The release of "Dirty Grandpa" has forced me to address an issue that's been bothering me for some time. I really didn't want to do this. I know that you are(or were) a fan of Robert De Niro. It's almost impossible not to be, and if I didn't know better, I'd think he was actually trying to have his face removed from the Mt. Rushmore of film acting. I can't say I was shocked at the sight of him masturbating to porn in a reclining chair. He's been building up it for the last twenty years. That's how long it's been since he worked with Martin Scorsese, but I'm not hear to talk about "Taxi Driver", "Raging Bull" or "Goodfellas". We're not getting in to "The Godfather Part II" either. You'll have to look elsewhere for lengthy discussions about "The Deer Hunter", "The King of Comedy", "Once Upon a Time in America" and "Midnight Run". I know you loved him in "The Untouchables", "Cape Fear", "Casino" and "Heat". So did I. But this blog will focus on the MANY baffling detours that caused me to question my devotion to the man that has entertained me as much as anyone that's ever stepped in front of the camera. My extensive research reveals that he doesn't know what to do with himself when he's away from one and his indiscriminate attitude toward acting goes back much further than Fearless Leader.
He's appeared in nearly 100 films since 1965. He HAD to have known that a significant amount of them would suck. The apologist in me says the man just loves to work(the working man might be the tough guy but that doesn't make him smart). The cynic in me says that he's greedy and never saw a multimillion dollar paycheck he didn't like. You decide. Enjoy my(regrettable) retrospective on the greatest film actor of all time.
"Falling in Love"(1984)
It's safe to say that all proponents of quality cinema were deeply in love with this heavily praised pair in 1984. However, every relationship hits a rough patch. De Niro and Meryl Streep(proving she's hardly infallible) are married NYC strangers who meet cute while Christmas shopping and then again on the train ride to work. What follows is possibly the dullest extramarital affair in film history. It turns out(and this wouldn't be the only example) that De Niro is as bad at romance as he is good at sullen outsiders prone to bursts of violence. I can't blame this powerful pair for reuniting six years after their 1978 Best Picture winner "The Deer Hunter", but there was no overcoming such soapy melodramatic material. There's a reason nobody remembers this.
"Jacknife"(1989)
Speaking of "The Deer Hunter", somebody should have shown it to Bob before he grew that sick beard for nothing in this utterly pointless revival of scarred soldier drama. It's extremely rare for a war-themed film starring heavyweights like De Niro and Ed Harris to be totally and completely forgotten. Well, that's exactly what happened to "Jacknife". If every single copy of this movie was buried in the desert, I don't think a single person would notice. This blog is the most attention it's had in 27 years. Anyway, Bob and his beard visit one of his old traumatized Vietnam buddies(Harris), while the drab execution of director David Jones nullifies everything these two actors bring to the table.
"We're No Angels"(1989)
As long as we're talking about disappointing team-ups, we have to get this one out of the way. The double Oscar winners seen here have only made one movie together in their long and illustrious careers. Unfortunately, it's "We're No Angels", a hardly angelic 'comedy' in which the two men renowned for the seriousness of their artistic pursuits appear as charmless escaped convicts posing as priests in the 1930s. Fortunately, "Back to the Future Part II" sent "Angels" straight to hell during the '89 holiday season. Sean Penn seems to have learned his lesson. For Bob, it was a troubling sign of things to come.
"Mad Dog and Glory"(1993)
See what I mean? Leave it to a disinterested De Niro to bring a post-"Groundhog Day" Bill Murray back down to earth(not that I'm letting the hipster god off the hook, I just might make him the subject of a similar article one day). Murray is a scary gangster, and De Niro is a timid New Yorker. The role reversal is supposed to be funny in itself. It isn't. Comedy was officially a fallback for Bob in between more worthwhile productions, and Jack Walsh led to a lot of junk. But what would become of Scorsese's not-so-secret weapon when projects like "A Bronx Tale" and "This Boy's Life" weren't right around the corner?
"Mary Shelley's Frankenstein"(1994)
In one of his oddest career moves, De Niro dons heavy makeup to play a literal 'monster' in the Kenneth Branagh version of the venerable 18th Century horror tale. I'm sure Bob and his Shakespearean director/co-star had good intentions here, but their high-minded operatic efforts meant little to a genre with a fast food fan-base systematically dumbed down by the Freddy Krueger factory. This gore-obsessed group hardly cares if a two-time Oscar winner is providing the scares. It certainly didn't help that a pair of A-list heartthrobs headlined ANOTHER classy chiller in the fall of '94. Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt's sexy vampires shit all over Branagh and company, much to their dismay. "Frankenstein" has yet to feel any love from the masses, film history categorizes De Niro's dead man as an intriguing near-miss.
"The Fan"(1996)
Tony Scott's slick, redundant thriller represents the exact point that the overall quality of De Niro's filmography took a noticeable nosedive. Sure, we'd still get treated to "Copland" and "Jackie Brown"(both released in '97), but it got harder to uphold his pristine image when presented with the slightly above-average likes of "Ronin" and "Sleepers"(did he really have to play the doctor in "Marvin's Room"?). His unhinged knife salesman Gil Reharn was probably one psycho role too many, and this film's underwhelming performance at the summer box office may have prompted a shift toward lighter fare. I don't have to tell late-night channel surfers that he develops an unhealthy obsession with his favorite slugger Wesley Snipes, and even poses as an umpire in the ludicrous finale. I was not a fan.
"Great Expectations"(1998)
This is an example of what I like to call the creepy De Niro extended cameo. He shows up early in the proceedings, to scare the hero as some shadowy nut-job with discernible motives, lather, rinse and repeat. It worked in "Angel Heart", and we know De Niro never does anything just once. Alfonso Cuaron's murky modernization of the Charles Dickens novel contains a needless narration from Ethan Hawke and a passionless romance with Gwyneth Paltrow. This ain't that 'cool' DiCaprio version of "Romeo + Juliet" aimed at the MTV crowd, that I suspect "Expectations" started out trying to be. Keep yours low.
"Flawless"(1999)
De Niro closed out the 1990s with this flat comedy about a homophobic stroke victim forced to accept the help of Philip Seymour Hoffman's kindly cross-dresser. You've never heard of this one either? Don't worry, you're not alone. There's some decent acting on display here in some of the film's quieter moments, and Hoffman was really starting to make a name for himself during this period. Just don't expect any laughs, as Joel Schumacher's shaky direction(he's still reeling from "Batman & Robin") didn't do the production any favors. The gay and lesbian community didn't even embrace "Flawless", and Bob's CV was looking anything but.
"The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle"(2000)
Here we go. Often cited as the nadir of De Niro's five decade-long, 100 film-strong career, I actually think he's committed worse offenses in the sixteen years since "R&B". Don't get me wrong, it sucks. Bad. But we are talking about a 92 minute movie designed for small children, and the popularity of "Meet the Parents" that very same year definitely softened the blow. By the time Jack Byrnes hooked Gaylord Focker up to that lie detector test, most were willing to forgive and forget Fearless Leader. After all, it's not like we'd see anything the likes of it from Travis Bickle ever again, RIGHT?!
"Showtime"(2002)
Here's another not-so-dynamic duo. De Niro and Eddie Murphy should have been a combustible, cant-miss pairing. A match made in R-rated heaven. This is Jack Walsh and Axl Foley for god's sake. That, of course, was the good ol' days when foul-mouthed sparks would have flown. The last fifteen years has seen these two sign off on any and every piss-poor project they come across. Bob was in full sellout mode by the time this PG-13 piece of crap, buddy cop bullshit was slapped on his desk, and the trend was irreversible. Murphy deserves just as much blame for his 21st century live-action output truly reeks, but this is Bob's blog. It wouldn't be the only contemptible comedy he made possible in 2002.
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| "When you wake up, you'll say 'yes' to every movie you're offered". |
"Analyze That"(2002)
De Niro's first therapy session with Billy Crystal's uptight shrink was a pleasant surprise, critically and commercially, becoming one of 1999's sleeper hits. However, Hollywood rarely leaves anything alone. They should have, because the paying public decided in December '02 that all those jokes about the underlying sensitivity of conflicted crook Paul Vitti just didn't need repeating. There weren't enough fresh laughs to be had in Harold Ramis' film to avoid the unnecessary rehash tag, and plans for a third installment, tentatively-titled "Analyze The Other Thing" were officially cancelled(okay, I made that up). Hard as it is to believe, this isn't even the worst comedy sequel on the list.
"Godsend"(2004)
This dreary, critically-reviled thriller(4% on RT) finds Bob back on the dark side in more ways than one. He's a shady doctor that offers to clone the dead son of a grieving couple(Greg Kinnear, Rebecca Romijn). The problem with accepting these high-priced extended cameos is that unscrupulous studio execs show practically every second of them in the trailers, duping the public into thinking that you're the star. De Niro was indeed front and center in all the marketing material, and he's the reason I gave this subpar shocker a look on STARZ one night(the clone is evil!). The devil sent this one.
"Hide and Seek"(2005)
The whoring continues as De Niro finds another 'scary' movie with a paycheck presumably worth sullying his reputation even further. He's a widowed NY psychologist that moves his daughter Dakota Fanning upstate after his wife(Amy Irving) committed suicide, which makes her the smartest person in the movie. Did that trauma leave Dakota with a destructive imaginary friend? I'm sure M. Night Shyamalan appreciated the third act reveal of De Niro's involvement in all the sinister goings-on, everyone else should hide and seek out better movies.
"Stardust"(2007)
Here's another one for the "Rocky and Bullwinkle"/WTF? file. Bob hams it up as the seafaring Captain Shakespeare, illustrating that he's either oblivious to the fallout of his infamous 2000 flop or he just doesn't care. "Stardust" wanted to be "The Princess Bride" for a new generation, and I don't have to tell you how that turned out. In the future, let's leave the effeminate pirates to Johnny Depp.
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| "Did you read the script? Me neither". |
This one really hurts. De Niro and Pacino(both officially senior citizens) sleepwalked through this ill-conceived reunion that doesn't deserve mention in the same breath as "Heat" and "The Godfather Part II", yet somehow attracted the two towering talents that lit up those two great films and so many others. There would be no such magic here. "Kill" is a pathetic police procedural(incompetently directed by Jon Avnet) and proof that I'm more mindful of their legacies than they are. I should've known I was in trouble when I saw 50 Cent's name in the credits. Let's just go back to pretending it never happened.
"Stone"(2010)
I'll bet you've never even heard of this one(lucky you). An imprisoned Edward Norton overacts to an embarrassing degree(were those cornrows necessary?) while an ambivalent Bobby D needs his pulse checked as his parole officer in this dour indie drama that sank like a stone with critics and audiences. These two previously shared the screen more agreeably in the 2001 caper "The Score". Norton was compared to De Niro early in his career. Bet he's glad no one does that anymore.
"Little Fockers"(2010)
De Niro and Ben Stiller were paid $20 million each to pretend they still hate each other(didn't these guys call a truce at the end of the first one?). Owen Wilson was paid $15 million for three scenes that weren't funny. Barbara Streisand got $10 million. Dustin Hoffman got $7 million for 7 days of work. Are you as angry as me yet?! It started out so well. "Meet the Fockers" was a massive holiday hit in '04, so it's star-studded cast reassembled for more cheap humor and stupid slapstick that wouldn't get approved on the set of a low-grade sitcom. The title was extremely misleading. This wasn't a cute story about the Focker kids. In fact, there's no story at all. Halfway through, I had a hard time remembering what I ever liked about these characters. By the end credits, I had only three words- "Fuck the Fockers".
"New Year's Eve"(2011)
In fairness, De Niro is part of a large ensemble in Garry Marshall's sorry sequel to "Valentine's Day"(did ANYONE ask for this?!), only appearing in a few scenes as a dying, bedridden old man(how fitting). Halle Berry, Hilary Swank, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michelle Pfeiffer, Katherine Heigl, Abigail Breslin, Ashton Kucher, Jon Bon Jovi and Zac Efron are present among others for a series of seemingly benign stories that unfold mere hours before the ball drops. I guarantee that the negotiations and scheduling meetings that took place to lock down these dozen-or-so stars were infinitely more interesting and entertaining than anything that happens in the film itself. If this is how you're suppose to ring in the New Year, I'll proudly stay home.
"Red Lights"(2012)
Oh, if only this psychic shite had gotten an ACTUAL red light during it's preposterous pre-production period. Again, De Niro's role is rather small, but I can't help but think his participation is the only reason it got the green light. Bob is blind. You may wish you were, too. Sigourney Weaver is the sole bright spot and she gets killed halfway through(way to go, Rodrigo Cortes), leaving us stuck with Cillian Murphy as our protagonist. I can't blame Weaver for grabbing her check and ducking out on this dreck. Oh, and De Niro's character isn't REALLY blind, he's some sort of villainous con man. I dropped these spoilers so that you'll spend this hour and 53 minutes doing something more worthwhile like...well, almost anything.
"Freelancers"(2012)
Just when you thought it couldn't get more depressing, we've still got a ways to go. De Niro sold another piece of his crumbling credibility to a fake cop drama destined for the bottom of the bargain bin at Walmart. Ya know, one of those movies that sits at the bottom for so long that the disc eventually gets crushed under the weight of the forty foul titles(half of which feature De Niro) that also never get sold for $4. Anyway, the overacting of Forest Whitaker and the non-acting of Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson(him again?) helped make this a predictably pitiful assignment.
"The Big Wedding"(2013)
We've arrived at my personal(least) favorite. And you thought the wedding in "The Deer Hunter" felt long. Waterboarding can't be as torturous as attending the sinful ceremony pictured above. Look at that cast(or the top half specifically). Someone should have to give back an Oscar. "Dirty Grandpa" is classic comedy compared to this calamity. Take my word for it, because I KNOW you didn't see "The Big Wedding". This is one invitation that the whole world lost in the mail. In fact, it may be THE worst film that De Niro, or any of his cruelly cackling co-conspirators, have EVER appeared in.
"Killing Season"(2013)
If you're in the market for two geezers going to war, look no further. De Niro and a badly-accented John Travolta(stay down, JT) play former opposing soldiers that spend the better part of 90 cringe-inducing minutes talking and fighting, then talking and fighting, and then talking and fighting some more. Both men were surely paid much more to run around the woods for a month than America paid to watch it. "Daredevil" director Mark Steven Johnson is out of his depth, taking a futile stab at historical commentary(we get some grim war stats to start things off) that couldn't fill any of those empty theaters in the summer of 2013.
"The Family"(2013)
I can't blame De Niro for wanting to cozy up to Michelle Pfeiffer, but I CAN blame him for serving up another stale spoof of his mob movie past more than a decade after the "Analyze" flicks. This is another screen union that came about twenty years too late, and the fading blonde beauty and current pop muse(appearing here as Bob's brassy wife) needed to look elsewhere for a comeback. French director Luc Besson("Leon: The Professional") is similarly far removed from his '90s heyday, and hopefully won't be shopping his lousy scripts stateside anymore. "The Family" was an offer moviegoers COULD refuse.
"Last Vegas"(2013)
De Niro, Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman and Kevin Kline. This is a group that used to get the Academy to sit up and take notice. That, you guessed it, was a long time ago. Now you might be thinking, c'mon, these guys just wanted to have some fun. Well, I'm glad someone did, because my experience with this geriatric version of "The Hangover" had the opposite effect. Not only should what happens in Vegas stay in Vegas, it should cease to be filmed and sold to naive ticket-buyers with misplaced loyalties. Sam 'Ace' Rothstein would've banned these bozos from the casino. In the plus column- Mary Steenburgen may be the hottest 60 year old woman on the planet.
"Grudge Match"(2013)
Rocky vs. Raging Bull. What an irresistible premise, right? I'm afraid not. I don't know whose idea it was to take a dump on the memory of the two most iconic boxing flicks ever made. Sylvester Stallone has never turned down an opportunity to get back in the ring. Sadly, Bob chose to celebrate the 40th anniversary of his electrifying breakthrough in "Mean Streets" with the lamest comedy since, umm "Last Vegas". He must have been looking to set the record for the most mediocrity crammed into a calendar year(he succeeded). There are no winners in this belated rubber match. When nostalgia-driven nonsense like this gets produced, we all lose. By lop-sided, soul-crushing decision.
If it wasn't for Marty(they're set to reunite) and David O. Russell, I'd end this with a retirement plea. But there is a silver lining as "Silver Linings Playbook" proved there was some gas left in the tank, and he's better in one scene in "American Hustle" than in the five 2013 turds that he inexplicably starred in(what does he have against a long tropical vacation?). "Joy" is a relatively apt description of their latest collaboration(maybe Jennifer Lawrence needs to be present from here on out), while "The Intern" was inoffensive fluff. He's still one of the greatest actors of all time, maybe not THE greatest for all the reasons listed above. Too bad he stopped acting like it.
