Every movie deserves it's day in court. With that being said, I'm handing down more guilty verdicts to dozens of titles that never should have seen the light of day. Taking out the garbage isn't fun, but it must be done. Here are sixty more movies that suck dick in the order they were released.
1.
"Exorcist II: The Heretic"(1977)
Where do I begin- Linda Blair is a bad actress without devil make-up and Mercedes McCambridge's voice, and Louis Fletcher(Nurse Ratched) was a fluke. Richard Burton brings a grave seriousness that implies he's under the impression that he's in a good movie. John Boorman's sinful sequel is easily one of the decade's most reviled films.
2.
"Saturn 3"(1980)
This long-forgotten sci-fi slop made two things very clear- Kirk Douglas' movie star days were just about done, and '70s sensation Farrah Fawcett was never going to be one. Oddly, Harvey Keitel comes out looking the worst. His lines were dubbed in post-production.
3.
"The Octagon"(1980)
I'd rather get kicked around the UFC octagon than suffer through most of the films that have the name 'Chuck Norris' in the opening credits. I guarantee that none of his karate tournament opponents got abused as much as his audience.
4.
"So Fine"(1981)
Ryan O'Neal might as well have just burned his SAG card, because agreeing to star in this catastrophic comedy about bottomless pants was the equivalent of it.
5.
"Doctor Detroit"(1983)
Dan Aykroyd's placement in the comedy hall of fame contains a few asterisks. "Ghostbusters I and II" can't completely obscure his professor-turned-pimp that couldn't even get me to crack a smile. "Detroit" was an early '80s dumpster fire.
6.
"Supergirl"(1984)
I'm glad that Kara Zor-El has been resuscitated for a small screen run, because Helen Slater's not-so-Supergirl never got off the ground. She got beat down by "Beverly Hills Cop" during the '84 holiday season, before being banished to the Phantom Zone(along with notoriously difficult producers Ilya and Alexander Salkind).
7.
"Who's That Girl"(1987)
Madonna's chart-topping title track(and concurrent world tour) were far more successful than this senseless summer flop that decisively proved to all but her most devoted followers that the Material Girl was no Movie Star.
8.
"Masters of the Universe"(1987)
Frank Langella's Skeletor is the lone salvation of this otherwise woeful film version of the '80s kiddie phenomenon. There are reasons that He-Man is confined to the Reagan era, not least of which was Dolph Lundgren(this is his least favorite role) and a derivative storyline that made my 900th viewing of "Return of the Jedi" infinitely more fun.
9.
"The Pick-up Artist"(1987)
A 21 year old Robert Downey Jr. couldn't have looked any less like a future box office champion superhero in this excruciating romcom that exposed '80s teen queen Molly Ringwald as an inadequate leading lady in her first post-John Hughes project.
10.
"Teen Wolf Too"(1987)
I'll bet you didn't know that Jason Bateman turned into a super-cool werewolf, two years after Michael J. Fox did. The 1985 original is "Citizen Kane" compared to this.
11,12.
"Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach", Police Academy 6: City Under Siege"(1988,1989)
When Steve Guttenberg bails on a franchise, that's about as dire a warning as you can possibly get. These cartoony cops did provide me with a few laughs...when I was under the age of ten. This is one dreadful double feature.
13.
"Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects"(1989)
Charles Bronson does his bad-ass cop routine, in his second-to-last starring role, an embarrassingly anemic actioner from the Cannon crap factory. Old Charlie just couldn't cut it anymore, with "Lethal Weapon" and "Die Hard" on the docket.
14.
"She Devil"(1989)
Meryl Streep was funnier than Roseanne Barr, the so-called comedienne, in this hellish comedy about domestic warfare. Rosie learned the hard way that the leap from TV fame to movie stardom is bigger than her backside.
15.
"Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth"(1992)
I think the subtitle says it all.
16.
"The Jerky Boys: The Movie"(1995)
The whole world hung up the phone on these '90s pranksters, as soon as they thought that their 'talents' would translate to the big screen. Frank Rizzo wasn't even funny enough for an 81 minute feature, but that hasn't stopped Jerky Boy Johnny Brennan attempts to keep his brand alive to this very day. Sorry, Boys, this is not comedy.
17.
"Virtuosity"(1995)
Denzel Washington looks as confused here, as I felt watching this sci-fi action disaster, perhaps the two-time Oscar winner's worst film. Before he was a gold-grabbing gladiator, Russell Crowe was wreaking havoc as a virtual-reality villain, and I'm sure he's equally grateful that nobody remembers any of it.
18.
"Girl 6"(1996)
Spike Lee's worst film(although, I haven't seen them ALL) stars bland also-ran Theresa Randle as a phone sex operator. Lee may call me a racist, but "6" doesn't even meet the requirements of a lurid late-night guilty pleasure.
19.
"House Arrest"(1996)
I'm not trying to ruin Jamie Lee Curtis' comeback, but let's not forget what put her in movie jail in the first place. A $7 million budget shouldn't have been that hard to recover. The late Gene Siskel gave "Arrest" zero stars. I miss that man.
20.
"Another 9 and a 1/2 Weeks"(1997)
Mickey Rourke, making his return to 'acting' after a self-imposed five-year exile, engages in unsexy soft-porn shenanigans with Angie Everhart in the sleazy, low-rent sequel to his 1986 hit that nobody on Earth was asking for. You'd be hard-pressed to find more utterly incompetent filmmaking.
21.
"The Man Who Knew Too Little"(1997)
If you think he's an unimpeachable comedic demigod, then you know too little about Bill Murray. I cringed through most of this lazy secret agent spoof, and we probably would have said goodbye to Bill around this time if not for Wes Anderson and Sofia Coppola.
22.
"Species II"(1998)
Every successful film doesn't deserve a continuation. That's never been truer than in the case of this shite sequel to the 1995 sci-fi guilty pleasure. You can thank "Titanic" for crushing this flick, and sparing us a theatrically-released third installment.
23.
"The Blues Brothers 2000"(1998)
I submit further proof that Dan Aykroyd is a manic hack, that got really lucky in the early part of his career. John Goodman must have been blackmailed on his way to the set of "The Big Lebowski". Heard from John Landis lately?
24.
"I Still Know What You Did Last Summer"(1998)
Jennifer Love Hewitt and Brandy Norwood. This could only be 1998. The post-"Scream" wave of revitalized horror hit a nasty speed bump with this hastily-produced throwback to '80s slashers. Let's never remake/reboot this thing.
25.
"Driven"(2001)
A slumping Sylvester Stallone crashed and burned in this bombastic racecar flick, helmed with zero sense or subtly by his "Cliffhanger" director Renny Harlin. This made "The Fast and the Furious" look like a good movie.
26.
"Interstate 60"(2002)
"Back to the Future" co-creator Bob Gale was banished from the movie biz after this odd, aimless comic fantasy that somehow attracted the time and talents of Gary Oldman, Chris Cooper and Kurt Russell. Never even heard of it? You are not alone.
27.
"Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde"(2003)
I wish Reese Witherspoon luck with "LB3", because Elle Woods looked like a one-hit wonder in this insipid second episode that sent her pink princess on a search for her Chihuahua's birth mother- the most inane idea imaginable. This may be the worst film that Sally Field has ever appeared in.
28.
"Underworld"(2003)
A leather-clad, 30 year old Kate Beckinsale is something I should have been able to enjoy. Instead, this erroneous franchise starter, helmed by her real-life husband Len Wiseman, could only be embraced by high school goth geeks with unrefined tastes.
29.
"Duplex"(2003)
Director Danny DeVito does another "Throw Momma from the Train", with much less comic success than he achieved in that '87 cult classic. Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore want to kill a little old lady with a desirable rent-controlled apartment, and you may want to kill yourself while watching them try to do it.
30.
"Party Monster"(2003)
Macauley Culkin failed to shed his child-star image in this ugly indie dud about a drug-addled NYC club promoter convicted of murdering a friend in the mid-'90s. I may never be able to watch "Home Alone" the same way again.
31.
"Twisted"(2004)
Ashley Judd is a cop who may or may not be a killer in this ludicrous thriller that turned out to be her leading lady swan song. Thank God(or Mel Gibson) that "The Passion of the Christ" pummeled this POS.
32.
"The Punisher"(2004)
Frank Castle should have been one of the easier superheroes to serve up on the big screen. Marvel didn't quite have their shit together, when they sent the charisma-free Thomas Jane to tear up Tampa Bay and take down mob villains(John Travolta on autopilot) in this charmless and generic action exercise. More on FC later.
33.
"Blade: Trinity"(2004)
Wesley Snipes' three-year stint in federal prison for tax evasion was only a little more embarrassing than this ill-fated conclusion to the "Blade" trilogy. Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel provide little relief in one of the most regretted franchise cappers of all time.
34.
"Lucky Number Slevin"(2006)
Josh Hartnett is probably a nice guy, but this clumsy crime flick couldn't further his Bush era campaign to collect a portion of our expendable incomes. In fairness, I'm not even sure what Morgan Freeman, Bruce Willis and Ben Kingsley were doing here either, besides getting paid.
35.
"The Black Dahlia"(2006)
The savage 1947 murder of aspiring actress Elizabeth Short startled post-WWII America, and deserved far more care and focus than Brian De Palma could manage in 2006("Scarface" was a long time ago). Here's Josh Hartnett headlining again. He doesn't do that anymore.
36.
"Smokin' Aces"(2007)
Another terrible Tarantino ripoff, featuring a 'cool' cast(Ben Affleck, Ryan Reynolds, Ray Liotta, Andy Garcia, Jeremy Piven, Alicia Keyes) that didn't read the entire script. Movies like this are the reason people are more enthusiastic about TV shows.
37.
"The Number 23"(2007)
I knew that Jim Carrey's 23rd movie sucked around the 23-minute mark. Joel Schumacher directed 23 movies(and you can disregard at least half of them). It took me 23 seconds to write this.
38.
"The Invasion"(2007)
Some say that Nicole Kidman is the greatest actress of the early 21st Century. I'm wondering how that could be, considering she's invaded theaters more than a few times with the sort of underwritten tripe that could easily be mistaken for made-for-TV movies.
39.
"Punisher: War Zone"(2008)
The third time was NOT the charm, for this pathetic third shot at the Punisher. Frank Castle may be able to clean up city streets, but he couldn't recoup his budget, with Ray Stevenson leaving me yearning for the subtly, likability and restraint of Thomas Jane. "War Zone" makes Dolph Lundgren's '89 version look like an underrated gem.
40.
"Friday the 13th"(2009)
Jason Vorhees violently slays more bad actors pretending to be teenagers in this vile Michael Bay-produced revival of a horror staple that should have stayed a thing of the past.
41.
"Personal Effects"(2009)
Ashton Kutcher's atrocious acting and Tom Hollander's amateurish writing-directing sank this indie drama before it could land a wide release. When Michelle Pfeiffer's ethereal beauty has no effect, you're in big trouble.
42.
"Halloween II"(2009)
Rob Zombie should stick to his grimy goth rock, because his rancid re-imaging of John Carpenter's creation didn't do the Michael Myers mystique ANY favors. "HII" is even worse than 1981's Halloween II" AND his '07 original.
43.
"The Hangover Part II"(2011)
More drunken 'hilarity' with Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis and Ed Helms in one of the most depressing and unnecessary sequels ever produced. Bangkok couldn't keep this from feeling like anything more than a monetary-driven retread, and the aging frat boys of the world don't need any more encouragement. Stay sober, kids.
44.
"LOL"(2012)
Miley Cyrus sucks lol. She isn't particularly talented or good looking lol. I'm embarrassed to say that I watched this lol.
45.
"Cloud Atlas"(2012)
The Wachowskis are not good storytellers. Their inability to connect the dots and achieve coherence can even neutralize highly capable A-listers like Tom Hanks and Halle Berry. Earning the studio their money back has also been a problem. "Atlas" is an ambitious, overlong mess. More on Larry and Andy a little later.
46.
"Passion"(2012)
Brian De Palma should have retired twenty years ago. There's a reason nobody can name his last six movies. Rachel McAdams' malicious boss wouldn't look out of place on an old episode of "Melrose Place".
47.
"Sabotage"(2014)
This loud, unsubtle, obnoxious shoot 'em up should have disqualified David Ayer from the "Suicide Squad" director's chair. It may be Arnold Schwarzenegger's worst film since leaving politics, and yes, I saw "Terminator Genisys".
48.
"Jupiter Ascending"(2015)
The Wachowski brothers(or sisters, I'm not too sure anymore) should be barred from big-budget filmmaking after BARELY breaking even on this foul sci-fi fantasy. Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis look lost in this badly-drawn world, while Eddie Redmayne camps it up as a homosexual supervillian. "Waterworld" is looking better every day.
49.
"Bad Santa 2"(2016)
I'm leaving the fireplace on if Billy Bob Thornton tries to come down the chimney a third time. His alcoholic convict Willie is even more vulgar, slovenly and uncouth than he was in 2003. He's also at least ten years too late, and a lot less funny.
50.
"Suburbicon"(2017)
This strangely ineffective black comedy(?) went over like a lead balloon, despite the sturdy names on both sides of the camera. Director George Clooney dusted off an old Coen brothers script and made a heavy-handed parody of '50s suburbia, with his buddy Matt Damon's glum face on the poster. This movie doesn't work for one minute.
51.
"Just Getting Started"(2017)
Sadly, Morgan Freeman and Tommy Lee Jones AREN'T just getting started, I think these grumpy old Oscar winners have reached the end of the road. There isn't one laugh to be had in this alleged 'comedy', written and directed by Ron Shelton(a LONG way away from "Bull Durham" and "White Men Can't Jump"). Matinee-dwelling septuagenarians deserve better than this.
52.
"Father Figures"(2017)
Need more proof that comedy is dead? Owen Wilson and Ed Helms searched for their biological father over the holidays in front of empty theaters across the country. Glenn Close and all of her OLD flames(J.K. Simmons, Ving Rhames, Chris Walken) can never have this crass crap expunged from their IMDB pages.
53.
"Fifty Shades Freed"(2018)
Are we finally free of E.L. James, the literary architect of all this soft-core crap and simplistic sadomasochism? The producers of this turd trilogy ignored my safe word in 2015, when they extended the erotic adventures of improbable billionaire Christian Grey(the talentless Jamie Dornan) and smitten nice-girl Dakota Johnson, with trendy pop songs accompanying every tryst, and 'drama' barely on the level of a low-grade soap opera. I hope all you middle-aged soccer moms are happy.
54.
"The Spy Who Dumped Me"(2018)
Mila Kunis is as cute as they come and Kate McKinnon may be the funniest woman out there. Just not at the movies. The talent and appeal of these two ladies couldn't keep me from consistently wondering why every studio comedy has to be so fucking stupid.
55.
"Mile 22"(2018)
There's NO reason for this Mark Wahlberg thriller to exist. It's 95 minutes of noise and incomprehensible 'who cares' action/plotting. Peter Berg directs for those with ADD, while I longed for the days when the lowest common denominator couldn't regularly revel in a cultural cesspool.
56.
"The Happytime Murders"(2018)
Speaking of 2018 turkeys, WHO decided that this punishing detective story should feature profane felt puppets?! That would be Jim's son Brian Henson, in his first and LAST directing job. For once, Melissa McCarthy isn't the problem.
57.
"The Predator"(2018)
Shane Black's reboot is shockingly bad, and it's worthless characters and dire-logue are surely the final nail in this franchise's coffin. You'll never complain about Danny Glover and Adrien Brody ever again.
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| I feel the same way, Kev. |
58.
"Night School"(2018)
Kevin Hart and Tiffany Haddish both flunk out of comedy school, as far as I'm concerned. They're essentially playing the same obnoxious character, in this odious extended sitcom designed solely to separate real-life dropouts from their hard-earned money on a Friday/Saturday night that should have been spent doing almost anything else.
59.
"Nobody's Fool"(2018)
What fool would see TWO Tiffany Haddish comedies inside of a month? A fool with a movie blog to write. Writer-director Tyler Perry provides two bad movies for the price of one, with Tika Sumpter's romantic entanglements no more worthy of my(or YOUR) time.
60.
"Vox Lux"(2018)
People will hate Natalie Portman's pointless fake biopic about the trauma-filled life of a famous pop star, if they ever even bother with it in the first place(which they won't). I'll take "A Star is Born"(any version) any day.
