Two Star Movies Vol. 10

1. "The History of the World, Part I"(1981) The seventh Mel Brooks movie is a hit-and-miss historical spoof(mostly miss) that brought an end to his '70s hot streak. Brooks plays five roles, not including his usual writer-director duties, and employs his regulars(Dom DeLuise, Madeline Kahn, Harvey Korman, and Cloris Leachman) to little effect. "Part I" was pulverized by "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in June. But a 96 year old Brooks wouldn't give up on the concept- "Part II" was produced as a Hulu miniseries in 2023.

2. 'Easy Money"(1983) I'll bet. Siskel and Ebert were kind, but for me, a little Rodney Dangerfield goes a long way. His boorish, one-dimensional shtick only works in "Caddyshack". As for co-star Joe Pesci, it was a barren nine years between his breakout role in "Raging Bull" and his "Lethal Weapon 2" A-list ascent.

3, 4. "Police Academy", "Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment"(1984,1985) The original is one of the unlikeliest success stories of the 1980s. Steven Guttenberg and his band of bozos in blue dutifully returned to the screen one year later. They would do so every spring for the rest of the decade(Steve quit the franchise in '87). Profits poured in for producer Paul Maslansky, even with critics using words like "witless", "dismal", and "moronic". This is where I draw the line on nostalgia. Does anybody still watch these movies?

5. "Clue"(1985) A fun cast(Tim Curry, Christopher Lloyd, Madeline Khan) couldn't put this frantic board game adaptation on my awesome '80s playlist. Was it Professor Plum, Colonel Mustard, or Miss Scarlett? For my money, Lesley Ann Warren is the standout of a messy murder mystery with three endings, that I didn't remember or care about three days later.

6. "Poltergeist II: The Other Side"(1986) The 1982 original, which famously paired Steven Spielberg and Tobe Hooper, is in the haunted house pantheon. Neither returned for this shoddy, shopworn sequel that finds the Freeling family(Craig T. Nelson, JoBeth Williams, Heather O'Rourke) fleeing more evil spirits. "Top Gun" destroyed "The Other Side", deservedly so. But an honorable mention must go out to Julian Beck's creepy Rev. Kane(the sickly actor eerily died just as the film wrapped).

7. "Hiding Out"(1987) Jon Cryer dyes his hair and goes back to high school in this odd, uneven comedy-thriller that was supposed to make Duckie a movie star. It didn't happen. "Maxwell Hauser" is really a 27 year old stockbroker hiding from the mob. I mistakenly watched this movie multiple times as an eight year old with an HBO/Cinemax addiction.

8. "Feds"(1988) Rebecca DeMornay blew it. Stardom once seemed inevitable for the blonde "Risky Business" beauty. This pitiful "Police Academy" rip-off about female FBI trainees, kept her and SNL alum Mary Gross far from leading lady status("Backlash" and "The Hand That Rocks the Cradle" were a momentary respite).

9. "Chattahoochee"(1990) Gary Oldman and Dennis Hopper should've been a potent pair(they share no screentime in "True Romance"). So, why has nobody on Earth seen the directorial debut of Mick Jackson("L.A. Story", "The Bodyguard"? Loosely based on the experiences of Chris Calhoun, a Korean War veteran that exposed the hellish conditions of Florida mental hospitals in the 1950s, this was a worthwhile story in need of a better movie.

10. "Poison Ivy"(1992) A 16 year old Drew Barrymore was sober, drug-free, and ready to shake her '80s child star image. Too bad this indie Sundance thriller just isn't very good. Katt Shea isn't much of a writer-director. Barrymore's "lethal lolita" is a bad influence on Sara Gilbert and her father Tom Skerritt. Cable infamy and three straight-to-video sequels(without Drew) followed.

11. "Mistress"(1992) This Tribeca turd got tossed into the pop culture abyss shortly after it's limited release, despite a Robert De Niro appearance and producer credit. Robert Wuhl, as a failing Hollywood filmmaker, simply doesn't have leading man appeal. Martin Landau and Danny Aiello couldn't even energize the proceedings. Actor Barry Primus directs for the first and last time.

12. "So I Married An Axe Murderer"(1993) I thought I hated this movie upon my first viewing. Then I watched it a dozen times on cable. It's worth noting that the famously-fussy Mike Myers never even tried to play a normal guy again after his San Francisco romance with Nancy Travis fizzled at the box office. Do we have this misguided guilty pleasure to thank for his Austin Powers/Dr. Evil/Shrek bonanza?

13. "Cops and Robbersons"(1994) Chevy Chase and Jack Palance are on a stakeout in Michael Ritchie's extended sitcom that only compounded the career woes of the once-mighty SNL original(his embarrassingly-short-lived late night show happened one year earlier). A 50 year old Chase had no chance in the year of Jim Carrey, while a perturbed Palance had critics wishing they could revoke his "City Slickers" Oscar.

14. "With Honors"(1994) Joe Pesci is a hairy, homeless eccentric that teaches Brendan Fraser and his Harvard friends(Patrick Dempsey, Moira Kelly) some valuable life lessons. This is a well-intentioned movie that I didn't buy for one minute, and Pesci's broad performance is often grating. Madonna gifted her music video director Alek Keshishian with a hit theme song- the radio-friendly "I'll Remember" is the only thing people do.

15. "Ready to Wear"(1994) Or is it Pret-a-Porter? A big cast(Marcello Mastroianni, Sophia Loren, Lauren Bacall, Tim Robbins) is completely wasted in this offensively self-indulgent debacle from writer-director-producer Robert Altman("MASH", "Nashville", "The Player"). Paris Fashion Week doesn't have anywhere near the satirical appeal of his prior explorations of the Army, country music, and Hollywood. How can a movie with Kim Basinger AND Julia Roberts be this pointless? I was confused by it as a teenager, and still am.

16. "Heavy"(1995) Loneliness, depression, unrequited love, a dead-end job. We've got enough of that in real life, James Mangold. I consider "Copland" the start of his career. Pruitt Taylor Vince has no presence as our sad-sack protagonist. Despite a Roger Ebert rave and the lovely Liv Tyler, "Heavy" was a lightweight, earning only $941,000 in the U.S.

17. "Arrival"(1996) Charlie Sheen shoots for movie stardom one last time in this limp sci-fi thriller, that didn't have a chance in the summer of "Twister", "Mission Impossible", and "Independence Day". It was off to rehab and sitcom salvation for the aging bad boy. Don't confuse this with the Amy Adams-Denis Villeneuve alien movie that arrived twenty years later, in 2016.

18. "Mimic"(1997) Mira Sorvino's NYC scientist is up against killer cockroaches the size of human beings. I was bored for at least an hour. Director Guillermo del Toro takes too long to show us something good in his first major release. In his defense, the future Oscar winner clashed with the Weinsteins over the theatrical cut, and later called this Miramax assignment "a horrible experience".

19. "Bride of Chucky"(1998) You can call it a guilty pleasure. I'll call it something else. The fourth episode in the killer doll saga gave baby-voiced Jennifer Tilly her 'best' role, and beat Oprah Winfey Oscar bait "Beloved" at the October box office. A small victory, that would ensure it's pint-sized protagonist(Brad Dourif) gained nostalgic entry into the 21st Century. Director Ronny Yu would return to garbage horror with "Freddy vs. Jason".

20. "Vampires"(1998) James Woods joins the worst Baldwin brother(Daniel) for this John Carpenter crud, the "Halloween" writer-director's only financial success after "Starman". A respectable worldwide gross wasn't enough to wash away "Escape from L.A.", and JC's semi-retirement was imminent. At least Terry Silver(Thomas Ian Griffith) landed another screen credit as umm, a vampire.

21. "Gone in 60 Seconds"(2000) My 20 year old self was supposed to love this glossy Jerry Bruckheimer junk. I must have been getting a little smarter. Cool criminal Nic Cage must steal 50 cars in 72 hours in Long Beach, California in a loose remake of the 1974 flick that nobody saw. Fast cars and a blonde, badass Angelina Jolie isn't enough for anyone with a functioning brain.

22. "Under Suspicion"(2000) Gene Hackman is good in this San Juan-set mystery thriller, but is badly-directed by Stephen Hopkins("Predator 2"). His reunion with Morgan Freeman didn't get any traction in the fall, and their screenwriters(Tom Provost, W. Peter Iliff) wound up with no Wikipedia page- never a positive sign. Is Hackman a murderer of young women? I'm here to report that you needn't bother finding out.

23. "Life or Something Like It"(2002) A still-blonde Angelina Jolie is torn between tabloid fame and legit movie stardom in this lightweight comedy about a Seattle TV reporter with seven days to sort her life out(or die, according to Tony Shalhoub). Ed Burns was really burning through his '90s goodwill during Bush's first term. Similarly, the luck of director Stephen Herek("Bill and Ted", "Mr. Holland's Opus") didn't cross over into the new millenium. "Life" had none at the spring box office.

24. "Men in Black II"(2002) I still can't believe that none of the "MIB" sequels were good. The interplanetary possibilities seemed endless for Will Smith in 1997. Tommy Lee Jones is foolishly sidelined for half the movie, and the C-list team of Lara Flynn Boyle and Johnny Knoxville were even more foolishly cast as the obligatory alien villains. I guess Barry Sonnenfeld isn't as brilliant as we thought. "II" made money($190 million in the U.S.), but nobody is watching it today.

25. "S.W.A.T"(2003) A colorless Colin Farrell hits the L.A. streets with Sam Jackson and LL Cool J for this lame adaptation of the '70s TV cop show. Composer Elliott Goldenthal must have hated having to serve his Columbia corporate masters on this soundtrack. Actor-turned-director Clark Johnson's next movie("The Sentinel") sucked too.

26. "Rules of Attraction"(2004) Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore are NYC lawyers in love in a harmless but lukewarm romcom that's not nearly as enjoyable as my 90th viewing of "When Harry Met Sally". What a tough genre to pull off. "Attraction" was pitted against "Mean Girls" and "Man on Fire" at the May ticket counter and vanished without a trace.

27. "Freedomland"(2006) We go from Julianne Moore looking great, to not-so-great. Joe Roth is a prolific producer, whose directing credits are much less impressive. Sam Jackson is a detective on the case of a missing boy in the racially-charged New Jersey housing projects. Moore, who I often love, overacts here to an embarrassing degree as the child's mother.

28. "Premonition"(2007) A somber Sandra Bullock(more on that later) relives the week of her husband's sudden tragic death. Will she save him? Did anyone give a shit?? It's "Groundhog Day" with a dark twist, just don't expect any of that movie's greatness or rewatchability. The director's name in Mennan Yapo and he hasn't worked since.

29. "Stardust"(2007) I should have liked this movie. Claire Danes plays an angelic heroine, Michelle Pfeiffer plays a villainous witch, Robert De Niro plays...never mind. The problem is I grew up with "The Princess Bride". Matthew Vaughn's fantasy adventure feels forced and flat, by comparison.

30. "Love Happens"(2009) What's with Jennifer Aniston's movie career? It's over-populated with flops, yet she remained super-famous. Sparks didn't fly with Aaron Eckhart in a romcom as tepid as it's title. This movie can't even get play on Valentine's Day.

31. "Little Fockers"(2010) First off, the title is misleading- this isn't a cute story about the Focker kids. Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller were each paid $20 million. The subsequent salary demands of Barbra Streisand, Dustin Hoffman, and OWEN WILSON resulted in a $100 million budget. For a comedy. With no new jokes. This production was like a broken ATM machine. Director Chris Weitz("American Pie") replaced Jay Roach in a threequel that deserves to go down as one of the most engregious cash-grabs of all time.

32. "R.I.P.D"(2013) Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds were shooting blanks in this shite adaptation of the equally-short-lived 1999 comic book. The "Rest In Peace Department" was roundly rejected, despite it's "Ghostbusters" meets "Men in Black" ambience, a villainous Kevin Bacon, and an advantageous July release. With a $78 million worldwide gross on a $130 million budget, this is one of the decade's biggest busts.

33. "Transformers: Age of Extinction"(2014) Michael Bay beats the hell out of summertime audiences with another depressing installment of the felonious franchise he started in 2007. This fourth all-out assault of FX is 165 minutes long. Mark Wahlberg replaces Shia LeBeouf, not that human characters matter or anything. "Extinction" was the only '14 movie to make over $1 billion worldwide. At least China enjoys Ehren Kruger's screenplays.

34. "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day"(2014) Whew. The title alone did me in. It's only 81 minutes, you say? A minor 1972 children's book becomes an equally minor family film, that isn't good enough to make me wish I had one, but not bad enough to be interesting. The next time you see Steve Carrell married to Jennifer Garner on your Disney+ menu scroll, keep moving.

34. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows"(2016) The GGI version of the '80s comic book/cartoon quartet only got ONE sequel. Fool me once, Michael Bay. Megan Fox is still not an actress, and director Dave Green(clever) is seriously struggling to produce another theatrically-released film. As goofy and flawed as it is, I'll take 1991's "Turtles II"("Go, Ninja, Go, Ninja, Go!") any day.

36. "Last Christmas"(2019) Every November/December brings more holiday hogwash that's sure to disappear before next year rolls around. Is ANYBODY getting in the spirit with Emma Thompson's screenplay(she costars) on the sidewalks of Paul Feig's London? I'd love to know. Emilia Clarke is cute and talented and likeable and deserves something better under the tree than this.

37. "Coming 2 America"(2021) Sequel king Eddie Murphy(ten and counting) just can't stop ruining a good thing. The 1988 original is among his most beloved films. This lethargic LONG-gestating return of Prince Akeem brought back most of it's cast but none of the laughs. Nielsen ratings systems reported 1.4 billion minutes viewed for Amazon Prime, and it doesn't mean a god-damn thing. When you think of garbage, think of "America 2".

38. "Bruised"(2021) This MMA drama has a fierce, fit 53 year old Halle Berry believably at it's center, and very little else going for it. The script and supporting cast is abysmal. Berry, who also directed for Netflix, appears to have poured all her energy into the climactic cage battle. Instead of the nominations she was clearly fighting for, her filmography takes another beating.

39. "The Unforgivable"(2021) I don't forgive a stone-faced Sandra Bullock for duping us again. With a CV that's 50-50 at best, her popularity never seems to suffer. Well, I did, during this dour adaptation of a 2009 British miniseries about the post-prison life of a female murderer. I say put her back in. Netflix claims this to be one of their most streamed titles ever. That's not right.

40. "John Wick: Chapter 4"(2023) I know what you're thinking, hear me out. The original 2014 "Wick" was a lean and(relatively) low-key 101 minutes. During this padded, pretentious fourth outing of the unlikely Keanu Reeves/Chad Stahelski franchise, I was having a hard time remembering what was once cool about the Continental. There are two good action scenes, and I was bored to tears by the remaining two hours and change.