1. "The Last House on the Left"(1972)
This trashy, exploitative horror flick may have turned a healthy profit on a miniscule budget, but it still leaves me feeling like late director Wes Craven's long-upheld rep as one of the genre's champions may not be entirely deserved.
2. "The Last Tycoon"(1976)
It's a shame that the first(and last) onscreen meeting of Robert De Niro and Jack Nicholson was such a thoroughly uneventful and anticlimactic affair. "On the Waterfront" director's Elia Kazan's sluggish 1930s-set swan song completely wastes two titanic talents, and was akin to watching paint dry.
3. "The Cannonball Run"(1981)
A bored Burt Reynolds and his good-time buddies coast through this jokey early '80s relic that made money for no other reason than he was still popular during Reagan's first term. Un-amused audiences were left regretting their earlier support of "Smokey and the Bandit" and swearing never again.
4. "They All Laughed"(1981)
You won't laugh but you may cry if you seek out this pointless Peter Bogdanovich ensemble looking for a late-career Audrey Hepburn only to find a whole lot more of bumbling sitcom star John Ritter.
5. "Local Hero"(1983)
I feel the need to point out the pitfalls of RT here(100%? Really??) and call out all those pretentious cinephiles that just LOVE to rally around obscure, unassuming films, knowing that their opinions will never be challenged by the 99% of the population that will never see them. "Hero" isn't a bad film, but there's NO WAY IN HELL it belongs on any 'greatest movies' list.
6. "Legend"(1985)
Tom Cruise sure didn't look like a future legend in this foul fantasy that forced Ridley Scott to retreat from the land of make-believe until we all realized how much we loved "Blade Runner". Why would any 1985 kid want to chill in this freaky forest while Michael J. Fox is traveling through time?
7. "Above the Law"(1988)
I don't know if there's a more embarrassing entry in the cinematic landscape in the last quarter-century than Steven Seagal(okay, "Under Siege" was passable). The next time you're faced with a seemingly impossible task, remember one thing- this stone-faced fake martial artist was a movie star.
8. "Bloodsport"(1988)
While we're on the subject, we should talk about the OTHER guy that rode Stallone and Schwarzenegger's coattails to become a B-list world-beater. Jean-Claude Van Damme's big break is the textbook definition of a guilty pleasure(the key word being GUILTY) in the falsified Far East exploits of fabricated fighter Frank Dux.
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| "Marry me. You won't regret it". |
9. "D.O.A."(1988)
If you ever wondered why Dennis Quaid never became an A-list leading man, this dreary, confusing, aptly-titled thriller from the "Super Mario Bros." team of Rocky Morton and Annabel Jankel should clear things up.
10. "Physical Evidence"(1989)
Burt Reynolds and his toupee must prove their innocence with the help of monotone also-ran Theresa Russell in this January bomb that plunged the 1970s stud even further down into the pop culture abyss.
11. "Air America"(1990)
A red-hot Mel Gibson gives Robert Downey Jr. a rub(things have changed just a LITTLE) in this misbegotten buddy pic about Vietnam era pilots that wasn't nearly as appealing as watching "Lethal Weapon 2" for the hundredth time.
12. "The Last Boy Scout"(1991)
Speaking of buddy duos, the tag team of Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans are also among the worst ones(deal with it). The "Die Hard" dynamo can play a smirking antihero in his sleep(and practically does here) while Wayans wishes he was Eddie Murphy. This violent cartoon didn't deserve the visual flair of the late, great Tony Scott.
13. "Beethoven's 2nd"(1993)
Charles Grodin watched his career go to the dogs in this slobbering sequel that(coupled with 1994's catastrophic "Clifford") led to his acrimonious twelve year exit from the soul-crushing world of film comedy and into the(presumably) more-pleasant position of political commentator.
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| Tony Stark and Aunt May had a thing back in the day. |
14. "Only You"(1994)
Marisa Tomei ditches her fiancé to chase a mystery man on the other side of the globe(and we're supposed to like her) in one of those odious only-in-the-movies set-ups that subconsciously reinforces the hard-to-please patterns of fickle, weak-minded women. RDJ wasn't always the coolest man alive.
15. "French Kiss"(1995)
How cute was Meg Ryan in the '90s? Not cute enough to excuse this romantic comedy claptrap that cast her as yet another adorably confused creature that's best avoided in real life. And there's Kevin Kline called in to provide the(supposed) laughs.
16. "2 Days in the Valley"(1996)
An assortment of loosely-connected California lowlifes try WAY too hard to be hip in this wack "Pulp Fiction" wannabe produced at a time when the industry was positively obsessed with finding "the next Tarantino"(they didn't).
17. "Daylight"(1996)
Sylvester Stallone's "last action movie"(as he humorously proclaimed at the time) found the former box office champ rescuing stranded passengers in a NYC tunnel, but not his own creaky career that had become hopelessly bogged down in boring, repetitive releases like this one.
18. "Picture Perfect"(1997)
Somehow, Jennifer Aniston succeeded where all of her "Friends" faltered. We're still paying the price for allowing this featherweight fluff to fall through the cracks in the summer of '97. When "Perfect" more than doubled it's budget, there was no moving away from her generic girl next door.
19. "Practical Magic"(1998)
No magic here. Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock couldn't cast a spell in this silly extended sitcom about suburban witches that could have only been improved by the sight of these superstar beauties being burned at the stake.
20. "What Dreams May Come"(1998)
Robin Williams must have been dreaming of the second Oscar that never came when he started signing up for every saccharine sob-fest he came across in the late '90s. The result was his permanent removal from the top tier. If THIS is the afterlife, I'll stay down here in hell.
21. "The Deep End of the Ocean"(1999)
Michelle Pfeiffer couldn't even draw the Oprah book club crowd to this drab drama about a boy's disappearance(her son)- a sound premise, undone by the flat TV-movie style execution of director Ulu Grosbard.
22. "Entrapment"(1999)
Catherine Zeta-Jones was hot. Unfortunately, that's the only reason to watch this shallow Sean Connery vehicle that isn't likely to get mentioned in any of his obituaries. It's still a reason, though.
23. "The Ninth Gate"(1999)
Johnny Depp is on a puzzling quest in Roman Polanski's putrid reworking of his old "Chinatown" formula, with a little "Rosemary's Baby" thrown in and a whole lot of bullshit.
24. "What Planet Are You From"(2000)
Garry Shandling(R.I.P.) is a socially-awkward alien sent to Earth to mate with Annette Bening in this insufferable sex comedy that bombed with a capital B a few short months into the new millennium, leaving a black mark on the resume of director Mike Nichols("The Graduate").
25. "Collateral Damage"(2002)
An aging Arnold Schwarzenegger is after the terrorists that killed his family in a trivial thriller that was a lot less fun in a post-9/11 world. No wonder the saggy superman went into politics.
26. "XXX"(2002)
Vin Diesel dropped the ball as an extreme-sports star turned secret agent in this preposterous thriller designed for dumb males with a hard-on for empty-headed thrills. That's a deep demographic, which is why 2017 will see the regressive return of Xander Cage(at least Vin was smart enough to stay away from 2005's "State of the Union").
27. "Taking Lives"(2004)
Angelina Jolie and her lips star in this ludicrous thriller that will take an hour and 43 minutes of your life, and only give back a malleable murder mystery you'll stop caring about in roughly half that time in return.
28. "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang"(2005)
Do me a favor- ask an average millennial to name five Robert Downey Jr. movies that AREN'T "Iron Man" or "The Avengers". They won't be able to(and for good reason). Then ask that same person who Val Kilmer is(ditto). Updated 2023- Congratulations to RDJ on "Oppenheimer" and Val for his touching appearance in 2022's biggest hit "Top Gun: Maverick".
29. "Nacho Libre"(2006)
Jack Black made "School of Rock" look like a giant fluke in this moronic comedy about Mexican wrestling. I was done with him after this. You can have Jack back, I'll hold on to my remaining brain cells.
30. "Miami Vice"(2006)
What a Crock. The dull and disinterested duo of Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx fail to resuscitate the 'cool' '80s cop show in this Michael Mann misstep- a lifeless and overlong exercise in style over substance.
31. "Bobby"(2006)
Director Emilio Estevez(WTF?) assembled a large cast that should've known better for this unfocused, scattershot drama about the last day of Robert Kennedy's life at L.A.'s Ambassador Hotel in 1968. But it's not REALLY about Bobby. Or anything else. You'll wish Sirhan Sirhan had brought a few more bullets.
32. "Mad Money"(2008)
Diane Keaton, Katie Holmes and Queen Latifah rob the Federal Reserve Bank in this comically-challenged caper that plays like a poor girl's "Ocean's Eleven". This tepid trio was overdrawn, and "Thelma & Louise" scribe Callie Khouri hasn't made a movie since.
33. "Valentine's Day"(2010)
"Pretty Woman" director Garry Marshall gave us the decade's most tripe trilogy(coming soon- "Mother's Day"!), with his episodic holiday-themed hogwash, carried out by a dozen slumming stars that didn't have the heart to say 'no' to the old man.
34. "The Beaver"(2011)
Mel Gibson was badly miscast as a depressed guy that starts communicating through a beaver puppet(where was Jim Carrey and Robin Williams?) in this dour comedy/drama(Jodie Foster couldn't seem to decide) that saw Mad Mel's movie star status get completely revoked.
35. "The Grey"(2012)
Most of Liam Neeson's filmography leaves me feeling cold and grey. The greedy Irishman has sure 'taken' gullible viewers(and their wallets) for a ride since selling out to shite like Joe Carnahan's frigid flop. Just watch "The Revenant".
36. "Being Flynn"(2012)
I've been told that this is a 'good' latter-day De Niro movie. I derive no pleasure in reporting that the opposite is true. I feel bad for anyone that isn't old enough to remember when the two-time Oscar winner actually gave a fuck.
37. "Safe Haven"(2013)
We're NOT safe as long as Julianne Hough is securing movie roles. I thought subpar female-driven dreck was what the Lifetime network was for. Just let me know when this Nick Sparks nonsense is over.
38. "Snitch"(2013)
The Rock sucks(somebody had to say it). I guess this drug-trafficking drama was supposed to be a 'serious' movie(sorry, Dwayne). The people's champ has proven a big screen chump whenever the word "Fast" isn't in the title.
39. "The Other Woman"(2014)
Cameron Diaz delivers another lame, crass comedy(her apparent trademark) about three women seeking revenge on the same cheating man, that's occasionally enlivened by the quirky presence of Leslie Mann.
40. "Neighbors"(2014)
Seth Rogen's face puts me in a bad mood. Every movie he's in has to work extra-hard to change that. A zany Zac Efron and his college cronies weren't up to the task, but the pathetic partying continues in a 2016 sequel that I don't see myself partaking in this summer.
41. "The Gambler"(2014)
Don't bet on Mark Wahlberg unless you don't mind being mired in mediocrity. I took a date to see this one, and lost big time. I even made a trip or two to the snack counter. You owe me money, Marky Mark.
42. "San Andreas"(2015)
The Rock may be the worst lead actor in movies. Here's the WWE legend reacting(unconvincingly) to CGI-laden natural disasters, the biggest being this fraudulent flick that attracted a flock of undemanding summertime audiences that I will hold personally responsible for the follow-up rumored to be in development.
43. "Rock the Kasbah"(2015)
Why is Bill Murray still so bloody revered?! His followers must have missed this moribund Middle East-set comedy that found his sarcastic-slacker shtick had officially passed it's expiration date, resulting in one of the five WORST opening weekends EVER for a wide release.
44. "Secret in Their Eyes"(2015)
There was a time when Julia Roberts and Nicole Kidman would've made for a can't-miss night at the movies. Not anymore, I'm afraid. Here's a secret- this unremarkable remake and it's far-fetched finale aren't even worth finding out about on cable.
45. "Love the Coopers"(2015)
Needless to say, I didn't love the Coopers. I didn't even like the Coopers. An all-star cast was inexplicably lured into this cloying Christmas crap that Tinsel-town delivers every year without fail along with all the other 'gifts' you didn't ask for.
46. "How to Be Single"(2016)
Why do so many young people stay single? Well, this rancid "Sex and the City" rip-off doesn't put me in any kind of rush to mingle with the opposite sex. I guess Dakota Johnson is here to stay(the jury's still out), but Rebel Wilson's wide ass won't have a movie career if I can help it.
47. "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot"(2016)
Attention, Hollywood- the Middle East isn't funny. AT ALL. Tina Fey fumbles in a semi-serious role that required either a real actress for scenes intended to be dramatic OR an entirely different movie for her female fans that are only looking for light-hearted laughs.
48. "London Has Fallen"(2016)
I fell asleep(twice) while London was falling, and only remembered later that this lazy assembly-line actioner was actually a sequel. Let's not allow Gerard Butler's sleep-inducing Secret Service agent to save the world a third time.
49. "The Bronze"(2016)
Melissa Rauch collapsed in this crude comedy that kept her miles away from the medal stand with a $600,000 gross on a $3.5 million budget- a failure every bit as miserable as her washed-up gymnast caricature Hope Ann Greggory.
50. "The Boss"(2016)
Melissa McCarthy must be stopped. If an easily amused supporter of her over-the-top obnoxiousness happens to be a part of your family or circle of friends, please try to show that person the light. If you ARE that person, please read a book or join a gym and get your life together.
