You saw them, you were disappointed by them. You were denied a refund. This is where I come in. No sin should go unpunished, and no bad movie should get away with taking your time and money OR spending so much of it to produce so little. I believe in accountability. It doesn't matter who you are or how much good you've done previously. A two star movie is like getting a juicy burger at a restaurant with a hair in it. I'm sending these movies back to the kitchen with a message. Here's my fourth round-up of two star movies in the order they were released.
1. "Still of the Night"(1982)
Meryl Streep has called this dreary thriller one of the worst films of her career. Strangely enough, it came out the same year as arguably her best film "Sophie's Choice"(it happens that way sometimes).
2. "The Woman in Red"(1984)
The late Gene Wilder was a gifted performer. However, this slight, silly sex comedy(which he also directed) is only bearable when Kelly LeBrock(of "Weird Science" fame) is onscreen and/or when Stevie Wonder's music(his soundtrack was a massive seller) is blaring in the background.
3. "City Heat"(1984)
Towering tough guys Clint Eastwood and Burt Reynolds both got beat down by "Beverly Hills Cop" when they paired up for this puny Prohibition-era action comedy(conventional wisdom stated that this film couldn't miss). Burt took the brunt of the criticism, and came away in a considerably weaker state, literally and figuratively(he was injured filming a fight scene). Clint was never heard from again.
4. "Perfect"(1985)
A gyrating John Travolta was starting to become a joke(look for it on YouTube and thank me later) in this far-from perfect rom-com about a writer researching the fitness craze of the 1980s. A 25 year old Jamie Lee Curtis salvages a couple scenes as a sweaty aerobics babe, otherwise the gym has rarely felt like more of a chore.
5. "Assassination"(1987)
Charles Bronson and his stunt double play an aging Secret Service agent assigned to the First Lady(his real-life wife Jill Ireland) in a low-grade 88 minute Cannon actioner(they were notorious for cutting corners). Bronson's die-hard fans may not mind, everyone else should watch "In the Line of Fire".
6. "Light of Day"(1987)
Michael J. Fox and his hair starred in Paul Schrader's lightweight drama about a family band during a break from "Family Ties" to capitalize on his post-"BTTF" popularity. Even though Joan Jett rocks out as his rebellious sister, her acting left me feeling like this movie never should have seen(you guessed it) the light of day.
7. "Action Jackson"(1988)
Remember that bitchin' franchise with Carl Weathers as a bulky, bad-ass Detroit cop? The reason you can't is because it doesn't exist. The '80s had more movie cops than real ones, and casualties were inevitable in this crowded marketplace. Poor Apollo just couldn't compete.
8. "Fletch Lives"(1989)
Chevy Chase's wisecracking investigative reporter ran out of steam only two movies into what was intended to be a long-running film series. The title of his second adventure couldn't be more misleading, thanks to a steady stream of tired gags which indicated that Chevy's days as a top-tier comedian were definitely numbered("Christmas Vacation" notwithstanding). Fletch 3? No thanks.
9. "The Exorcist III"(1990)
George C. Scott and Brad Dourif are both watchable in an otherwise woeful continuation of "The Exorcist" saga that arrived about ten years too late. Writer-director William Peter Blatty's search for a Satanic serial killer IS an improvement over 1977's "The Heretic". Then again, almost anything would have been.
10. "Desperate Hours"(1990)
A villainous Mickey Rourke stages a home invasion on Anthony Hopkins, but it was all twelve viewers of Michael Cimino's regrettable remake that felt the most violated. A violent third act couldn't even lift this lousy thriller into the land of late-night guilty pleasures. We're not that desperate.
11. "The Indian Runner"(1991)
David Morse and Viggo Mortensen are small-town brothers on opposite sides of the law in this lethargic, unfocused indie drama. First-time director Sean Penn squandered a good cast(and a year of his prime) for a paltry $190,000 gross on a $7 million budget.
12. "Striking Distance"(1993)
Bruce Willis is a water cop on the trail of a killer and Sarah Jessica Parker is his sexy new partner. This formulaic thriller shouldn't suck as much as it does, but at least it's failure inspired a sleepwalking Willis to get smarter about his career(for a while).
13. "Jimmy Hollywood"(1994)
Joe Pesci and his distracting blonde mop failed to keep his "My Cousin Vinny" momentum going as a struggling actor turned vigilante in this totally forgotten comedy from director Barry Levinson("Rain Man"). "Hollywood" is one of those half-baked projects that never should have come to fruition, with an overworked star looking increasingly unsuitable for leading man roles.
14. "The Shadow"(1994)
Alec Baldwin pretends he's Batman in this superhero shite that got slaughtered by "Forrest Gump" on the Fourth of July weekend. "The Shadow" proved to be so unpopular that it's tie-in video game wasn't even released. A reboot has yet to be discussed.
15. "Beyond Rangoon"(1995)
It's a little embarrassing when a movie that's clearly constructed to win awards doesn't even get nominated for one. A brunette Patricia Arquette and Frances McDormand took a boat ride to Burma in this John Boorman Oscar bait. They should have stayed home, I should have taken a shower.
16. "Assassins"(1995)
Sylvester Stallone and Antonio Banderas square off as rival hitmen for "Lethal Weapon" director Richard Donner. I shouldn't be dozing off every time I try to watch this. Sly was shooting blanks for much of Bill Clinton's presidency, the rise of Julianne Moore's profile is the only positive I can come up with.
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| "Relax, kid. We're getting paid". |
17. "Chain Reaction"(1996)
A shaggy-haired Keanu Reeves almost rejected action star status after being uncomfortably cast as a student machinist framed for murder in this Andrew Davis dud that made us realize that the "The Fugitive" was a giant fluke. Keanu would be lost in a laboratory, and the disillusioned stud would subsequently pass on "Speed 2: Cruise Control"(a LITERAL chain reaction).
18. "Escape from L.A."(1996)
Kurt Russell and John Carpenter greatly overestimated the public's affection for Snake Plissken when they waited fifteen years to produce a sequel to their 1981 cult hit "Escape from New York". The action and FX in "L.A." just didn't cut it in 1996. Heck, this wouldn't have cut it IN 1986. "Escape" embarrassingly recouped only half of it's $50 million budget, sliding the "Halloween" director further into irrelevance.
19. "Hard Rain"(1998)
Christian Slater's career drowned following the release of this soggy flop with a title more memorable than anything that occurs onscreen(a concurrent jail stint didn't help matters, either). "Titanic" trounced this flick, like so many other unfortunate releases in the first four months of 1998. Only Morgan "I love money" Freeman managed to dry himself off.
20. "The Object of My Affection"(1998)
Jennifer Aniston laid the groundwork for an undeserving post-"Friends" big screen run in which she banked on her young female fan-base that really doesn't know any better. A pregnant Jen falls for her gay best friend(Paul Rudd) because, ya know, all heterosexual men are heartless and vile.
21. "Flawless"(1999)
Robert De Niro closed out the 1990s with this flat comedy about a homophobic stroke victim forced to accept the help of a kindly cross-dresser. The late Philip Seymour Hoffman was really starting to make a name for himself during this period. Joel Schumacher's shaky direction didn't do the production any favors, though. The gay and lesbian community doesn't even want to watch this.
22. "Planet of the Apes"(2001)
I remember when Tim Burton was a wildly creative dynamo that didn't have to ape other people's work. Those days now seem like a distant memory. Mark Wahlberg was miscast in the Charlton Heston role, but the '01 version of "Apes" succeeded in reviving a dormant brand at the ticket counter, critics be damned.
23. "Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life"(2003)
Jan de Bont's glossy sequel sends Angelina Jolie's gorgeous video game heroine on a search for Pandora's Box, while bored viewers searched for the exit. "Croft" couldn't stand out in a sea of summer simplicity, at least Angelina spared us a trilogy.
24. "50 First Dates"(2004)
Drew Barrymore wakes up with no memory of the days she spent with Adam Sandler. I need an explanation as to how that's a bad thing. "Dates" is relatively harmless in the grand scheme of Sandler's career, that doesn't mean he deserved a second one.
25. "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow"(2004)
Jude Law was really being shoved down our throats in '04(he had SIX movies out that year). The overexposed Brit ain't anybody's idea of a 'cool' movie hero as evidenced by the lukewarm response to this lame 1940s-set fantasy that also wastes the talents of Brad Pitt's exes(Gwyneth Paltrow and the abovementioned Angelina Jolie).
26. "White Noise"(2005)
Michael Keaton didn't make a lot of noise in the 2000s. One of his few starring roles came in this cheap chiller that drew a surprisingly large crowd in the January dead zone. Keaton makes contact with his wife shortly after her death, it would take much longer for him to hear from approving critics and moviegoers again.
27. "Bad News Bears"(2005)
Billy Bob Thornton does his "Bad Santa" routine for Richard Linklater's lifeless remake of the 1976 comedy smash. I'd prefer that today's kids watch Walter Matthau's pre-PC antics, it was the last time the Bears were anything but bad news.
28. "The Break-Up"(2006)
Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn couldn't end things fast enough in a depressing relationship drama disguised as light-hearted comedy. I know that break-ups are often difficult and unpleasant, but it's a shame that no one told this miserable pair that a movie about it doesn't have to be.
29. "Hannibal Rising"(2007)
Hannibal DOESN'T rise, he dies in this pitiful prequel that demystifies the legendary madman we first met in 1986's "Manhunter". Gaspard Ulliel(?) is colorless as the cultured cannibal in a convenient backstory that begins with the massacre of his family at the hands of the Nazis in 1944. Evil has rarely been this run-of-the-mill.
30. "The Women"(2008)
Meg Ryan's "comeback" was not to be in this foul piece of feminist propaganda. There's not one male in this entire film. I mean, not even an extra. I needed testosterone replacement therapy after having every ounce of masculinity removed from my body over the course of an hour and 54 minutes. At least women hated it, too.
31. "Fast & Furious"(2009)
Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are reunited, and moronic motorheads all over the world rejoice. So, is Dom Toretto a good guy now? Or is Brian O'Conner a bad guy?? Am I supposed to just ignore these questions, and embrace all the dumb 'fun'??? I know my life would be easier if I could, but director Justin Lin only gets the 'dumb' part right.
32. "Nine"(2009)
Daniel Day-Lewis was ineffective in a movie once, and the proof will be preserved for all time. The three-time Oscar winner lacked the light touch required to light up Rob Marshall's second musical("Chicago" was 2002's Best Picture). The extended cameos of Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Judi Dench and Marion Cotillard couldn't keep me awake, either.
33. "The Expendables"(2010)
I've developed a love-hate relationship with Sylvester Stallone. If only he'd apply his enormous energy and never-say-die attitude toward movies that were actually worth watching rather than staging a full-fledged revival of brain-dead dopiness soaked in nostalgia that's every bit as painful as going mano a mano with one of one of his worn-out warriors. And some decent dialogue would be nice.
34. "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps"(2010)
It's ironic that Oliver Stone and Michael Douglas succumbed to their own greed when they orchestrated the dull and unnecessary resurrection of Gordon Gekko. Did anyone really want to see the repentant Wall Street wizard mentor Shia LaBeouf and reunite with his estranged daughter twenty-plus years later? Didn't think so.
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| "Just make as many movies as you can, it's quantity, not quality". |
35. "Limitless"(2011)
Bradley Cooper has his limits, he's been averaging three bad movies for every good one. An intriguing premise needed a better director than Neil Burger to explore the untapped potential of the human mind. The unexpected financial success of "Limitless" led to a TV show of the same name that lasted only one season.
36. "This Is 40"(2012)
The sort-of sequel to "Knocked Up" continued the Judd Apatow tradition of leaving absolutely nothing on the cutting room floor. The sex-obsessed writer-director might be more in love with his own material than he is with his lovely wife Leslie Mann. I felt much closer to middle age at the end of "40" than I did at the beginning of it.
37. "Killing Season"(2013)
Robert De Niro and a badly-accented John Travolta(stay down, JT) play former opposing soldiers that spend the better part of 90 nightmarish minutes talking and fighting, and talking and fighting, then talking and fighting some more. They were surely paid much more to run around the woods for a few weeks than America paid to watch it. What a total waste of time.
38. "Labor Day"(2013)
Maybe we jumped the gun in proclaiming Jason Reitman("Juno", "Up in the Air") the next great director. This indie summer snooze-fest finds Kate Winslet's depressed single mom sidling up to Josh Brolin's escaped convict, a relationship I just can't endorse. Spoiler alert- he gets caught, she waits for him(sigh). Only in the movies.
39. "And So It Goes"(2014)
Michael Douglas and Diane Keaton are flirting with irrelevance and they have an equally archaic Rob Reiner to blame for making that abundantly clear. They say old people don't go to the movies. We never gave them much incentive.
40. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"(2014)
Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael and Donatello were a big part of my childhood. Michael Bay and his "Transformers"-style action made sure they wouldn't be a part of my adulthood(he was a VERY hands-on producer while hired hack Jonathan Liebesman handled the human characters). I don't have a problem with CGI Turtles or Megan Fox. I DO have a problem with this comic book-bound culture and our insatiable appetite for empty-headed escapism.
41. "Aloha"(2015)
Bradley Cooper bombed as a military man hanging out in Hawaii in Cameron Crowe's humdrum romantic comedy. I wish I could've warned Rachel McAdams and Emma Stone about Crowe's lazy leadership and about how he won't ever make another "Jerry Maguire". Bill Murray shows up because he's Bill Murray and...that's why.
42. "The Night Before"(2015)
I'm never spending Christmas with Seth Rogen, Anthony Mackie and Joseph Gordon-Levitt again. These three goons turn Dec 24th into a night of groan-inducing debauchery at the Nutcracker Ball. Hollywood just can't stop ruining the holidays.
43. "Money Monster"(2016)
Are you telling me that corporate crime is bad and we're all getting screwed by guys that wear suits to work every day? Thanks, Jodie Foster, I had no idea. This self-righteous drama is too simplistic to offer anything new or insightful about the financial crisis. A fading George Clooney must have been passed up for a role in 2015's far superior "The Big Short".
44. "Independence Day: Resurgence"(2016)
Look, it's Jeff Goldblum and Bill Pullman, watching helplessly as their generic, boringly-belated sequel to "ID4" gets devoured by "Finding Dory". I guess "Independence Day" doesn't have the same pop culture clout as "Jurassic Park". How about we take that $150 million that Roland Emmerich would have used to assault us with a third installment and feed some starving children?
45. "Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates"(2016)
Mike and Dave need brain transplants. I need to find a better way to kill 98 minutes than spending it on a crude extended sitcom designed to further Zac Efron's career. Tell me again how cute and funny Anna Kendrick is. Studio comedies haven't fit either description in a long time.
46. "The Girl on the Train"(2016)
Emily Blunt takes a backwards step in Tate Taylor's sloppy TV movie-style 'thriller' that's based on some best-selling bullshit. And to think I was about to say that you'd be better off reading a book.
47. "Collateral Beauty"(2016)
Will Smith wasted a perfectly good crying scene on this terrible tearjerker. I hate it when movies try to provoke an emotional response that they haven't earned. Edward Norton and Kate Winslet can't distract from a deeply flawed premise(Love, Time and Death?). I really hope you saw "Manchester by the Sea" instead.
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| "Can you believe we're in a movie?" |
48. "The Resurrection of Gavin Stone"(2017)
WWE Films produced this faith-based comedy and the results are exactly what you'd expect. Movies like this are the reason the bargain bin at Wal-Mart is always overflowing. A male "Sister Act"? Not quite.
49. "The Comedian"(2016)
It wouldn't be a two-star movie blog without a few appearances from De Niro. Here's one thing the once-great actor can't do(besides turn down a multimillion-dollar paycheck)- play a bitter, acerbic cradle-robbing stand-up comic who insults just about everybody, the audience most of all.
50. "The Circle"(2017)
It's a little late to be warning of the dangers of social media and oversharing, I have a feeling that Facebook and it's ilk are here to stay. Emma Watson won't be a leading lady in projects this poorly-written and directed. Tom Hanks lowers himself as the slimy head of The Circle, he'll only play a prick if you promise not to watch.
