A Critical Reevaluation- Rambo III

Thirty-five years ago today, the most expensive movie ever produced circa 1988, was released rather appropriately on Memorial Day weekend. The buzz was palpable, and there was no reason to think it wouldn't perform as well as "Rambo: First Blood Part II"- Sylvester Stallone's biggest box office hit to date. That didn't happen. Somehow, "Crocodile Dundee II" won the early June war for ticket sales and made more than twice as much money as this action-packed threequel. Paul Hogan's Outback hero had a pop culture moment there, but you'd be hard-pressed to find someone that cares about those comedies now. "Big", "Who Framed Roger Rabbit", and Rambo's friendly rival "Die Hard" were all better, soon-to-be released films in a very-competitive summer. That doesn't tell the whole story, though.

Stallone was mocked by the media for still portraying Russians as maniacal villians with the Cold War winding down. This criticism never made sense to me. It's ENTERTAINMENT, a testosterone-fueled fantasy, and with Vladimir Putin regularly reminding us of grim realities, I think it's safe to say that Sly has been vindicated on that one. Did the ridiculous double feature of "Cobra" and "Over the Top" really put a dent in Sly's once-bulletproof brand? When the smoke cleared, "Rambo III" went on to have a robust afterlife on cable where I always enjoyed it over the years. A 35th anniversary rewatch revealed something that I didn't fully appreciate or realize before all those CGI superheroes took over. This movie is actually awesome.

"III" was filmed in Arizona, Israel, and Thailand. Mega-producer Mario Kassar, his partner Andrew G. Vajna, and Carolco Pictures(the house that Rambo built) put that $60 million budget up on screen with real explosions, real stuntwork, and real sets/locations. The opening stickfight was filmed with a handheld camera by first-time director Peter MacDonald, long before anyone knew the names Ethan Hunt and Jason Bourne. A 41 year old Stallone looks fantastic, with an even more god-like physique than he achieved in "Rocky IV". In the most masculine era in movie history, with Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, and Jean-Claude Van Damme also flexing their muscles, that matters.

Remember when small roles were played by quality actors? I do. Sassan Gabai was an authentic guide, and Spiros Fokas made the most of his disarmingly effective monologue about the plight of the Afghan people. I feel like I'm really in the Middle East.

I'm not suggesting that "Rambo III" should have won Best Picture("Die Hard" should have). I AM suggesting that it may be better than "The Godfather Part III" which got seven Oscar nominations. I'll take it over "Iron Man 3" which made $409 million in America. Money and awards are not the final word on anything. At 102 minutes, this movie can be satisfyingly squeezed in before bedtime, and never gets bogged down by a boring plot or epic pretenses(I'm looking at you, "John Wick: Chapter 4"!). Where else are you going to find a lively game of Buzkashi or a late night in a heavily-guarded Soviet prison/fort? Is Rambo's knife even bigger than it was in the first two films?? The answer's yes. Richard Crenna's Col. Trautman picked a helluva time for humor, but God would have mercy. There's nothing soft about a super-soldier that cauterizes his own wound, casually kills Spetsnaz commandos, and strikes fear into a heartless gunship captain. I think I'm going to watch him do it again right now.

Two Star Movies Vol. 10

A fun cast(Tim Curry, Christopher Lloyd, Madeline Khan) couldn't put this frantic board game adaptation on my nostalgic '80s playlist. Was it Professor Plum, Colonel Mustard, or Miss Scarlett? For my money, Lesley Ann Warren is the standout of a messy murder mystery with three endings, that I didn't remember or care about three days later.

Jon Cryer dyes his hair and goes back to high school in this odd, uneven comedy-thriller that was supposed to make Duckie a movie star. It didn't happen. "Maxwell Hauser" is really a 27 year old stockbroker hiding from the mob. I mistakenly watched this movie multiple times as an eight year old with an HBO/Cinemax addiction.

Rebecca DeMornay blew it. Stardom once seemed inevitable for the blonde "Risky Business" beauty. This lame "Police Academy" rip-off about female FBI trainees, kept her and SNL alum Mary Gross far from the A-list.

Gary Oldman and Dennis Hopper should have been a potent pair(they share no screentime in "True Romance"). So, why has nobody on Earth seen this 1950s-set mental hospital drama? The dark recesses of free streaming sites Pluto and Tubi

This Tribeca turd vanished without a trace shortly after it's limited release, despite a Robert De Niro appearance and producer credit. Robert Wuhl, as a failing Hollywood filmmaker, simply doesn't have leading man appeal. Martin Landau and Danny Aiello couldn't even energize the proceedings. Actor Barry Primus directs for the first and last time.

Joe Pesci is a hairy, homeless eccentric that teaches Brendan Fraser and his Harvard friends(Patrick Dempsey, Moira Kelly) some valuable life lessons. This is a well-intentioned movie that I didn't buy for one minute, and Pesci's broad performance is often grating. Madonna gifted her music video director Alek Keshishian with a hit theme song- the radio-friendly "I'll Remember" is the only thing you will.

Mangold

Charlie Sheen shoots for movie stardom one last time in this limp sci-fi thriller, that didn't have a chance in the summer of "Twister", "Mission Impossible", and "Independence Day". It was off to rehab and sitcom salvation for the aging bad boy. Don't confuse this with the Amy Adams-Denis Villeneuve alien movie that arrived twenty years later, in 2016.

G Toro takes too long to show us something good. I was bored for at least an hour.

You can call it a guilty pleasure. I'll call it something else. The fourth episode in the killer doll saga gave baby-voiced Jennifer Tilly her 'best' role, and beat Oprah Winfey Oscar bait "Beloved" at the October box office. A small victory, that would ensure it's pint-sized protagonist(Brad Dourif) gained nostalgic entry into the 21st Century. Director Ronny Yu would return to garbage horror with "Freddy vs. Jason".

James Woods joins the worst Baldwin brother(Daniel) for this John Carpenter crud, the "Halloween" writer-director's only financial success in the '90s. A respectable worldwide gross wasn't enough to wash away "Escape from L.A." and JC's semi-retirement was imminent. At least Terry Silver(Thomas Ian Griffith) landed another screen credit as umm, a vampire.

My 20 year old self was supposed to love this glossy Jerry Bruckheimer junk. I must have been getting a little smarter. Cool criminal Nic Cage must steal 50 cars in 72 hours in Long Beach, California in a loose remake of the 1974 flick that nobody saw. Fast cars and a blonde, badass Angelina Jolie isn't enough for anyone with a functioning brain.

Sequel king Eddie Murphy(ten and counting) just can't stop ruining a good thing. The 1996 original was his comeback/comedic rebirth. "The Klumps" were uninvited dinner guests as we entered the new millenium. A sloppy, stupid, vulgar cash-grab that sullied the memory of a true triumph. One of the few bright spots- Janet Jackson's inescapable, deceptively-sweet soundtrack contribution "Doesn't Really Matter". REPEAT, DELETE

A still-blonde Angelina Jolie is torn between tabloid fame and legit movie stardom in this lukewarm comedy about.

Farrell

I should have liked this movie. Claire Danes plays an angelic heroine, Michelle Pfeiffer plays a villainous witch, Robert De Niro plays...never mind. The problem is I grew up with "The Princess Bride". Matthew Vaughn's fantasy adventure feels forced and flat, by comparison.

What's with Jennifer Aniston's movie career? It's over-populated with flops, yet she remained super-famous. Sparks didn't fly with A E in a romcom as lame as it's title. This movie can't even get play on Valentine's Day.

Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller

Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds were shooting blanks in this shite adaptation of the equally-short-lived 1999 comic book. The "Rest In Peace Department" was roundly rejected, despite it's "Ghostbusters" meets "Men in Black" ambience, a villainous Kevin Bacon, and an advantageous July release. With a $78 million worldwide gross on a $130 million budget, this is one of the decade's biggest busts.

Whew. This title alone did me in. It's only 81 minutes, you say? The next time you see it on your Disney+ menu scroll, keep moving.

Every November/December brings

Sequel king Eddie Murphy(ten and counting) just can't stop ruining a good thing.

This MMA drama has a fierce, fit 53 year old Halle Berry believably at it's center, and very little else going for it. The script and supporting cast is abysmal. Berry, who also directed for Netflix, appears to have poured all her energy into the climactic cage battle. Instead of the nominations she was clearly fighting for, her filmography takes another beating.

I know what you're thinking, hear me out. The original 2014 "Wick" was a lean and low-key 101 minutes. During this padded, pretentious fourth outing of the unlikely Keanu Reeves/Chad Stahelski franchise, I was having a hard time remembering what was once cool about the Continental. There are two good action scenes, and I was bored to tears by the remaining two hours and change.

The Year in Review- 2022

There's Tom Cruise celebrating the biggest box office hit of his career like it's 1986, in the LONG-awaited legacy sequel that officially ended self-imposed stay-at-home mandates, stagnant ticket sales, and any-and-all talk of movie theaters being dead. the beautiful Jennifer Connelly is a better romantic match than Kelly McGillis.

300 pound fat-suit