reaction"(1996)
Keanu Reeves didn't make his ten-year transition from Ted Logan to Neo as smoothly as you all think. I know, "Point Break" was an awesome apprenticeship and "Speed" seemed to seal the deal in '94. But we're lucky 'Bullet time' happened at all, in the wake of "Johnny Mnemonic" and this Andrew Davis dud. A shaggy-haired Reeves almost rejected action star status after being uncomfortably cast as a student machinist framed for murder. I never really believed that Keanu could crack the code on clean energy. He'd be lost in a laboratory, while Morgan Freeman gives an early indication that he's not opposed to a paycheck(Red is a sellout, face the facts). Davis delivers dull, formulaic chase scenes as we slowly come to the realization that "The Fugitive" was a fluke. "Chain Reaction" barely broke even, and a disenchanted Reeves subsequently passed on "Speed 2: Cruise Control"(a LITERAL chain reaction).

"Jack"(1996)
Even die-hard fans of deceased funnyman Robin Williams don't have anything nice to say about this bewildering "Big" rip-off that was shockingly directed by the same guy that gave us "The Godfather"(Frances Ford Coppola, for any laymen out there). Robin's hyperactivity had it's drawbacks, as he poured his restless energy into far too many projects unworthy of his presence("Toys", anyone?). His man-child Jack has a rare condition causing him to age four times faster than average, an odd set-up unsuitable for light-hearted laughs. That's a 26 year old Jennifer Lopez in her second major role as his improbably attractive teacher. If this film contributed to her rapid rise, that's just one more reason to hate it(Bill Cosby doesn't do any favors going forward either). "Jack" turned a tiny profit, but a castrated Coppola was done with high-profile studio films. Sadly, it was about fifteen years after most audiences were done with him.

"Escape from L.A."(1996)
Speaking of fifteen years, that's how long it took for Kurt Russell and John Carpenter to produce a sequel to their 1981 cult hit "Escape from New York". This duo greatly overestimated the public's affection for Snake Plissken, and learned the hard way that this shit needs to be done in a timely fashion(Indy and Rambo BOTH got trilogies in the '80s). The action and FX in "L.A." just didn't cut it in 1996. Heck, this wouldn't have cut it IN 1986. Kurt was cool, but he never quite reached the A-list level of Cruise, Costner, and Gibson, and 1998's "Soldier" would remove him from the equation entirely. "Escape" embarrassingly recouped only half of it's $50 million budget, sliding Carpenter further into irrelevance. The "Halloween" director seems to have a loyal fan-base, too bad they don't buy movie tickets.

"The Fan"(1996)
Tony Scott was a visual poet and an unapologetic populist that cared little about awards. Most moviegoers don't care either, and "Top Gun" and "True Romance" was enough to put this bombastic Brit in the hall of fame. However, Ridley's younger brother did strike out on occasion. This ludicrous thriller finds Robert De Niro's unhinged knife salesman/baseball fanatic developing an unhealthy fixation on his favorite slugger Wesley Snipes. Bobby D can play an obsessive psychopath in his sleep, and perhaps this was the precise point that we all got a little tired of it. "The Fan" failed to fill up the stands, but Scott's trademark polish has made it is a guilty pleasure for the late night channel surfer.

"The Island of Dr. Moreau"(1996)
Marlon Brando is often called the greatest actor of all time. Agree or disagree, the man was a genius. But sometime after "Apocalypse Now", he stopped caring about acting. Completely. This John Frankenheimer fiasco presented an aging, bloated Brando in THE most unflattering light. Val Kilmer(hot off "Heat" and "Batman Forever") may have killed his leading man aspirations in a well-documented battle of on-set egos with his legendary costar. A scheduled six week shoot stretched to six months, with bad weather, constant script rewrites and an unhappy cast/crew turning the production into an unmitigated disaster. "Dr. Moreau" is one of the worst movies I've ever seen, a conclusion I don't come to lightly.

"House Arrest"(1996)
Jamie Lee Curtis and Kevin Pollak are a divorcing couple locked in the basement by their kids until they can reach a reconciliation. Eventually, ALL the kids in the neighborhood start locking their parents in the basement(I presume the exec that dusted off this screenplay was promptly fired). It never ceases to amaze me how some movies get made. The late, great Gene Siskel loathed this alleged comedy, giving it zero stars(I miss that man). A $7 million budget shouldn't have been that hard to recover. "Arrest" couldn't even manage that. Director Harry Winer(?) was banished to television as a result. This film is totally forgotten and deservedly so, but if the CIA is in need of more enhanced interrogation methods, I have a few suggestions.

"First Kid"(1996)
Any Sinbad fans out there? Didn't think so. The clean-cut comic is a wisecracking Secret Service agent assigned to the President's temperamental preteen son. This script was probably used to wipe the ass of one of the Wayans brothers. "Kid" is lame sitcom stuff, and the public treated it accordingly. The next time you're feeling nostalgic about the '90s, remember Sinbad's name was above the title a couple times.

"The Stupids"(1996)
Tom Arnold stars as Stanley Stupid(need I say more?). This shite was shoveled into theaters by the director of "Coming to America", "Trading Places", and "National Lampoon's Animal House". John Landis looked like he was laying down a legacy with that trifecta. He then trashed it in a self-destructive seven-year stretch that included "Oscar", "Beverly Hills Cop III", and "Blues Brothers 2000". Those three films and his ill-advised alliance with Arnold arguably did more damage to his rep than the "Twilight Zone" incident. James Cameron's "True Lies" briefly had us convinced that Roseanne's ex-husband was a viable comic talent. Two years later, he would hold the dubious distinction of appearing in three of the worst comedies ever released in a calendar year("Big Bully" was atrocious, while it would be redundant to discuss "Carpool" which also crashed and burned in Aug). Now I won't take up any more of your time(or mine) discussing this fat fuck's foul filmography. That would be stupid.

Franchise Review- Ghostbusters

   The wait is nearly over, and this weekend marks the release of the most controversial movie of the summer. Girl ghostbusters? As an aging, sexist fan-boy averse to sunlight, I'm not gonna stand for this. The trailer holds the dubious distinction of being the most disliked in YouTube history. The online outrage has been palpable. A movie about the tortured two-decade development of 'Ghostbusters III' would probably be more entertaining than anything Hollywood could come up with at this point. Kristin Wiig and company have much more than just a ghost apocalypse to overcome as the new guardians of a 32 year old franchise that every male in my age group has cherished since grade school. The ever-optimistic Dan Aykroyd thinks this is a new beginning for the 'busters. He also thought that "Nothing But Trouble" and "Coneheads" qualified as entertainment, so maybe Ray Stantz is just getting carried away.

   I was all ready to hate this movie. I had a negative review written in my head a year ago. I never thought I'd say this, but these women won me over. Why can't females fight ghosts(a completely fake occupation btw)? Resistance to such a notion is merely kneejerk sexism that shouldn't still be lingering around in 2016, and this planet will be a much better place when it isn't. I thought Ellen Ripley and Sarah Connor crashed through that glass ceiling a long time ago. Trust me, you didn't want to see Seth Rogen chasing apparitions. Ben Stiller didn't belong in that khaki-colored jumpsuit either. That's what a pass-the-torch-type scenario with the old guys would've looked like. Things worked out for the best.

  Before I delve any further into this female-centric CGI fest, we have to go back to where it all began. My mother put together a Ghostbusters Halloween costume when I was six years old that made me the envy of my first grade class. You're about to understand why.

"Ghostbusters"(1984)
SNL original and all-around paranormal enthusiast Dan Aykroyd started working on a script in 1982 that would reunite him with blues brother John Belushi and hopefully replicate the success of the 1980 hit that made them both big screen players. Sadly, Belushi died of a drug overdose that very same year, but Aykroyd's ideas were too good to discard. Enter Harold Ramis, the unsung SCTV vet and director of "Vacation" and "Caddyshack", to smooth out the rough edges of Danny's supernatural screenplay. Ramis rightly believed that the film would be better, funnier and far less expensive if the ghost-hunting happened in present-day NY rather than a fictional city a hundred years in the future, a sentiment shared by "Stripes" director Ivan Reitman(now also on board). It's ironic that the man most closely identified with the whole enterprise arrived late to the party, but Bill Murray(stepping into Belushi's vacant role) perfected his sarcastic-slacker shtick as the team's de-facto leader Peter Venkman, becoming a bonafide movie star in the process(a position he has yet to relinquish). "Alien" star Sigourney Weaver increased her stature as his reluctant love interest Dana Barrett and Rick Moranis rises the laugh quotient as the nerdy neighbor nearly played by John Candy.

   "GB" was a genuine phenomenon in the summer of '84 that topped the box office for ten non-consecutive weeks(that DOESN'T happen today), besting such towering titles as "Gremlins", "The Karate Kid", and "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom". Ray Parker Jr.'s theme song("Who Ya Gonna Call?") was inescapable, and a popular animated series would add to the omnipresence. Reitman achieved moments that are ACTUALLY scary as we're hurled toward that high-rise showdown with Gozer("The Exorcist" meets "Saturday Night Live" was an apt early description). Film comedy doesn't come any more iconic than this.

"Ghostbusters II"(1989)
It took five years to get the band back together because they never planned on a sequel. Columbia Pictures basically DEMANDED one in 1988, after tiring of the group's inability to swiftly follow-up on one of the decade's biggest crowd-pleasers. Studio mandates rarely lead to artistic triumph, and "GBII" would become one of the more divisive sequels ever created. Murray has voiced his displeasure with what ended up being little more than a remake of the era-defining 1984 smash. This clearly illustrates the eternal dilemma with sequels. We want them to be the same, but different. "Back to the Future Part II" figured it out, "Ghostbusters" didn't. With that being said, this movie is still a lot of fun. It's got an evil painting and a pink river of slime and most importantly, it's got Peter, Ray, Egon and Winston(let's hear some love for Ernie Hudson!) running around NYC in proton packs. We wouldn't ever get to see that again.

   "II" was sandwiched in between "Batman" and "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"(the two highest-grossing films of the year) during the ultra-competitive summer of '89. It managed a healthy $112 million, but was a far cry from the first film's dominant $220 million domestic performance. The Statue of Liberty didn't have the staying power of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, and the general consensus was that they simply waited too long to fully capitalize on the(mass)hysteria(a sequel would've surely generated more money and interest in 1986 or '87). Nevertheless, both films took up permanent residence on cable and Murray is the ONLY reason a third installment failed to materialize with the original crew(the hipster god fancied himself a serious actor, and occasionally was). It certainly wasn't for a lack of trying. Ramis' death in 2014 would ultimately lead to a full reboot, but nobody could have foreseen what form that would take.

"Ghostbusters"(2016)
Wait a minute, is that four chicks standing outside the Ecto-1? That's a lot of estrogen for a summer tentpole. "Bridesmaids" director Paul Feig enlisted that film's two stars when he got the call that sent the internet into an uproar. These talented women cured my hyper-masculinity and silenced my inner eight year old and should do the same to anyone with an open mind. I didn't leave the theater covered in slime. We didn't need Walter Peck to shut this thing down. Kristin Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon(a consistent scene-stealer) and Leslie Jones create likable characters with distinct personalities and gel effortlessly as a team. Chris Hemsworth's himbo receptionist was a good hire, and plays an integral role in the FX-heavy finale(admit it, the effects in the first two were never great). Murray, Aykroyd, Hudson, Weaver and Annie Potts all pop up in cameos to show their support. The filmmakers obviously respect their 1984 inspiration very much.

   I say give these girls a sequel. And a cartoon show. They earned it. "Ghostbusters" isn't as sacred as this project's stubborn detractors would have you believe anyway. It's not some vast universe with limitless possibilities like "Star Wars" or "Star Trek"(not YET anyway). It's creators weren't really interested in unlocking the true potential of the original premise and expanding the(paranormal) world. Maybe Feig's female foursome or another future group will be. What I'm trying to say is that "GB" fans should be happy. This brand is no longer dormant. Even if I'm reaching, we should all rejoice in the fact that this film isn't the childhood-crushing cataclysm that nostalgia-junkies were prophesizing like guests on Venkman's short-lived talk show. Go watch "Ghostbusters II" for the hundredth time if you don't like these ladies. I've answered the call.

Updated- Nov 2021

Director Jason Reitman proves that there is life after reviled reboots in his "Force Awakens"-style relaunch of his father's beloved property. The polarizing 2016 film has been swept under the rug, in favor of a legacy threequel that attempts to honor and extend the original story more than three decades later. Egon Spengler's grandkids(McKenna Grace, Finn Wolfhard) are our teen protagonists for an Oklahoma-set showdown with Gozer and Zuul, a cross-generational Crossing of the Streams, if you will. Paul Rudd's easy charm probably brought more than a few Marvel fans onboard, as a cool science teacher that remembers how eerie New York was in the '80s.

60 Movies That Suck Dick Vol. 2

   You CAN'T watch every movie, it's impossible, and there's no reason you should want to. For every "Titanic", there's twenty titles that you don't want to go anywhere near. For every "Pulp Fiction", there's forty pieces of shit floating around the cinematic cesspool that nobody should ever go swimming in. Many of these movies have been rightly ridiculed since their release, others have been unearthed like dinosaur bones to remind you just how bad it can get. All of these films were approved by some guy in a suit whose supposedly smarter than us and makes A LOT more money(I want you as pissed off as I am). Here is my list of 60 MORE movies that suck dick in the order that they were shoveled into theaters.

1. "Better Off Dead"(1985)
Remember when teen suicide was funny? Me neither. Let's remove our rose-colored nostalgia glasses when it comes to John Cusack and Reagan-era high school movies that aren't "Ferris Bueller" or "The Breakfast Club".

2. "Pirates"(1986)
It's extremely rare for an expensive effort from a top-tier filmmaker to vanish without a trace. Well, that's exactly what happened to this shipwrecked shit-fest that left me wishing Roman Polanski had been apprehended by U.S. authorities. A woefully miscast Walter Matthau stars as a scruffy seafarer that gave me a much deeper respect for Johnny Depp.

3. "Malone"(1987)
Burt Reynolds and his hairpiece jump on the '80s action bandwagon in this long-forgotten flop that failed to restore his rapidly-dwindling fan-base. Stallone lost no sleep.

4,5. "Hellraiser", "Hellbound: Hellraiser II"(1987, 1988)
Horror buffs may hate me, but here goes- "Hellraiser" blows. I've seen hell, and it's a midnight marathon of these horrendous flicks. Go to bed, pinhead.

6. "My Stepmother Is an Alien"(1988)
Has anyone ever littered the cinematic landscape with more lousy comedies than Dan Aykroyd? My extensive research reveals that the answer is 'no'. A prime Kim Basinger couldn't even make this dreck digestible.

7. "Red Scorpion"(1989)
Ivan Drago was fun and all, but it didn't grant Dolph Lundgren permission to punish audiences indefinitely. Somehow, the public's complete rejection of this rancid "Rambo" re-dux didn't call off plans to position the monotone mauler into a poor man's Arnold Schwarzenegger.

8. "Johnny Handsome"(1989)
"48 Hrs." director Walter Hill's wonky crime drama is every bit as ugly as Mickey Rourke's deformed revenge-seeking convict. "Handsome" hasn't been watched by anyone other than me in this century, and I take no pride in that.

9. "Ernest Goes to Jail"(1990)
Ernest is finally where he belongs, I just wish we could have kept him there. If producing infantile garbage was a crime, Jim Varney's backwoods buffoon would've surely been on death row.

10. "The Bonfire of the Vanities"(1990)
How does a movie based on a bestseller, starring Tom Hanks, Bruce Willis and Morgan Freeman with Brian De Palma in the director's chair, turn into a nearly unwatchable disaster? An entire book was written in search of the answer.

11. "Drop Dead Fred"(1991)
Is there a more loathsome character in the annals of cinema than Phoebe Cates' foul imaginary friend(Rik Mayall)? I apologize for reminding you of him, but now you know why the "Ridgemont High" hottie's career died.

12. "Double Impact"(1991)
Look, it's TWO Jean-Claude Van Dammes and neither one of them can act. The Muscles from Brussels bludgeoned us with a string of vacuous vehicles that should've went straight-to-video. His "Impact" felt like a spinning back kick to the face.

13. "Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man"(1991)
Mickey Rourke(I swear, I don't hate the guy!) and Don Johnson trade tough-guy taunts and little else as outlaw biker buds in this embarrassing bomb that put the breaks on both of these would-be leading men. Every single copy of this movie should be given away for free with a beer purchase at 7/11.

14. "Toys"(1992)
I don't recall this obnoxiously-overproduced, nauseatingly-colorful calamity getting mentioned in any of those Robin Williams' tributes. The late funnyman fumbled as a wack-ass Willy Wonka wannabe in an ill-fated reunion with his "GMV" director Barry Levinson. No child in America wanted his toys under the tree.

15. "Body of Evidence"(1993)
Madonna completely dispels the notion that she's a halfway decent actress in this "Basic Instinct" clone that I suffered through on a sleepless night of unnecessary channel-surfing. Only a masochist(me) would stick around for the obvious reveal that she DID intend to kill her rich, elderly lover in a frenzied bout of rough sex.

16. "Death Wish V: The Face of Death"(1994)
A 72 year old Charles Bronson(appearing only in close-ups) just had to kill more bad guys in his FIFTH go-around as vengeful vigilante Paul Kersey. To say that the public no longer cared would be an understatement. The non-existent box office and 0% on RT made this one pitiful swan song.

17. "Camp Nowhere"(1994)
Christopher Lloyd's crazy camp counselor was totally ignored at the ticket counter and deservedly so. I wish the man that gave us Doc Brown hadn't sold his services to so much bottom-of-the-barrel kiddie crap.

18. "Johnny Mnemonic"(1995)
This sci-fi shite is the reason I was in no rush to see "The Matrix" in '99. Keanu Reeves' futuristic "mnemonic courier" was clearly designed to be a summer smash, and was anything but. "Johnny" has been justifiably dumped from our long-term memories.

19. "Sudden Death"(1995)
JCVD must foil a terrorist takeover of the Stanley Cup Finals, while we're asked to pretend we didn't already see three "Die Hard" movies. John McClane's adventures made this derivative dross easy to dismiss.

20. "Big Bully"(1996)
Rick Moranis called it a career after being reduced to lame exchanges with an antagonistic Tom Arnold("True Lies" was a fluke) that would be deemed unacceptable on a low-grade sitcom in this soul-crushing 'comedy'.

21. "Boys"(1996)
The pathetic gross($516,000) of this slight Gen-X dramady indicated to me with much certainty that the pixie dream girl appeal of Winona Ryder was very likely to end with the 1990s.

22. "D3: The Mighty Ducks"(1996)
These Disney brats could've learned a thing or two from the Bad News Bears before suiting up for this third installment that nobody asked for. When Emilio Estevez ducks out, maybe it's time to retire. His hockey hellions got shut-out for wearing out their welcome.

23. "Vegas Vacation"(1997)
Sin City has never been less enticing. I can't blame Chevy Chase and company for wanting to roll the dice one last time, but the house always wins. In this case, we all lose.

24. "Fire Down Below"(1997)
Steven Seagal subjected us to one lazy actioner after another until we put our collective foot down. The Aikido expert starred in twelve theatrically-released productions(assuring his lifelong wealth) before Hollywood pulled the plug, and he did it with one facial expression and zero acting lessons.

25. "Jack Frost"(1998)
We can laugh about it now, but Michael Keaton's post-Batman career turned ice-cold, courtesy of a reincarnated snowman in this Christmas catastrophe that reversed all of his "Beetlejuice" goodwill. It took him about fifteen years to get thawed out.

26. "My Favorite Martian"(1999)
Christopher Lloyd(wrapping up his celluloid run) and Jeff Daniels(possibly ruing his role in "Dumb & Dumber") should be ashamed of themselves for this needless revival of the 1960s TV show.

27. "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle"(2000)
Often cited as the nadir of Robert De Niro's five decade-long, 100 film-strong career, the childish "R&B" would sadly be a sign of things to come for the formerly-intense two time Oscar winner whose career-making collaborations with Martin Scorsese now seem like a distant memory.

28. "Little Nicky"(2000)
A list like this just wouldn't be complete without an entry from Adam Sandler. His annual assault on cinemagoers went on unabated well into the new millennium. How has his aggressive idiocy been tolerated for so long?

29. "3000 Miles to Graceland"(2001)
Kurt Russell and Kevin Costner must have been reminiscing about the days when they were both really cool, because nobody was thinking that after suffering through this pile of excrement about criminal Elvis impersonators. This heist tries hard to be hip, too bad Tarantino was nowhere to be found.

30. "Town & Country"(2001)
The biggest blunder that you're blissfully unaware of, this odious adult relationship comedy lost close to $100 million and effectively ended the screen careers of Goldie Hawn and Warren Beatty back when they could still command superstar salaries. Endless script rewrites and runaway egos transformed the seemingly modest "T&C" into a colossal cautionary tale.

31. "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider"(2001)
A nubile, 25 year old Angelina Jolie couldn't even make this video game vixen worthy of an hour and forty minutes of my most bored day off. She's a female Indiana Jones, minus the entertainment value. "Croft" is more akin to Pam Anderson's "Barb Wire", despite a sequel and a deceptively strong bottom line.

32. "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever"(2002)
Antonio Banderas battled Lucy Liu to the amusement of absolutely NO ONE in this ridiculous debacle that swiftly became the most derided film of 2002. If the goal of Thai director Kaos(?) was to take some of the heat off "Battlefield Earth" and "Freddy Got Fingered", he succeeded.

33. "Gigli"(2003)
What would you say if I told you that the infamous, universally-reviled flick that united Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez isn't even close to being the worst movie on this list?

34. "New York Minute"(2004)
It took only one minute to figure out that the 18 year old Olsen twins weren't making the transition into adult actresses. Even their teenybopper fan-base knew better than to run around NYC with the talentless tabloid-friendly twosome. My (unborn)daughter won't know anything about this dreadful duo.

35. "Catwoman"(2004)
What more needs to be said about the worst comic book movie of all time(yeah, I said it)? Halle Berry added a Razzie to her resume, and French director Pitof was banned from the film industry for life. Couldn't they have AT LEAST gotten the costume right? Tim Burton and Michelle Pfeiffer sure dodged a bullet.

36. "Exorcist: The Beginning"(2004)
For "Exorcist" fans, this putrid prequel WASN'T the beginning, it was the bitter end for a franchise that shouldn't have been. Director Renny Harlin was hired to squeeze a few more bucks out of "the scariest movie ever made", and took a nasty dump on it instead.

37. "The Man"(2005)
$am Jackson just couldn't turn down the paycheck attached to this painfully unfunny buddy flick in which his badass cop clashes with the timid Eugene Levy. I'm no studio exec or anything, but when your movie is 83 minutes long and the jokes are all twenty years old, guess what? YOU DON'T HAVE A MOVIE.

38. "The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift"(2006)
I don't know how the wheels didn't fall off the "Fast" franchise with this dire third entry, they call it quits after crud like this where I come from. Lucas Black left me yearning for the talents of Paul Walker, while Vin Diesel drops by to give gearheads a hard-on. Gentleman, please STOP your engines.

39. "Just My Luck"(2006)
Lindsey Lohan's luck run out before she was old enough to drink(not that that ever stopped her). Let's consider ourselves lucky that the redhead train wreck's(now-revoked) movie star status was mercifully short-lived.

40. "The Quiet"(2006)
Theaters were awfully quiet while this murky melodrama was playing(nobody was in them). It's hard to tell if this sibling rivalry was meant to be taken seriously, based on such utterly incompetent filmmaking. Elisha Cuthbert, if you're reading this, I'm sorry, let's talk about it.

41. "The Condemned"(2007)
Pro wrestling legend 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin scowls his way through this noisy, aptly-titled rip-off of "The Running Man"(which is NO classic btw) that couldn't even please the most undemanding action fans. Unskillfully directed by Scott Wiper(LOL!).

42. "Meet Dave"(2008)
Eddie Murphy is back in "Pluto Nash" territory in another terrible 'family' offering that got offed by "The Dark Knight" at the summer '08 box office, sliding the former comedic kingpin further into irrelevance.

43. "Passion Play"(2010)
Mickey Rourke came back down to Earth thanks to a winged Megan Fox(don't ask) in this ignominious indie that also features a generously-coiffed Bill Murray as a gangster villain named 'Happy' Shannon.

44. "Drive Angry"(2011)
'Angry' isn't a strong enough word to describe my feelings toward Nick Cage. Even casual observers know that the cash-strapped clown is an affront to quality cinema. Too bad he's box office poison, and hasn't turned down a thing since before we knew who Barack Obama was. Maybe he'll quit 'acting' if we all donate a dollar.

45. "Red State"(2011)
Kevin Smith couldn't even recoup a meager $4 million budget with this feeble tale of Christian fundamentalists that proved the jersey-wearing jackass is equally inept when it comes to cheap horror as he is with costly comedies.

46. "The Big Wedding"(2013)
Look at this cast(or the top half specifically). Somebody should have to give back an Oscar. I KNOW you didn't see "The Big Wedding". This is one invitation the whole world lost in the mail. In fact, it may be THE worst film that Robert De Niro, or any of his cruelly-cackling co-conspirators, have EVER appeared in.

47. "Spring Breakers"(2013)
James Franco was starting to look legit, before he donned dreadlocks and launched a coed crime spree in this offensive trash that I can't see appealing to anyone that isn't dangerously depraved and/or mentally challenged. Director Harmony Korine should never be allowed behind a camera again.

48. "Transcendence"(2014)
There's NOTHING transcendent about the 2010s version of Johnny Depp. The aging heavyweight heartthrob looks every bit as miserable in this pointless and pretentious sci-fi folly as the eight people that made the mistake of watching it.

49. "Boulevard"(2014)
The late, great Robin Williams wrapped up his movie career with a whimper, "Night at the Museum" trilogy aside. It's a shame he had to die to become popular again, and a bigger shame that his last starring role, as a closeted homosexual, couldn't rise above the level of a lethargic Lifetime movie.

50. "Let's Be Cops"(2014)
Uhh, let's NOT be cops. Let's read a book or get a hobby or call a loved one and stop funding all this depressingly dumb dog shit.

51. "No Good Deed"(2014)
I see no evidence that Idris Elba is Denzel Washington's successor(as some misleading media might have us believe) in this thoroughly predictable and unpleasant thriller. It sounds like a lot of empty hype for a guy that has yet to headline anything worth my time.

52. "Tusk"(2014)
An undeterred Kevin Smith continues his quest to become the world's worst horror director in this demented and disgusting dud that I won't dignify with a plot description. This is something for stoners to stumble upon at 2 a.m., and they won't even like it.

53. "The Wedding Ringer"(2015)
Kevin Hart remains on my hit list and that's where he'll stay for the for-seeable future. If this talky twerp is the new face of comedy, then I must be a humorless asshole because his inane antics have yet to produce a smile.

54. "Mortdecai"(2015)
Is Johnny Depp trying to terminate his career? Or does he actually think that a moustache and an accent are funny?? Captain Jack's once-reliable brand of I-don't-care quirkiness is officially off-putting.

55. "The Boy Next Door"(2015)
Jennifer Lopez only makes movies for her female fans and I sincerely hope you're not one of them. That would mean you paid to see a poorly-acted and absurd knock-off of "Fatal Attraction" nearly thirty years after the fact, and are not currently putting your brain to much use.

56. "Taken 3"(2015)
Liam Neeson TAKES more of your money and gives back the worst possible remake of "The Fugitive" in return. We've paid a heavy price for embracing Bryan Mills with a wholly unwarranted "Taken" trilogy and Neeson's increasingly intolerable status as an unlikely action 'icon'.

57. "Hot Tub Time Machine 2"(2015)
Someone get me a time machine and set it for when every studio comedy didn't feel like a threat to humanity. All I wanted to see was these three stooges drown in their stupid hot tub, maybe that would have sold some tickets.

58. "Point Break"(2015)
There's only ONE "Point Break" and it stars Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze(google it, you teen twats). I hesitate to even acknowledge the nameless male models in this regrettable remake other than to say they got slayed by "Star Wars: The Force Awakens".

59. "Zoolander 2"(2016)
Sorry, Ben Stiller but I think you've finally passed your expiration date. 2001 was a long time ago, this character was only mildly amusing at best and there's more than enough nostalgic nonsense filling our screens without your tired tripe. Now fuck off and take Owen Wilson with you.

60. "Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising"(2016)
More tasteless, gross-out gags with Seth Rogen and Zac Efron, as if their first team-up in 2014 wasn't bad enough. I'd say that "N2" is an insult to our intelligence, if it's target audience had any. Party's over.