Now there have been plenty of bad movie months throughout history, but Aug '96 was particularly putrid as you're about to learn. Danny DeVito's "Matilda" is the only winner in this sorry slate. I can give Kevin Costner's "Tin Cup" and "A Very Brady Sequel" a pass if I'm having a good day. My generosity won't be extended to any of the terrible titles listed below. Now let's go back in time to when Clinton(Bill) was fighting to remain in the White House and I didn't really mind going back to school.
"Chain Reaction"(1996)
Keanu Reeves didn't make his ten-year transition from Ted Logan to Neo as smoothly as you all think. I know, "Point Break" was an awesome apprenticeship and "Speed" seemed to seal the deal in '94. But we're lucky 'Bullet time' happened at all, in the wake of "Johnny Mnemonic" and this Andrew Davis dud. A shaggy-haired Reeves almost rejected action star status after being uncomfortably cast as a student machinist framed for murder. I never really believed that Keanu could crack the code on clean energy. He'd be lost in a laboratory, while Morgan Freeman gives an early indication that he's not opposed to a paycheck(Red is a sellout, face the facts). Davis delivers dull, formulaic chase scenes as we slowly come to the realization that "The Fugitive" was a fluke. "Chain Reaction" barely broke even, and a disenchanted Reeves subsequently passed on "Speed 2: Cruise Control"(a LITERAL chain reaction).
"Jack"(1996)
Even die-hard fans of deceased funnyman Robin Williams don't have anything nice to say about this bewildering "Big" rip-off that was shockingly directed by the same guy that gave us "The Godfather"(Frances Ford Coppola, for any laymen out there). Robin's hyperactivity had it's drawbacks, as he poured his restless energy into far too many projects unworthy of his presence("Toys", anyone?). His man-child Jack has a rare condition causing him to age four times faster than average, an odd set-up unsuitable for light-hearted laughs. That's a 26 year old Jennifer Lopez in her second major role as his improbably attractive teacher. If this film contributed to her rapid rise, that's just one more reason to hate it(Bill Cosby doesn't do any favors going forward either). "Jack" turned a tiny profit, but a castrated Coppola was done with high-profile studio films. Sadly, it was about fifteen years after most audiences were done with him.
"Escape from L.A."(1996)
Speaking of fifteen years, that's how long it took for Kurt Russell and John Carpenter to produce a sequel to their 1981 cult hit "Escape from New York". This duo greatly overestimated the public's affection for Snake Plissken, and learned the hard way that this shit needs to be done in a timely fashion(Indy and Rambo BOTH got trilogies in the '80s). The action and FX in "L.A." just didn't cut it in 1996. Heck, this wouldn't have cut it IN 1986. Kurt was cool, but he never quite reached the A-list level of Cruise, Costner, and Gibson, and 1998's "Soldier" would remove him from the equation entirely. "Escape" embarrassingly recouped only half of it's $50 million budget, sliding Carpenter further into irrelevance. The "Halloween" director seems to have a loyal fan-base, too bad they don't buy movie tickets.
"The Fan"(1996)
Tony Scott was a visual poet and an unapologetic populist that cared little about awards. Most moviegoers don't care either, and "Top Gun" and "True Romance" was enough to put this bombastic Brit in the hall of fame. However, Ridley's younger brother did strike out on occasion. This ludicrous thriller finds Robert De Niro's unhinged knife salesman/baseball fanatic developing an unhealthy fixation on his favorite slugger Wesley Snipes. Bobby D can play an obsessive psychopath in his sleep, and perhaps this was the precise point that we all got a little tired of it. "The Fan" failed to fill up the stands, but Scott's trademark polish has made it is a guilty pleasure for the late night channel surfer.
"The Island of Dr. Moreau"(1996)
Marlon Brando is often called the greatest actor of all time. Agree or disagree, the man was a genius. But sometime after "Apocalypse Now", he stopped caring about acting. Completely. This John Frankenheimer fiasco presented an aging, bloated Brando in THE most unflattering light. Val Kilmer(hot off "Heat" and "Batman Forever") may have killed his leading man aspirations in a well-documented battle of on-set egos with his legendary costar. A scheduled six week shoot stretched to six months, with bad weather, constant script rewrites and an unhappy cast/crew turning the production into an unmitigated disaster. "Dr. Moreau" is one of the worst movies I've ever seen, a conclusion I don't come to lightly.
"House Arrest"(1996)
Jamie Lee Curtis and Kevin Pollak are a divorcing couple locked in the basement by their kids until they can reach a reconciliation. Eventually, ALL the kids in the neighborhood start locking their parents in the basement(I presume the exec that dusted off this screenplay was promptly fired). It never ceases to amaze me how some movies get made. The late, great Gene Siskel loathed this alleged comedy, giving it zero stars(I miss that man). A $7 million budget shouldn't have been that hard to recover. "Arrest" couldn't even manage that. Director Harry Winer(?) was banished to television as a result. This film is totally forgotten and deservedly so, but if the CIA is in need of more enhanced interrogation methods, I have a few suggestions.
"First Kid"(1996)
Any Sinbad fans out there? Didn't think so. The clean-cut comic is a wisecracking Secret Service agent assigned to the President's temperamental preteen son. This script was probably used to wipe the ass of one of the Wayans brothers. "Kid" is lame sitcom stuff, and the public treated it accordingly. The next time you're feeling nostalgic about the '90s, remember Sinbad's name was above the title a couple times.
"The Stupids"(1996)
Tom Arnold stars as Stanley Stupid(need I say more?). This shite was shoveled into theaters by the director of "Coming to America", "Trading Places", and "National Lampoon's Animal House". John Landis looked like he was laying down a legacy with that trifecta. He then trashed it in a self-destructive seven-year stretch that included "Oscar", "Beverly Hills Cop III", and "Blues Brothers 2000". Those three films and his ill-advised alliance with Arnold arguably did more damage to his rep than the "Twilight Zone" incident. James Cameron's "True Lies" briefly had us convinced that Roseanne's ex-husband was a viable comic talent. Two years later, he would hold the dubious distinction of appearing in three of the worst comedies ever released in a calendar year("Big Bully" was atrocious, while it would be redundant to discuss "Carpool" which also crashed and burned in Aug). Now I won't take up any more of your time(or mine) discussing this fat fuck's foul filmography. That would be stupid.
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