Johnny Depp is Gay

     Relax, ladies, I DON'T mean that Johnny Depp is literally homosexual, but for a supposedly straight guy, he sure loves to wear make-up. He's still one of the biggest names in the business, yet the career of this heavyweight heartthrob has been bordering on self-parody for years now, and with the release of his sure-to-be summer flop "The Lone Ranger"(31% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes) he's not only crossed that line, he seems to have taken up permanent residence there. I was hoping I wouldn't have to write this blog, but it looks like my initial fears after seeing the first trailer have been confirmed. Will Smith has to be breathing a sigh of relief at the news that "After Earth" might not be the most maligned movie of 2013, after all. With "Pirates of the Caribbean" director Gore Verbinski at the helm, this was an all-too-obvious attempt to replicate the magic that happened ten summers ago when we first met Captain Jack Sparrow. Before that career-altering box office bonanza, Depp went out of his way to avoid big-budget, overly commercial dreck. Now he's the 21st century poster boy for it. The pictures below tell the story better than I ever could.

   I don't hate Depp. He made some good movies(most were pre-"Pirates"), but if I didn't know better, I'd think he was deliberately trying to make us forget about "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" and "Donnie Brasco". This is a guy that could have his pick of quality scripts/projects. Instead he damages his reputation and removes himself from consideration for award-worthy films with every one of these lazy cash grabs. Depp has actually stated that he finds realistic characters and situations boring. That's funny because I find the cartoonish film worlds he continually inhabits boring and it seems like the public finally agrees that he's made too many trips to the well. If Depp has little or no interest in bringing a dose of reality to the multiplex(he mailed in his performance opposite Angelina Jolie in "The Tourist") and insists on appearing in fantasy tripe, then he's left me no choice.

    The disappointing box office totals for 2012's "Dark Shadows" was the first indication that audiences were tiring of Depp's shtick. We used to find it humorous when he shunned his heartthrob status by painting his face for some ridiculous role. This is when the laughs were officially replaced by a collective groan. At the time it was easy to point to the gargantuan success of Marvel's "The Avengers" as the reason for the film getting overlooked, but savvy observers knew that was only part of it. Despite a pop culture climate that has never been more inviting to vampires, moviegoers recognize a plate of stale leftovers when they see one.

    Which brings us to the root of the problem. Depp's big screen life partner Tim Burton. The oddball duo have made eight films together to date, starting with 1990's "Edward Scissorhands", and it's easy to see why they kept going back to each other. Burton essentially gave Johnny a movie career and allowed him to indulge in all his secret eccentricities back when he was just a TV hunk who was approximately one or two years away from total obscurity. When an actor and director are completely in sync, the results are often wonderful and the offbeat pair went on a major roll that lasted two decades. 1994's "Ed Wood" earned them both rave reviews. 2010's "Alice and Wonderland" didn't, but it was a huge moneymaker. I'm not here to denounce the Burton-Depp alliance, but even De Niro and Scorsese realized that all good things must come to an end. It's time for these two to get a divorce.
                           

                                                   
   Burton may have gotten this party started, but he can't be blamed entirely for the Depp dilemma. He had nothing to do with "The Lone Ranger" and if(or I should say WHEN) a fifth "Pirates of the Caribbean" film arrives in theaters in a few years, it's in no way his fault. The third film in that bloated franchise was difficult enough to sit through. Johnny's accountants decided that we needed to see Captain Jack two more times, though. It's pure greed. Plain and simple. Johnny is under the false impression that it's all harmless fun and that we're still being entertained. Unless you're six years old, the novelty wore off a long time ago. I'm fairly certain I'll be done with Depp by the time he puts on the eyeliner again and sets sail for another adventure that nobody asked for. There remains a shortage of bankable leading men with a proven track record, so I guess we have to put up with Depp's one-note nonsense every May, June or July for the forseeable future.

      It was quirky and cool at one time, Johnny but you're not 27 anymore. You're not even 40. Even though you hide your face behind that long greasy hair, stubble and stupid hat whenever you step out in public, you're not fooling anyone anymore. You don't want to become the film equivalent of the rock band KISS. I heard you play the guitar so maybe that explains it, but unless you start playing some different tunes, unless you start acting your age(50) onscreen, and unless you decide to make a movie that isn't an unnecessary remake, and isn't based on a theme park or a long-forgotten show that NOBODY gives a fuck about, consider this a cease-and-desist letter.



*Updated Nov 2020- I'd like to publicly offer my support of JD in my hope that his career will continue, in light of damaging press pertaining to his personal life. This old article was merely poking fun at some of his film choices, and now he needs his fans more than ever. Don't think I'm not one of them. If and when he gets that lifeline from Tim Burton or another great director, I'll be cheering with all the Deppheads.