Martin's Movie Review: The 69 worst movies I have ever seen

You hear it all the time- "That was the worst movie I've ever seen". Often it's a gross exaggeration, a knee-jerk reaction to a particularly unpleasant movie-going experience. I hardly ever go that far. I can find something positive to say about almost anything. It's very rare for a film to have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. But then there are the movies on this list. These movies aren't simply 'bad'. I could name a hundred 'bad' movies. This is the worst of the worst. Some of these movies make me nauseous. If I had the power, I would burn every copy of them in a giant bonfire. Get out your pitchforks. They're in alphabetical order.

1. "The Adventures of Pluto Nash"(2002)

Watching nearly every live-action Eddie Murphy movie from the early 21st Century is like watching a former champion get knocked out in the first round.

2. "All About Steve"(2009)

Sandra Bullock embarrassed herself in this dreadful comedy that should cancel out her Oscar win from the same year.

3. "The Avengers"(1998)
No, not the Marvel box office behemoth. It's the abysmal film version of the British '60s TV show starring Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, and Sean Connery.

4. "Battlefield Earth"(2000)

Need proof that Scientology is a cult? John Travolta used all his clout to bring this sci-fi disaster to the screen, which is based on the writings of L. Ron Hubbard.

5. "Bio-Dome"(1996)

Pauly Shore's popularity, however brief, is definitely a blemish on '90s pop culture.

6. "Cabin Boy"(1994)

Don't remember cult comic Chris Elliot's first AND last starring role? I wish I could forget it.

Helen Mirren has skeletons.

7. "Caligula"(1980)
Any movie that repeatedly shows me dozens of naked men needs to be roundly condemned. This pornographic depiction of Roman Emperor Caligula(Malcolm McDowell) wouldn't even get made today.

8. "Candy"(1968)
This psychedelic nonsense is an offensively outdated relic that needs to stay buried in the bygone era that it belongs to. Possibly the worst film of the late 1960s.

"Neither one of us should be smiling right now".

9. "Clifford"(1994)
Martin Short's stock plummeted and Charles Grodin called it quits altogether, following the release of this comedic catastrophe.

10. "Cool As Ice"(1991)
Vanilla Ice's ridiculous getup and the tagline on this poster says it all.

11. "Death Sentence"(2007)

I wanted revenge on Kevin Bacon after sitting through this terrible "Death Wish" rip-off.

12. "Deck the Halls"(2006)

Mathew Broderick and Danny DeVito are feuding neighbors, competing to see who can torture an audience more in this deadly comedy.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're not a movie star either" .

13. "Derailed"(2005)
Clive Owen and Jennifer Aniston are badly miscast in a sloppy thriller that keeps piling on the absurdities.

14. "Dirty Love"(2005)
Whoever told Jenny McCarthy that she was talented and funny should be charged with aiding and abetting.

15. "Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo"(2005)

Saying that Rob Schneider sank to new lows in this "Deuce" sequel is about as dire a warning as you can possibly get.

16. "Disaster Movie"(2008)
At least the title is apt.

17. "Double Team"(1997)

Jean Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman were a match made in hell in this wildly inept buddy film.

18. "88 Minutes"(2008)
Oh, Al, you broke MY heart.

One Star for the Dumbest Comedy Ever.

19. "8 Heads in a Duffel Bag"(1997)
Joe Pesci's 1997 keeps me up at night. More on that in a minute.

20. "Envy"(2004)
Ben Stiller and Jack Black fight over a product that vaporizes dog shit. Where's the product that can vaporize this movie?

21. "Ernest Scared Stupid"(1991)
Jim Varney's intolerable ignoramus fights a hairy troll on Halloween.

22. "Equilibrium"(2002)
A pre-Batman Christian Bale's career looked quite unpromising when he starred in this ill-advised "Matrix" wannabe.

23. "Exit to Eden"(1994)

Rosie O'Donnell dressed like a dominatrix. Enough said.

"The Fanatic"(2019)
I like John Travolta. I wish I could clean up his filmography. This Fred Durst-directed dumpster fire about a misfit stalker was another epically bad career move.

24. "Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare"(1991)
Imagine my dismay upon learning that Freddy wasn't really dead nor was this the final "Nightmare".

25. "Freddy Got Fingered"(2001)

Fuck you too, Tom Green.

26. "From Justin to Kelly"(2003)

This god-awful attempt to cash in on the "American Idol" craze was nominated for nine Razzies and earned $18.47 at the box office.

27. "Glitter"(2001)

Mariah Carey suffered a nervous breakdown shortly before the release of her insufferable screen debut. Coincidence?

Where's Mel Gibson when you need him?

28. "Gone Fishin'"(1997)
Joe Pesci's retirement is starting to make more sense. What in the hell were he and Danny Glover thinking?! This is the diabolical legacy of "Dumb and Dumber".

29. "The Happening"(2008)

M. Night Shyamalan went from genius to joke in less than 10 years.

30. "Hot to Trot"(1988)
This talking horseshit eroded my faith in humanity. Bobcat Goldthwait may be the most unappealing presence in the 100-year history of film.

31. House of 1000 Corpses"(2003)
Don't let Rob Zombie enter YOUR house. He's not a filmmaker.

"House Party 3"(1994) Hip-hop has-beens Kid 'n' Play wore out their welcome in this horrible threequel.

32. "I Know Who Killed Me"(2007)

Lindsay Lohan put the final nail in her career coffin in this appalling thriller.

33. "Inspector Gadget"(1999)
NO, NO, Gadget. The '80s cartoon show was never as clunky as Mathew Broderick's 80-minute misfire.

34. "The Island of Dr. Moreau"(1996)
This calamity captures screen legend Marlon Brando at his bloated, careless, eccentric, paycheck-collecting worst.

35. "Jack and Jill"(2011)
Adam Sandler should have just filmed himself holding both middle fingers in front of the camera for an hour and a half. It would have been the same thing.

36. "Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday"(1993)
Hell can't be as hellish as this ninth visit from supernatural psycho Jason Vorhees.

37. "Jason X"(2002)

I think it's supposed to be called "Jason Ten" but this monstrosity doesn't deserve to have it's name said correctly.

38. "Jingle All the Way"(1996)

Arnold Schwarzenegger's excruciating Christmas comedy.

39. "The Love Guru"(2008)

Mike Myers was the only one laughing at the endless string of recycled, juvenile gags involving sex, bodily functions, and genitalia in the movie that forced the public to re-evaluate his status as a great comedian.

*Updated- Sept 2018

40. "Leonard Part 6"(1987)
Bill Cosby's crimes aren't limited to all those rape victims he silenced for so long. This vile spy parody should have seen his sick ass in a courtroom a lot sooner.

41. "Little Man"(2006)
The continued 'success' of the Wayans brothers is a modern showbiz mystery.

The worst mob movie imaginable

42. "Mother's Day"(1980)
This exploitative horror trash was an early contender for worst film of the 1980s.

43. "Movie 43"(2013)
Kate Winslet, Hugh Jackman, Dennis Quaid, Naomi Watts, Emma Stone, Chris Pratt, Anna Faris, Halle Berry, Jason Sudekis, Richard Gere, Uma Thurman, Chloe Grace Moretz, Elizabeth Banks, Kristen Bell, Justin Long, Gerald Butler, Johnny Knoxville, Terrence Howard, Josh Duhamel, Greg Kinnear, Liev Schreiber, Kieran Culkin, Kate Bosworth, Seann William Scott, Seth McFarlane, and last but not least Peter Farrelly. I'm calling them ALL out for their involvement in this unholy and evil sketch comedy.

44. "Mr. Nanny"(1993)
Hulk Hogan limped back to the wrestling ring after this painfully unfunny kiddie crap.

45. "Norbit"(2007)

Just when you thought Eddie Murphy couldn't possibly trash his legacy any further, he's back with more latex and ancient fat jokes.

"Don't worry, kid. You'll be in "The Lord of the Rings".

46. "North"(1994)

This notorious flop was the beginning of the end for director Rob Reiner, and inspired one of Roger Ebert's most legendarily scathing reviews.

47. "Nothing But Trouble"(1991)

Dan Aykroyd, Chevy Chase and John Candy were all on top of the world in the '80s.
Then this alleged 'comedy' knocked them off their perch.

48. "Old Dogs"(2009)
Robin Williams and John Travolta squandered more of their goodwill in this horrific family flick.

"You know why I said yes to this piece of shit, right?"

49. "Perfect Stranger"(2007)

Halle Berry is a reporter investigating a murder involving Bruce Willis' laughable CEO in this ludicrous thriller.

50. "The Pest"(1997)
"John Leguizamo is like a Latin Jim Carrey".- said NO ONE EVER.

51. "Police Academy: Mission to Moscow"(1994)
God, what a piece of fucking shit franchise this was.

52. "Problem Child 2"(1991)

Like anyone wanted to spend another 90 minutes with John Ritter's ugly, obnoxious brat.

Roger Ebert agrees with me.

53. "The Raid: Redemption"(2011)
A generic title, worthless musical score, non-existent character development and dreary video game violence all led to one unavoidable conclusion- a lot of fan-boy "critics" were fooled by this cult actioner.

54. "The Return of Swamp Thing"(1989)
I've drained the cinematic swamp and discovered the degenerate sequel to Wes Craven's 1982 creation, that insured Heather Locklear was to remain a small screen siren.

55. "Serial Mom"(1994)
A weathered Kathleen Turner(aging quite badly) killed her career in John Waters' brutal black comedy about a murderous suburban housewife. Maybe nineteen-ninety-four is an overrated movie year.

56. "Showgirls"(1995)

Elizabeth Berkley's acting is atrocious in Paul Verhoeven's sleazy tale of a Las Vegas stripper.

57. "Snakes on a Plane"(2006)

Samuel L. Jackson claims the intention was always to make a cheesy 'bad' movie. Congratulations, Sam.

58. "Southland Tales"(2007)

Director Richard Kelly's 'epic' sat on the shelf for two years after disastrous test screenings, and is such an overlong, incoherent mess, it must be seen to be believed.

59. "Spice World"(1997)

Not even the biggest Spice Girls fan(if there is such a thing) will get any enjoyment out of this abomination.

60. "The Stupids"(1996)
Tom Arnold stars as Stanley Stupid(need I say more?).

61. "Surviving Christmas"(2004)

If you think "Gigli" is Ben Affleck's biggest sin, then you clearly didn't spend the holidays with him the year George W. Bush was reelected.

62. "Swept Away"(2002)

I think the love went out of the relationship between Madonna and Guy Ritchie sometime during the making of this absolute travesty.

63. "Tank Girl"(1995)

This utterly unwatchable adaptation of the English comic book was a career killer for Lori Petty.

64. "That's My Boy"(2012)
How anyone can call themselves a fan of Adam Sandler after this second straight all-out assault on viewers' brain cells is beyond me.