Legends- John Hughes 1950-2009

John Hughes is one of the most iconic creators in Hollywood history, and would have been 70 years old in 2020(and still working in some form or fashion) if not for a fatal heart attack in August 2009. Growing up in Michigan and Illinois, Hughes described himself as a quiet kid with a secret passion for art and music. And Gordie Howe's Detroit Red Wings(see Cameron Frye). After dropping out of college, his huge writing talents couldn't be contained to National Lampoon's humor magazine in the 1970s, so movie screenplays was the inevitable next step. Hughes was a human film factory at his peak, with an astounding 29 features as writer, director, or producer from 1982-1997(it's important to note that he only directed eight of them). I'm leaving 1983's "Savage Islands" and 1998's "Reach the Rock", two obscure, hard-to-find films off the list you're about to read, because they aren't comedies and don't really represent the Chicago legend. So, please enjoy my John Hughes rankings in order of quality and importance. There's simply no one like him today.

28. "Home Alone 3"(1997) So, what's the worst John Hughes film? It's gotta be #3, the long-forgotten, painfully-unnecessary threequel that a teenaged Macauley Culkin passed on when he retired from acting in the mid-'90s. A misguided Hughes rewrote his script for an all-new cast of characters, led by eight year old Alex D. Linz of "One Fine Day" fame. Is there anything nice to say? Scarlett Johansson got some more experience in front of the camera. Otherwise, this is a dopey infantilization that doesn't deserve any relation to the iconic 1990 original. Somehow, Roger Ebert enjoyed it more than the first two. He was literally the only one on Earth.

27. "National Lampoon's Class Reunion"(1982) Or maybe the worst Hughes movie is the first Hughes movie. A 1972 high school reunion is the set-up for a black comedy that fell way short of it's inspiration, 1978's "National Lampoon's Animal House". I didn't go to my reunion. I'm skipping this one too.

26. "Baby's Day Out"(1994) Hey, what if we did "Home Alone" with a nine-month old? That was the extent of Fox's cynical plan at the tail-end of the Hughes era in Hollywood. The $48 million budget is a testament to the brand he built, but this live-action cartoon isn't much better than the Youtube videos that you're little ones make you suffer through. Baby Bink(Jacob and Adam Worton) had no chance against "Forrest Gump" in July '94, and with the exception of the odd meme, has mostly faded from memory. I'll bet Joe Mantegna and Joe Pantoliano, slumming as the bozo bad guys, are glad.

25. "Career Opportunities"(1991) Even bad movies can have bright spots, like a 19 year old Jennifer Connelly riding a mechanical horse. The Hughes factory was relentless by '91, but "Career Opportunities" didn't make Ferris Bueller-wannabe Frank Whaley a star or leave any other lasting impression. A glorified 83-minute ad for red retailer Target, even Hughes disliked the "cheap, vulgar" finished product. John Candy's store manager supplies the film's sole chuckle.

24. "Flubber"(1997) Hughes was done by 1997, and it has to be noted that the last few films that bore his name were produced from a great distance. The retired boomer wrote this goofy remake of "The Absent-Minded Professor" before his self-imposed exile, in which an overworked Robin Williams experiments with bouncy green goo. Dean Cundey's cinematography, Danny Elfman's score, and the U.S. box office($93 million) indicates that some people left Les Mayfield's film feeling like they had a good time.

23. "National Lampoon's European Vacation"(1985) Amy Heckerling replaced Harold Ramis as the director of this second Griswald adventure, a development that Chevy Chase admitted to being unhappy with. That lack of harmony is part of the reason that "European Vacation" is easily the least successful installment of the '80s comedy trilogy(Hughes had nothing to do with 1997's "Vegas Vacation"). Still, it's another summer with Clark and company, and wasn't completely devoid of memorable moments("Look kids, Big Ben...Parliament.").

22. "The Great Outdoors"(1988) An obnoxious Dan Aykroyd ruins John Candy's quiet summer getaway in this overly-familiar odd-couple family comedy. I should like this movie more than I do, considering I saw it in the theater when I was eight. There's some fun to be had at their Wisconsin cabin, thanks to hungry raccoons, a 96-ounce steak, a legendary bald grizzly bear, and the "Land of a Thousand Dances". Wait a minute, maybe this movie is a classic, after all. A 29 year old Annette Bening makes her film debut as Aykroyd's annoying wife.

21. "Dennis the Menace"(1993) Six-year old blonde troublemaker Mason Gamble beat out 20,000 other boys to play the title character in this critic-proof adaptation of the Hank Ketcham comic strip that began in 1951. Walter Matthua is marvelous as grumpy old Mr. Wilson(he had a great 1993), and Christopher Lloyd disappears into the role of the grimy crook clearly meant to evoke Harry and Marv. Like those great actors, Jerry Goldsmith's score is better than the material deserves. "Dennis" grossed $117 million worldwide, and has appeared on Netflix's most-watched list as recently as 2020.

20. "She's Having a Baby"(1988) Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth McGovern are a young newlywed couple struggling to cope in this middling self-explanatory comedy, the sixth Hughes directorial effort. "Baby" is good enough to make you wish it was better, but failed to recoup it's budget in the wake of "Baby Boom" and "Three Men and a Baby". That's a lot of babies. In a year in which he appeared in five films, a busy Alec Baldwin steals his scenes as Bacon's best friend. This is not essential Hughes.

19. "Weird Science"(1985) Is Kelly LeBrock's computer babe essential Hughes? This oh-so-'80s cult comedy was written in two days(wow) and banged out concurrently with "The Breakfast Club". "Science" was a late summer sleeper(but not exactly a GOOD movie) that introduced Robert Downey Jr. and birthed Oinga Boingo's most successful single and a mid-'90s TV series. Oh, and there's Anthony Michael Hall, who has Hughes to thank for one of the great teen actor runs of all time.

18. "101 Dalmatians"(1996) Woof, woof. Glenn Close camps it up as the dog-hating villainess immortalized by Disney in 1961. I feel like the world forgot about this movie, and director Stephen Herek("Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure", "The Mighty Ducks"). Well, I was there and it happened. Close and her Anthony Powell attire are the obvious draw. The 2000 sequel was produced without any involvement from Hughes.

17. "Beethoven"(1992) Charles Grodin's last significant role was this grumpy patriarch of a suburban brood that falls for a runaway St. Bernard. A surprise hit, Hughes cranked out the script for Universal under his pseudonym, "Edmond Dantes", perhaps to sidestep the expected wrath of unamused critics. "Beethoven" was embraced by families of the era, don't bother with any dogshit sequels.

15, 16. "Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink"(1984,1986) I should just come right out and say that I was never a big Molly Ringwald guy. His teenage muse was never better than average, and her momentary success is a testament to his brilliance. He could have cast almost any girl in the same age range and gotten the same results. How many Molly movies can you name after 1990? I rest my case. Hughes made his directorial debut with "Candles", and handed "Pink" over to his protege Howard Deutch. Jon Cryer's endearing Duckie gives the latter film the edge. "SC" has come under fire from revisionist critics, perhaps deservingly so, for a date-rape joke and the unfunny Long Duk Dong(Gedde Watanabe) character.

14. "Mr. Mom"(1983) Hughes was inspired to write about a "disastrous" experience he had taking care of his two small kids in the absence of his wife, a can't-miss premise that caught the attention of TV titan Aaron Spelling and upstart producer Lauren Shuler(Donner). How many egoless men out there are secure enough to devote their afternoons to supermarkets and soap operas and stand behind their breadwinning wives? Teri Garr was a star during this period, and the overachieving Caroline Butler was really the talented blonde's last good part. Most of "Mr. Mom" is sitcom stuff, but it did provide a big opportunity for a 30 year old Michael Keaton, proving himself a viable leading man in between loads of laundry. That has to count for something.

13. "Curly Sue"(1991) The last film that Hughes directed(he never really loved the process) was calculatedly marketed as another surefire family blockbuster in the hope that nine-year old Alisan Porter would catch on as Macauley Culkin's kid sister. It didn't happen, and critics were against just about every '90s Hughes project that wasn't "Home Alone". With that being said, this semi-serious tale of a homeless hustler(James Belushi) and his precocious daughter is harmless enough and may even please the kids in your life on a boring schoolnight. Kelly Lynch costars as the hot lawyer/love interest that only exists in the movies.

12. "Miracle on 34th Street"(1994) Richard Attenborough is an all-time Santa Claus, and Mara Wilson is low-key the best child actress of the '90s. With that being said, this cute remake of the 1947 classic didn't click with Clinton-era audiences, opening at #8(ouch) and finishing with only $17 million in the U.S. Time has been kinder to Cole's department store's Kris Kringle(Macy's politely declined), and plenty of families have since put this version in their holiday rotation. Not-so-fun fact- Hughes quietly moved back to Chicago in the wake of this film's disappointing box office and the death of John Candy, essentially ending his career.

11. "Dutch"(1991) An obvious reworking of the "Planes, Trains & Automobiles" formula, this Thankgiving road trip was a cable favorite of mine, and the underrated chemistry of Ed O'Neill and the comically evil Ethan Embry got them a short-lived "Dragnet" revival a decade later. It's class warfare between a would-be father and stepson, and "Dutch" deserves consideration every November that you're too drained to know what to watch. Let's hope that it's streaming availibility remains, which wasn't the case for a few years there.

10. "Some Kind of Wonderful"(1987) Howard Deutch's best film? I think so. Eric Stoltz is a shy teen trying to win over the girls of his dreams(Deutch's soon-to-be wife Lea Thompson) in this likeable high school comedy. Critics pointed out the plot recycling from previous Hughes-Deutch collaboration "Pretty in Pink", but I can't be alone in thinking that "Wonderful" works even better. Mary Stuart Masterson, Elias Koteas, Craig Sheffer, and John Ashton make up the colorful supporting cast.

9. "Only the Lonely"(1991) Four films were released in 1991 with the 'John Hughes' label, but this is the only one that he didn't write. Actually, it's the only film on this list that he didn't write. Hughes got involved as a producer on behalf of his "Home Alone" partner Chris Columbus, and was likely instrumental in securing the services of John Candy and Ally Sheedy. This is a sweet movie with a scene-stealing Maureen O'Hara who hadn't worked in twenty years. Like it's lovelorn cop-hero Danny Maldoon, "Lonely" is longing for your attention.

8. "Uncle Buck"(1989) John Hughes and John Candy worked extremely well together. There's an alternate reality where the two collaborated on a dozen films that kept getting more serious and interesting(but perhaps not the cancelled Sylvester Stallone team-up that came close to happening after "Curly Sue"). Lazy bachelor Buck Russell is easily one of Candy's best roles, and topped the box office for three weeks at the end of the highly-competitive '89 summer. If you had basic cable in the '90s, you watched this movie a hundred times. A short-lived sitcom had nothing to do with Candy or Hughes.

7. "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York"(1992) This inevitable sequel was the second-biggest moneymaker of the year(behind "Aladdin") and is honestly just as enjoyable if you can get past the implausibility of Kevin McCallister meeting up with the Wet Bandits again. Big Mac lives it up at the Plaza Hotel, befriends a pigeon lady(Brenda Fricker), and turns New York City into his personal playground. Name another family movie where a fifth grader throws bricks from a roof. You can't. Shout out to Tim Curry's uptight concierge, the Talkboy, Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern's stunt-doubles(Troy Brown and Leon Delaney), and director Chris Columbus. "HA2" was really the last time Hughes had the public's full attention. Believe me, it was as big as any superhero movie.

6. "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation"(1989) This enormously popular threequel has achieved an "It's a Wonderful Life"-like visibility in the last six weeks of the year. One could even argue that it's surpassed Frank Capra's classic with today's young people who just can't be bothered with anything made in the 1940s. Hughes couldn't have possibly predicted how much Clark Griswald's Christmas lights and overbearing relatives would still resonate in the 21st Century. Director Jeremiah S. Chechik was blessed with a big cast- Beverly D'Angelo, Juliette Lewis, Johnny Galecki, Doris Roberts, Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Randy Quaid is a riot in the role that he would never live down.

5. "National Lampoon's Vacation"(1983) Is the original even better? It's a toss-up, but I give the slight edge to the Griswald's first outing because it's screenplay was the real launchpad for Hughes. I don't think anything happens without it. Fun fact- Chevy Chase and director Harold Ramis decided that the film worked best with Clark as the clear protagonist, a deviation from the conception that focused more on son Rusty. With all due respect to Hughes and Anthony Michael Hall, it was the right call. From Christie Brinkley to Walley World and all the black comedy in between, this movie looks and feels like the early '80s, but it's still very funny.

4. "The Breakfast Club"(1985) Hughes was responsible for a handful of masterpieces, and this may be the first one. All-day detention with a brain, a jock, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal in the consensus #1 high school movie(Ferris rarely went). Emilio Estevez, Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall, and Ally Sheedy are forever indebted to Hughes for their place in film history. How is Judd Nelson so great as Bender and so-not-great in everything else? The simple answer is Hughes. "DON"T YOU....FORGET ABOUT ME". Don't worry, we won't.

3. "Home Alone"(1990) The earth-shattering success of the year's highest grosser was the beginning of the end for the prolific creator. Hughes knew that Macauley Culkin was special on the set of "Uncle Buck", and never HAD to work again after this film's historic box office performance. What more needs to be said about a movie that everyone in the civilized world has seen multiple times? That John Williams score is such an underrated ingredient, Chris Columbus is a family film master, Catherine O'Hara could have been nominated, and Kevin McCallister's Dad(John Heard) must have been some kind of criminal. That house is huge. So is "Home Alone". It's 103 minutes of pure bliss.

2. "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"(1986) "BUELLER...BUELLER". Matthew Broderick was immortalized as the towering truant that can't be confined to a classroom or any other place with authority figures in the most epic teen movie ever made. I saw this movie when I was six and immediately got it. Hughes understands the rebellious nature of young people at a molecular level, and his beloved Chicago is captured as beautifully as Mia Sara's Sloane. A college-set sequel was mooted, but thankfully, thrown out the window with Cameron's father's Ferrari. Do me and Ferris a favor, and call in sick tomorrow. I shouldn't have to tell you that life moves pretty fast.

1. "Planes, Trains & Automobiles"(1987) How do you pick a #1? You can't, but I give the slight edge to Steve Martin and John Candy's endlessly-enjoyable trip two days before Thankgiving. I'm at a point where I think about this movie as much as turkey and gravy and mashed potatoes in late-November and it's as good as anything sitting on your plate that day. Three titanic comic talents got together and gave us something that I'm certain will still be around in another 30-40 years. If only Candy had lived long enough to see the staying power of his cheerful nomad Del Griffith. His perm and his bathroom habits and his heartbreaking monologue are as potent as ever. A 4K Blu-ray release in 2022 contained over an hour of deleted and extended footage from Hughes' personal archives.

R.I.P. Sean Connery 1930-2020

The world was saddened to learn of the death of Sean Connery today at age 90. One of the coolest, most charismatic leading men of all time, Connery will always be fondly recalled for his seven-film stint(1962-1983) as the original 007. James Bond is a pop culture institution, and every actor that inhertits the role walks in his shadow. I could go one better and argue any actor that ever benefitted from a long-running film franchise owes him a "thanks". In the mid-'80s, Sean did what an aging icon is supposed to do- he graduated to the role of elder stateman and had one of the great late-career box office runs, in "The Untouchables"(for which he won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar), "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade", "The Hunt for Red October", and "The Rock". 'The Sexiest Man Alive'(circa 1989) taught us that there's no reason to fear Father Time, with his unmatched vitality and vigor. He built a bridge from Alfred Hitchcock and Sidney Lumet to Steven Spielberg and Michael Bay. A disillusioned Connery permanently retired from acting in 2003, after tiring "of the idiots that run the place". I wonder how he would feel about them today. We're not likely to see another Sean Connery.

Complete filmography- "Lilacs in the Spring"(1954), "No Road Back"(1957), "Hell Riders"(1957), "Action of the Tiger"(1957), "Time Lock"(1957), "Another Time, Another Place"(1958), "Darby O'Gill and the Little People"(1959), "Tarzan's Greatest Adventure"(1959), "On the Fiddle"(1961), "The Frightened City"(1961), "The Longest Day"(1962), "Dr. No"(1962), "From Russia with Love"(1963), "Goldfinger"(1964), "Marnie"(1964), "Woman of Straw"(1964), "The Hill"(1965), "Thunderball"(1965), "Un monde nouveau"(1966), "A Fine Madness"(1966), "You Only Live Twice"(1967), "The Bowler and the Bunnet"(1967), "Shalako"(1968), "The Red Tent"(1969), "The Molly Maguires"(1970), "The Anderson Tapes"(1971), "Diamonds Are Forever"(1971), "The Offence"(1973), "Zardoz"(1974), "Murder on the Orient Express"(1974), "Ransom"(1974), "The Wind and the Lion"(1975), "The Man Who Would Be King"(1975), "Robin and Marian"(1976), "The Next Man"(1976), "A Bridge Too Far"(1977), "The First Great Train Robbery"(1978), "Meteor"(1979), "Cuba"(1979), "Outland"(1981), "Time Bandits"(1981), "G'ole!"(1982), "Five Days One Summer"(1982), "Wrong Is Right"(1982), "Never Say Never Again"(1983), "Sword of the Valiant"(1984), "Highlander"(1986), "The Name of the Rose"(1986), "The Untouchables"(1987), "The Presidio"(1988), "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"(1989), "Family Business", "The Hunt for Red October"(1990), "The Russia House"(1990), "Highlander II: The Quickening"(1991), "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves"(1991), "Medicine Man"(1992), "Rising Sun"(1993), "A Good Man in Africa"(1994), "Just Cause"(1995), "First Knight"(1995), "Dragonheart"(1996)-voice role, "The Rock"(1996), "The Avengers"(1998), "Playing by Heart"(1998), "Entrapment"(1999), "Finding Forrester"(2000), "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen"(2003), "Sir Billi"(2012)-voice role.

R.I.P. Olivia de Havilland 1916-2020

she

R.I.P. Ennio Morricone 1928-2020

One of the greatest film composers of all time(top five?)

60 Movies That Suck Dick Vol. 5

"Movies are binary. They either work or they don't".- George Lucas

1. "The Big Boss"(1971) Martial arts legend Bruce Lee made four movies in his too-short life. At least two of them are nearly unwatchable. I'm not trying to upset his large loyal fanbase, but have any of them ACTUALLY SEEN this lately?

2. "Pocket Money"(1972) Paul Newman made some boring movies, that can only be unearthed by a deep dive into his filmography(Lee Marvin, I'm looking at you too). This cowboy crud from his "Cool Hand Luke" director Stuart Rosenberg, is like watching paint dry.

3. "Paradise Alley"(1978) Was "Rocky" a fluke? That's the question critics and audiences couldn't help pondering, as they stumbled out of writer/director/star Sylvester Stallone's wildly inept attempt to replicate his historic 1976 Oscar winner, with a ham-fisted 1940s wrestling storyline. "Alley" belongs in one, buried under a pile of rubble. A resilient Stallone would, of course, fight back, but the honeymoon was over.

4. "Bloodline"(1979) A 49 year old Audrey Hepburn was flirting with irrelevance in this odious, obscure thriller that never gets mentioned when her iconic career is discussed. Hollywood's fairest lady only made four movies in the last 25 years of her life. You're looking at the worst one.

5. "The Hollywood Knights"(1980) This woeful "American Graffiti" wannabe was wiped off the face of the Earth by "The Empire Strikes Back" over the 1980 Memorial Day weekend(how poetic). There's only ONE reason this movie deserves ANY attention- a 21 year old Michelle Pfeiffer is stunningly beautiful in her film debut.

6. "Friday the 13th Part 2"(1981) Jason Vorhees kicks off his killing spree in unintimidating overalls and a burlap sack over his head(his maniacal mother started the cycle one year earlier). Horror buffs should try watching a good movie for a change. This is utterly incompetent filmmaking.

7. "Losin' It"(1983) A 19 year old Tom Cruise showed no potential whatsoever, and neither did director Curtis Hanson for that matter, in this terrible teen comedy. Life is just too short to find out if Tom and his buddies lose their virginity in Tijuana with "Cheers" star Shelley Long in tow.

8. "Body Double"(1984) Brian De Palma needed to give his cinema-soaked brain a break once in a while. One year after his masterpiece "Scarface", came this awful Hitchcock knockoff that would quickly be forgotten by all but his diehard fans. The weak Craig Wasson is no one's idea of a leading man. Melanie Griffith's porn star is the only plus.

9. "Dune"(1984) Speaking of celebrated directors taking a dump on their good names, I give you David Lynch's dire adaptation of Frank Herbert's 1965 novel. One of the biggest failures of the mid-'80s, Siskel and Ebert were united in their hatred for the "Heaven's Gate" of sci-fi epics. Here's a hot take- the 2021 remake isn't THAT much better.

10. "Code of Silence"(1985) Chuck Norris can't act. I'll take Stallone in "Cobra" and the worst episode of "Miami Vice" over this crap cop movie and it's anemic screenplay anyday. Director Andrew Davis("Under Siege", "The Fugitive") would rebound.

11. "The Money Pit"(1986) It's amazing that Tom Hanks found himself a two-time Oscar winner less than a decade after this dismal extended sitcom. Shelley Long, on the other hand, should have been happy on hers. "Pit" is a steaming pile of shit.

12. "Ishtar"(1987) An argument can be made that this notorious flop set female directors back by about ten years(the talented Elaine May never worked again). Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman had more fun fumbling around Morocco than anyone in America had watching them do it. The press had a field day beating up on the overpaid pair in the summer of '87, making "Ishtar" shorthand for costly star-driven debacles.

13. "Cousins"(1989) Ted Danson takes a break from bartending to romance Isabella Rossellini. His wife Sean Young sneaks off with William Petersen. I don't want to shit on the late Joel Schumacher, but this rotten relationship drama really doesn't work on any level. So, why did I sacrifice two hours of sleep to watch it?

14. "Crazy People"(1990) Don't let this picture fool you. The once-hot Dudley Moore seemed totally deflated by this poorly scripted comedy about an ad executive that mingles with mental patients, his last lead role in a movie(multiple health problems forced the "Arthur" star into an early retirement by the mid-'90s). A fading Daryl Hannah wouldn't fare that much better during the Clinton years.

15. "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey"(1991) The 1989 original had a goofy charm. Then they had to go and ruin it with a wretched sequel that sends the Wyld Stallions(Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter) on a witless romp through the afterlife. In fairness, William Sadler picked up cult status as Death, in a movie that feels like it for me. More on Bill and Ted later.

16. "Raising Cain"(1992) Brian De Palma is back with a nonsensical psychological thriller about split personalities that gave John Lithgow an excuse to overact(not that he ever needed one). The 'New Hollywood' leader has had a wildly up-and-down directorial career. More on that later.

17. "Super Mario Bros."(1993) We might as well get Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo out of the way. Even as a 13 year old Nintendo addict on a summer high, I wasn't going for this. Perhaps the most infamous release of the early '90s, "SMB" gutted every kid in the country with it's putrid production design, incompetent direction, and total lack of anything that resembled the video game's appeal. Thank the movie gods for "Jurassic Park".

18. "Blank Check"(1994) Eleven-year old Brian Bonsall("Family Ties") was a charmless Macauley Culkin clone in this badly-directed Disney dreck about the misadventures of a temporarily rich tyke. His kissing scene with '90s babe Karen Duffy generated mild controversy, but the biggest offense was the film itself.

19. "Baby's Day Out"(1994) Speaking of family film failures, writer-producer John Hughes really thought he could unleash an indestructible infant on his beloved Chicago and beat up more bumbling bad guys(Joe Mantegna, Joey Pants) "Home Alone"-style, and summertime audiences would just eat it up. They did not. A comedic sea change would force the formerly-powerful Hughes from public view by year's end.

20. "Bogus"(1996) What a fitting title for this Whoopi Goldberg bullshit, that features fat Frenchman Gerard Depardieu as a child's imaginary friend, an idea that not one kid in the country went for. Norman Jewison's baffling comic fantasy didn't even open in the top ten, an embarrassment for all involved.

21. "Bulletproof"(1996) Salt-N-Pepa produced a bangin' underrated single("Champagne") for this film's soundtrack. That's the only good thing that came out of the 85-minute buddy movie bollocks, in which Adam Sandler and Damon Wayans annoy each other, and the audience most of all. Despite his limited cinematic credentials, director Ernest Dickerson still regrets making it.

22. "Anaconda"(1997) An annoyingly-accented Jon Voight parted ways with his senses long before his far-right social media activity put him out to pasture. Jennifer Lopez continued her big-screen rise, via this film's undeserved box office success. Don't buy into this killer snake's cult classification, it's easily one of the worst films of 1997.

23. "The Other Sister"(1999) Julliette Lewis goes full retard and loses her "NBK" cool factor in Garry Marshall's miserable drama. "Sister" wants you to feel good and does the exact opposite. The normally-kind Roger Ebert gave it one-star.

24. "The 13th Warrior"(1999) How did John McTiernan, the architect of "Predator" and the two best "Die Hard" movies, fail so profoundly with this punishing Michael Crichton adaptation? The "Jurassic Park" author was deeply involved to the detriment of Touchtone Pictures. Antonio Bandaras' Muslim hero was shelved for a year of retooling after disastrous test screenings, only to take his place among the biggest bombs of all time.

25. "I Dream of Africa"(2000) When I dream of Kim Basinger, it's never because of this sedate Oscar bait that no one has seen or thought of in over twenty years. The title tells you everything you need to know about this snoozefest. Hugh Hudson("Chariots of Fire") directs for the second-to-last time.

26. "Bless the Child"(2000) Bad year for Basinger. The beautiful Oscar winner never could carry a film, and her two 2000 turds made that strikingly clear. Director Chuck Russell("The Mask") pits her against a Satanic cult in a movie that went straight to hell.

27. "Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles"(2001) Paul Hogan was a decade past his expiration date when he revived his '80s Outback hero for the most unnecessary threequel ever created. Don't do what I did, and drag a loved one along to watch him in "Los Angeles" in a misguided trip down memory lane.

28. "Swordfish"(2001) Joel Silver's producing hubris and Halle Berry's beautiful breasts weren't enough to save this woeful would-be blockbuster, that's operating under the mistaken belief that a long-haired John Travolta is still really cool(a long seven years after "Pulp Fiction") and that computer hacking was a solid foundation for summer fun. It's not, and Hugh Jackman would wisely stick with Wolverine after this.

29. "Full Frontal"(2002) Steve Soderbergh's pointless, plotless showbiz experiment is what you get from an unshackled filmmaker with too much confidence in his abilities, and too little regard for his audience(unsurprisingly, "FF" totally failed to find one). Here's Julia Roberts, merely doing her "Erin Brockovich" director a big favor.

30. "Femme Fatale"(2002) We might as well go all in on the Brian De Palma bashing. Rebecca Romijn was badly exposed in this pretentious Euro trash, and I don't mean her sexy striptease. I mean, she can't act. Antonio Bandaras was rendered powerless, and sensible viewers never looked forward to another De Palma film.

31. "Freddie vs. Jason"(2003) Freddy and Jason finally throw down, ten years after it was teased in 1993's "Jason Goes to Hell". That's one of the worst films in existence. "Bride of Chucky" director Ronny Yu's rancid crossover isn't far behind.

32. "In the Cut"(2003) Congratulations to writer-director Jane Campion on "The Power of the Dog". Oscar recognition seemed far out of reach when considering her last major release, an erroneous erotic thriller that was marketed as a potential comeback for a brunette Meg Ryan. It wasn't, and the since-semi-retired romcom queen has yet to make another worthwhile film.

33. "The Forgotten"(2004) This junky, aptly-titled sci-fi thriller didn't deserve the time and talent of Julianne Moore, nor did it deserve Gary Sinise(in an embarrassingly small role). Somehow, "The Forgotten" made money, around the same time we reelected George W. Bush. I guess it makes sense.

34. "Saw II"(2005) The '04 original can be classified as a guilty pleasure. But the problem with that is, you get pathetic garbage like this a year later, and that's something I can't condone with a clear conscience. The "Saw" cycle is one of the more unfortunate developments of the 2000s decade.

35. "The Wicker Man"(2006) There's no way I'm getting through this list without an appearance from Nicolas Cage's crazy ass. Holy shit. Some people actually enjoy Nic's nutzoid I.R.S.-abating acting style and choices. I, for one, do not.

36. "Planet Terror"(2007) The Robert Rodriguez half of "Grindhouse" was an ugly, misguided flop that greatly overestimated the public's affection for zombies and low-budget '70s-style trash. This would thankfully be the last time the rabid Rose McGowan was positioned to be a star. Quentin Tarantino's "Death Proof" went down much better.

37. "Paranormal Activity"(2007) This micro-budgeted indie franchise-starter was an unexpectedly big horror hit, and I couldn't care less. Never underestimate the power of clever advertising and internet hype. Inexperienced actors in a grainy bedroom, ripping off "The Blair Witch Project" is not my idea of a good time.

38. "Aliens vs Predator: Requiem"(2007) The Brothers Strause? Are you fucking kidding me?! I hope you like these two slimy sci-fi legends, because there's not ONE human character to latch onto. The FX are fine, but who gives a shit.

39. "Wanted"(2008) James McAvoy's office drone joins a secret society of superheroes, headed by Anjelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. Just watch "The Matrix" instead. Let's be glad this shitty adaptation of the short-lived graphic novel never got a sequel. Russian export Timur Bekmambetov has no real talent in my view.

40. "Paul Blart: Mall Cop"(2009) I can't believe we got two god-awful movies about galleria security guards in the first half of 2009. Kevin James kicked things off, with slapstick antics that wouldn't work on a seven-year old, to foil a heist/hostage situation. Incredulously, this film made $183 million worldwide.

41. "Observe and Report"(2009) I would say that Seth Rogen's psycho mall cop isn't aging well, if he was ever even funny to begin with. When you get your ass kicked by Paul Blart, you've made one foul comedy.

42. "The Last Airbender"(2010) Movies that the whole world hates are actually pretty rare. M. Night Shyamalan made it happen, with his Nickelodeon adaptation that I didn't care about for one minute. A trilogy was planned and immediately scrapped, I'll take that as a small victory.

43. "Get the Gringo"(2012) A grizzled Mel Gibson couldn't make fans forget his many controversies in this arbitrary actioner with a who-cares plot and a straight-to-DVD stench. I'll watch "Lethal Weapon 3" thirty more times before I'll sit through this Mexico-set mess again.

44. "Vamps"(2012) I'll bet you didn't even know that Alicia Siverstone and her "Clueless" writer-director Amy Heckerling reunited for this repugnant horror comedy that vanished without a trace mere weeks after it's fall release. It was a depressing reversal of fortune for the duo that once had the MTV generation firmly in their corner.

45. "White House Down"(2013) I like dumb-ass action as much as the next guy, but there's no joy to be had with this deadly-derivative thriller designed solely to separate summertime audiences from their expendable incomes. Director Roland Emmerich instructed Channing Tatum to make like John McClane and Jamie Foxx to act like Obama, while blowing up Washington again(with boring, weightless CGI, of course).

46. "Fifty Shades of Grey"(2015) Dakota Johnson is attractive and likable. I wanted to say something nice. Author E.L. James wrestled a significant amount of creative control away from demoralized director Sam Taylor-Johnson, who says she regrets making "Grey" her first(and to date last) big studio film. I've seen Skinemax movies from the early '90s that were better than this.

47. "Blackhat"(2015) Director Michael Mann only made ONE bad film, and it's also one of his last. That's a damn shame. What the FUCK is this movie even about?! Chris Hemsworth, fatally miscast as a computer hacker, is proof that we don't have real movie stars anymore.

48. "Pee Wee's Big Holiday"(2016) Paul Reubens lobbied for years to resurrect his manic man-child for a trilogy outing, before a rapidly-expanding Netflix answered his prayers. As an '80s fanboy, I was glad. Then I saw the movie. There wasn't one laugh or even smile to be gleaned from this not-so-big adventure. Be careful what you wish for.

49. "Dark Crimes"(2016) Jim Carrey's worst movie finds the fabled funnyman sulking around with a scruffy beard and a pretentious air as a Polish detective on a sordid case that I've already deleted from my memory. A 0% on Rotten Tomatoes and non-existent ticket sales made this slow-moving, one-note slog a career-killer for it's once-mighty star.

50. "Cult of Chucky"(2017) If you're in the cult of Brad Dourif's killer doll, I'm here to help, because he was only fun the first two times we saw him. When you see his malevolent smile on your Peacock menu in October, don't do what I did, keep scrolling by.

51. "Terminal"(2018) The beauty and talent of Margot Robbie(and a rare Mike Myers sighting) couldn't redeem this empty, insidious indie thriller, that desperately wanted to play to an underground film community looking for a 'hip' alternative to "Avengers: Infinity War". Writer-director Vaughn Stein doesn't even have a Wikipedia page. That's unlikely to change.

52. "Stuber"(2019) This abysmal action-comedy gets one-and-a-half stars. Big Dave Batista has gotta do better than this if he wants to hang around Hollywood with fellow WWE legend Dwayne Johnson. When Kamail Nanjiani pulls up in an Uber, please read a book instead.

53. "Good Boys"(2019) I'm predicting that Jacob Tremblay won't be particularly proud one day of his association with producer Seth Rogen. Hey, let's do "Superbad" with twelve year olds. I wouldn't let my kids near this pitiful excuse for a comedy and I'm no humorless puritan.

54. "Cats"(2019) Taylor Swift will have to wait for another big budget springboard. Tom Hooper's stupefying film version of the 1981 stage musical only made $27 million domestically on a $95 million budget, leaving online commentators calling for the return of his Oscars for "The King's Speech". Andrew Lloyd Webber reportedly warned Universal that their CGI plans were "ridiculous".

55. "Bad Boys for Life"(2020) I'm confused by all the love and respect that awaited this belated threequel(most critics hated "BBII" way back in 2003). Richard Roeper, why the about-face? Martin Lawrence doesn't do ONE THING in this movie to help Big Will out with the poorly-written bad guys. Covid created a world where "For Life" became the biggest hit of the year by default, another reason that 2020 won't be remembered at all fondly.

56. "Dolittle"(2020) A strangely-lifeless performance from Robert Downey Jr. sank this redundant reimagining of the eccentric animal doctor, that was better rendered by Eddie Murphy and Rex Harrison. This is what happens when you do nothing but Marvel movies for twelve years.

57. "Inheritance"(2020) I love Lily Collins and her eyebrows, but this ludicrous, little-seen thriller was a backwards step for the budding brunette star. Fortunately for her A-list prospects, the pandemic didn't even give it a chance to bomb badly at the summer box office.

58. "Bill and Ted Face the Music"(2020) It took FIFTEEN years to get Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter back in their time-hopping phone booth(the popularity of "John Wick" pushed #3 over the finish line). What a huge waste of time and energy for internet supporters and screenwriters Chris Matheson and Ed Solomon. Admittedly, I'm no big "B&T" fan, but did anyone come to "Music" with more than a morbid curiosity? Did anyone actually enjoy it?? I didn't think so.

59. "The War with Grandpa"(2020) Robert De Niro just can't stay away from dreck. A year after "The Irishman" reminded us of the good old days, the 76 year old acting legend squared off with his grandson in this excruciating extended sitcom. A geriatric Christopher Walken waited forty years to reunite with his "Deer Hunter" costar under the worst conditions imaginable. In this war, we all lose.

60. "The Woman in the Window"(2020) Joe Wright's twisty Netflix thriller was all wrong. I once would have thought it impossible to produce a worthless movie with Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, and Julianne Moore. Turns out it's very possible. Covid was a good cover for almost two years' worth of rewrites and reshoots. It sounds like this poor "Woman" was cursed from the start.