I enjoy writing about two-star movies more than I enjoy watching them. I believe in turning negatives into positives. Just to clarify, "Gone with the Wind", "12 Angry Men" and "The Godfather I and II" are four-star movies. "Ghostbusters", "The Karate Kid" and "Iron Man"(the first ones) are all a solid three. There's a LOT of titles out there sitting between them and "Freddy Got Fingered"(one-star). Here's my fifth list of fifty two-star movies in the order they were released.
1.
"The Great Race"(1965)
Although a box office hit in it's day, Blake Edwards' screwball comedy hasn't aged well. At all. I hope Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis and Natalie Wood were paid well, because this one wouldn't get mentioned in any of their obituaries.
2.
"The Night of the Following Day"(1968)
This Marlon Brando kidnapping drama typifies his '60s slump, despite an inexplicable 100% on RT. As one of the few people that's sat through it in the 21st Century, I can tell you with absolute certainty that this dusty relic(and it's awful title) doesn't belong in his boxed set.
3.
"The Fortune"(1975)
Jack Nicholson and Warren Beatty were both badly miscast in this Mike Nichols misstep about bumbling 1920s con men out to bilk a wealthy heiress(Stockard Channing in her screen breakthrough). Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau must have been busy.
4.
"Family Plot"(1976)
Alfred Hitchcock's legendary career ended not with a bang, but with a whimper in this lightweight caper. The over-plotted "Plot" found the fabled filmmaker stuck in the '50s, in terms of his storytelling approach. With all due respect to the durability of Bruce Dern, this is another reason not to trust Rotten Tomatoes(96%).
5.
"Bobby Deerfield"(1977)
Al Pacino came back down to Earth as an American racecar driver in Europe in Sydney Pollack's lifeless and lethargic melodrama. It should be noted that "Star Wars" came out just a few months earlier, making "Deerfield" seem duller than it may have been otherwise.
6.
"Heaven's Gate"(1980)
The era of directorial excess officially ended the moment Michael Cimino("The Deer Hunter") delivered his bloated, butt-numbing reenactment of(the largely-fictitious) 'Johnson County War'. A villainous Chris Walken and a respectable shoot-out couldn't redeem a three hour and thirty-nine minute endurance test/ego trip that took every ounce of my patience to complete.
7.
"Back Roads"(1981)
Sally Field's pleasing presence couldn't save Martin Ritt's aimless comedy about a plucky prostitute paired up with a tough-guy drifter(Tommy Lee Jones) in rural Texas. "Roads" is only notable because of the tumultuous relationship that reportedly developed between Field and TLJ- they had to reconcile before they could share the same film set again for 2012's "Lincoln".
8.
"Grease 2"(1982)
Do I lose credibility if I admit that I've seen Michelle Pfeiffer sing 'Cool Rider' more times than I've seen Olivia Newton-John do anything? The most-maligned sequel that you secretly like, got mauled by "E.T.", but Michelle P insured an unavoidable afternoon afterlife on cable in the fifteen years that followed.
9.
"Halloween III: Season of the Witch"(1982)
The best "Halloween" sequel still sucks, which should tell you something about the state of the franchise as a whole. Michael Myers has been replaced by an insane toymaker and his scary Halloween masks. Boo.
10.
"Lone Wolf McQuade"(1983)
Chuck Norris does all sorts of manly things in the longest episode of "Walker: Texas Ranger" ever filmed. The bearded six-time karate champ was a big screen chump, by my count.
11.
"Brainstorm"(1983)
A 43 year old Natalie Wood died tragically three quarters of the way through production on this ill-fated sci-fi shite. That's the only reason it's lingered in my brain. This makes TWO doomed projects that Christopher Walken weathered during Reagan's first term.
12.
"Teen Wolf"(1985)
Is this the greatest two star movie ever made? The tone of this article isn't ALL negative, thanks to an apex Michael J. Fox, his suit of fur and the best/worst basketball ever put on film.
13.
"9 and a 1/2 Weeks"(1986)
Another relative winner. Adrian Lyne's salacious "drama" was one of many titles to find it's salvation on VHS, capturing an untarnished Mickey Rourke in full heartthrob mode and establishing Kim Basinger as an '80s bombshell.
14.
"Rent-a-Cop"(1987)
Burt Reynolds took one step closer to oblivion as a grumpy cop protecting Liza Minnelli's 40 year old hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold in this groan-inducing action comedy. I almost feel bad about picking on a movie that made less than $300,000 in the States. Few major movie stars fell harder than old Burt did during the 1980s.
15.
"Red Heat"(1988)
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jim Belushi joust for director Walter Hill in this by-the-numbers buddy cop flick that merely followed a formula(established in Hill's own "48 Hrs.") that audiences were becoming achingly accustomed to. One good gag("a $20 East German watch") and Moscow's Red Square("RH" is the first Hollywood movie allowed to film in Russia) are the only things worth committing to memory.
16.
"The Good Mother"(1988)
Diane Keaton has called this long-forgotten drama one of her worst films, presumably for it's disturbingly cavalier attitude toward the subject of a child being exposed to adult sexuality. That just doesn't fly anymore. This is why you don't hear that much about Leonard Nimoy's career as a director.
17.
"The Punisher"(1989)
This dirty Dolph Lundgren actioner may have little to do with the Marvel comic(no skull logo), and was quite an inauspicious start for the superhero outfit that currently owns the movie biz. However, subsequent "Punisher" movies, released in 2004 and 2008, were even worse, despite substantially higher budgets. I'd call that vindication.
18.
"Oscar"(1991)
Not as embarrassing as "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot". That's the nicest thing you'll hear about this John Landis lark, in which Sylvester Stallone failed to flex his comedic muscle as a 1930s gangster. Noteworthy only for providing Marisa Tomei with one of her first significant roles and Kirk Douglas with one of his last.
19.
"Final Analysis"(1992)
Kim Basinger's femme fatale lures Richard Gere's psychiatrist into bed and then into a murder plot in this soft-core crap that can only be watched in a sleepy stupor on HBO at 2 a.m. It won't hold up to any sober analysis.
20.
"Another Stakeout"(1993)
Richard Dreyfuss, Emilio Estevez and director John Badham waited six years to make a "Stakeout" sequel that nobody was asking for. They brought Rosie O'Donnell along, just to make sure that the masses saw "Jurassic Park" for the fourth time instead.
21.
"Dead Man"(1995)
Jim Jarmusch is undeserving of his arthouse hero status. Anyone that ever witnessed a black-and-white Johnny Depp stumbling through the most pointless Western ever created would surely agree.
22.
"The Juror"(1996)
Demi Moore, the jury finds you guilty of being the most overhyped and overexposed actress of the 1990s. "Ghost" was a long time ago, and we sentence you to irrelevance before Y2K rolls around, a role in the "Charlie's Angels" sequel and a ten-year stint in the tabloids with that social-climber Ashton Kutcher.
23.
"Permanent Midnight"(1998)
Ben Stiller's total lack of dramatic acting chops makes this tiny indie addiction drama a big waste of time for anyone with enough morbid curiosity to watch it(me). Cool title, though.
24.
"Meet Joe Black"(1998)
A prime Brad Pitt couldn't even draw his devoted female fans to this ponderous three-hour snooze-fest. The two-time 'Sexiest Man Alive' plays Death- how appropriate considering that this film nearly killed his career. "Black" was one of the biggest busts of the late '90s. Fortunately, Pitt's next assignment was Project Mayhem. Director Martin Brest's next project was "Gigli". He hasn't been seen since.
 |
| The Blair Witch cost a lot less, and made a lot more. |
25.
"The Haunting"(1999)
Jan de Bont's yawn-inducing remake had no chance of scaring it's way into the hearts of horror buffs in the summer of "The Sixth Sense" and "The Blair Witch Project"(the original). A big opening weekend was followed by a 60% drop in the second, as potential viewers learned that Lili Taylor wasn't meant to be a topliner, Owen Wilson wasn't meant to do anything 'serious', and that they saw enough CGI in "Star Wars: Episode I- The Phantom Menace".
26.
"Arlington Road"(1999)
Jeff Bridges is a college professor that suspects his strange new neighbor(Tim Robbins) may be a terrorist- an intriguing premise undone by a dull execution and a third act without a trace of sanity or logic.
27.
"Someone Like You"(2001)
A 32 year old Ashley Judd still looked every inch the gorgeous ingenue in this pre-9/11 piece of fluff that now serves as a sad reminder of what might have been. Long before she was a 'Nasty Woman', the brunette beauty was locked in a love triangle with Hugh Jackman and Greg Kinnear(easy choice). The trailer-friendly scene pictured above ALMOST pushed me toward a half-hearted endorsement.
28.
"Heartbreakers"(2001)
Btw, Jennifer Love Hewitt's lovely shape made me want to like this con artist comedy much more than I did. She can have my money, but not my critical thinking skills. I've stopped my channel-surfing more than once to see Sigourney Weaver wallop an ailing Gene Hackman. I'm only human.
29.
"Birthday Girl"(2002)
Nicole Kidman's Russian mail-order bride joins a long list of losers that the beautiful Oscar winner never seems to get penalized for(she was 2002's Best Actress for "The Hours"). More on that later.
30.
"Game 6"(2005)
Michael Keaton languished in indie hell for much of his post-Batman/pre-Birdman days. This amateurish effort from director Michael Hoffman finds his moody playwright skipping opening night to watch the '86 World Series. Almost as boring as watching an ACTUAL baseball game.
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| Please, Michelle, don't say that. |
31.
"I Could Never Be Your Woman"(2007)
When a resurgent Michelle Pfeiffer, looking phenomenal at 47, can't get a theatrical release in the U.S., maybe we're giving superheroes too many movie screens. Still, I can't see Amy Heckerling's haphazard comedy(this was her second-to-last film) drawing much of a crowd in any climate.
32.
"Helen"(2009)
Depression is depressing. That's what I mainly took away from this dour indie drama in which Ashley Judd can barely get out of bed. She should have slept instead, I sure did.
33.
"The Time Traveler's Wife"(2009)
Rachel McAdams was back in her "Notebook" mode in this estrogen overload that ruined the evenings of more than a few husbands/boyfriends. I'll take Eric Bana's Bruce Banner any day.
34.
"The Killer Inside Me"(2010)
Casey Affleck is an inadequate leading man("Manchester" notwithstanding). This nasty noir has him abusing Jessica Biel AND Kate Hudson. That's something I should have been able to enjoy. I guess Jim Thompson's 1952 crime novel wasn't meant to be a movie.
35.
"The Rite"(2011)
Sir Anthony Hopkins has never been averse to a paycheck, and that's never been more apparent than in this third-rate shocker. Religion? Demonic possession?? A heroic priest??? These tired tropes have no business in 21st Century cinema.
36.
"Wanderlust"(2012)
I wonder why I still lust after Jennifer Aniston. Her filmography contains one dopey diversion after another. Nobody can say that Paul Rudd didn't pay his dues.
37.
"Parental Guidance"(2012)
Billy Crystal and Bette Midler, presumably out to remind us that they are still alive, look after their grandkids in a lazy extended sitcom cynically designed to separate families from more of their dough during the long Christmas break.
38.
"The Counselor"(2013)
Ridley Scott's worst movie squanders an all-star cast(Brad Pitt, Michael Fassbender, Cameron Diaz, Javier Bardem), and clearly wants to be "No Country for Old Men"(it's even written by Cormac McCarthy). A snail's pace, unappealing characters and pages of pointless dialogue instead makes it one of the most profound disappointments of the 2010s.
39.
"Non-Stop"(2014)
That text is from me, and it says "Fuck you, Liam Neeson".
40.
"Before I Go to Sleep"(2014)
I can't remember a thing about this movie. That's very fitting, because Nicole Kidman's accident victim is suffering from some sort of permanent amnesia. She's lucky that the whole world seems to have the same condition as far as half her career is concerned.
41.
"By the Sea"(2015)
The fabled romance of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is bookended by two wildly dissimilar films(2005's Mr. and Mrs. Smith" is considerably more fun). If Angie is as humorless and hard-hearted in real life as this '70s-set slog(that she wrote and directed) leads me to believe, then Brad is a lot better off.
42.
"Criminal"(2016)
Kevin Costner's aging antihero was a criminal waste of time and money. Gary Oldman and Tommy Lee Jones are here because...they were paid very well to be. When Deadpool and Wonder Woman can't even liven things up, we have a problem.
43.
"Ithaca"(2016)
Meg Ryan's first(and I'm guessing last) stint as a director finds the former rom-com queen trading on misty-eyed WWII-era small-town Americana without much success. Tom Hanks was nice enough to cameo on his day off. Never even heard of it? You are NOT alone.
44.
"Paterson"(2016)
There's a lot of self-indulgence in the indie film world. Complete creative freedom can go both ways, and Adam Driver's bus-driving poet goes nowhere in this pretentious sleeping pill masquerading as a movie. Written and directed by(who else?) Jim Jarmusch.
45.
"Home Again"(2017)
Reese Witherspoon's lovely single mom opens her L.A. home to three good-looking young guys that DON'T try to have sex with her(only in the movies). This weak comedy may appeal to working women on a bored weeknight. Written and directed by a debuting Hallie Myers-Shyer, her parents were better at this sort of thing.
46.
"Brad's Status"(2017)
I'll update Brad's status for everybody- he's a bitch, that shouldn't care what his college buddies are putting on Facebook. You're fifty years old, Brad. There are children eating dirt in third-world countries. I sat through this Ben Stiller dramedy, so that you don't have to.
47.
"Wonder Wheel"(2017)
Is Woody Allen's time up? Maybe we've finally had our fill of the storied writer-director and his self-obsessed world, as evidenced by the conspicuous lack of theater claps that accompanied Kate Winslet in Coney Island. Justin Timberlake's two-timing lifeguard couldn't save it.
48.
"Death Wish"(2018)
Bruce Willis has to pretend he's never shot anybody before, and we have to pretend we haven't seen him do it at least a dozen times in Eli Roth's unimaginative remake of the 1974 urban revenge fantasy. This movie will still pin late-night couch potatoes to their seats as surely as Charles Bronson did decades ago, and there isn't a damn thing the liberal gun control crowd can do about that.
49.
"Acrimony"(2018)
Tyler Perry's female revenge fantasy never rises above the level of a trashy TV movie. Women need to choose their mates more carefully, Taraji P. Henson needs to choose better scripts and I should have chosen my "Fatal Attraction" DVD over this mindless drivel.
50.
"Blockers"(2018)
I hate sexual humor. It's such a lame way to be edgy. John Cena and Leslie Mann are likable and eager-to-please, but the only thing they're blocking here is misguided young people from seeing a better movie.
"A Woman as Good as Her Word"(1954)-actor only
