You CAN'T watch every movie, it's impossible, and there's no reason you should want to. For every "Titanic", there's twenty titles that you don't want to go anywhere near. For every "Pulp Fiction", there's forty pieces of shit floating around the cinematic cesspool that nobody should ever go swimming in. Many of these movies have been rightly ridiculed since their release, others have been unearthed like dinosaur bones to remind you just how bad it can get. All of these films were approved by some guy in a suit whose supposedly smarter than us and makes A LOT more money(I want you as pissed off as I am). Here is my list of 60 MORE movies that suck dick in the order that they were shoveled into theaters.
1. "Better Off Dead"(1985)
Remember when teen suicide was funny? Me neither. Let's remove our rose-colored nostalgia glasses when it comes to John Cusack and Reagan-era high school movies that aren't "Ferris Bueller" or "The Breakfast Club".
2. "Pirates"(1986)
It's extremely rare for an expensive effort from a top-tier filmmaker to vanish without a trace. Well, that's exactly what happened to this shipwrecked shit-fest that left me wishing Roman Polanski had been apprehended by U.S. authorities. A woefully miscast Walter Matthau stars as a scruffy seafarer that gave me a much deeper respect for Johnny Depp.
3. "Malone"(1987)
Burt Reynolds and his hairpiece jump on the '80s action bandwagon in this long-forgotten flop that failed to restore his rapidly-dwindling fan-base. Stallone lost no sleep.
4,5. "Hellraiser", "Hellbound: Hellraiser II"(1987, 1988)
Horror buffs may hate me, but here goes- "Hellraiser" blows. I've seen hell, and it's a midnight marathon of these horrendous flicks. Go to bed, pinhead.
6. "My Stepmother Is an Alien"(1988)
Has anyone ever littered the cinematic landscape with more lousy comedies than Dan Aykroyd? My extensive research reveals that the answer is 'no'. A prime Kim Basinger couldn't even make this dreck digestible.
7. "Red Scorpion"(1989)
Ivan Drago was fun and all, but it didn't grant Dolph Lundgren permission to punish audiences indefinitely. Somehow, the public's complete rejection of this rancid "Rambo" re-dux didn't call off plans to position the monotone mauler into a poor man's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
8. "Johnny Handsome"(1989)
"48 Hrs." director Walter Hill's wonky crime drama is every bit as ugly as Mickey Rourke's deformed revenge-seeking convict. "Handsome" hasn't been watched by anyone other than me in this century, and I take no pride in that.
9. "Ernest Goes to Jail"(1990)
Ernest is finally where he belongs, I just wish we could have kept him there. If producing infantile garbage was a crime, Jim Varney's backwoods buffoon would've surely been on death row.
10. "The Bonfire of the Vanities"(1990)
How does a movie based on a bestseller, starring Tom Hanks, Bruce Willis and Morgan Freeman with Brian De Palma in the director's chair, turn into a nearly unwatchable disaster? An entire book was written in search of the answer.
11. "Drop Dead Fred"(1991)
Is there a more loathsome character in the annals of cinema than Phoebe Cates' foul imaginary friend(Rik Mayall)? I apologize for reminding you of him, but now you know why the "Ridgemont High" hottie's career died.
12. "Double Impact"(1991)
Look, it's TWO Jean-Claude Van Dammes and neither one of them can act. The Muscles from Brussels bludgeoned us with a string of vacuous vehicles that should've went straight-to-video. His "Impact" felt like a spinning back kick to the face.
13. "Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man"(1991)
Mickey Rourke(I swear, I don't hate the guy!) and Don Johnson trade tough-guy taunts and little else as outlaw biker buds in this embarrassing bomb that put the breaks on both of these would-be leading men. Every single copy of this movie should be given away for free with a beer purchase at 7/11.
14. "Toys"(1992)
I don't recall this obnoxiously-overproduced, nauseatingly-colorful calamity getting mentioned in any of those Robin Williams' tributes. The late funnyman fumbled as a wack-ass Willy Wonka wannabe in an ill-fated reunion with his "GMV" director Barry Levinson. No child in America wanted his toys under the tree.
15. "Body of Evidence"(1993)
Madonna completely dispels the notion that she's a halfway decent actress in this "Basic Instinct" clone that I suffered through on a sleepless night of unnecessary channel-surfing. Only a masochist(me) would stick around for the obvious reveal that she DID intend to kill her rich, elderly lover in a frenzied bout of rough sex.
16. "Death Wish V: The Face of Death"(1994)
A 72 year old Charles Bronson(appearing only in close-ups) just had to kill more bad guys in his FIFTH go-around as vengeful vigilante Paul Kersey. To say that the public no longer cared would be an understatement. The non-existent box office and 0% on RT made this one pitiful swan song.
17. "Camp Nowhere"(1994)
Christopher Lloyd's crazy camp counselor was totally ignored at the ticket counter and deservedly so. I wish the man that gave us Doc Brown hadn't sold his services to so much bottom-of-the-barrel kiddie crap.
18. "Johnny Mnemonic"(1995)
This sci-fi shite is the reason I was in no rush to see "The Matrix" in '99. Keanu Reeves' futuristic "mnemonic courier" was clearly designed to be a summer smash, and was anything but. "Johnny" has been justifiably dumped from our long-term memories.
19. "Sudden Death"(1995)
JCVD must foil a terrorist takeover of the Stanley Cup Finals, while we're asked to pretend we didn't already see three "Die Hard" movies. John McClane's adventures made this derivative dross easy to dismiss.
20. "Big Bully"(1996)
Rick Moranis called it a career after being reduced to lame exchanges with an antagonistic Tom Arnold("True Lies" was a fluke) that would be deemed unacceptable on a low-grade sitcom in this soul-crushing 'comedy'.
21. "Boys"(1996)
The pathetic gross($516,000) of this slight Gen-X dramady indicated to me with much certainty that the pixie dream girl appeal of Winona Ryder was very likely to end with the 1990s.
22. "D3: The Mighty Ducks"(1996)
These Disney brats could've learned a thing or two from the Bad News Bears before suiting up for this third installment that nobody asked for. When Emilio Estevez ducks out, maybe it's time to retire. His hockey hellions got shut-out for wearing out their welcome.
23. "Vegas Vacation"(1997)
Sin City has never been less enticing. I can't blame Chevy Chase and company for wanting to roll the dice one last time, but the house always wins. In this case, we all lose.
24. "Fire Down Below"(1997)
Steven Seagal subjected us to one lazy actioner after another until we put our collective foot down. The Aikido expert starred in twelve theatrically-released productions(assuring his lifelong wealth) before Hollywood pulled the plug, and he did it with one facial expression and zero acting lessons.
25. "Jack Frost"(1998)
We can laugh about it now, but Michael Keaton's post-Batman career turned ice-cold courtesy of a reincarnated snowman in this Christmas catastrophe that reversed all of his "Beetlejuice" goodwill. It took him about fifteen years to get thawed out.
26. "My Favorite Martian"(1999)
Christopher Lloyd(wrapping up his celluloid run) and Jeff Daniels(possibly ruing his role in "Dumb & Dumber") should be ashamed of themselves for this needless revival of the 1960s TV show.
27. "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle"(2000)
Often cited as the nadir of Robert De Niro's five decade-long, 100 film-strong career, the childish "R&B" would sadly be a sign of things to come for the formerly-intense two time Oscar winner whose career-making collaborations with Martin Scorsese now seem like a distant memory.
28. "Little Nicky"(2000)
A list like this just wouldn't be complete without an entry from Adam Sandler. His annual assault on cinemagoers went on unabated well into the new millennium. How has his aggressive idiocy been tolerated for so long?
29. "3000 Miles to Graceland"(2001)
Kurt Russell and Kevin Costner must have been reminiscing about the days when they were both really cool, because nobody was thinking that after suffering through this pile of excrement about criminal Elvis impersonators. This heist tries hard to be hip, too bad Tarantino was nowhere to be found.
30. "Town & Country"(2001)
The biggest blunder that you're blissfully unaware of, this odious adult relationship comedy lost close to $100 million and effectively ended the screen careers of Goldie Hawn and Warren Beatty back when they could still command superstar salaries. Endless script rewrites and runaway egos transformed the seemingly modest "T&C" into a colossal cautionary tale.
31. "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider"(2001)
A nubile, 25 year old Angelina Jolie couldn't even make this video game vixen worthy of an hour and forty minutes of my most bored day off. She's a female Indiana Jones, minus the entertainment value. "Croft" is more akin to Pam Anderson's "Barb Wire", despite a sequel and a deceptively strong bottom line.
32. "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever"(2002)
Antonio Banderas battled Lucy Liu to the amusement of absolutely NO ONE in this ridiculous debacle that swiftly became the most derided film of 2002. If the goal of Thai director Kaos(?) was to take some of the heat off "Battlefield Earth" and "Freddy Got Fingered", he succeeded.
33. "Gigli"(2003)
What would you say if I told you that the infamous, universally-reviled flick that united Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez isn't even close to being the worst movie on this list?
34. "New York Minute"(2004)
It took only one minute to figure out that the 18 year old Olsen twins weren't making the transition into adult actresses. Even their teenybopper fan-base knew better than to run around NYC with the talentless tabloid-friendly twosome. My (unborn)daughter won't know anything about this dreadful duo.
35. "Catwoman"(2004)
What more needs to be said about the worst comic book movie of all time(yeah, I said it)? Halle Berry added a Razzie to her resume, and French director Pitof was banned from the film industry for life. Couldn't they have AT LEAST gotten the costume right? Tim Burton and Michelle Pfeiffer sure dodged a bullet.
36. "Exorcist: The Beginning"(2004)
For "Exorcist" fans, this putrid prequel WASN'T the beginning, it was the bitter end for a franchise that shouldn't have been. Director Renny Harlin was hired to squeeze a few more bucks out of "the scariest movie ever made", and took a nasty dump on it instead.
37. "The Man"(2005)
$am Jackson just couldn't turn down the paycheck attached to this painfully unfunny buddy flick in which his badass cop clashes with the timid Eugene Levy. I'm no studio exec or anything, but when your movie is 83 minutes long and the jokes are all twenty years old, guess what? YOU DON'T HAVE A MOVIE.
38. "The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift"(2006)
I don't know how the wheels didn't fall off the "Fast" franchise with this dire third entry, they call it quits after crud like this where I come from. Lucas Black left me yearning for the talents of Paul Walker, while Vin Diesel drops by to give gearheads a hard-on. Gentleman, please STOP your engines.
39. "Just My Luck"(2006)
Lindsey Lohan's luck run out before she was old enough to drink(not that that ever stopped her). Let's consider ourselves lucky that the redhead train wreck's(now-revoked) movie star status was mercifully short-lived.
40. "The Quiet"(2006)
Theaters were awfully quiet while this murky melodrama was playing(nobody was in them). It's hard to tell if this sibling rivalry was meant to be taken seriously, based on such utterly incompetent filmmaking. Elisha Cuthbert, if you're reading this, I'm sorry, let's talk about it.
41. "The Condemned"(2007)
Pro wrestling legend 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin scowls his way through this noisy, aptly-titled rip-off of "The Running Man"(which is NO classic btw) that couldn't even please the most undemanding action fans. Unskillfully directed by Scott Wiper(LOL!).
42. "Meet Dave"(2008)
Eddie Murphy is back in "Pluto Nash" territory in another terrible 'family' offering that got offed by "The Dark Knight" at the summer '08 box office, sliding the former comedic kingpin further into irrelevance.
43. "Passion Play"(2010)
Mickey Rourke came back down to Earth thanks to a winged Megan Fox(don't ask) in this ignominious indie that also features a generously-coiffed Bill Murray as a gangster villain named 'Happy' Shannon.
44. "Drive Angry"(2011)
'Angry' isn't a strong enough word to describe my feelings toward Nick Cage. Even casual observers know that the cash-strapped clown is an affront to quality cinema. Too bad he's box office poison, and hasn't turned down a thing since before we knew who Barack Obama was. Maybe he'll quit 'acting' if we all donate a dollar.
45. "Red State"(2011)
Kevin Smith couldn't even recoup a meager $4 million budget with this feeble tale of Christian fundamentalists that proved the jersey-wearing jackass is equally inept when it comes to cheap horror as he is with costly comedies.
46. "The Big Wedding"(2013)
Look at this cast(or the top half specifically). Somebody should have to give back an Oscar. I KNOW you didn't see "The Big Wedding". This is one invitation the whole world lost in the mail. In fact, it may be THE worst film that De Niro, or any of his cruelly-cackling co-conspirators, have EVER appeared in.
47. "Spring Breakers"(2013)
James Franco was starting to look legit, before he donned dreadlocks and launched a coed crime spree in this offensive trash that I can't see appealing to anyone that isn't dangerously depraved and/or mentally challenged. Director Harmony Korine should never be allowed behind a camera again.
48. "Transcendence"(2014)
There's NOTHING transcendent about the 2010s version of Johnny Depp. The aging heavyweight heartthrob looks every bit as miserable in this pointless and pretentious sci-fi folly as the eight people that made the mistake of watching it.
49. "Boulevard"(2014)
Where were all you Robin Williams worshipers from 2004-2014? You weren't paying to see his movies, "Night at the Museum" trilogy aside. It's a shame he had to die to become popular again, and a bigger shame that his last starring role, as a closeted homosexual, couldn't rise above the level of a lethargic Lifetime movie.
50. "Let's Be Cops"(2014)
Uhh, let's NOT be cops. Let's read a book or get a hobby or call a loved one and stop funding all this depressingly dumb dog shit.
51. "No Good Deed"(2014)
I see no evidence that Idris Elba is Denzel Washington's successor(as some misleading media might have us believe) in this thoroughly predictable and unpleasant thriller. It sounds like a lot of empty hype for a guy that has yet to headline anything worth my time.
52. "Tusk"(2014)
An undeterred Kevin Smith continues his quest to become the world's worst horror director in this demented and disgusting dud that I won't dignify with a plot description. This is something for stoners to stumble upon at 2 a.m., and they won't even like it.
53. "The Wedding Ringer"(2015)
Kevin Hart remains on my hit list and that's where he'll stay for the for-seeable future. If this talky twerp is the new face of comedy, then I must be a humorless asshole because his inane antics have yet to produce a smile.
54. "Mortdecai"(2015)
Is Johnny Depp trying to terminate his career? Or does he actually think that a moustache and an accent are funny?? Captain Jack's once-reliable brand of I-don't-care quirkiness is officially off-putting.
55. "The Boy Next Door"(2015)
Jennifer Lopez only makes movies for her female fans and I sincerely hope you're not one of them. That would mean you paid to see a poorly-acted and absurd knock-off of "Fatal Attraction" nearly thirty years after the fact, and are not currently putting your brain to much use.
56. "Taken 3"(2015)
Liam Neeson TAKES more of your money and gives back the worst possible remake of "The Fugitive" in return. We've paid a heavy price for embracing Bryan Mills with a wholly unwarranted "Taken" trilogy and Neeson's increasingly intolerable status as an unlikely action 'icon'.
57. "Hot Tub Time Machine 2"(2015)
Someone get me a time machine and set it for when every studio comedy didn't feel like a threat to humanity. All I wanted to see was these three stooges drown in their stupid hot tub, maybe that would have sold some tickets.
58. "Point Break"(2015)
There's only ONE "Point Break" and it stars Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze(google it, you teen twats). I hesitate to even acknowledge the nameless male models in this regrettable remake other than to say they got slayed by "Star Wars: The Force Awakens".
59. "Zoolander 2"(2016)
Sorry, Ben Stiller but I think you've finally passed your expiration date. 2001 was a long time ago, this character was only mildly amusing at best and there's more than enough nostalgic nonsense filling our screens without your tired tripe. Now fuck off and take Owen Wilson with you.
60. "Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising"(2016)
More tasteless, gross-out gags with Seth Rogen and Zac Efron, as if their first team-up in 2014 wasn't bad enough. I'd say that "N2" is an insult to our intelligence, if it's target audience had any. Party's over.
