Franchise Review- Poltergeist

   Thirty-five years ago, Tobe Hooper(or Steven Spielberg) made the ultimate haunted house movie. Ronald Reagan's approval rating was sky-high and so were Michael Jackson's record sales, which meant that shitty sequels were sure to follow. You know I'm talking about the 1980s, and "Poltergeist" is often overshadowed by concurrent longer-running horror franchises, but not on my blog. We're going to get into all the bizarre goings-on that plagued the Freeling family, onscreen and off.

   Is their a "Poltergeist" curse? The producers of that scary E! True Hollywood Story that I watched in '02 sure seemed to think so. We're going to get to the bottom of that(not really) as I recap the legacy of "Poltergeist". This seems like the perfect place to drop a factoid about a TV show called "Poltergeist: The Legacy" that tried to squeeze a few bucks out of the brand name from 1996-1999. I want you to be every bit the pop culture junkie that I am. So, let's begin.

"Poltergeist"(1982)
Steven Spielberg, or God, as I like to call him, wrote, produced and directed(?) the greatest haunted house movie of all time. I know, that isn't his name under that last part in the opening credits, or the poster, or the back of the DVD. Tobe Hooper, of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" fame, was also on the set, so there's some confusion. Well, I'm going to add to it right now. Multiple cast and crew members have credited Spielberg as the film's primary creative voice. Maybe they're just sucking up to the most powerful guy in the biz, but the quality of the production certainly backs those claims. So does the suburban setting, and it's spitting image "E.T.". Drew Barrymore could have just as easily been sucked into a portal in the closet. Hooper died recently, and I don't enjoy pointing out that his last hit was..."Poltergeist". Meanwhile, SS is never far from his third Best Director Oscar, and his name appears on more moneymakers than I can list without sounding weirdly obsessed with the man. I guess the debate's settled.

   The original generated $76 million upon it's June release, and is the 70th most successful film of the 1980s. Minutiae like that is one of my specialties. The Spielberg/Hooper tandem took the time to present the Freelings as a flesh-and-blood family amidst all of the supernatural shenanigans, and it makes all the difference in the world. In a decade loaded with fright-fests, only the "Shining" outranks it in my book.

"Poltergeist II: The Other Side"(1986)
JoBeth Williams and Craig T. Nelson were lured back for the inevitable sequel by the biggest paychecks of their careers (ahh, artistic integrity). They're joined on "The Other Side" by Will Sampson(the Chief from "Cuckoo's Nest", and you better have seen it) and theater vet Julian Beck. That brings me to the only two minutes of this turd worth your undivided attention.

   I proclaim the insane Rev. Kane to be one of the most underrated creeps in movie history. Seriously, this deceased preacher makes me wish that the rest of "PII" doesn't so closely resemble the last crap I took. Spielberg and Hooper were both long gone, and the late Brian Gibson's one good movie AIN'T "Poltergeist II"(it's "What's Love Got to Do with It"). Fortunately, a grinning Tom Cruise came to rescue summertime audiences from it's shoddy FX-laden climax. The jingoistic "Top Gun" was a genuine '80s phenomenon.

   Now, we're going to talk about the so-called 'Curse of Poltergeist'. Twenty-two year old Dominique Dunne(older sister Dana Freeling) was strangled to death by her abusive boyfriend, four months after the release of the original(incredibly, the psychopathic John Sweeney served less than four years in prison). The skeletal Beck died of stomach cancer almost as soon as his role in "II" had been completed, and Sampson died of kidney failure a year later. Heather O'Rourke wouldn't survive the making of "III", the circumstances of which you're about to learn. These events added a spooky subtext that's arguably more interesting than the films themselves.

"Poltergeist III"(1988)
Heather O'Rourke was one of only two returning cast members(her psychic friend Zelda Rubinstein is the trilogy's other MVP) for this crummy conclusion that was symptomatic of an overworked genre being driven into the ground by cash-grab sequels. Carol Anne is sent to live with her aunt and uncle(Nancy Allen and Tom Skerritt) in a Chicago high-rise, and is still the target of malevolent spirits. You don't care about any of that, though. An eleven-year old O'Rourke probably shouldn't have spent her last days on this thrifty threequel. Heather's sudden and mysterious illness struck three quarters of the way through(she never looks healthy here), stunning the industry, and that's why Carol Anne isn't actually seen in the hastily-rewritten finale. Distraught director Gary Sherman didn't want to finish the film. I think the seven or eight people that paid to see it wish he hadn't.

   "Poltergeist III" got pummeled by the far-friendlier "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" at the summer '88 box office, before joining the late-night cable scrap heap. That's where I saw it as a nine-year old that didn't know any better. Siskel & Ebert's review is on Youtube, and it's a hoot. In the end, we have a life cut heartbreakingly short, yet forever enshrined in horror movie lore. R.I.P. Heather O'Rourke.

"Poltergeist"(2015)
The unholy trifecta of '80s horror villains(Jason, Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers) were all unearthed for remakes between 2007-2010, that no one seems to like. Hell, I don't recall Damien and Carrie White getting welcomed back either, but that didn't stop Hollywood from building more homes on an ancient burial ground. Sam Rockwell is the patriarch of a new family that winds up extremely unhappy in their new suburban surroundings. In fairness, this film and it's technical components are competent. It's also bland and instantly forgettable, and is a reminder of why I hate remakes. I know that many young horror buffs won't mind, and it isn't any worse than most of the genre's yearly offerings. For anyone over the age of 25, this movie and it's telegraphed scares, didn't need to exist.

   In closing, the first "Poltergeist" still steamrolls over all it's paranormal pretenders. It's a blessing, not a curse(horror sequels/reboots/remakes seem to be cursed in general by their unoriginality). TV static puts me in a trance, thanks to Carol Anne and company. They're STILL here.

Franchise Review- Rambo

   Thirty-five years ago, Sylvester Stallone launched his OTHER legendary franchise character whose name starts with an R and contains five letters. It's been a long road, and if you're a male with an ounce of masculinity in your body, you've enjoyed watching a sullen Sly blow up everything in sight at one time in your life. Rambo wasn't supposed to get sequels. He wasn't supposed to be a pop culture phenomenon. He wasn't supposed to become a symbol of Republican military might. Well, those things happened anyway, and there wasn't a damn thing those redneck cops, the National Guard,  the Vietnamese army, the Soviet army or the Burmese army could do about it. Consider yourself drafted for the next couple of minutes, as I recap the rise of the biggest brand name in '80s action excess.

"First Blood"(1982)
Clint Eastwood, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Steve McQueen, Mickey Rourke, John Travolta and Nick Nolte all turned down the lead role in the adaptation of David Morrell's novel at various points in the 1970s. I'll bet they all would have worn shirts with sleeves. I'll bet they all would have kept those shirts on. Enter Sylvester Stallone, the mumbling, muscled-up megastar eager to take a break from battling Mr. T and Carl Weathers. Stallone saw Rambo as a much more sympathetic figure than Morrell did, and extensive rewrites reflected this, as well as emphasizing the action and removing his suicide(this unused ending can be seen on YouTube). Veteran character actor Richard Crenna replaced an uncooperative Kirk Douglas during preproduction(Spartacus saw himself as the star) to land his signature role as his former commanding officer Colonel Trautman. Brian Dennehy is equally memorable as the surly sheriff extremely adverse to scruffy drifters with large hunting knives.

   "First Blood" topped the box office for three weeks after it's October release, and thanks to the exploding early '80s aftermarket of video and cable, the film picked up even more fervent followers in the comfort of their own homes. Director Ted Kotcheff constructed a lean, mean thriller that deserves a mention every time the genre's finest offerings are discussed. The effect that Rambo had on Stallone's career can't be overstated- not only is this first outing the best action movie he ever made, it's success caused him to drop any pretense of being a 'serious' actor(even though he is very good here) that may have been lingering since "Rocky" upset the '76 Academy Awards. The MTV generation didn't want tears, they wanted total carnage, and Sly was poised to serve as one of the decade's chief providers.

This is what 1980s iconography looks like.

"Rambo: First Blood Part II"(1985)
The highest-grossing film in the franchise was unleashed, rather appropriately, on Memorial Day weekend, and featured it's statuesque star at the height of his improbable superstardom("Rocky IV" came out just six months later). Fun fact- James Cameron co-wrote this sophomore effort, but Sly stepped in to infuse patriotism and politics and extract the elements he didn't like(a proposed mental hospital opening and a young sidekick). Stallone had his finger on the pulse, and knew the real draw lie in the cathartic joy of watching Rambo refight the Vietnam War singlehandedly(we get to win this time). Julia Nickson is the closest we ever got to a love interest, and the Singapore beauty did a nice job in the role. Director George P. Cosmatos made the ultimate one-man-army movie, and that 37% on RT is merely the result of uptight critics sorely in need of some context. Would Schwarzenegger have killed as many people in "Commando"(70%) if not for Rambo's return to the jungle? I don't think so.

   "Part II" was the second biggest moneymaker of 1985, behind "Back to the Future", and THE biggest hit of Stallone's career to this very day. When President Reagan namedropped Rambo in a foreign policy speech, the character had entered a realm of cultural significance that few entertainment products can lay claim to. I'll bet you forgot that there was an animated series and a line of toys that put a dent in G.I. Joe's bottom line. John Wayne wishes he could wave the flag as intensely as John J. Just tell me where the next batch of bad guys are, and I'll be there with bells on.

"You take Dundee, I'll take Roger Rabbit".

"Rambo III"(1988)
Stallone got into the best shape of his life and tore through Soviet-occupied Afghanistan in the inevitable third installment, the most violent(and most expensive) movie ever made circa 1988, according to the Guinness Book of World Records. There's a few reasons that "III" underperformed in theaters despite these aesthetic upgrades and fan service- Sly's repetition wasn't limited to the gym as his popularity was beginning to wane, he was still portraying Russians as repugnant villains with the Cold War ending, and there was fierce competition at the ticket counter("Big", "Crocodile Dundee II", "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"). It has to be noted that the late '80s action apex known as "Die Hard" also came out that summer. John McClane was much more human(and more interesting) than Stallone's stoic creation. The writing was on the wall.

   "Rambo III" is satisfying enough for series devotees(Jerry Goldsmith's score and Peter MacDonald's direction are both high caliber), but there didn't seem to be any more demand for the chiseled Commie killer as we entered the 1990s. Why work out, when you can wear a fake muscle suit like Michael Keaton's Batman? Stallone didn't have an answer, as he gradually slid to fourth place in the action hero hierarchy behind Arnold, Bruce and Keanu. Rambo was looking like a relic from a bygone era where all you needed was blood and bullets, and a fourth film looked like an impossibility. The character was figuratively right back where he started, a lost soldier without a war. It may have taken awhile, but he WOULD find another one.

You're never too old to rip someone's throat out.

"Rambo"(2008)
Twenty years after he assisted those Afghan freedom fighters(an awkward plot device post-9/11), Rambo was back on the big screen where he belonged. Reenergized by the success of "Rocky Balboa"(and inspired by ugly real world events) Sly knew the time was right for a resurrection of his beloved Green Beret. Age is irrelevant, because Rambo is a force of nature, and that's never been truer than when he took a boat ride to Burma to wipe it's evil regime off the face of the earth. We should all thank Sly for pushing the R-rating as far as it can go as a director, while other hard-edged heroes went all PG-13 on us(take that, John McClane). This movie is brutal and unapologetically violent, and I mean that as a compliment. I'll take Rambo IV over "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" any night of the week.

   Stallone recently said that Rambo is officially retired. Can we really believe that he won't make a fifth eventually? The resurgent legend has a full plate, and "Last Blood" is unlikely, but as long as he's living and breathing, it could happen. If it doesn't, that's fine. Rambo is still one of the greatest characters in film history, and that's not nostalgia talking. It's a fact. You can look it up. Liam Neeson can kiss my ass, and Robert Downey Jr. isn't kicking anybody's without CGI. Rambo never needed that. He'll use his bare hands if he can't find his bow 'n' arrow. Now bow before John Rambo.

Updated Sept 2019

"Rambo: Last Blood"(2019)
Sadly, Stallone stumbles in his fifth and(hopefully) final adventure as filmdom's preeminent super-soldier. There seems to be an ideological battle breaking out between squeamish "liberal" critics and the character's coarse mostly-male fanbase(par for the course in Trump's America). I sit somewhere in the middle. The story had potential- a relaxed Rambo returns to his old ways when a friend's daughter is abducted by a vile sex trafficking ring in Mexico. But the 89-minute execution smacks of straight-to-DVD dross, with brutal bad guy deaths and very little else. I can't believe a talented director wasn't available to craft a classy epilogue for a pop culture icon. Adrian "Get the Gringo" Grunberg wasn't that guy.

   Rambo literally ripping the heart out of one his one-dimensional foes was just a step too far, even for a franchise never known for subtly(I hope you like beheadings). A dozen nameless henchmen are routinely and hastily dispatched at his heavily-boobytrapped Arizona ranch during the "Home Alone"-style finale. Some will enjoy the blunt carnage, others will have no desire for "Last Blood Part II". I'll be the least surprised person on the planet if Sly squeezes in a sixth film before his 80th birthday. He'll surely go one more round as Rocky first. Could Rambo ever receive a "Creed"-like relaunch, complete with a torch-bearing apprentice? They drew first blood...

Great Movies- Fatal Attraction

  
   Thirty years ago, Glenn Close and Michael Douglas were granted A-list entry, and men stopped cheating on their wives(for a little while). You know I'm talking about that late-'80s cultural phenomenon known as "Fatal Attraction". Director Adrian Lyne only made eight movies, but half of them achieved substantial success, which means this talented Englishman should be better known to general audiences. It makes no sense that he hasn't had a project come to fruition since 2002's "Unfaithful". Anyway, Lyne was hot in the mid-'80s, thanks to glossy hits like "Flashdance" and "9 1/2 Weeks". I could make a list of all the domestic thrillers that "Fatal" influenced, but there wouldn't be enough room in this article. Give yourself a gold star if you knew that Clint Eastwood told a similar story in 1971's "Play Misty For Me". Nobody remembers that, because "FA" dwarfs nearly every film in this genre, and is among the greatest films ever made. Don't believe me? Are you still bothered by that box office-friendly bathroom finale?? Keep reading.

   James Dearden's 1980 short film "Diversion", about an extramarital affair gone horribly wrong, was the basis for one of the decade's defining cinematic works. Producer Stanley R. Jaffe saw full-length potential, and hired Nicolas Meyer("Star Trek") to provide some padding for Dearden's script. Brian De Palma dropped out of directing the film in it's early developmental stages, because he wasn't sold on the acting ability of Michael Douglas, after the relatively unchallenging(yet popular and profitable) "Romancing the Stone" and it's sequel. Needless to say, he felt like a fool a few years later. Michael was with "Fatal Attraction" from the very beginning, and had the total support of Paramount exec Sherry Lansing- soon to be the most powerful woman in the industry for the next ten years. Her instincts were correct, as Douglas was able to make our wayward protagonist Dan Gallagher likable AND loathsome. For most performers, it's one or the other. If there was ever an actor that owned a year, Michael Douglas owned 1987, because he also unleashed Gordon Gekko on an unsuspecting public during the holidays. Incredible.

Lyne's long shots give many scenes an elegant, voyeuristic quality.

   Alright, I'm going on record to declare Alex Forrest the best female character of the 1980s. It's impossible to imagine anyone else in the role now, even though the studio had someone younger and more conventionally attractive in mind. The only problem with that plan was Close's audition, which blew all the twentysomething ingenues out of contention, and her age(39) would turn out to be an asset. Alex is a lonely, aging career woman with a ticking biological clock, and Close was too committed to the truth to play her as a straight-up home-wrecking psycho. That wouldn't be nearly as interesting for her or us, and this unexpected depth adds layers that probably weren't on the page. You'll have to look elsewhere for black-and-white heroes and villains.

   I love the look of twisted bliss on Dan's face after he gets to fuck someone OTHER than his wife and the mother of his young child. It's almost as if he's been waiting for an opportunity like this for years. He celebrates the victory by dancing passionately late into the night with an elated Alex. Men are so vile.

Have you ever done it in an elevator? How about in the kitchen sink? Lyne does a nice job of conveying the sweaty guilt-ridden depravity of adultery. Dan looks like he robbed a bank after banging Alex for two days. Her apartment building is appropriately dilapidated, for-shadowing her fractured mental state. An inferior movie(ya, know, most movies made today) wouldn't even be thinking about such details. Late production designer Mel Bourne was a three-time Oscar nominee.

   It's time to give Anne Archer some love, because Dan wasn't doing it enough. This is a lovely woman. Beth Gallagher deserved an affair of her own, and would have had no shortage of volunteers. Lyne is making a subtle statement about the male mindset- attractive females aren't any less likely to be cheated on. I like to think that I'd stay true to Beth, but a lot of men can't eat the same breakfast cereal every morning. Boredom is inevitable. There's a difference between being faithful, and not being able to get laid anywhere else. These are uncomfortable truths.

   Alex jokes about her father being dead, and the dirty duo bond over their shared affection for "Madame Butterfly"(more foreshadowing) during a sunny day together. Dan nonchalantly informs her that he has no intention of getting further involved(apparently, he found his conscience over a spaghetti dinner). Too late, Alex is in love. Dan has time for one last roll in the hay.

   There's no such thing as casual sex. Someone is always going to develop feelings, and that's when feelings get hurt. Close shows great vulnerability here, as she continues to flesh out Alex in ways that most actresses would not have been capable of. I think Cher should have to send her '87 Best Actress Oscar for "Moonstruck" to Glenn Close before they're both dead, because the Academy just plain got it wrong that year. The story is about to take an ominous turn.

   Alex slits her wrists in a desperate attempt to keep Dan from returning to his family. This is a startling moment, made even more so by the chilling score from Maurice Jarre("Lawrence of Arabia", Doctor Zhivago"). First-time costume designer Ellen Mirojnick went on to have a long career. She put Douglas in his "Wall Street" suspenders and Sharon Stone in her iconic white dress in "Basic Instinct".

Beware the woman in black.

   An invite to see "Madam Butterfly" is rebuffed, which leads to this heartbreaking visual. Alex knows that it's over. Or is it? Why should Dan get to ride off into the suburban sunset? He's a liar and a cheater. Sure, Alex is crazy, but he doesn't deserve a clean getaway. There's something bigger at stake here.

   There's few things more horrifying(speaking for all the cavalier men out there) than learning there's a baby growing inside the clingy bitch that you're trying to extract yourself from. Dan just wanted to have some fun. Now he's in hell. Lyne's stylish direction drives this point home, following the frazzled pair from a busy NYC street down into the subway. A literal and figurative descent.

   Oh my god. I'm as nervous as Dan, and I didn't even do anything. Is Alex really pregnant? Her dishonesty leaves me in doubt. It could easily be an elaborate lie to stay in his orbit a little while longer. Her shattered psyche makes that more than likely. She now has his new address and number.

   Here's a cool shot, to cap-off a great acting exchange. This is called 'escalation'. Dan just wants his normal family life back. But Alex won't be ignored. Her growing obsession and mind games threaten to destroy everything he holds dear. After watching this scene, I'm not sure whose side I'm on(Dan's anger and allusion to violence strips him of much of our sympathy), and therein lies the brilliance.

   Psychiatrists have cited the Alex Forrest character as an illustration of 'Borderline Personality Disorder'. More than half of all reported stalking cases/incidents were found to be the result of BPD. It's easy to label someone a "psycho", that way we don't have to think too much. I'd rather get to the bottom of it. Alex is nearing the point of no return, though.

   A tape recording filled with verbal abuse is one thing. Acid on a car is another. But that bunny didn't do anything to anybody. Lyne deserved the Best Director nod for milking these moments for maximum impact and suspense.

   Dan is forced to 'fess up(he knows who did this), and Anne Archer's reaction put her name on the Best Supporting Actress slate(Olympia Dukakis won that one, damn that "Moonstruck"). It also dictated to the audience exactly how the movie needed to end. Beth Gallagher will kill anyone who harms her family. Archer went on to play Jack Ryan's wife twice in the '90s(the Harrison Ford version), but never found another showcase for her talents quite like this, just in case you needed another reason to lament the lack of gender equality in Hollywood.

   If you knew that Dan and Beth's daughter(Ellen Hamilton Latzen) went on to join the Griswald clan in 1989's "Christmas Vacation", then congratulations, you're a movie buff. Taking Ellen Gallagher to an amusement park was a creepy and clever way to crank up the torment. Alex finds another line to cross.

   An enraged Dan forces his way into Alex's apartment and physically assaults her in this intense scene. It's difficult to say that she doesn't deserve it. No words, just a near-strangulation countered by a stabbing attempt. When the police are utterly useless, you just have to deal with your deranged two-night stand all by yourself. Dan ultimately backs off, but the climactic rematch would happen on his home turf.

   If you're a proud owner of the DVD, then you've seen this disturbing alternate ending. Alex commits suicide in graphic fashion, framing Dan for murder(his fingerprints are on that knife). Test audiences HATED it. Close deemed this conclusion consistent with her research, and had to be dragged back to film the real ending which we all know and love. "Fatal Attraction" is the 16th highest grossing film of the 1980s, and I probably wouldn't be writing this article if Alex had offed herself. This is the reason that studios are devoted to test screenings. We're literally talking about the difference between $156 million and $15.6 million here. This ending just doesn't sit well, and is nowhere near as satisfying.

   The public needed to see Alex's blood, and Beth needed to be the one to shed it, after Dan failed to drown her in the bathtub. Glenn Close conceded this point, after the fact. Sure, it's a 'Hollywood' ending, but last time I checked this was a business, and nothing happens without money. Art and commerce must co-exist, and I fully endorse Alex breaking into the Gallagher home in the middle of the night, and swinging a knife around their bathroom, and it doesn't turn her into a female Freddy Krueger. It DOES however, turn "FA" into one of cinema's premier thrillers and a cable mainstay in the decades to come.

   "Bad Influence", "Pacific Heights", "Sleeping with the Enemy", "Cape Fear", "The Hand That Rocks the Cradle", "Unlawful Entry", "Single White Female", "The Temp", "The Crush", "Mother's Boys", "Fear", "The Fan", "Swimfan", "Obsessed", "The Boy Next Door", "Acrimony". Some of these movies are entertaining, none of them are "Fatal Attraction". Eight straight weeks atop the box office AND six Academy Award nominations(including Best Picture). I honestly wouldn't mind having a girl like Alex get obsessed with me. Real life is boring. This was probably my Mom's favorite movie. We shouldn't discount the opinions of all the Moms out there, even though their voices aren't as loud as the Marvel-loving masses. We'll never see another adult thriller enter the zeitgeist with as much force as "Fatal Attraction". It's one of the world's greatest movies.

Franchise Review- Men in Black 1997-2019

   Twenty years ago, Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones took an obscure comic book and made the biggest movie of the summer(has it really been that long?). That wasn't supposed to happen, with Spielberg's dinosaurs and Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy as our other multiplex options. It shouldn't have been a surprise, though. "Independence Day" ruled the previous year, and audiences' appetite for alien ass-kicking clearly hadn't been satiated. A 28 year old Will Smith was poised to pounce on our disposable incomes like Muhammad Ali in his prime(no wonder he wound up playing the champ) for the second year in a row, and the stage was set for a franchise that couldn't fail. But did it? Sure, the belated sequels made money, but both felt more like a studio obligation than an organic extension of the interplanetary conflict that we all got caught up in on July 4th, 1997. I can't shake the feeling that the MIB brand could have and should have been so much more. Join me as I celebrate the anniversary of Agents J and K and recap their black-suited cinematic adventures.

"Men in Black"(1997)
The MIB had an extremely short shelf life on comic book stands in 1990-91, making it easy to forget where it all started. But Hollywood was just beginning it's love affair with graphic novels, and the potential of this killer premise was immediately recognized. Director Barry Sonnenfeld was deemed the perfect fit for the material based on the tricky combination of darkness and light that he brought to two "Addams Family" films. Would Clint Eastwood and Chris O'Donnell have made a suitable tag team, as studio execs initially proposed? The movie gods made it so we never got to find out. Will Smith's cocky charm and Tommy Lee Jones' deadpan delivery provided that magical chemistry that just can't be concocted in the Columbia boardroom. The sight of this mismatched pair in Ray-Bans and Reservoir Dog suits just registered right from the get-go.

   A clever cross between "Ghostbusters" and "The X-Files", this top-secret government agency that policies extraterrestrial activity on Earth proved too much for a mass audience to resist, and Smith's radio-friendly theme song really sealed the deal for anybody that still wasn't convinced. We didn't need a neuralyzer after watching the dynamic duo pictured above, foil the plot of Vincent D'Onofrio's alien fugitive. We liked what we saw, and wanted more. An animated series ran for four seasons while Sonnenfeld and company figured out a way to deliver on the endless possibilities hinted at in the finale. Linda Fiorentino was conspicuously absent from follow-up plans. She didn't miss much.

"Men in Black II"(2002)
The public had to wait five long years to see J and K back in action. I know Big Willie is a busy man and "Ali" was quite the undertaking, but a lot changed during that time, not least of which was 9/11(the Twin Towers reportedly had to be written out of the climax at the last minute). There's something to be said for striking while the iron is hot, and fantasy lovers were now preoccupied with "Stars Wars" prequels, "Spider-Man" and "The Lord of the Rings". There just didn't seem to be as much enthusiasm this time around. Unfortunately, we can't talk about the Smith-Sonnenfeld tandem without talking about "Wild Wild West". Why these two didn't move ahead with "MIBII" before the new millennium instead of pouring their energy and resources into one of the worst films of 1999, I'll never know.

   Now onto the movie itself. It was a mistake to sideline Tommy Lee Jones for the first half, and a bigger one to hire C-listers like Lara Flynn Boyle and Johnny Knoxville for a pale retread of the first film's villainy. The FX(always a salvation in movies like this) are nothing special, and an 88 minute running time indicates a clear lack of interest and inspiration on the part of everyone involved. When a talking dog and a Michael Jackson cameo steal the show, you've made a disappointing sequel. "II" finished up with a respectable $190 million at the domestic box office, but few were left clamoring for a third installment. That doesn't mean we wouldn't get one.

"Men in Black 3"(2012)
"MIB" became a trilogy for one reason and one reason only- because Will Smith decided that it should(he probably realized around 2009-2011 that "I Am Legend" and "Hancock" wouldn't become franchises). However, a ten-year gap wouldn't lead to a creative renaissance for Sonnenfeld, as evidenced by the cartoony jailbreak opening. Josh Brolin does a nice TLJ impression(the cranky 65 year old Oscar winner only appears for a total of fifteen minutes) and Emma Thompson replaces raging drunk Rip Torn as the team leader. Otherwise, it's business as usual. Danny Elfman's bouncy score makes the veteran composer the saga's unsung hero. A 1969-set time travel storyline only reminded me how much better "Back to the Future" was at this sort of thing.

   "MIB3" survived a summer smack-down with the MCU("The Avengers" was by far 2012's highest grosser) to collect $179 million in the U.S.- an encouraging number considering how long J and K had been away. There's been some recent talk of a crossover with the "Jump Street" team of Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum. I think I speak for the entire world when I say "no thank you". Mr. Smith isn't likely to return if such a scenario does come to fruition. Here's hoping that any reboot attempts(perhaps an inevitability) are constructed carefully. Fighting aliens was fun once. I believe it will be again. Maybe that's just me being overly optimistic, because there's a billion cable channels and I know I'll end up seeing it despite my kneejerk objections. Resistance is futile. The entertainment industry may be more powerful than any government agency. They don't even have to erase your memory. They know you're bored. They know you're curious, now sing it with me- "HERE COME THE MEN IN BLACK..."

Updated June 2019

"Men in Black: International"(2019)
Chris Hemsworth and Tessa Thompson tanked in the latest iteration of the once-lucrative property, providing undeniable evidence that nostalgia needs to be reined in every now and then. There's no need for a neuralyzer just yet, because nobody saw the London-set adventures of the newest MIB recruits, despite their Marvel credentials indicating(to studio suits, at least) that this would be a "Jurassic World"-size relaunch. Will Smith and Barry Sonnenfeld must be smiling right now. Director F. Gary Gray("Straight Outta Compton", "The Fate of the Furious") failed to justify this film's existence or it's $110 million price tag, with action scenes and alien encounters predictably playing out with little comic energy or imagination. What was fresh and funny in 1997, is tired and lazy twenty-two summers later(spoiler alert- Liam Neeson is no hero!).

   An anemic $79 million domestic box office total places "International" far below the other "MIB" sequels that no one liked. An appealing cast has been castrated, as "Toy Story 4" makes us forget all about Men in Black 4. Spielberg will have to live without his profit percentage on this one. Hemsworth will have to pay the bills with one franchise instead of two. Jason Reitman's Ghostbusters just got a bit harder to pull off. Hollywood will try again one day. They always do. For now, R.I.P. MIB.