The Rock is a Crock

   Okay, I know this won't be a popular stance. I understand that many of you(if not all) are fans of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. I mean, what's not to like, right? He's the coolest man in Hollywood, a smiling symbol of physical perfection with a winning can-do attitude. That's all great, but beneath that shiny surface, there's a problem and it's a big one and I can't believe that I'm the only one pointing it out. He's been making movies for fifteen years now, without any noticeable improvements in his acting or film choices. We typically don't allow such things to happen. Yet Dwayne continues to headline box office hits, while I shake my head in disbelief as the only man than can REALLY smell what the Rock is cooking and it truly reeks. Johnson was compared to Arnold Schwarzenegger when he first appeared in a loincloth in "The Scorpion King". Sorry, Dwayne, but Arnie made "Terminator 2". You made "The Tooth Fairy". He's threatening a sequel to "San Andreas", a bastardization of the Robin Williams hit "Jumanji", and is currently working on the "Baywatch" movie. That silly lifeguard show had it's pop culture moment in the mid-'90s thanks to Pam Anderson and her red one-piece. Does 2017 need a big screen revival? You already know the answer to that. Add it all up, and one thing becomes painfully clear- the Rock is the worst lead actor in movies.

   Alright, the SECOND worst. Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart are set to deliver the worst movie of the summer in "Central Intelligence", if the idiotic trailer is any indication(where are them lady ghostbusters?). Sure, it will make money for the same reason that all seven "Fast and the Furious" movies did- the average filmgoer wouldn't know a good movie if it fell on their fucking head. That felonious franchise is primarily responsible for Johnson's A-list entry. And all this time I thought I hated Paul Walker. How did this man even survive "Doom" and "Walking Tall"? The little-seen "Southland Tales" was "Battlefield Earth" bad. Unfortunately, the public DIDN'T "Get Smart" because we later got "Faster", "Snitch", and "Hercules". I don't recall 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper or Hulk Hogan feeling the warm embrace of Tinsel-town, and I fail to understand what Dwayne did differently. We might as well let John Cena increase his cinematic involvement because we're still consuming Johnson's crap with seemingly no end in sight. The Rock's tattoos, bald head and bulging biceps might be enough to satisfy the shallow female demographic. Men are supposed to be smarter than this. Ask yourself why the Rock still has you in a headlock. Film is an art form and the guy is an affront, and you're either part of the solution or part of the problem. If you're funding Dwayne's debacles, you're in the latter category.


   Don't get me wrong, I like the Rock. His insane charisma and athleticism lit up sold-out arenas all over the country in the late '90s and early '00s. Too bad it never translated anywhere else. There's no reason to believe that he'll ever make a good movie. I don't think he knows what that is. The pride and enthusiasm he shows for every one of his piece-of-shit projects inspires zero confidence. The workaholic wrestling god never pauses long enough to consider how much his shit sucks, because then maybe WE will. He relentlessly battered us into submission with a succession of sorry titles, only stopping to get in a workout in between. This is your wake up call. It's YOUR money and YOUR brain cells at stake whenever this hulking hack steps foot on a film set. I have plenty of both. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch him battle Triple H and 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin on the WWE Network.





*Updated Dec 2017
In fairness, "Jumanji" was a harmless diversion that seemed to please the packed house I saw it with. There's just no quit in this man. Dwayne has been talking about running for President lately. I can't say I hate the idea.