The Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen Vol. 1

You hear it all the time- "That was the worst movie I've ever seen". Often it's a gross exaggeration, a knee-jerk reaction to a particularly unpleasant cinematic experience. I hardly ever go that far. I always look for the positives. It's rare for a movie to have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. But then there are the movies on this list. These movies aren't simply 'bad'. I could name a hundred 'bad' movies. This is the worst of the worst. Some of these movies make me nauseous. If I had the power, I would burn them all in a giant bonfire. Get out your pitchforks. They're coming in order of their regrettable release.

1. "Plan 9 From Outer Space"(1957) Director Ed Wood's disaster-piece fully lives up(or I should say, down) to it's reputation. The pitiful "Plan 9" is historically significant for all the wrong reasons.

2. "Candy"(1968) This psychedelic nonsense is an offensively outdated relic that needs to stay buried in the bygone era it belongs to. Possibly the worst film of the late 1960s.

3. "The Bad News Bears Go to Japan"(1978) The worst sports movie of all time? Surely, the worst baseball movie. The Bears, now coached by a crusty, irrelevant Tony Curtis, fell so far from their beloved debut, just two years earlier. I barely made it through the 91 minutes that sent Jackie Earl Haley into hiding. "Breaking Training" is a minor classic by comparison.

4. "Caligulia"(1980) Helen Mirren has skeletons. Any movie that repeatedly shows me dozens of naked men needs to be roundly condemned. This pornographic depiction of Roman Emperor Caligulia(Malcolm McDowell) wouldn't even get made today.

5. "Hot to Trot"(1988) This talking horseshit eroded my faith in humanity. Bobcat Goldthwait may be the most unappealing presence in the 100-year history of film.

6. "Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare"(1991) Fuck you, Freddy. You're NOT dead, asshole, nor is this the final "Nightmare".

7. "Cool As Ice"(1991) Vanilla Ice's ridiculous get-up and this poster's tagline says it all.

8. "Mr. Nanny"(1993) Hulk Hogan limped back to the pro wrestling ring after this painfully-unfunny kiddie crap.

9. "House Party 3"(1994) Hip-hop has-beens Kid 'n' Play wore out their welcome in this horrible threequel.

10. "Serial Mom"(1994) A weathered Kathleen Turner(already aging quite badly) killed her career in John Waters' brutal black comedy about a murderous suburban housewife. Nineteen-ninety-four brought us the highest highs and the lowest lows.

11. "Exit to Eden"(1994) Rosie O'Donnell dressed like a dominatrix? Nothing more needs to be said. Why, Garry Marshall, WHY?

12. "Bio-Dome"(1996) Pauley Shore's popularity, however brief, is definitely a blemish on '90s pop culture.

13. "The Island of Dr. Moreau"(1996) This sci-fi calamity features screen legend Marlon Brando at his bloated, careless, eccentric, paycheck-collecting worst.

14. "Gone Fishin'"(1997) Where's Mel Gibson when you need him? Joe Pesci's retirement is starting to make more sense. What the hell were he and Danny Glover thinking?! This is the diabolical legacy of "Dumb and Dumber".

15. "8 Heads in a Duffel Bag"(1997) One Star for the Dumbest Comedy Ever. Has any actor ever sunk lower professionally than Joe Pesci in 1997?

16. "The Avengers"(1998) No, not the Marvel box office behemoth. It's the abysmal film version of the '60s British TV show starring Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, and Sean Connery.

17. "Battlefield Earth"(2000) Scientology is a cult. I knew that the moment John Travolta used all his clout to bring this bombastic BOMB to the big screen, which is based on the writings of L. Ron Hubbard.

18. "The Adventures of Pluto Nash"(2002) Nearly every live-action Eddie Murphy movie from the early 21st Century is like watching a former champion get knocked out in the first round.

19. "House of 1000 Corpses"(2003) Don't let Rob Zombie into YOUR house. He's not a filmmaker.

20. "Envy"(2004) Ben Stiller and Jack Black fight over a product that can vaporize dog shit. Where's the product that can vaporize this movie?

21. "Surviving Christmas"(2004) If you think "Gigli" is Ben Affleck's biggest crime, you never spent the holidays with him and a grimacing James Gandolfini.

22. "Dirty Love"(2005) Who told Jenny McCarthy that she was talented and funny? I want that person charged with aiding and abetting.

23. "Deck the Halls"(2006) Danny DeVito and Mathew Broderick are feuding neighbors, competing to find out who can torture an audience more in this deadly comedy.

24. "88 Minutes"(2008) Oh, Al, you broke MY heart.

25. "All About Steve"(2009) Sandra Bullock embarrassed herself in this dreadful comedy that earned her the Razzie for Worst Actress the same year as her Best Actress Oscar win for "The Blind Side", a rather dubious distinction. I'll bet you forgot a workaholic young buck named Bradley Cooper played Steve.