Franchise Review- Poltergeist

   Thirty-five years ago, Tobe Hooper(or Steven Spielberg) made the ultimate haunted house movie. Ronald Reagan's approval rating was sky-high and so were Michael Jackson's record sales, which meant that shitty sequels were sure to follow. You know I'm talking about the 1980s, and "Poltergeist" is often overshadowed by concurrent longer-running horror franchises, but not on my blog. We're going to get into all the bizarre goings-on that plagued the Freeling family, onscreen and off.

   Is their a "Poltergeist" curse? The producers of that scary E! True Hollywood Story that I watched in '02 sure seemed to think so. We're going to get to the bottom of that(not really) as I recap the legacy of "Poltergeist". This seems like the perfect place to drop a factoid about a TV show called "Poltergeist: The Legacy" that tried to squeeze a few bucks out of the brand name from 1996-1999. I want you to be every bit the pop culture junkie that I am. So, let's begin.

"Poltergeist"(1982)
Steven Spielberg, or God, as I like to call him, wrote, produced and directed(?) the greatest haunted house movie of all time. I know, that isn't his name under that last part in the opening credits, or the poster, or the back of the DVD. Tobe Hooper, of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" fame, was also on the set, so there's some confusion. Well, I'm going to add to it right now. Multiple cast and crew members have credited Spielberg as the film's primary creative voice. Maybe they're just sucking up to the most powerful guy in the biz, but the quality of the production certainly backs those claims. So does the suburban setting, and it's spitting image "E.T.". Drew Barrymore could have just as easily been sucked into a portal in the closet. Hooper died recently, and I don't enjoy pointing out that his last hit was..."Poltergeist". Meanwhile, SS is never far from his third Best Director Oscar, and his name appears on more moneymakers than I can list without sounding weirdly obsessed with the man. I guess the debate's settled.

   The original generated $76 million upon it's June release, and is the 70th most successful film of the 1980s. Minutiae like that is one of my specialties. The Spielberg/Hooper tandem took the time to present the Freelings as a flesh-and-blood family amidst all of the supernatural shenanigans, and it makes all the difference in the world. In a decade loaded with fright-fests, only the "Shining" outranks it in my book.

"Poltergeist II: The Other Side"(1986)
JoBeth Williams and Craig T. Nelson were lured back for the inevitable sequel by the biggest paychecks of their careers (ahh, artistic integrity). They're joined on "The Other Side" by Will Sampson(the Chief from "Cuckoo's Nest", and you better have seen it) and theater vet Julian Beck. That brings me to the only two minutes of this turd worth your undivided attention.

   I proclaim the insane Rev. Kane to be one of the most underrated creeps in movie history. Seriously, this deceased preacher makes me wish that the rest of "PII" doesn't so closely resemble the last crap I took. Spielberg and Hooper were both long gone, and the late Brian Gibson's one good movie AIN'T "Poltergeist II"(it's "What's Love Got to Do with It"). Fortunately, a grinning Tom Cruise came to rescue summertime audiences from it's shoddy FX-laden climax. The jingoistic "Top Gun" was a genuine '80s phenomenon.

   Now, we're going to talk about the so-called 'Curse of Poltergeist'. Twenty-two year old Dominique Dunne(older sister Dana Freeling) was strangled to death by her abusive boyfriend, four months after the release of the original(incredibly, the psychopathic John Sweeney served less than four years in prison). The skeletal Beck died of stomach cancer almost as soon as his role in "II" had been completed, and Sampson died of kidney failure a year later. Heather O'Rourke wouldn't survive the making of "III", the circumstances of which you're about to learn. These events added a spooky subtext that's arguably more interesting than the films themselves.

"Poltergeist III"(1988)
Heather O'Rourke was one of only two returning cast members(her psychic friend Zelda Rubinstein is the trilogy's other MVP) for this crummy conclusion that was symptomatic of an overworked genre being driven into the ground by cash-grab sequels. Carol Anne is sent to live with her aunt and uncle(Nancy Allen and Tom Skerritt) in a Chicago high-rise, and is still the target of malevolent spirits. You don't care about any of that, though. An eleven-year old O'Rourke probably shouldn't have spent her last days on this thrifty threequel. Heather's sudden and mysterious illness struck three quarters of the way through(she never looks healthy here), stunning the industry, and that's why Carol Anne isn't actually seen in the hastily-rewritten finale. Distraught director Gary Sherman didn't want to finish the film. I think the seven or eight people that paid to see it wish he hadn't.

   "Poltergeist III" got pummeled by the far-friendlier "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" at the summer '88 box office, before joining the late-night cable scrap heap. That's where I saw it as a nine-year old that didn't know any better. Siskel & Ebert's review is on Youtube, and it's a hoot. In the end, we have a life cut heartbreakingly short, yet forever enshrined in horror movie lore. R.I.P. Heather O'Rourke.

"Poltergeist"(2015)
The unholy trifecta of '80s horror villains(Jason, Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers) were all unearthed for remakes between 2007-2010, that no one seems to like. Hell, I don't recall Damien and Carrie White getting welcomed back either, but that didn't stop Hollywood from building more homes on an ancient burial ground. Sam Rockwell is the patriarch of a new family that winds up extremely unhappy in their new suburban surroundings. In fairness, this film and it's technical components are competent. It's also bland and instantly forgettable, and is a reminder of why I hate remakes. I know that many young horror buffs won't mind, and it isn't any worse than most of the genre's yearly offerings. For anyone over the age of 25, this movie and it's telegraphed scares, didn't need to exist.

   In closing, the first "Poltergeist" still steamrolls over all it's paranormal pretenders. It's a blessing, not a curse(horror sequels/reboots/remakes seem to be cursed in general by their unoriginality). TV static puts me in a trance, thanks to Carol Anne and company. They're STILL here.

Franchise Review- Rambo

   Thirty-five years ago, Sylvester Stallone launched his OTHER legendary franchise character whose name starts with an R and contains five letters. It's been a long road, and if you're a male with an ounce of masculinity in your body, you've enjoyed watching a sullen Sly blow up everything in sight at one time in your life. Rambo wasn't supposed to get sequels. He wasn't supposed to be a pop culture phenomenon. He wasn't supposed to become a symbol of Republican military might. Well, those things happened anyway, and there wasn't a damn thing those redneck cops, the National Guard,  the Vietnamese army, the Soviet army or the Burmese army could do about it. Consider yourself drafted for the next couple of minutes, as I recap the rise of the biggest brand name in '80s action excess.

"First Blood"(1982)
Clint Eastwood, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Steve McQueen, Mickey Rourke, John Travolta and Nick Nolte all turned down the lead role in the adaptation of David Morrell's novel at various points in the 1970s. I'll bet they all would have worn shirts with sleeves. I'll bet they all would have kept those shirts on. Enter Sylvester Stallone, the mumbling, muscled-up megastar eager to take a break from battling Mr. T and Carl Weathers. Stallone saw Rambo as a much more sympathetic figure than Morrell did, and extensive rewrites reflected this, as well as emphasizing the action and removing his suicide(this unused ending can be seen on YouTube). Veteran character actor Richard Crenna replaced an uncooperative Kirk Douglas during preproduction(Spartacus saw himself as the star) to land his signature role as his former commanding officer Colonel Trautman. Brian Dennehy is equally memorable as the surly sheriff extremely adverse to scruffy drifters with large hunting knives.

   "First Blood" topped the box office for three weeks after it's October release, and thanks to the exploding early '80s aftermarket of video and cable, the film picked up even more fervent followers in the comfort of their own homes. Director Ted Kotcheff constructed a lean, mean thriller that deserves a mention every time the genre's finest offerings are discussed. The effect that Rambo had on Stallone's career can't be overstated- not only is this first outing the best action movie he ever made, it's success caused him to drop any pretense of being a 'serious' actor(even though he is very good here) that may have been lingering since "Rocky" upset the '76 Academy Awards. The MTV generation didn't want tears, they wanted total carnage, and Sly was poised to serve as one of the decade's chief providers.

This is what 1980s iconography looks like.

"Rambo: First Blood Part II"(1985)
The highest-grossing film in the franchise was unleashed, rather appropriately, on Memorial Day weekend, and featured it's statuesque star at the height of his improbable superstardom("Rocky IV" came out just six months later). Fun fact- James Cameron co-wrote this sophomore effort, but Sly stepped in to infuse patriotism and politics and extract the elements he didn't like(a proposed mental hospital opening and a young sidekick). Stallone had his finger on the pulse, and knew the real draw lie in the cathartic joy of watching Rambo refight the Vietnam War singlehandedly(we get to win this time). Julia Nickson is the closest we ever got to a love interest, and the Singapore beauty did a nice job in the role. Director George P. Cosmatos made the ultimate one-man-army movie, and that 37% on RT is merely the result of uptight critics sorely in need of some context. Would Schwarzenegger have killed as many people in "Commando"(70%) if not for Rambo's return to the jungle? I don't think so.

   "Part II" was the second biggest moneymaker of 1985, behind "Back to the Future", and THE biggest hit of Stallone's career to this very day. When President Reagan namedropped Rambo in a foreign policy speech, the character had entered a realm of cultural significance that few entertainment products can lay claim to. I'll bet you forgot that there was an animated series and a line of toys that put a dent in G.I. Joe's bottom line. John Wayne wishes he could wave the flag as intensely as John J. Just tell me where the next batch of bad guys are, and I'll be there with bells on.

"You take Dundee, I'll take Roger Rabbit".

"Rambo III"(1988)
Stallone got into the best shape of his life and tore through Soviet-occupied Afghanistan in the inevitable third installment, the most violent(and most expensive) movie ever made circa 1988, according to the Guinness Book of World Records. There's a few reasons that "III" underperformed in theaters despite these aesthetic upgrades and fan service- Sly's repetition wasn't limited to the gym as his popularity was beginning to wane, he was still portraying Russians as repugnant villains with the Cold War ending, and there was fierce competition at the ticket counter("Big", "Crocodile Dundee II", "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"). It has to be noted that the late '80s action apex known as "Die Hard" also came out that summer. John McClane was much more human(and more interesting) than Stallone's stoic creation. The writing was on the wall.

   "Rambo III" is satisfying enough for series devotees(Jerry Goldsmith's score and Peter MacDonald's direction are both high caliber), but there didn't seem to be any more demand for the chiseled Commie killer as we entered the 1990s. Why work out, when you can wear a fake muscle suit like Michael Keaton's Batman? Stallone didn't have an answer, as he gradually slid to fourth place in the action hero hierarchy behind Arnold, Bruce and Keanu. Rambo was looking like a relic from a bygone era where all you needed was blood and bullets, and a fourth film looked like an impossibility. The character was figuratively right back where he started, a lost soldier without a war. It may have taken awhile, but he WOULD find another one.

You're never too old to rip someone's throat out.

"Rambo"(2008)
Twenty years after he assisted those Afghan freedom fighters(an awkward plot device post-9/11), Rambo was back on the big screen where he belonged. Reenergized by the success of "Rocky Balboa"(and inspired by ugly real world events) Sly knew the time was right for a resurrection of his beloved Green Beret. Age is irrelevant, because Rambo is a force of nature, and that's never been truer than when he took a boat ride to Burma to wipe it's evil regime off the face of the earth. We should all thank Sly for pushing the R-rating as far as it can go as a director, while other hard-edged heroes went all PG-13 on us(take that, John McClane). This movie is brutal and unapologetically violent, and I mean that as a compliment. I'll take Rambo IV over "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" any night of the week.

   Stallone recently said that Rambo is officially retired. Can we really believe that he won't make a fifth eventually? The resurgent legend has a full plate, and "Last Blood" is unlikely, but as long as he's living and breathing, it could happen. If it doesn't, that's fine. Rambo is still one of the greatest characters in film history, and that's not nostalgia talking. It's a fact. You can look it up. Liam Neeson can kiss my ass, and Robert Downey Jr. isn't kicking anybody's without CGI. Rambo never needed that. He'll use his bare hands if he can't find his bow 'n' arrow. Now bow before John Rambo.

Updated Sept 2019

"Rambo: Last Blood"(2019)
Sadly, Stallone stumbles in his fifth and(hopefully) final adventure as filmdom's preeminent super-soldier. There seems to be an ideological battle breaking out between squeamish "liberal" critics and the character's coarse mostly-male fanbase(par for the course in Trump's America). I sit somewhere in the middle. The story had potential- a relaxed Rambo returns to his old ways when a friend's daughter is abducted by a vile sex trafficking ring in Mexico. But the 89-minute execution smacks of straight-to-DVD dross, with brutal bad guy deaths and very little else. I can't believe a talented director wasn't available to craft a classy epilogue for a pop culture icon. Adrian "Get the Gringo" Grunberg wasn't that guy.

   Rambo literally ripping the heart out of one his one-dimensional foes was just a step too far, even for a franchise never known for subtly(I hope you like beheadings). A dozen nameless henchmen are routinely and hastily dispatched at his heavily-boobytrapped Arizona ranch during the "Home Alone"-style finale. Some will enjoy the blunt carnage, others will have no desire for "Last Blood Part II". I'll be the least surprised person on the planet if Sly squeezes in a sixth film before his 80th birthday. He'll surely go one more round as Rocky first. Could Rambo ever receive a "Creed"-like relaunch, complete with a torch-bearing apprentice? They drew first blood...