The Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen Vol. III

1. "Myra Breckinridge"(1970) Raquel Welch was a wench in this vile sex comedy, based on Gore Vidal's 1968 novel, that contains a rare depiction of female-on-male rape. Leonard Maltin led the fight against this trashy travesty, calling it "as bad as any movie ever made".

2. "Tommy"(1975) The Who's rock opera was shown to me in high school by a reckless music teacher and the experience lingered in my memory for reasons that weren't intended. It looked and felt like a drug-induced nightmare.

3. "Summer City"(1977) I've seen cell phone videos more artistic than this awful Australian indie that is only known for ONE reason- it's male ensemble includes a 20 year old Mel Gibson in his film debut. I should have ignored my curiosity, this is not a movie.

4. "The Hills Have Eyes Part II"(1985) Are we sure Wes Craven was a great filmmaker? This rancid sequel was filmed before "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and released after, by a cash-strapped Craven who later disowned it. "Hills 2" was torture to get through on Tubi, for the sole purpose of this article.

5. "The Telephone"(1988) What's the worst movie that nobody's ever seen or heard of? This claustrophobic comedy, with a career-killing screenplay from Terry Southern("Dr. Strangelove", "Easy Rider"), is absolutely baffling. Whoopi Goldberg talks and talks. Then she talks some more. There's no entertainment whatsoever in her often-improvised one-woman show. First-time director Rip Torn didn't get along with Goldberg, and never guided another film.

6. "Homer and Eddie"(1989) We might as well get Whoopi Goldberg's other woeful late '80s comedy out of the way. Or is it a drama? It's hard to tell. Her homeless mental patient and Jim Belushi's mentally-challenged man-child fell off the face of the Earth. This movie doesn't work for one minute.

7. "The Return of Swamp Thing"(1989) I've drained the cinematic swamp and discovered the degenerate sequel to the 1982 cult object, that insured "T.J. Hooker" hottie Heather Locklear would remain a small screen siren.

8. "Problem Child 2"(1991) Like anyone wanted to spend another 90 minutes with John Ritter's ugly, obnoxious brat. Michael Oliver's mischievous Junior belongs in movie jail.

9. "Once Upon a Crime"(1992) I understood how Jim Belushi felt watching this terrible, long-forgotten black comedy with a top-billed John Candy(appearing rather briefly), and an equally-sorry Cybill Shepherd who would soon run back to the relative safety of television. Richard Lewis and Sean Young are among the pained participants in this Monte Carlo-set ensemble. Eugene Levy directs for the first and last time.

10. "Weekend at Bernie's II"(1993) Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman embarrassed themselves in this excruciating sequel to the inexplicably popular 1989 comedy. Bernie(Terry Kiser) is still dead, and I'm still not amused in the slightest. Even at age 13, I despised this movie.

11. "Showgirls"(1995) Elizabeth Berkley's acting is atrocious in this Paul Verhoeven/Joe Esterzhas tale(the daring duo behind "Basic Instinct") of a Las Vegas stripper. Thus, Nomi Malone became an unlikeable, unsympathetic avatar into the sleazy Nevada nightlife. In fairness, "Showgirls" overcame overwhelming negativity and was reborn as a cult classic in the 2000s- the DVD/blu-ray generated over $100 million. A copy may or may not be in my possession.

12. "Double Team"(1997) Jean Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman have to be the worst buddy action duo of all time.

13. "Spice World"(1997) Any Spice Girls fans out there? Didn't think so. This abomination was thrown together to cash in on the Clinton-era craze of the British girl-power group(you had to have been there). "A Hard Day's Night", this is not.

14. "Baby Geniuses"(1999) Ten years after "Look Who's Talking" was a surprise hit, a FAR less humorous take on the talking-babies premise was used to punish families across the country. "Porky's" writer-director Bob Clark's charmless shitshow tripled it's $12 million budget with an ad campaign aimed at indiscriminate tykes. I hope Kathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd enjoyed their paychecks.

15. "Glitter"(2001) Mariah Carey couldn't have been more popular in the 1990s. Then came her catastrophic film debut, released rather eerily around 9/11, that proved she was as bad at acting as she was good at belting out all of her radio-friendly hit singles. The god-forsaken "Glitter" didn't even open in the top-ten, and the overexposed singer, perhaps sensing the humiliation, was hospitalized for "exhaustion" in the late summer. You could argue her reputation never fully recovered.

16. "Swept Away"(2002) Speaking of superstar singers who can't act, I give you Madonna. Her movie career came to a merciless end with this wretched remake of the 1974 Italian romcom. Directed by her then-husband Guy Ritchie, a union that would unsurprisingly dissolve six years later.

17. "The Whole Ten Yards"(2004) The 2000 original was a minor hit. Bruce Willis slid from the A-list to the B+ list with this terrible, extraordinarily unnecessary sequel. A manic Matthew Perry is insufferable without his Friends, and Kevin Pollak's Hungarian gangster villain isn't the least bit funny. "Ten Yards" was eviscerated by critics, and lost half it's $40 million budget.

18. "Crank"(2006) I hated this vulgar ADD actioner so much, that I destroyed the DVD the next day. Jason Statham and the writer-director duo of Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor should be ashamed of themselves.

19. "Norbit"(2007) Eddie Murphy was back with more latex and ancient fat jokes in the foul comedy that may have cost him the Best Supporting Actor Oscar(he was considered the favorite for 2006's "Dreamgirls", released just four months earlier).

20. "Southland Tales"(2007) Writer-director Richard Kelly's dystopian "epic" made a disastrous debut at Cannes, and is such an overlong(144 minutes), incoherent mess, it must be seen to be believed. A sexy cast(Dwayne Johnson, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Justin Timberlake) is crippled by a screenplay that never should have been greenlit. The wildly-ambitious Kelly, once compared to Tarantino, hasn't worked since 2009.

21. "The Happening"(2008) M. Night Shyamalan went from genius to joke in less than ten years.

22. "12 Rounds"(2009) This hopelessly cliched and boring umpteenth "Die Hard" retread, directed by the once-respected Renny Harlin and starring WWE champ John Cena(Vince McMahon made him do it), had 11 rounds too many.

23. "Jack and Jill"(2011) Adam Sandler seems like a nice guy. So, why is he trying to lower America's intelligence? Why does Happy Madison hate us?? Is that REALLY Al Pacino???

24. "That's My Boy"(2012) This second-straight all-out assault on viewers' brain cells represents the precise moment that the paying public turned on it's shameless star- "Boy" was the first Sandler movie that didn't make money. Critic Richard Roeper gave it an "F" and summed it up best- "ugly, deadly, tastless, and mean-spirited".

25. "The Ridiculous 6"(2015) We might as well do the full Sandler roast. What a rancid, unwatchable piece of shit. Columbia, Paramount, and Warner Bros. all rejected this $60 million project. Then Netflix conspired with Happy Madison to produce the worst film of 2015. Sandler is joined by Terry Crews, Taylor Lautner, Rob Schneider, Luke Wilson, Steve Buscemi, Nick Nolte, and Jorge Garcia. It's 120 minutes. There is no God.