1. "Winning"(1969)
Paul Newman let his racecar fetish get the better of him in this rare failure from his 1960s heyday. There's absolutely no winning going on here.
2. "The Missouri Breaks"(1976)
Jack Nicholson and Marlon Brando, both in their mid-'70s glory, should have been a match made in movie heaven. Instead, Arthur Penn's pointless Western is the cinematic equivalent of getting invited to a threesome with two supermodels that change their minds as soon as your clothes come off.
3. "Bad News Bears in Breaking Training"(1977)
Without previous MVPs Walter Matthua, Tatum O'Neal and director Michael Ritchie, the overmatched, underprepared '77 Bears didn't even make the playoffs.
4. "The Fury"(1978)
The venerable Brian De Palma directed thirty films. Fewer than ten of them are good. Kirk Douglas and Amy Irving, as a government agent and a telekinetic teen, don't seem to be acting in the same movie.
5. "The Fog"(1980)
We should have known that John Carpenter wasn't going to be one of the greats, following the release of this cheap, unfocused chiller. The presence of Jamie Lee Curtis couldn't lift this small-town ensemble to the heights of "Halloween". Here, we have too many characters, and too few scares.
6. "Death Wish II"(1982)
Charles Bronson's vengeful vigilante Paul Kersey was back by popular demand for the first in a LONG line of shoot-'em-up sequels tailormade for the burgeoning VHS/cable aftermarket. This goes in the guilty pleasure book.
7. "The Man Who Loved Women"(1983)
Burt Reynolds is a sculptor with too many romantic entanglements in this slight, inconsequential sex comedy that signaled the end of his box office championship reign. If I could erase every movie that Burt shouldn't have made, less than half of his filmography would remain.
8. "The Lonely Guy"(1984)
Steve Martin is a lovelorn NYC bachelor in a dreary comedy that clumsily mixes melancholy semi-seriousness with the sort of excessive bits better left on "Saturday Night Live". To say that this clunky outlier in an otherwise prosperous period for Martin isn't fondly remembered would actually be a compliment. It isn't remembered at all.
9. "Just One of the Guys"(1985)
At first glance, this is just a low-grade teen sex comedy with limited talents on both sides of the camera. Endless airings on HBO would reveal latent humor and charm that forced a mild reassessment of the omnipresent "Tootsie" redo. "Guys" is the best movie on this list.
10. "Year of the Dragon"(1985)
Director Michael Cimino("The Deer Hunter") couldn't restore his crumbling credentials in this downbeat, curiously-ineffective cop thriller. Mickey Rourke's unsympathetic protagonist is a fatal flaw in what should have been a fairly straightforward affair.
11. "Santa Clause: The Movie"(1985)
Bah Humbug. Here's the Christmas movie you almost forgot, and I apologize for the reminder. Eighteen years before Will Ferrell played a funny elf, Dudley Moore played...a not-so-funny elf. Small children may approve. The problem is everyone else.
12. "The Transformers: The Movie"(1986)
Substandard animation and a dated, out-of-place rock soundtrack leaves me wondering how Optimus Prime and his Hasbro brethren ever garnered enough nostalgic goodwill for Michael Bay to greedily exploit over twenty summers later.
13. "Suspect"(1987)
Cher is a hot lawyer in over her head in this muddled legal thriller. An appealing cast(Dennis Quaid, Liam Neeson) can't excuse a third act that kills all credibility, even for an '80s whodunit.
14. "Extreme Prejudice"(1987)
I'm extremely prejudiced when it comes to execrable, perfunctory actioners. Nick Nolte's tough Texas Ranger is hellbent on stopping criminality at the U.S.-Mexican border. President Trump probably liked it.
15. "The Serpent and the Rainbow"(1988)
Horror maestro Wes Craven sends Bill Pullman's adventurous anthropologist to voodoo-infested Haiti. I thought this movie was scary...when I was eight. It's not great.
16. "License to Kill"(1989)
Timothy Dalton's 007 got his license revoked after only two adventures. It doesn't seem fair. "Kill" is mostly bottom-of-the-barrel Bond, but if you're in a charitable mood, it's not that terrible. Cool finale.
17. "Robocop 2"(1990)
One of the most disappointing sequels of it's day, Irvin Kershner's cold, blunt continuation in the saga of the cyborg Detroit crimefighter has all the noisy carnage you'd expect, but none of the humor, heart and intelligence that made the original one of 1987's best films.
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| At least Liam Neeson got to hide his face in this one. |
18. "Darkman"(1990)
Sam Raimi's low-budget "Batman" wannabe(complete with a supportive Danny Elfman score) could politely be classified as a cult film, and more accurately be called a grimy waste of my god-damn time.
19. "CrissCross"(1992)
Goldie Hawn's stripper/single mom struggles to raise her troublesome twelve-year old son in 1969 Florida in this drab indie drama. It might have helped if her son had warranted a Wikipedia page along the way.
20. "Bad Girls"(1994)
Drew Barrymore, Mary Stuart Masterson, Andie MacDowell and Madeline Stowe are pistol-packin' prostitutes in one of the worst Westerns ever devised. There's a reason Hollywood is historically reluctant to serve up heroines.
21. "Sabrina"(1995)
Remember when Julia Ormond was supposed to be a big star? This bland Brit only renewed our affection for Audrey Hepburn in Sydney Pollack's pedantic remake. Even Harrison Ford's faithful followers stayed far away.
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| "Yeah, this one's gonna be a real piece of shit". |
22. "Blood and Wine"(1996)
Jack Nicholson and Michael Caine lent their esteemed names to this lukewarm crime drama from fading director Bob Rafelson("Five Easy Pieces"). The veteran duo should have known better than to get mixed up with Stephen Dorff and Jennifer Lopez.
23. "The Preacher's Wife"(1996)
Whitney Houston couldn't act. That's the main takeaway from this lame fantasy in which the late pop icon failed to ignite the holiday box office with Denzel Washington's dapper guardian angel. Director Penny Marshall should have kept the overlong "Wife" under two hours. Nobody goes to church anymore.
24. "Jakob the Liar"(1999)
A redundant Robin Williams telegraphed his career demise in this too-obvious Oscar bait that somehow manages to be lightweight and heavy-handed at the same time. "Schindler's List" and "Life Is Beautiful" are the only '90s Holocaust movies you need in your life.
25. "The Next Best Thing"(2000)
Madonna was still trying to convince the masses that she was leading lady material in a turn-of-the-century turd about the complex relationship a modern woman has with her gay best friend(Rupert Everett). Does she really need a traditional romance? Sadly, this soggy romcom was the end of the road for once-formidable director John Schlesinger("Midnight Cowboy").
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| Jen deserves better. |
26. "Rock Star"(2001)
Mark Wahlberg was miscast in this half-baked parody of the mid-'80s heavy metal scene. Even music fans were smart enough to avoid this particular mosh pit. Marky Mark's last concert should have been canceled.
27. "The Mothman Prophecies"(2002)
A grieving Richard Gere becomes obsessed with the mythical 'Mothman' in this bargain-bin thriller that got pummeled by "The Lord of the Rings". Mark Pellington's rickety direction is unacceptable to me.
28. "Wonderland"(2003)
Val Kilmer's last stand as a viable leading man should have been a salacious slam dunk. Instead, this dirty depiction of the demise of porn legend John Holmes wasted FAR too much screen time on his foul friends(Dylan McDermott, Josh Lucas) and his uninteresting involvement in four drug-related murders in 1981 Los Angeles. This was no "Boogie Nights".
29. "Against the Ropes"(2004)
Meg Ryan relinquished her A-list membership as brassy boxing manager Jackie Kallen in this unconvincing fake biopic. It's hard to screw up a movie about the inherently dramatic fight game(especially with a "true story" to work with). Ryan and her costar/director Charles S. Dutton succeeded.
30. "House of Wax"(2005)
Remember when Elisha Cuthbert was supposed to be a big star? When this cockeyed horror flick is your most successful screen outing, it's safe to say that you blew it. I guess Maxim subscribers don't buy movie tickets.
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| "So, you're dating Cameron Diaz?" |
31. "Shrek the Third"(2007)
This DreamWorks threequel(apparently, rushed in the wake of the massive box office of "Shrek 2") is a clear example of the dangers of locking in a release date before a worthy script could materialize(it didn't). Ogre babies aside, all 92 minutes felt rather forced and lackadaisical. The first one is a four-star movie.
32. "Crossing Over"(2009)
The subject of illegal immigration deserved far more care and intelligence than hack writer-director Wayne Kramer could muster. Harrison Ford(heading up a cast that includes Ray Liotta and Ashley Judd) wasted a good performance on a project unworthy of it.
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| "Is this supposed to be funny?". |
33. "I Love You Philip Morris"(2009)
I didn't love Philip Morris. I didn't even LIKE Philip Morris. Fuck Philip Morris. Jim Carrey's once-mighty grip on the populace loosened considerably during the Bush era("The Majestic", "Fun with Dick and Jane", "The Number 23"). This misbegotten indie about a gay con artist was just more audience repellent.
34. "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"(2009)
Michael Bay's bloated, bombastic sequel may be THE worst movie ever to achieve huge success($402 million domestically, and the 6th highest-grosser of the 2000s.) A disturbing amount of undemanding summertime viewers fell for "Fallen", despite it's awful humor, hollow acting, and OTT-video game-style action. The unrepentant Bay gives blockbusters a bad name.
35. "Surrogates"(2009)
Bruce Willis sleepwalks through this derivative sci-fi thriller, another futuristic dystopia where robots rule and the human race needs to fight back. I'll watch "The Terminator" and "Blade Runner" 200 times before I'll watch this twice.
36. "Legendary"(2010)
WWE champ John Cena teaches his skinny little brother how to wrestle. Nobody taught either of them how to act in a movie before this well-worn story was filmed. Stick to "The Karate Kid" franchise.
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| "We're never working together again". |
37. "No Strings Attached"(2011)
Shame on Ivan Reitman for helping Ashton Kutcher hook up with Natalie Portman. The "Ghostbusters" guru had noticeably lost his artistic touch. Casual sex has rarely been this calamitous.
38. "Detachment"(2011)
Eccentric, enigmatic director Tony Kaye("American History X") alienated himself further from the industry with this ugly indie about a substitute teacher(Adrien Brody). Almost as depressing as the actual U.S. public school system.
39. "The Guilt Trip"(2012)
Barbra Streisand had a notable film career. Unfortunately, it seems likely to conclude with this listless extended sitcom about a meddlesome mother and the adult son(Seth Rogen) that lovingly can't stand her. Between this and the loathsome "Little Fockers", we're a long way from "Funny Girl".
40. "47 Ronin"(2013)
Keanu Reeves is now rightly regarded as an action icon. That almost didn't happen, when the former Neo/future John Wick fronted one of the decade's costliest flops. A first-time director without a Wiki page(Carl Rinsch), cliched fantasy elements cribbed from "The Lord of the Rings", and a samurai plot that didn't even play well in Japan, have damned the rote "Ronin" straight to hell.
41. "Poltergeist"(2015)
This colorless remake of the 1982 haunted house hit is closer in quality to that film's foul sequels than what Steven Spielberg and Tobe Hooper built on that Indian burial ground. The 'curse' continues.
42. "Mother's Day"(2016)
Julia Roberts, Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson. What a pleasant two hours this must have been. I'm afraid not. Late director Garry Marshall deserves respect("Overboard", "Beaches", "Pretty Woman"), but his farewell engagement was a pile of estrogen-loaded excrement.
43. "Baywatch"(2017)
Zac Efron is in great shape. That's the only positive to report in this otherwise puny film version of the iconic '90s TV show. Dwayne Johnson, please take a day off.
44. "Logan Lucky"(2017)
I would have rather Steve Soderbergh stayed "retired" than end his four-year sabbatical with the redneck version of "Ocean's Eleven". An exciting cast(Channing Tatum, Adam Driver, Daniel Craig) couldn't erase the feeling that we've seen it all before. I'm still waiting for the "Traffic" director to regain his vitality.
45. "Life of the Party"(2018)
I'm not attending any 'party' that Melissa McCarthy is presiding over. You shouldn't either. There's too many movies that DON'T lower your IQ. So much for higher education.
46. "Book Club"(2018)
For the record, I'm ALL for older women headlining movies, and we all know how talented and tenured Jane Fonda, Diane Keaton, Candice Bergin and Mary Steenburgen are. However, the crummy "Club" didn't do their careers or cause ANY favors.
47. "Venom"(2018)
Tom Hardy sold out in this hackneyed stand-alone version of the Marvel antihero, previously known as a popular Spider-Man villain. Indiscriminate youngsters may go for Venom's FX-filled San Francisco adventures, semi-intelligent viewers over age 16 should be advised to seek a less pointless endeavor.
48. "Dumbo"(2019)
Tim Burton's dispirited live-action remake just couldn't reach the box office heights of his billion-dollar rendition of "Alice in Wonderland". Danny DeVito, Colin Farrell, and Michael Keaton didn't register in underdeveloped roles that weren't a part of the 1941 animated classic. Strictly for the kids.
49. "Pet Sematary"(2019)
Just what we needed- a rancid remake of a movie that wasn't close to being good, thirty years ago. Maybe Stephen King gets a little too much praise. I'm not an animal person.
50. "Shazam!"(2019)
Here's the deal- I CAN'T get invested in another superhero property. I have to reject this movie on moral grounds. In an alternate reality, where's there's NOT 800 other superheroes flying around, DC's latest might have hit the spot. Instead, I feel nothing.
