60 Movies That Suck Dick

   There are tens of thousands of movies in existence. It's literally impossible to see them all even if it's your job, but I pride myself on my willingness to give any movie a chance because you never know when you'll be pleasantly surprised. But there is a flipside to that coin. There have been many instances over the years where I didn't get a return on my time investment. The exact opposite took place. This blog is my revenge on a random selection of such titles. Some are these films are famously bad. Some are long-forgotten misfires. None are getting off the hook. The late, great Roger Ebert once wrote a book called 'Your Movie Sucks'. I'm continuing his work. Here are 60 movies that suck dick in the order they were released.

1. "Cruising"(1980)
It's so fitting that we start with Al Pacino's controversial exploration of the gay leather bar scene in early '80s NYC. Formerly acclaimed director William Friedkin("The Exorcist") was unapologetic in the aftermath of a disastrous production marred by ancient stereotypes and an inconclusive murder mystery.

2. "Real Men"(1987)
James Belushi and John Ritter are secret agents trying to save the world from aliens and evil Russians. It's dumber than it sounds.

3. "Mac and Me"(1988)
I know "E.T" was the biggest movie of all time and imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but this is ridiculous. Mac(Mysterious Alien Creature) is our wrinkled puppet protagonist and he enjoys Skittles, Coca-Cola and McDonald's. Spielberg could have sued if this calamitous carbon copy had actually made money.

4. "Who's Harry Crumb?"(1989)
Late funnyman John Candy left behind some beloved comedic characters(Del Griffith, Barf, Uncle Buck). The bungling private eye pictured above is NOT one of them.

5. "Loose Cannons"(1990)
Worst buddy cop movie of all time? Worst Gene Hackman movie ever?? Approval ratings of 0% on RT are sure hard to come by. When Dan Aykroyd expresses remorse, that's REALLY saying something.



"It's over, Richard!"

6. "Another You"(1991)
Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder were once a reliable comedy duo. You wouldn't know it from watching their infamous fourth collaboration, a manic mess with an unskilled director(Maurice Phillips) that brought both of their film careers to an unceremonious end. A depleted Pryor was struggling with MS. Somehow, Wilder, straining desperately for laughs, comes off even worse.

7. "Suburban Commando"(1991)
Heavyweight wrestling champ Hulk Hogan was a laughable lightweight in all of his acting excursions, while Christopher Lloyd is stuck uncomfortably in between Doc Brown and Uncle Fester.

8. "Delirious"(1991)
John Candy must have been dreaming of a day when he wouldn't be expected to carry so much half-baked nonsense. Unfortunately, the gregarious Canadian worked too much, and cared about his health too little. .

9. "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot"(1992)
Universally derided as Sylvester Stallone's worst movie, even the action icon himself admitted to feeling nauseous every time he thinks about his 'comical' pairing with Estelle Getty.

10. "Mo' Money"(1992)
Damon and Marlon Wayans launch their first assault on unsuspecting viewers, armed with a script that Eddie Murphy wiped his ass with in 1990.

11. "Man Trouble"(1992)
Jack Nicholson put the moves on Ellen Barkin in this limp romantic comedy that may go down as the legendary three-time Academy Award winner's most regrettable assignment.

12. "Cool World"(1992)
Brad Pitt is extremely grateful that nobody recalls this rancid "Roger Rabbit" rip-off that only exists in the dark recesses of my mind since it was slaughtered at the '92 summer box office.

13. "Cop and a Half"(1993)
Burt Reynolds could barely hide his disdain for this intolerable buddy cop comedy that saw the former box office champ reduced to awkward exchanges with a charmless eight year old.

14. "3 Ninjas Kick Back"(1994)
The low-budgeted 1992 original was a surprise hit despite it's blatant borrowing of elements from "The Karate Kid", "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", and "Home Alone". This dire sequel kicked off one of the most unwarranted franchises in cinema history.

15. "Color Of Night"(1994)
The '90s erotic thriller was a rather unfortunate sub-genre spawned by the surprising success of "Basic Instinct". It gave Bruce Willis an excuse to do some full frontal and roll around with an alluring nymph(Jane March) in this trashy travesty.

16. "Mixed Nuts"(1994)
Steve Martin's demise as a major comedic force can be directly traced back to this drab and lifeless holiday effort from director Nora Ephron, about the hapless staff of a suicide prevention hotline.

17. "Jade"(1995)
Red-haired TV cop David Caruso is a cautionary tale for overly ambitious small screen stars. His appeal just didn't translate to the silver screen, to put it gently. In his defense though, this cheap, sleazy William Friedkin-Joe Eszterhas endeavor couldn't have been sold to the masses with ANY leading man.

Are those Tommy Lee bruises on her arm?

18. "Barb Wire"(1996)
"Baywatch" babe Pam Anderson and her breast implants star in this comic book dreck that proves the genre was still something of a work in progress during the Clinton administration.

19. "Soldier"(1998)
Kurt Russell never fully recovered from this  generic and joyless exercise as a stoic intergalactic warrior doing expensive things we've seen in a hundred other movies.

20. "End of Days"(1999)
'End Of Arnold' would have been a better title. Schwarzenegger failed to stop the bleeding as his once-mighty career continued to plummet in this pre-millennial piece of crap.

21. "Get Carter"(2000)
Sylvester Stallone goes back to the well and drags his tired tough-guy act into the 2000s in this totally pointless remake of the 1971 Michael Caine crime flick. At least Mickey Rourke got to pay some bills, though.

22. "The Time Machine"(2002)
Adam Pearce wishes he could travel back in time and decline the lead role in this demoralizing adaptation of the classic H.G. Wells novel.

23. "Crossroads"(2002)
Pop princess Britney Spears couldn't even draw her indiscriminate teenybopper fans to this inharmonious coming-of-age tale that's only slightly less embarrassing than Mariah Carey's "Glitter".

24. "Master of Disguise"(2002)
SNL standout Dana Carvey fell off the face of the earth after unleashing a dozen or so obnoxious impressions that failed to amuse even the smallest of children in this excruciating flop.

25. "Just Married"(2003)
 Ashton Kutcher and Britney Murphy go on a horrid honeymoon that left un-amused audiences seeking a quick annulment.

26. "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen"(2003)
A disillusioned Sean Connery decided to call it a career before this doomed wannabe 'blockbuster' was even shoveled into theaters to get pummeled by "Pirates of the Caribbean" and "Finding Nemo".

27. "Bad Boys II"(2003)
Michael Bay reunites Will Smith and Martin Lawrence for another noisy, derivative, soulless shoot 'em' up that conned far too many viewers out of their hard-earned bucks.

28. "Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd"(2003)
New Line Cinema impatiently turned to two young lookalikes for this pitiful high school-set prequel after Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels were initially reluctant to follow-up their 1994 lowbrow comedy classic. Unfortunately, the original dimwitted duo didn't fare much better in 2014.

29. "Cold Creek Manor"(2003)
Dennis Quaid and Sharon Stone are a frightened couple in this dull, incompetent thriller that will put you to sleep long before they dispose of a villainous Stephen Dorff.

30. "Gothika"(2003)
Halle Berry experiences the Oscar curse and dispels the notion that she's a quality actress in this shoddy ghost story that also postponed Robert Downey Jr.'s comeback for a few years.

31. "Taxi"(2004)
I'm glad the late night talk show thing worked out for Jimmy Fallon. Otherwise, he was surely headed for the pop culture abyss after this profoundly unfunny partnership with Queen Latifah.

32. "The Girl Next Door"(2004)
Elisha Cuthbert is smokin' hot. Too bad every situation her and Emile Hirsch find themselves in is stupid and unrealistic in this flat, poorly-written knock-off of "Risky Business".

33. "Walking Tall"(2004)
Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson wasn't exactly walking tall, in this early attempt at big screen stardom that could barely meet the lowest requirements of a stale, overworked genre. I'd rather get hit by his 2x4.

34. "The Stepford Wives"(2004)
Nicole Kidman has somehow remained a highly respected actress despite a resume that contains an alarming amount of clunkers. I present this ill-conceived, listless remake on a double bill with "Bewitched" in my argument that the Aussie beauty is significantly overrated.

35. "The Village"(2004)
Joaquin Phoenix, William Hurt, Sigourney Weaver, Adrien Brody, Bryce Dallas Howard- all quality actors led astray by the runaway ego and shaggy dog storytelling of previously lauded director M. Night Shyamalan.

36. "Doom"(2005)
The Rock stumbles again in this garbage video game adaptation that provided more painful proof that Hollywood suits learned nothing from "Super Mario Bros".

37. "Hide and Seek"(2005)
Moviegoers can't hide from Robert De Niro. The only thing scary about his parental stint with child star prodigy Dakota Fanning was his increasing inability to actually turn down projects that are so obviously beneath him.

38. "Fun with Dick and Jane"(2005)
The sad truth is that Jim Carrey hasn't been funny in over a decade. His union with Tea Leoni was as desperate and creatively bankrupt as their cash-strapped characters.

"I was the biggest movie star in the world, ya know".

39. "Rumor Has It..."(2005)
Rob Reiner's mission to make us forget that he once made good movies was extended in this weak rom-com and it's zero chemistry match-up of Jennifer Aniston and Kevin Costner.

40. "Firewall"(2006)
An aging Harrison Ford tries to save his family for the umpteenth time and relive his long-gone glory days in this woefully worn-out thriller.

"I've never seen Annie Hall. Is it a romantic comedy?"

41. "Because I Said So"(2007)
Diane Keaton permanently parted ways with the A-list as Mandy Moore's meddlesome mother in this dreadful dud that's a world apart from her career-making collaborations with Woody Allen.

42. "Wild Hogs"(2007)
John Travolta, Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence and William H. Macy are born to be mild in this depressingly lame offering from Disney, complete with silly slapstick and a '70s rock soundtrack.

43. "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry"(2007)
Adam Sandler and his portly apprentice Kevin James find 'hilarity' in homophobia. Ya know, the kind of material that would have barely passed as comedy on a sitcom from twenty years earlier.

44. "The Heartbreak Kid"(2007)
Ben Stiller and the Farrelly brothers shit all over Charles Grodin's 1972 comic gem with this awful remake that retroactively left "Mary" looking like a giant fluke.

45. "What Happens in Vegas"(2008)
Who the hell is paying Ashton Kutcher to appear in movies?! Cameron Diaz's salary is the only thing she could possibly be smiling about.

46. "Jumper"(2008)
Sam 'The $ellout' Jackson just couldn't resist chasing his "Star Wars" co-star Hayden Christensen through time in this thoroughly disposable sci-fi outing.

47. "Bangkok Dangerous"(2008)
The downfall of Nick Cage as a viable leading man was accelerated by this bottom-of-the-barrel actioner about a humorless hit-man in Thailand.

"Did you read the script? Me neither".

48. "Righteous Kill"(2008)
The sight of De Niro and Pacino(both officially senior citizens) sleepwalking through this pathetic police procedural was a heartbreaker to fans that remembered the energy and electricity the dynamic duo once regularly brought to the screen in a previous cinematic age.

49. "The Box"(2009)
"Donnie Darko" director Richard Kelly was never more than a poor man's David Lynch and Cameron Diaz really needs to have a word with her agent.

50. "Cop Out"(2010)
Kevin Smith might be a hack(sorry, "Clerks" fans) as evidenced by the visible disinterest of Bruce Willis and the torturous mugging of Tracy Morgan.

51. "The Bounty Hunter"(2010)
Jen Aniston is no movie star. Neither is Gerald Butler, for that matter.

52. "The Back-up Plan"(2010)
Absence didn't make the heart grow fonder in regards to Jennifer Lopez's self-imposed exile from the multiplex. The public responded to this cringe-inducing 'comeback' vehicle with a collective groan as J'Lo slid right back into "Gigli" territory.

53. "Jonah Hex"(2010)
Josh Brolin came close to completely sabotaging his own A-list aspirations. This horrendous comic book cowboy was like taking ten steps back.

54. "Season of the Witch"(2011)
The artist formerly known as Nicolas Cage continued his hellish descent into career-killing 'paycheck' roles in this January bomb that even sent his most loyal supporters into retreat.

55. "A Thousand Words"(2012)
There are really no words damning enough to describe the 21st century version of Eddie Murphy. Saying that all his non-animated films are bad is like saying the sky is blue.

"Trust me, son. This is YOUR Independence Day".

56. "After Earth"(2013)
M. Night Shyamalan's direction is the least offensive element of this appallingly nepotistic sci-fi debacle that saw Will Smith fail to pass the torch to his irritating, talentless offspring Jaden.

57. "Ride Along"(2014)
You can hop on the Kevin Hart bandwagon if you want. I refuse to play along or ride along or fund any of this annoying motor-mouth's dopey, clichéd-ridden star vehicles.

58. "Blended"(2014)
Drew Barrymore may have softened up Sandler in the past, but this typically terrible Happy Madison production only continued the downward trajectory of the fading comedy superstar.

59. "A Million Ways to Die in the West"(2014)
"Family Guy" creator Seth McFarlane's crude Western spoof is a lot closer to "Lightning Jack" than "Blazing Saddles". His fans should appreciate that reference.

60. "Tammy"(2014)
This witless road trip seems to have been slapped together haphazardly in a matter of days with the sole purpose of cashing in on the momentary popularity of Melissa McCarthy.