I've seen a lot of movies in my lifetime. That's one of the requirements to writing a blog like this, but it's not always fun and it's not always something to brag about. You have to rummage through plenty of crap to get to the really good stuff, but I would also argue that you have to SEE plenty of crap in order to appreciate the really good stuff. So, you end up seeing a lot of two star movies.
Now, a two star movie isn't the worst thing in the world(that would be a one star movie). It may have some redeeming qualities like a funny line of dialogue, or a good fight scene or an actor that you just enjoy no matter what. Yet it's flaws are impossible to ignore and ultimately the experience is frustratingly unsatisfying. Two star movies happen to even the best and brightest stars. You just hope they don't make a career-killing habit of it. Here's fifty of them, the mediocrity is brought to you in the order of release.
1. "Cobra"(1986)
Only Sylvester Stallone's most devoted followers found any joy in this obvious attempt to start-up another macho franchise. The action icon tested the public's patience as a monosyllabic cop on the trail of a deadly cult.
2. "Bright Lights, Big City"(1988)
Michael J. Fox was badly miscast as a young Manhattan writer on a drug-addled downward spiral in this depressing departure from Marty McFly and Alex P. Keaton.
3. "Jacknife"(1989)
A bearded Robert De Niro visits one of his traumatized old Vietnam buddies(Ed Harris) in a totally forgotten drama that unsuccessfully revisits themes better explored in "The Deer Hunter". This film had potential, but the drab execution by director David Jones nullifies everything these two actors bring to the table.
4. "Road House"(1989)
Is this the greatest two star movie ever made? Patrick Swayze's Zen bouncer has provided untold hours of guilty pleasure for the late night channel surfer.
5. "Pink Cadillac"(1989)
Clint Eastwood came dangerously close to sliding into irrelevance as a bounty hunter with an attractive female target(Bernadette Peters) in this flimsy, overly familiar comic adventure.
6. "An Innocent Man"(1989)
Sorry, Tom Selleck, but you're not innocent. You were sentenced to a recurring role on "Friends" for relying on your moustache to carry a series of films nobody remembers or cares about("Quigley Down Under", anyone?) during your post-"Three Men and a Baby" boom period. You got off easy.
7. "Hard to Kill"(1990)
That pony-tailed poser Steven Seagal sure took full advantage of indiscriminate action fans in a long string of increasingly intolerable, assembly line shoot-'em-ups like this one.
8. "Deceived"(1991)
Goldie Hawn abandoned her trademark bubbly persona for the first and last time when she learned about her husband(John Heard of "Home Alone" fame) and his dark past in this tepid thriller.
9. "Paradise"(1991)
This film's title was extremely misleading. Spending an hour and 51 minutes in the secluded country with Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson is anything but paradise. That's a ten-year old Elijah Wood, uncomfortably waiting for that adoption from Peter Jackson to go through.
10. "A Stranger Among Us"(1992)
As long as we're on Melanie Griffith, she wasn't believable at all as a big city cop in this "Witness" wannabe that replaces the Amish with Hasidic Jews. Definitely a low point in the distinguished directorial career of Sidney Lumet("12 Angry Men", "Serpico", "Dog Day Afternoon").
11. "Jack the Bear"(1993)
Danny DeVito, sporting a distractingly generous head of hair, saw his movie momentum grind to a screeching halt as a single father in '72 in this odd, tone-deaf drama with an uneasy mix of elements from "The Wonder Years" and "To Kill a Mockingbird". Directed by Marshall Herskovitz(?)
12. "Indecent Proposal"(1993)
I know it was a hit. That doesn't exclude it from this list. I hope Robert Redford got paid more than $1 million for lowering himself by offering just that amount for Demi Moore, in Adrian Lyne's ludicrous morality tale.
13. "Blown Away"(1994)
Why would anyone buy a ticket to watch Jeff Bridges' cop square off against Tommy Lee Jones' mad bomber when Keanu Reeves and Dennis Hopper were doing the exact same thing in much more entertaining fashion down the hall?
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| Sly and Sharon at work. |
14. "The Specialist"(1994)
A thirty-second shower sex scene between Sylvester Stallone and Sharon Stone is the sole highlight of this shallow vehicle that does little more than preserve the bodacious bods of it's two vapid leads for posterity.
15. "Speechless"(1994)
Michael Keaton and Geena Davis helped sink each other's careers in this romantic comedy flop that's conspicuously light on romance and comedy.
16. "Money Train"(1995)
Remember what a dynamite duo Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson were in the hip sports comedy "White Men Can't Jump"? I almost forgot about it, too after they reunited for this loud, charmless action comedy as bickering NYC subway cops.
17. "Mars Attacks!"(1996)
Tim Burton's worst movie squanders an all-star cast(Jack Nicholson, Glenn Close, Annette Bening) with cartoonish Martians that didn't have a prayer of matching the bombastic excitement of that year's box office champ "Independence Day".
18. "One Fine Day"(1996)
George Clooney's charm and Michelle Pfeiffer's face couldn't save this lame romantic comedy from it's weak script and sitcom level contrivances.
19. "Fathers Day"(1997)
Robin Williams and Billy Crystal were both great comedians back in the day. It's amazing how few laughs there were when the two got together to find their missing son.
20. "Con Air"(1997)
I know, I miss the days when Nic Cage made two star movies. That doesn't change the fact that this popular flick from his '90s heyday had every action movie cliché in the book.
21. "Gattaca"(1997)
The futuristic sets that surround Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman are every bit as sterile and boring as their characters in this colorless sci-fi tale about the dangers of genetic engineering.
22. "Desperate Measures"(1998)
I'm a Michael Keaton fan(who isn't?). Sadly, there's no denying that he fell hard as the '90s drew to a close. I don't know if anyone could have survived the one-two punch of "Jack Frost" and this preposterous thriller that features the beloved former Batman/future Birdman as a crazed convict coolly denying his bone marrow to copper Andy Garcia's dying son.
23. "Psycho"(1998)
Hey, Gus Van Sant, why'd you stop with a SHOT-BY-SHOT remake of Hitchcock's masterpiece? "Gone with the Wind", "The Wizard of Oz", "Citizen Kane", "Casablanca" and It's a Wonderful Life" were all begging to be improved upon as well.
24. "Payback"(1999)
There are two versions of this hard-boiled Mel Gibson-Brian Helgeland thriller, and neither one is that good. But if you do decide to hang out with Gibson's gun-toting anti-hero Porter, make sure it's the theatrical cut that he took over in postproduction with a villainous toe-smashing Kris Kristofferson(a hapless Helgeland would present his deeply-flawed vision on a 2007 DVD).
25. "Random Hearts"(1999)
Harrison Ford and Kirstin Scott Thomas connect after discovering that their deceased spouses were having an affair in Sydney Pollack's ponderous, 2 hour and 13 minute snooze-fest.
26. "For Love of the Game"(1999)
Kevin Costner and baseball go together like peanut butter and jelly("Bull Durham", "Field of Dreams"). That was until he struck out as a big league pitcher trying to save his relationship with Kelly Preston. This is a mere footnote in the career of "Spider-Man" director Sam Raimi.
27. "Hanging Up"(2000)
Your mother is the only one who enjoyed this cloying confection about three sisters with an ailing pop(a dying Walter Matthau), that found the cutesy appeal of Meg Ryan was rapidly approaching it's expiration date. Diane Keaton(mis)directs and costars.
28. "Charlie's Angels"(2000)
A bouncy, ubiquitous Destiny Child theme song and a Cameron Diaz underwear dance were really the only positives in this cheesy, mindless McG-directed film version of the '70s TV sensation, that left a remorseful Bill Murray bailing on the obligatory and even more erroneous 2003 sequel.
29. "The Fast and the Furious"(2001)
This lousy rip-off of "Point Break" paired the late, suspiciously talent-free hunk Paul Walker with marble-mouthed marauder Vin Diesel and SOMEHOW spawned a seven film(so far) franchise built on bad acting and car porn that may have forever widened the gap between box office success and actual quality.
30. "Showtime"(2002)
There was a time when Robert De Niro and Eddie Murphy would have made a combustible, can't-miss pairing. That was about ten or fifteen years before they both started signing off on any and every piss-poor project they came across.
31. "John Q"(2002)
A post-"Training Day" Denzel Washington jumped at the opportunity for more showy, Oscar-baiting theatrics in this absurd drama that makes an unsubtle statement about health care in America.
32. "Basic"(2003)
This is hardly a newsflash, but John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson are responsible for a lot of subpar material. Don't let the "Pulp Fiction" connection trick you into trying out this dull military drama from "Die Hard" director John McTiernan.
33. "Anger Management"(2003)
I really shouldn't complain about an Adam Sandler movie that actually rises to the level of a two star rating. But I CAN complain about him dragging Jack Nicholson down to his level.
34. "Little Black Book"(2004)
As cute and likable as the late Brittany Murphy was, she was unlikely to ever escape crappy comedic purgatory. Beside her is Holly Hunter, a long way away from the Best Actress Oscar.
35. "Monster-In-Law"(2005)
I love Jane Fonda(sorry, Vietnam vets), but the titanic talents of the two-time Oscar winner/1970s queen/enduring sex symbol/female fitness trailblazer was completely neutralized by that vacuous black hole where EVERY project presided over by cinematically-challenged pop diva Jennifer Lopez is destined to reside.
36. "An Unfinished Life"(2005)
Speaking of J'Lo, she's clearly trying to make a good movie for a change when she played Robert Redford's estranged daughter. However, this sluggish and predictable melodrama was too little, too late.
37. "You, Me and Dupree"(2006)
Owen Wilson's slacker extraordinaire invades the lives of Kate Hudson and Matt Dillon. They weren't the only ones begging him to move out.
38. "Scoop"(2006)
Scarlet Johannson was as close as Woody Allen came to finding a 21st century muse. It's a shame they had to follow-up the superior "Match Point" with this inconsequential tripe.
39. "Fracture"(2007)
A typically lethargic Ryan Gosling(what do chicks see in this guy?) is a lawyer defending Anthony Hopkins while he does his cerebral psychopath routine for the umpteenth time.
40. "Chapter 27"(2008)
I respect Jared Leto's commitment(he gained over 60 pounds for this obscure indie effort). Unfortunately, NOBODY was interested in a sympathetic portrayal of John Lennon's killer Mark David Chapman.
41. "The A-Team"(2010)
Rose-colored nostalgia has it's drawbacks as Bradley Cooper, Liam Neeson, and everyone else involved in this hollow, poorly-produced misfire would quickly discover.
42. "Faster"(2010)
Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson couldn't avenge his brother's murder fast enough in this blunt, pointless exercise.
43. "The Tourist"(2010)
Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie seemed to be going out of their way to NOT have chemistry with one another in this sleep-inducing Venice-set 'thriller'.
44. "Green Hornet"(2011)
Seth Rogen as the masked vigilante of late '60s TV fame? Yeah, I don't know how this didn't work.
45. "Insidious"(2011)
This aptly-titled "Poltergeist" clone had two sequels, like it's obvious inspiration, snaring a new generation of notoriously undemanding horror fans that were seemingly satisfied by it's thinly drawn characters and well-worn scare tactics.
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| Men don't get sexually harassed. |
46. "Horrible Bosses"(2011)
Jason Bateman, Jason Sudiekis, and Charlie Day's strained attempts to kill their caricatured bosses(Jen Aniston, Kevin Spacey, Colin Farrell) shouldn't have been enough to earn $117 million domestically or produce a 2014 sequel.
47. "Haywire"(2012)
Steve Soderbergh's direction and an appreciable supporting cast(Michael Fassbender, Channing Tatum, Michael Douglas) can't mask the fact that former MMA star Gina Carano is no Hollywood leading lady.
48. "Dredd"(2012)
Sorry, Dredd fans(if there is such a thing), but this movie sucks too and you can't blame Stallone this time.
49. "The Last Stand"(2013)
Oh, how I wish this REALLY was Arnold Schwarzenegger's last stand, but the bad word is that the Governator has returned to 'acting' full time.
50. "The Family"(2013)
Let's face it, half this blog could have been devoted to De Niro. He already spoofed his mob movie past as Paul Vitti, quickly turning this into another one of his redundant paycheck 'comedies', and another failed comeback for my favorite actress, Michelle Pfeiffer.
